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RAMBLINGS OF A MISFIT
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Silhoutted against the first rays of the impending dawn, the night is at
its height of glory. There is a pervading silence all around. And in that all pervasive silence,
I feel a sense of belonging and oneness with the darkness enveloping me.
For years I have struggled to impart a meaning to my life. Questions, manifestations of my
doubts and fears, have gnawed at my mind. But each question has spawned a new question and over
the years I have been hopelessly lost in the labyrinth of my own dounts and fears.
The radiance of the sun has always harbored a sense of security, emanating from the mish-mash
of responsibilities that alienated the body from the mind and transformed me into litle more
than a programmed robot.It was with the onset of the imperial blanket of darkness that the
phantoms in my mind came alive. And as long as the night stayed awake, I was hopelessly locked
in a one-sided struggle with a nemesis that ws a part of me. I lost the battle every night but
with time I have learned to savour my defeats. And with each defeat, I have also learnd to find
solace in the tranquil darkness. From being a tormentor,the night has turned into a soul mate
and I have very often longed for the sun to set so that I can go back to the all embracing
darkness.
There is still some time before the darkness will succumb to the glare of daylight. I have
always treasured these dying moments of the night when inspite of its impending doon, the
darkness majestically tries to hold its own against the ever growing sphere of light.My hand
picks the glass beside me and I empty the glass in one quick motion.The red liquid burns my
throat as it makes it way down to my soul leaving me craving for more of that ethereal sensation.
My mind, submerged in the currents of the powerful manna, is finally at peace.
It all seems a very long time ago - the lean ebony youth with a scowl on his face and dreams
in his eyes, standing before the gates of his would be alma-mater. Hesitatingly, the youth takes
his first steps to venture into his all new world.After the first few paces, his steps grows
bolder and by the time he crosses the gates there is a distinctive confidence in his gait.My
imagination takes wings as all those bygone years vividly materialize in front of my blood-shot
eyes.
I stare long and hard at the image of the young man in front of my eyes - a career secured in one
hand, burning ambitions in the other,teeming with confidence to take on the world. But somehow
I cannot reconcile to the fact that the image is me.My imagination flickers ,the image slowly
starts to fade. And at that precise moment I realize that the the image is unmistakably me.
Only the ambitions and dreams had vaporised a long time back. And in their wake, they have
left behind a trail of questions, which have feasted and grown on my self doubts.
I think in wordly terms I can easily be branded as a success. But my mind and soul is in torment
even as others applaud my achievements. Self-satisfaction has long ceased to be the anodyne for
my battered soul. Instead, a desperation at blindly aiming for the stars have led me to take
refuge in the dark cover of the night.Maybe if I had failed in my endeavours I would have had
the courage to stop.But I have successfully plucked stars from the sky and so I have senselessly
kept on fighting a new battle each day and retiring every night into the arms of darkness.
The first rays of dawn is starting to tear across the blanket of darkness,It is time for me to
put my sword back into its scabbard and catch a few winks of sleep. Tomorrow, or is it today,
new battles will have to be fought. My blood stained sword will once again savor new victories
or wilt in defeat.But deep down somewhere, there is the realization that the fight is not worth
it, that the ceaseless struggle is without a purpose. I know that I was, and perhaps will
always remain, a MISFIT in a world that I have chosen to be my own
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