Chapter 24
August
She had disappeared, again.
But this time it wasn’t a
dream. He hadn’t woke up. He was exhausted and worn down and determined
to get her back. He wasn’t quite sure what had happened in the past few weeks to
make her not want to answer his phone calls, but he was going to get to the
bottom of it. He had told her that he
was going to be really busy and unable to talk to her a whole lot while he was
in
It made little sense to him. It scared him. It pissed him off.
Less than a month before they were
perfect, in love, blissfully happy. He
had had sex with her and it only got better.
They had finished out their time in
And then he went to
He had a dream the first night he
was away from her, and it was the first dream about her since he had met her,
since before that, since therapy. But it
wasn’t mysterious dream girl Darcy that consumed him this time. This dream was about his Darcy, regular
Darcy, dorky, bubbly, in love with him Darcy and it was about her never being
real to begin with. About him waking up
one day and realizing that she never did exist, about their entire relationship
as a joke, a dream, a horrible nightmare that he had to live without her. He woke up in a sweat, his clock blinking in
red
But he wasn’t with her. And the next day when he tried to call she
sounded upset, cut the phone call short and told him she’d call him back. She never called him back.
He didn’t know what had happened
to her but was sure that if something horrible happened her mom or her brother
would call him and let him know, but they hadn’t. He thought about calling her mom or calling
her brother and asking them what the hell was going on. He talked to Pharell about it and he told him
not to call, not to stress.
Five days later, after being
unproductive and angry and depressed, Pharell told him to go back to LA, fix
his shit and not come back until he was ready to finish touching up the album. He wasn’t being mean and wasn’t mad at
Justin, but he was concerned, so was Trace, so were all the folks there in
He had a damn good reason. Darcy, he couldn’t explain how it had
happened. She was in love with him and
he felt more strongly for her than he had about anyone, ever. And then she just vanished.
This time he wasn’t just going to
sit there idly, try and fall asleep and pray she’d come back. No, no this time he was going after her,
swerving down the
He felt like he was going to puke
when he turned into the apartment complex.
He didn’t know what was going to happen but he knew there couldn’t be a
positive excuse for her changing her number and not calling him. He knew some shit was going to go down and he
knew he had to put on a brave face. He
couldn’t break yet. Not yet, not until
he had some damn answers. Therapy wasn’t
an option this time around, he knew she was real. Trace knew her, his mom knew her. He had picture of her on his phone, her
number programmed into his phone as well.
She wasn’t a dream, so there was no excuse for her disappearing
again.
There was a new officer at the
complex and he groaned and rolled down his window.
“Hello, I’m here to see Darcy
Height at number 404, her brother is Alden.”
The officer nodded, told him to
have a nice day and lifted the gate. It
was easier than expected and he hoped when he got to the door, knocked and it
opened, she’d be there with an explanation and a kiss and an ‘I’m sorry’. Hell, he didn’t even care about the sorry. He just wanted her to be there. He needed to see her, to make sure that she
was real. He knew she had to be, he knew
deep down in his heart she was there, that his relationship with her the past
few months hadn’t been some sick dream, but he had to see her and touch her
just to satisfy himself.
He wasn’t crazy. No, not this time.
He parked his car and sat there,
trying not to let the fact that her cherry red Audi was no where in sight. His stomach was crawling up into his throat
and his hands were shaking.
“You gotta be here, you just gotta
be.” His hands gripped the steering
wheel, he inhaled deeply and let it out slowly.
The keys were whipped out of the ignition, his door was opened, slammed,
keys dropped back in his pocket and he ran, not jogged, not walked, ran down
the breezeway, up the steps to 404. He
didn’t think, he just knocked and waited.
And waited.
And the door cracked. He heard a sigh and it was opened further,
all the way.
But it wasn’t her.
“She’s not here, Justin.”
He planted his foot in the doorway
so that if it was closed on him, he could still barge in. He stepped forward. “Let me in Alden.”
“I swear to you she’s not
here. Just leave her alone.” The door started to close in his face.
Not this time. No he wasn’t going to be shut out that
easily. Something wasn’t right and he
was determined to find out why she had left, what he had done to deserve this,
and what he could do to get her back.
“What the hell did I do?” He pushed the door open and tried to step
through. He was pleading with Alden,
pleading with him for any morsel of information. “Just tell me what I did, I’ll make right.”
“Nothing, you didn’t do
anything. Just leave.”
“Give him a chance.” He watched as another person came into the
doorway and he was thankful that Alden’s boyfriend was there. Whereas Alden always seemed overcautious and
protective of Darcy, Carlos seemed more like a friend and much more accepting
of her and Justin’s relationship. Maybe
if Alden wouldn’t’ talk, Carlos would.
“This isn’t about you Carlos.”
Alden gritted out.
He received a slap on the
shoulder. “And it’s not about you either.”
“Just tell me where she is. I’ll
make it right, I promise, just…just where is she?” Justin held onto the doorway
and looked straight at Alden who stared back at him. There was something there in his eyes,
distrust, or fear, something that Justin didn’t like. Darcy’s brother was scared. What had he done that was so bad? Loved her?
Cared for her? Treated her
well? Was he supposed to be one of the
numerous assholes that had ruined her life before? Was he supposed to act like that?
Alden just glared at him. He didn’t speak and finally the door was
ripped open and he felt someone pulling him inside. But it wasn’t Alden. “If you don’t invite him in and tell him,
I’ll go tell him myself. He at least deserves
to know.”
“Ya know what? Fucking fine. Fine!” He heard Alden yell and then a door slam and
was forced into a chair by the table.
Alden was pacing and kicking air while Carlos leaned against the counter
and rubbed his forehead.
He stood up and held onto the
table for support. This was a bad
picture. He looked around the apartment
and could see the door to her room, it was open, and it was now an office. There was no bed, no lavender colored
pillows, but instead there was a wood desk, filing cabinets, a painting, a
painting that was too modern for Darcy’s taste.
“I’d rather stand and you tell me….where…where is she?”
“She doesn’t live here anymore.”
Justin felt the urge to vomit and
feebly sat back in the chair. “God, is
she even ok?”
“She’s fine. She’s back in
“Why didn’t she tell me?”
Alden gripped his hair and
continued to pace. “Probably because
she’s terrified of you!”
“What…What did I do?”
Carlos rolled his eyes and nodded
towards the man that looked about as frustrated at Justin, but he didn’t understand
how someone could be as frustrated as him in that moment. He was clueless and felt more out of control
than ever before, even when she was just in his dreams. “It wasn’t what you did, it’s what he did.”
“Shut up Carlos.”
“I told you it wasn’t up to you to
tell her.” Alden stopped and stared at the man that was talking to him and Justin
just watched. He just watched in horror
as he realized what had happened. “It’s
illegal, too.”
“What did you tell her?” He asked in a low voice. He asked even though he already knew. He didn’t know how Alden had found out, but
he had. Then Darcy found out. And now she was terrified of him. But Alden just stared at him and even though
he knew the answers he wanted to hear them.
He needed to have someone tell him exactly what had happened. So he jumped up, stalked over to Alden and
threw him against the refrigerator, holding him there with his hands fisted in
his shirt. “What the fuck did you tell her?”
“Get off me.” He was pushed back by Alden’s hands and his
words. “What do you think I told her?” He
couldn’t breathe and watched in envy as Alden sighed. The woman he loved was gone and he knew she
wouldn’t take him back. He didn’t think
to tell her about his dreams, figured it would scare her off, figured it was
something she didn’t need to know. He
hadn’t had one since before they met. It
didn’t matter any more. So what if the
dreams were what made him pursue her to begin with? It didn’t have anything to do with who they
were now, about their relationship now.
And yet it had everything to do
with it. Every damn little thing.
“Lets just say Dr. Baitman was
quite shocked when he found out you were dating my sister, and even more
shocked when he found out my sister’s name.
He told me about your case in confidentiality, for your sake and my
sisters. He told me if I saw you to have
you come see him right away. Somehow I
think you might ignore that order.”
Justin took in a breath, finally
able to breathe again. But his world was
spinning. He felt faint, something he
rarely felt. He scratched his face where
a beard was starting to grow and then wiped at his eyes. He wasn’t going to cry in front of
Alden. The man already thought he was
weak and he was, he was crumbling. His
entire being was tilted now, knocked off its axis and only one person could but
him back in his place. And she was miles
and miles away. But he couldn’t let her
brother see how broken he was. “I just
want to see her and talk to her and make sure she’s ok.” He looked the man who was staring at him, who
could tell him everything he needed to know and could help him get her
back. He look him right in the eyes.
“Alden, I need to see her.”
For a minute he thought her
brother might give in. His face seemed
to soften, seemed to sympathize. But
then he shook his head, “She doesn’t want to see you.”
Justin glared and felt ready to
beat him down. He was keeping him from
the one thing that mattered in his life and he was ready to rage. He had flown across the country looking for
answers, but it had led him to a path that he wasn’t prepared to take. He wasn’t prepared to lose her. Not yet.
Not after all they’d been through.
All that he’d been through. “She
doesn’t? Or do you not want me to see
her? Cause I’m the freak, right? The freak who had psychotic dreams about your
sister before I even met her.”
Alden yelled and looked up at the
ceiling. “They weren’t about my sister
Justin! You met her, thought she was hot
and fell for her ‘cause you thought she was this fantasy of yours. But she’s not. She doesn’t deserve to be used like
that. It’s too much pressure. You never loved her! You just loved what you
thought she was! You thought she was
someone that she wasn’t!”
“You have no idea what I feel for
your sister, how deep it is!”
He looked at Carlos who was now
sitting where Justin had been by the table and had his head in his hands. They had both fucked up, Justin and
Alden. He knew he had kept the secret
too long and had been trying to figure out a way to let her know. He wanted to tell her, but didn’t want to
scare her. Her brother did that for him. But it hadn’t been his place to tell. Her brother should have waited, talked about
it with him first, before he ruined everything, before he ruined Darcy and his life
together.
And that was what hurt. Her brother had ruined everything. Yes he was in love with Darcy and at one time
might have been a little obsessed with her and messed up in the head, but she
loved him back and he knew it. He knew
that she was just as in love with him as he was with her. She needed him and her brother had taken that
away.
It wasn’t his place. It never was.
It didn’t matter if he was protecting her or not, it wasn’t his place,
not this way, not the way he went about it.
“You need help Justin.”
“Do I?” He shook his head and pushed her brother once
more before heading to the door. He
wasn’t making progress here and needed to book a flight to
“Do it. I don’t care.
My job pales in comparison to my sister’s safety.”
Justin opened the door and looked
back, “You think I’m going to hurt her?
Like literally be a danger to her?”
He was in a rage. To say he was angry was a bit of an
understatement. He was as angry as he
had been at Britney, at Wade, at the world those few months ago when his life
crashed around him. Darcy had brought
him back up and he would be damned before he went back into that place
again. “You already have been a danger. You’ve broken her heart.” Her brother said quietly.
Justin started to laugh, shook his
head and said, “No, Alden, you’ve done that.”
He slammed the door behind him and walked down the hall and steps
towards his car. He needed to go home,
tell Trace what was up, make a few arrangements and find her. He was going to find her. And he was going to
fix this.
He had to.
------
Two hours later…
“Maybe you should rest.”
He kept staring out of the
window. The past two hours were a blur
but they seemed to last so long. He had
broken down to Trace, cried to him, told him what he knew and told him what he
wanted to happen. Trace had just stared
at him for a moment and then slowly gotten up, gone to the phone and set
everything up, a room at the Ritz, the jet to be ready ASAP, Mike to meet them
at the house in an hour. He even had
called his mother. Justin had protested
against that, but when the phone was handed to him he was glad to have his
mother’s soothing words comfort him.
She seemed surprised and
supportive, but he could tell she somehow seemed relieved and he wasn’t really
sure why. His mother had grown to like
Darcy, maybe even adore her. There was
more to it than he knew at the moment but didn’t have the time or the energy to
press it.
Then he had done what he really
didn’t want to. He was fairly sure he
was going to be met with a dial tone, or a lawyer, or a cursing from a very
high maintenance, up tight, and confused mother. But instead he was met with an excited hello,
and a clueless questioning of how her daughter was doing, and what fun things
they had done together that week.
Mrs. Height knew nothing about her
daughter’s “disappearance” or about the trouble that was swarming their
relationship at the moment. And he was
thankful because he was able to lie, to charm, to weasel out the location and
address of Darcy’s
Because at that point he was in
tears, tears because she had left him.
“Justin…”
He turned and glared at his best
friend. “Don’t”
“You look horrible. Why don’t we just tell the jet to be ready
tomorrow afternoon and you go home and rest?”
He cleared his throat as the car
came to a stop on the tarmac of the jet runaway at LAX. “I’m going to
Justin watch as Mike got out, did
a quick survey of the area as him and the driver went to grab their bags from
the back. “You said her mother was
clueless?”
Justin rubbed his forehead and
opened his car door. He need to get on
that plane and get in the air and get to
“Justin…” He felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to
see Trace staring at him, concerned. It
was rare that Trace was serious. Sure he
had seen him angry, upset, determined to kick some ass or to be a moody little
bitch, but this was different. Caring
Trace was a rare, rare thing and to see it that fully made him wonder if this
was the best route. Maybe he could wait,
maybe Trace was right. “Are you sure
about this? Maybe you should just wait a
while. Cool off, get your head
straight. I know you’re angry, but her
head’s gotta be going crazy too, ya know?”
He couldn’t wait. This was the only route. He got out of the car and walked right up the
portable steps and inside the jet. He
sat himself down in a seat and sighed as Trace was right behind him and came
and said right next to his seat. Justin
hit his head back against the head rest to his seat. “I don’t think you understand Trace. I can’t be without her.”
“Then maybe this is the best. Remember what happened last time you were in
love with a girl that much?” But Justin
didn’t answer him because his phone rang.
He pulled the buzzing device from his pocket and looked at the number,
it was unfamiliar and he never answered unfamiliar calls.
There was a glimmer of hope, but
he wasn’t quite sure what to do. “Who is
it?”
“I don’t know. There’s not a name.” Justin looked at Trace and his friend’s eyes
rose from the phone to him. Normally in
this situation he would ignore the call, but he didn’t want to take that
chance, that slight, almost non-existent chance that it might be her.
Trace grabbed the phone, flipped
it open and pressed a button, “Hello?”
He stared at Trace and when Trace
looked at him rather shocked he knew, he knew it was her. He had a hard time thinking and wanted to
grab the phone from Trace’s ear but he couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t think. He shook his head and heard, “Right, ok calm
down, hold on.” Trace slowly handed him the phone and whispered, “It’s for you.”
The phone felt like a brick in his
hand and he licked his lips and slowly brought the phone up against his ear
before getting up and moving to the back of the plane. His voice stumbled and he softly said, “He-hello?”
He heard her sniff, heard her suck
in a breath and finally do what she seemed to always do when she was nervous,
it made him smile for a moment and then tears came to his eyes as he listened
to her ramble, “My brother called me, and my mom. They told me you called them. My mom was excited. I don’t know why. I couldn’t hear her right and my brother was
warning me that you were going to come after me. I mean, I didn’t believe him at first. I mean, not when he said you were going to
come after me because it seems like something you’d do, but when he told
me…told me…” She coughed and sniffed
again, “About the stuff. I thought my
brother was being his pathetic self and that he still didn’t like you or
something. But that was too bizarre of
something for even him to make up. And
you had been in therapy and been weird when we first were together and things
started to make sense but, but, I…I don’t understand it.”
He listened to her cry and cursed
himself. He never, ever wanted to make
her cry. She was confused and lost and
just a few hours earlier, before all this had come to him, he was angry with
her, pissed that she had just ditched him.
But now…now he took on all the blame and hated himself for doing this to
her. He curled up in his seat and
whispered into the phone, “Then let me explain.
Please let me explain.”
“I don’t know if I want you to.”
“Darcy…”
She sniffed and her voice now
matched his, quiet and soft, scared and uncertain. “My mom said you called for
my address.”
“I need to see you. I need to talk to you.” He pleaded with her but she didn’t respond
and for a moment he thought maybe she had hung up on him. He panicked and quickly called for her,
“Darcy…”
“When will you be here?”
His entire body seemed to
relax. She didn’t fight him, didn’t tell
him she didn’t want to see him, that she was angry or that she hated him. She was scared and confused and had every
right to be. He heard in her voice a bit
of hope and he prayed that that hope was for him, for him to come to
He glanced at his watch. “Our flight leaves in a few minutes, four
hour flight, time difference, you know I suck at math, plus horrible traffic, I
can come there as soon as we land…” He
thought for a moment. “10 maybe.”
“Ok.”
“If I’m going to be later
can...can I call you?”
“Ok. This is my apartment number. I’m sorry about my cell I…” She cut herself short and didn’t finish. He didn’t care at the moment, he didn’t care
that she had disappeared, he was just glad she was back.
And he hoped she never went away
again. “It’s ok, just, please don’t give up on me, please…”
“I’m just scared. I don’t know what all this means. I panicked.”
He breathed deeply again and
whispered into the phone, “I love you, ok?”
“Ok.” When she didn’t say it back he felt a little
sting in his heart, his stomach started to ache again and he couldn’t help but
wonder if maybe, maybe finding out about what had happened to him, about his
dreams, about his therapy, if it all was too much for her. And maybe she couldn’t love him anymore.
He started to get choked up and
cleared his throat before saying, “I’ll see you soon.”
He flipped the phone closed and
pinched the bridge of his nose and wiped his tears. He knew Trace was staring at him, knew Mike
probably was too. He didn’t care. He sniffed, flipped his phone back open and
quickly programmed her number into his phone.
It was going to be a long night, and he was terrified of what might
happen when it ended.
But he had to take that chance and
he had to try and make this work.
He didn’t know how he was going to
do it, and didn’t know how he was going to explain to her the mystery that
caused them to meet and helped him fall for her, but he was going to have
to. And he didn’t really know what would
happen if in the end she couldn’t deal with it, with him and finally vanished
for good.