Jim Dale and Chip Young (famed stars of Chip & Dale: Rescue Rangers) sit behind the counter at the convenience store. Crammed next to the cash register and slim-jims are the monitors and equipment. The announcing crew will have relative protection behind the counter from the mess of the store. The Korean store owner sits quietly behind, placing wieners on that little hot-dog roller thing (come on, you know that will come into play later in the story)
Dale: Hey fans! This is Jim Dale here with Chip Young, Bar Room
Brawl creator Grimm will be joining us at the counter in just a few moments,
but first there are a few things we have to discuss as these two combatants
make their way to the grocery isles.
Chip: That’s right Jim. You know, I was talking with the CWO’s ‘Tricky’ King
at the Color Commentator’s conference the other day and…
Dale: What?! The color commentators have a conference?
Chip: Your darn right we do. We discuss offensive jokes, derogatory insults and all kinds of other things we can say to good guys. We also talk about how stupid Play-by-Play announcers are.
Dale: Okay, I don’t want to know anymore, continue with the
story.
Chip: Yeah, so I was talking to Tricky about this Nakedman fellow. He seems
to be a great guy. I don’t like naked men Jim, never have- but something tells
me that this unclothed man has a lot of charisma!
Dale: So you’re saying he’s an a-hole?
Chip: You bet-ya! I’m going Nakedman all of the way. Hey… he’s not really Naked,
is he?
Dale: From what I hear- yes. He is.
Chip: Damn, you mean I came out here to see a nude man tumble around with his
thingie hanging all over the place. That’s sick.
Dale: From what I hear Nakedman used to be an outstanding,
considerate, nice guy. He was shunned for his unique clothing preference and
became bitter. Under the leadership of Holyevil in the CWO he was molded into a
whiney, conniving jerk.
Chip: Oh, so I will like him after all. Good.
Dale: *sigh* These things just don’t get through to you Chip.
Suddenly, Grimm scoots over behind the counter and puts on a headset.
Grimm: Sorry I was late, the Bar Room Brawl keeps me busy.
Dale: Well its great to have you next to us as the authority of
what’s allowed here. Could you tell us the rules here?
Chip: Yeah- because they keep changing in every person’s rewrite- haha!
Grimm: Yes, it’s a regular hardcore situation. The slammers can
use anything lying around in this brawl. In that sense, it’s no DQ. HOWEVER, I
disapprove on interference, because- lets face it, it’s a lame way to end a
match.
Dale: Well said, and I think I…
The announcing crew is suddenly
cut off by the playing of music. It is The Ballad of Naked Man by the Butthole Surfers.
Chip: This is a convenience store! Where the hell is that music coming
from?!?!
CLICK
HERE to see the amazing Nakedman Entrance Video.
I promise you’ll laugh, uhh…
unless you don’t like the sight of nude guys. Then it will probably make you
sick.
Dale: Well, I’ve been told that that music belongs to Nakedman, and here he comes, he is walking down the entranceway.
Chip: -You mean, ‘he is walking in through the store door,’
right?
Dale: Yes, sorry. And what do you know- he seems to have picked
up a microphone in the streets somewhere.
Chip: AGH! Look at him, he’s Naked. I can’t ‘bare’ to watch. But I guess I have to cheer for him, due to the
fact that he is a heel. Grimm- isn’t that sick?
Grimm: No kidding. Who the hell did they send from the CWO?
That’s it. From now on I’m going to put a clothed-men specific clause in the
rules for entry.
Chip: Yeah, because unclothed women are okay.
Nakedman: Hello everybody …
Yep, I’m NAKED!!
Nakedman looks around, realizing that this is not the ring, and that there is no audience around other then a few screaming fans outside looking through the window.
Nakedman: Well then, I guess
this is just to the people watching at home, on their computers- yeah, YOU. I
am the most prolific naked slammer in the history of Cyberslam. No one has been
so original, no one has been so good, and damnit- no one has been as so good
looking. I have what it takes to win this brawl, and that is NAKED HEAT.
Dale: Most prolific naked slammer? Try ONLY naked
slammer.
Chip: Shh! He’s on a role!
Nakedman: Now, I know what your
thinking. ‘You sick puppy- put on some damn pants.’ No, I ain’t gonna. Naked is
pure and beautiful, and how man was intended to be. What man was not
intended to be was Jordanzombie, who of course sucks.
I, with my free body that has
not been tied down by the bondage of clothing, will crush this man and take the
win for the glory of the Army of Darkness. I fully plan on ‘Nakedman’ being
carved into the anals of history… excuse me, I meant ‘annals’ of history.
Chip: Not too much of a slip for a Naked guy to make.
Nakedman: I have totally
dominated every fed I have ever been in, I am the best, and I will use whatever
object necessary to end the career of this measly nothing named-
Suddenly, ‘Perfect Strangers’ begins to play, and Nakedman halts.
Click here to listen to “Perfect Strangers”… that is, if you
can stand Midis.
Dale: Here comes Jordanzombie, I’m sure none to happy about having to face a naked slammer here.
Chip: That’s Nakedman’s advantage, you see- he can psych him out.
Dale: You know what Chip- Jordanzombie is an arrogant man too. Why don’t you root for him? This looks like it’s a battle between two cocky individuals.
Chip: Well, one is more ‘cocky’ then the other. If you know what I
mean, haha! To tell the truth I am rooting for Nakedman simply because this is his
rewrite.
Grimm: He’s got a point there Jim.
Jordanzombie: THE ALL STAR IS
HERE! I am the Franchise of the CGW!
…After defeating that used-to-be
legend Cherokee, some nudist guy that no one has ever heard of will be no
problem for the All Star Hero! So Nakedguy, lets get this over with so I can
get back to McDonalds before breakfast ends.
Nakedman: Hold it, Mr. Zombie.
You do not have the amazing powers of nudity that I do. And as I recall, you
just barely made it through the last round. Seems to me like you were pretty
battered and bruised and bloody. As I recall you were surprised by the fact
that you won. Anyway, the fight between your announcers was more vigorous then
your match with Cherokee.
Jordanzombie: …why you
little…!!!
Jordanzombie tosses the mic and dives at Nakedman, taking him by surprise. Suddenly a ref runs out of the back room and the microwave dings.
Ding.
Dale: That microwave dinging represents the beginning of this
matchup! Its under way! Bar Room Brawl Round 2!
Chip: Geez, how cheap. Couldn’t someone get a ring bell?
Grimm: I’m running a tight show here guys.
Dale: This fight has begun!
CONTINUED! Click HERE for the actual ‘brawl’ part of the Bar
Room Brawl.
Or
Click Here to leave this shamble of a rewrite and go buy
A-Team Lunchboxes.