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Trumpets flourish outside of the White Hart Tavern in the Eastern Wing of the fairgrounds. The trumpeters are dressed in grand Henrician costume, playing a jaunty tune to introduce the royal court of Davros, Virtue Knight and Count Justice.

 

Davros: WELCOME FANS! We have spared no expense! This final round is bound to be a grandiose celebra-

 

*Trumpets Blare*

 

Davros: Hmm… Well, as I was saying before I was rudely cut o-

 

*Flourish*

 

Davros: GET ON WITH THE CEREMONY!!!

 

*Trumpets Sound*

 

Virtue Knight: Fie! That be it!

 

Virtue pulls out dagger.

 

*WHIR*WHIR*WHIR*WHIR*SLICE*

 

Head Trumpeter: AGHH!!!!

 

Count Justice: HUZZAH! Right in the cur’s throat!

 

Davros: Thank you VK. As I was saying, Welcome to the Final Round of the Bar Room Brawl: Yonder Renaissance Festival! Fans, it’s been quite a ride all month and now we’re down to two men: Neoprene and Nakedman.

 

VK: And what better place for we to calleth the fight than from this fine tavern?

 

CJ: Aye. We shalt haveth an… ALE EXTRAVAGANZA!!!!

 

Virtue and Justice raise their goblets and toast. Davros does not. He only has one arm and I’m not sure if he drinks much.

 

Davros: And if there is one match that sums up the spirit of this BRB’s theme it would have to be this Iron Gauntlet Match!

 

CJ: Hahaha… It doth be a witty jest on language!

 

VK: That be right, Sir Justice. For the name of iron gauntlet doth both playeth on the fact that this match be a long ordeal of fighting and that yonder object both filthy rogues doth try to capture be an actual glove!

 

CJ: HUZZAH! What a well tale of merriment, nay?

 

VK: HAHA! That doth remind me of a sweet jest that one couldst telleth to thine children. *ahem*…

 

One day, a knight didst walk up to a wench in the Kingdom.

"Wench!" Sayeth the Knight, "For I shalt give thee a doubloon, and thou shalt pleasureth mine loins…"

 

Davros: -ERMM. Yes. Maybe we can finish that joke sometime later, Virtue Knight. But for now we’ve got to concentrate on the thing at hand… the Gauntlet!

 

Everyone is quiet for a second.

 

Davros: Heh. Get it? Hand… Gauntlet. It’s funny because-

 

Count Justice unsheathes his long blade.

 

CJ: Deform-ed troll! Thou haveth but one hand now and shalt soon haveth none if thine ill quip is made.

 

Davros: Erm. Yes. Hehe… so about the match. Somewhere, anywhere, in Trillingham is hidden an Iron Gauntlet. This is a thing of beauty and has my gorgeous face on it!

 

VK: A glove with thine ill countenance? Such a noble knight would ne’er posses.

 

Davros: Neoprene and Nakedman will have to find the gauntlet, put it on their hand, and then KNOCK THEIR OPPONENT OUT WITH IT! No pins… no submission… no time limit… no escaping nor mud wrestling. Just total brutality! One man is 100% sure be knocked unconscious! A 10 count is required.

 

CJ: A senseless beating doth always brighten mine day. Another toast! HUZZAH!

 

Justice and Virtue have another toast and drink again. They’re sure to be pretty hammered by the time this thing is over. Not that they were the most calm, clever decision makers before consuming fermented mead.

 

Davros: And the entire grounds are open. These two will be sure to revisit places from all the other rounds in search for the gauntlet! Here at the tavern, the castle, mud pits, jousting arena, by the stocks, the dungeon… and a whole lot of other places you may not have seen yet! The search for the gauntlet begins as soon as the two men get here!

 

Naked: *rolls eyes* Dude, I’ve been standing here for like 3 minutes. You’re so long winded.

 

Davros: AGH!!!

 

Davros jumps back as he notices a nude man standing inches away from him.

 

Hahaha… just kidding. He can’t jump. He has no legs. The poor loser.

 

CJ: Fie? When doth thou getteth here?

 

Naked: Look a few lines up bud. It says 3 minutes, no?

 

Neoprene now walks up too. Both competitors have arrived at the tavern starting grounds.

 

Davros: It’s Neoprene and Nakedman… two monoliths of the Bar Room Brawl! Each man has had amazing victories! Neoprene over Chevalier, the Mad Bomber and Nazareth… and Nakedman over JMan and Kurt Slasher!

 

VK: And I must sayeth, so far this hast nay been as impressive as Nakedman’s last battle.

 

CJ: Haha! Aye… he didst shooteth his wad upon the last round with his most fine parchment sketches!

 

Davros: Yeah. I mean this here is sure to be a total disappointment. Everyone will have high expectations after last round and they’ll just be let down. He used his best idea with that comic thing and-

 

Naked: Hey!!! What the hell are you talking about?! Comic? That’s the second time I’ve heard that! Are you guys crazy? Look, this is real life. How could my last round match have been some kind of-

 

Neoprene: Look, just accepten it und moven on vith your life.

 

Naked: *pfft* I bet if these matches were really cartoons then Neoprene’s cartoon last round would have been real short. I mean… it would be all like…

 

Nakedman imagines in his head:

 

 

Nakedman slaps his knee and laughs.

 

Naked: Hohoho! I love the Comics! Did you see that? DID YOU SEE THAT?! That kid in the Boondocks is sooo funny! Ah… *wipes tear from eye* …that gets me every time. The militant, afrocentric views of America through that kid’s eyes are refreshing in a mundane world of comics that go for tongue-in-cheek instead of in-your-face.

 

Neoprene: Shuten up.

 

Naked: No.

 

Davros: Well now that we’ve got that out of the way, I say it’s time we get ready for the brawl! Nakedman… Neoprene… are you ready?

 

Neoprene: Nein! I am not ready until mein minions have crushed Herr Naked like a bug!!!

 

Naked: I fervently disagree. And wait… didn’t ju… uhh… I mean didn’t “you” dismiss your lackeys already?

 

Neoprene: OH DAMNIT! Zhat vas a mistaken! Mein Neolytes vill-

 

Naked: Neo light? Hehehe. Is that, like, Neo with less alcohol? “Try Neo Light. Less Filling. Same Great taste.”

 

Neoprene: VE GERMUNS DO MORE ZHEN JUST DRINKEN BIER!

 

Naked: I’m just kidding. I know what Neo Lights are. They are those bulbs that you put in your lamp and you can see all the glowing florescent stuff or stains in the dark. They are awesome. Genocide has, like, a ton of those. That and weed.

 

Davros: *ahem*… Excuse me guys. The match. Here. Remember?

 

CJ: If thou two continueth thine jabbering I shalt be forced to slayeth thee!

 

VK: Aye. The Hun we shalt smite first… afterward the ragless jester!

 

Naked: Whoa. Cool it. Cool it. I’m fine. I’m ready. Lets go.

 

Davros: All right then. When the cannon is fired, the match will begin. On your marks… get set…

 

Naked: WHOA-WHOA! STOP! Wait a minute.

 

VK: What be it now?

 

Naked: Um. I wasn’t ready. Tell me what we’re supposed to do again.

 

Davros: *mumbling* … Somewhere in Trillingham there is an Iron Gauntlet with an etching of my face on it. Your job is to find the gauntlet, put it on your hand, and knock your opponent out with it. No pins, no submissions. You need to be wearing the Gauntlet and hit your opponent so that he is unconscious for a 10 count.

 

Naked: Oh. Cool.

 

Neoprene: Ja. Let us begin!

 

Davros: Okay. So when the cannon fires the match beg-

 

CJ: HA! I doth just realizeth something! Instead of setting off yonder handgun to begin… we doth shooteth a cannon! This be because the handgun nay be invented in Medieval times!

 

VK: Forsooth! What doth thou mean by handgun? Doth you speak off these people’s odd metal crossbows?

 

Davros: Now you two are interrupting me? …Gunner, get ready.

 

The man at the cannon nods.

 

The camera focuses on Nakedman and Neo. Both are anxious, but worried. Determination fills their eyes. Nakedman’s eyes are also filled with Visine.

 

Davros: ON YOUR MARKS!

 

Nakedman and Neoprene lean over, as if ready for a race.

 

Davros: GET SET!

 

Both get a firm grip on the ground with their shoes.

 

Naked: Hey, I’m not wearing any sho-

 

Davros: GO!!!

 

*BOOM*

 

The cannon fires, with the ball being shot safely into the air where it can harm no one.

 

Copilot: We’re losing air pressure! There’s a breach in the hull! AGHH!!!!!

 

Neoprene takes off, running to go find the gauntlet. A confused looking Nakedman stands still, looking at his feet.

 

Upon realizing that Nakedman is not running, Neo stops about 30 yards away and turns to look.

 

Neoprene: Vhat?

 

CJ: It looketh like sir Naked be totally perplexed by the fact that he doth nay wear foot clads!

 

VK: HA! I didst telleth thou he vould… I mean he “would” be!

 

CJ: FIE! Thou doth win the gamble this time, Sir Virtue!

 

CJ tosses him a bag of doubloons; then he rubs his chin.

 

CJ’s Brain: Hrm… I doth wonder if foot clads be like “foot age.”

 

Then Nakedman giggles like an idiot.

 

Naked: Hehehehehe!!! I’m not confused at all! And I’m not running either. Davros… you predictable dalek master, you.

 

Davros: What? 

 

Naked: Even though the cannon has been fired, why do I not run and search the whole festival for the gauntlet?

 

VK: Be it because thou art daft?

 

Naked: Not quite Virtue. You see… running all over this place, looking everywhere, searching under every rock, revisiting every old locale from the rest of the matches – that is what Davros WANTS us to do. And I know that I won’t find the gauntlet that way.

 

Davros: Erm… uhh… I don’t know what you’re talking about.

 

Naked: Please. What you want us to do is search all around while you laugh at us because we never realized that what we were looking for was right under our noses at the starting point. That’s just the kind of person you are Davros, I know that.

 

Davros: No… that’s crazy talk! You will be extermin-

 

Nakedman just shakes his head in disdain at the three announcers sitting at the edge of the tavern.

 

CJ: Fie? Under mine nose?

 

CJ tries to find it under his nose but he can’t.

 

He does pick a booger though.

 

And he eats it.

 

Naked: Now let me look up into the air about four feet for no reason and-

 

Iron Gauntlet: *GLISTEN*

 

The Iron Gauntlet with Davros’s butt ugly face glistens, sitting atop the gutter on the low-roofed tavern porch.

 

Davros: DAMNIT!

 

Neoprene: NEIN! Das stupid plan of yours Davros! Vhy must ju be so predictable?

 

Davros: Hey! I didn’t see you figure out where it was. Besides. All that stuff Nakedman said about me hiding it right under your nose so that you’d never find it. That was all wrong. I had to hide the gauntlet myself to ensure its total secrecy. And that was the only place I could reach. Give me a break here. I have no legs.

 

Nakedman jumps up and grabs onto the gauntlet, placing it on his right hand.

 

Nit Picking Dork: HEY! The glove in that picture is clearly left-hande-*mmmph*

 

He gets ether-ragged by Davros.

 

Naked: Now the glove is on my hand! I WIN!

 

Davros: Not quite. You have to knock Neoprene out first.

 

Neoprene: Und zhat shall not happen! …ANGRIFF!

 

Neo charges at Nakedman, ready to nail him with a clothesline.

 

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