He looked at the figure beside
him. He was home finally and she was
actually there. It was hard for them to
find time to stay at home together. It
was a treat to be able to spend a few days in his own bed, but it was even more
of a treat to have her there with him.
She looked so peaceful there beside him and he was thankful for
that. She had been stressing out the
whole day because of some business deal that fell through and she ended up
somehow being the blame of it. It was
strange though. Normally on nights at
home in his bed, especially with her there, he knocked completely out and went
into an almost coma-like state. But
tonight he laid there, thinking about his life and her life and watching her
sleep.
It was thundering outside, and he
could slightly hear the patter of rain, which was very unusual for this time of
year, especially in
“I’ve missed you.”
His eyes popped open.
That wasn’t her voice. That was her
voice.
He sat up and she was there,
looking out the bay window in his bedroom, sitting on the small cushioned bench. She was in a thin, white dress that maybe was
a nightgown, but he really didn’t know. It
was her. She hadn’t been there in about two
weeks, and he had thought that maybe he had finally rid himself of her.
And now, on his first night home
in months and his first night with his girl in what seemed like forever, she
decided to appear.
“What are you doing here?” His voice came out breathy, like he was in
the middle of being pleased beyond words.
Truth was, he was terrified. Both their eyes looked over and she was still
laying there, silently sleeping in peace.
He looked back at her and her
large dark eyes were still on the figure sleeping beside him. “I can leave.”
He rubbed his forehead. He really thought he was rid of her. He had gone for years having visits from her
off and on, sometimes three nights a week, sometimes every three months; but it
always happened, whenever he would go the longest time without her, whenever he
thought that maybe she’d finally decided to stop haunting him, she’d come
back. “No, I just--I thought you were
gone.”
“Me too,” she whispered.
It wasn’t that he hated her. In fact it was quite the opposite. He was becoming slightly obsessed with her, finding
free hours in the day to take a nap just in hopes that she’d visit. It was affecting his mind and his work and
his life. And whenever he’d have a dream
about her and then wake up next to his girlfriend, he always got a feeling in
his stomach like he was going to vomit.
He had never cheated in his life and even though she wasn’t real, she
was just a dream, just someone he made up in his mind, he always felt like he
was betraying his girlfriend. “Why are
you back?”
She shrugged her shoulders and the
spaghetti strap of her thin nightgown fell off.
His eyes couldn’t move away from her skin that seemed to be glowing. She looked away, out the window again at the
rain and fixed the strap. “I don’t
know. You tell me. You bring me here.”
“Oh, I do?” He smiled at her as she nodded and he could
see her blush as she lightly tucked a piece of her hair behind her ear, this
time flowing down her back and wavy, not a short, straight shoulder length cut
like last time.
He moved to get up and approach
her but when he did the other person in the bed shifted and let out a small
sigh, turning away from him and curling up on her side. It scared him. What if she woke up and saw her there? Of course that was impossible, but he didn’t think
of that at the time. “Maybe you should
leave.”
“She doesn’t know.”
He looked over at her again and
rolled his eyes. She didn’t see him, her
still looking out the window and all, but he was a little annoyed with her
comment. Of course she doesn’t know. It’d
be stupid to tell her—stupid to try and explain it to her. “I would like to see how I would explain you to her.”
“I don’t mean to be a problem,
Justin.” Her angelic head tucked into
her chest a little and her hair shifted forward, blocking her from him. She
felt ashamed now and he hadn’t meant to hurt her.
Silently, he lifted himself from
the bed, walking toward her, amazed by how the chill in the room on his barely
clad form seemed so real. It was all so
impossibly real.
She took in a shaky breath and he
put his hands on her shoulders, giving them a bit of a squeeze and trying his
best to memorize how it felt to touch her, how solid she felt, how real. “You’re…you’re not a problem.”
She looked up and he could see her
reflection in the window. His hands
moved down the length of her slender arms and he grabbed her hands. His arms wrapped around her making her arms
wrap around her as well, in a double hug.
Her soft, small body fell back against his and he felt right and safe
and whole. He breathed in the smell of
her hair and then dipped his head down and nuzzled the skin of her
shoulder. She always smelled the
same. He didn’t know what it was,
whether it was her soap or shampoo or perfume or lotion but it smelled good. He smiled to himself, realizing she probably didn’t
put on a fragrance. She didn’t do
anything. She didn’t sleep, didn’t wake
up, didn’t dress herself.
But she possessed him and made him
crazy with want and need and lust.
Yet it wasn’t rude or
inappropriate. Their time together was
always simple and yet so complex. It was peaceful and relaxing and
passionate. It was the stuff out of
movies and books. It wasn’t reality. She wasn’t reality.
But she was his.
“Will you go on a walk with me?”
“It’s raining,” he chuckled
against her neck.
“So?”
“I…I guess.”
He pulled away from her and she
sat down on the window seat, watching him pull away from her and bend down to
pull up the drawstring pajama pants he had discarded earlier in the night,
knowing he’d be burning up with a warm body beside him in bed.
He felt her eyes on him as he
walked to his chester-drawers and pulled out a white tee-shirt
and a pair of socks. He pulled the shirt
over his head and then softly padded over in the darkness to the closet, it
momentarily being flashed with light from the storm outside. Thunder lightly boomed as he bent down and
pulled out an old pair of shoes, scared to mess up any of his news ones in the
rain. He couldn’t believe he tried to be
rational in these dreams. He’d wake up
in a little while, and his shoes will have never been outside the room for the
past 24 hours, his pants will still have been bundled on the floor and he’d be
in bed, probably laying with Britney half on top of his underwear-clad
form.
“You don’t need those.”
“But…” His blue eyes looked up and she was extending
a hand out to him from where he was sitting on the floor, pulling on a sock.
She silenced him and he slid his
hand into hers as she whispered, “Come.”
They floated, or it seemed like
they floated, out of the room, down the stairs, to the foyer. He moved to go to the coat closet beside the
door, but she tugged his hand back and said in a voice low and sweet, “Justin,
no.”
He sighed and let her lead
him. The door opened and she stepped out
into the outdoors, immediately becoming drenched. She pulled him after her and smiled at him.
He watched her as she let go of
his hand and walked out into his gated front yard, twirling and lifting her
face to the rain clouds. He white gown
was clinging to her and he found a small smile appearing on his face as he
slowly walked out onto the soft wet grass to meet her.
“Feels good, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah.” He sighed and
pulled her against him. It was warm
outside in the dark, but somehow he could still see everything clearly. It seemed almost more like dawn or dusk, it wasn’t
bright by any means but the atmosphere had a blue tint to it and it definitely wasn’t
the same lighting as it should be at three in the morning. Her eyes shone up at him. Rain trickled down her face, dripping off her
small nose and chin. Her lips were wet
and he couldn’t control himself anymore.
He kissed her, thoroughly, letting
his tongue dive into her mouth and swim inside of her. He had to have her. He pulled away breathless asking, “God, what
are you?”
“Whatever you want me to be.” Her arms were around his shoulders, her
fingers massaging his neck.
He pressed his forehead to hers
and closed his eyes, relishing in the feeling of her hands on his skin. “I should want you to stop. I should want you to go away…”
“But?”
He opened his eyes to look into
hers. He sighed, rubbing his hands up
and down her back. “I missed you
too. We do all these amazing
things. And you, you know
everything. You just get me.”
“Cause you let me.”
He pulled away and walked off to
the side. He couldn’t look at her
anymore, not while his girlfriend still slept in his same bed, beside him every
night, dreaming of him, as he dreamt of her. “But I feel like I’m cheating on her.”
“You need to deal with that. But how would you tell her? Would she believe you?
“No.” He felt hopeless. He was caught in a trap. He didn’t want to hurt Britney, and he couldn’t
hurt his dream lover, but he was afraid of what would happen to him.
He chuckled to himself. An hour ago he was shocked and almost
disappointed that she was back and now he was terrified she was going to leave again.
“And you call me here, you control
this Justin. You can stop it all.”
“I don’t know how.”
She touched his shoulder and
rested her chin on the other. “I don’t
want you to think I’m haunting you. I’m
not a ghost.”
“But you’re not real.”
She smiled at him genuinely and
reached for his hand, locking it with hers.
“I’m as real as you make me.”
“You say I have all the power,
that I control this relationship…” He
squeezed her hand tightly afraid she was going to let go and disappear. “…you
have total control over me.”
“Because you let
me. Come.” He followed her to a hammock he didn’t remember
having in his front yard. He watched her
body sway under the soaked thin cotton, wanting to be with her more and
more. The grass was slippery beneath his
feet and he was thankful to lay down in the hammock with her. They rocked in silence for moments, her
protectively snuggled beside him with her head on her shoulder and her hand on
his chest. He ran his fingers through
her silky, drenched hair and closed his eyes, ready to just relax next to her. “Do
you remember when we first met?”
He smiled and sighed at the
memory. “I was 18 and I was driving and
my car got a flat.”
“And you were in the middle of the
beautiful countryside.”
He glanced down at her and raised
his eyebrows making her giggle. “I was
in bum fuck. And I didn’t have a spare
and no one was in sight so I decided I’d walk.”
“And instead of staying on the
road the whole way to the next town…”
He finished for her, “I veered off
onto a gravel driveway for some god knows why reason.”
“What did you think? A witch lived back there?”
“Worse. Some time of backwoods redneck who shot anything that moved on his property besides the pit
bulls.”
Her laughter was like fine wine,
rich and smooth and seemed to coat his insides and warm him like a fire. “You have such an imagination.”
“Yeah…”
It was quiet for a moment and
finally she asked, “What you’d find?”
“You. A
beautiful cabin with a lake behind it and you, just you, sitting on the front
porch swing listening to classical music and reading.”
“I was listening to Rachmoninov.”
She always listened to classical
or jazz and he always felt in-superior for not knowing who the composer
was. She was classy, sophisticated, a
woman through and through. “Yeah yeah, whatever.
You were so beautiful, though.”
“And you didn’t say a word, so I
said nothing back until you were standing a couple feet in front of me.”
“I was speechless.”
Their eyes met and she whispered, “So
was I.” Her eyes were watery and she
looked so serious.
“You hadn’t even looked at me
yet.”
“I knew who was there. And when I did look up...”
He closed his eyes, remembering
how it was that first time when he met her, how his world flipped. He had never experienced such a feeling
before. “I fell.”
“And I caught you.” She was smiling.
“And then…” His smile met hers but
she tucked it away into his chest. He
chuckled beneath her and pulled her head up with his palm. “Why are you blushing?”
“Because…” She looked away. Yes, she was all woman
but still innocent and timid at times.
Perfect.
“Because we made
love for hours.”
When she moved her eyes to look at
him again, all shyness had faded and she was peering into his soul. “…days.”
It made him loose his breath.
But he had to keep this light or
he’d loose all his breath together and that wouldn’t be good. “We’re such experts now.”
“You’re hopeless.”
“Wanna?” He wiggled his eyebrows at her and she stared
at him quizzically. He ran a wet hand over her wet arm, pushing the rain off as
more gently fell down on them.
“Do I want to what?”
“You know…” He licked his lips at
her. “Make love…”
“I think you should go back to
bed.”
That wasn’t a normal
response.
He wondered, if he was in control
of this relationship, of what she said, why’d she just say no? He wanted her. He wanted to remember her skin and her taste
and her feel. This was odd. She’d never refused him before. “But…”
She lifted up a bit and kissed him
tenderly on his lips and then kissed the top of his head. “Remember who sleeps next to you tonight.”
“I want you beside me every night.” She was pulling away from him and he reached
for her but she just waved and turned around.
He watched her sashay away from him, coming out into the yard again,
away from the trees and the hammock and him.
She twirled and twirled and let the rain fall down on her.
He watched her, calling out to
her, calling some name that he couldn’t hear, couldn’t remember, couldn’t recognize.
It was pathetic, really. He was totally enraptured with her and she
was only in his mind.
“Justin…”
He shook his body and looked up.
She was still twirling.
“Sleepy head…”
He shot up. He looked around. His chest heaved.
“Bad dream?” He jerked away at her touch and when he looked
at her, her eyes were wide and brown, like hers. Her hair was blonde though, not brown. She was wearing a tiny tank top and panties,
not a long thin white night gown. Her
skin was smudged with creases of the pillow and sleep in her eyes.
She yawned, her mouth widening and
taking over her face and then it snapping shut and smiling, “You alright?”
He eased his body gently back onto
the bed. “Yeah, fine.”
She plopped down on top of him and
started to nuzzle his neck and kiss it lightly.
“Mmmm, I slept so good…”
“Yeah?”
“The BEST dreams. And then I woke up
and they were a reality.” She kissed him and moved to straddle him. He had to admit it was a fine way to wake up
and he almost had completely forgotten about his dream escapades. He smiled at
her, but it faded when hers did. “What…what’s
this?”
“What?” She was looking behind her and down.
“You get cold last night?”
He looked down to see that he had
his pajama pants back on. He had taken
them off before they had got into bed last night. He was confused. He didn’t remember waking up and putting them
on. He hadn’t remembered being cold that
night.
He’d only put them on in his
dream.
His forehead bunched and he
sighed. She came crashing back into his
mind, haunting him, consuming him, once again invading
his every thought.
He gave up and realized right there,
with his girlfriend on top of him, that he’d never, ever be rid of her and it was pointless to try and
think otherwise.
“Yeah…must have.”