Almond Joy and Bloussant Present:

BARROOM BRAWL: FINAL ROUND

Neoprene vs. Nakedman

THE IRON GAUNTLET

- - February 2003 - -

From the Ontario Renaissance Festival

 

 

 

Neoprene: Zhat vas a very lame pre title seqvence. Vhere vere all zee explosions?

 

Says Neoprene, as he walks under the entrance gate and into the fictional town of Trillingham.

 

Neoprene: It ist too bad zhat zhe fool Nakedman shall never see zhis festival ground again. *SNAP*

 

Neoprene snaps his fingers and a gang of Neolytes jump out of the darkness… from behind bushes and from inside of trashcans. One even jumps out from behind the abstract concept of darkness. Odd, no?

 

Neoprene: Ah, ju are here. Das est gut.

 

Neolyte: Yes Lord Neoprene, how may we serve you now?

 

Blonde Neolyte: We are your loyal subjects.

 

Big Neolyte: UNGHH!!!

 

Neoprene: Jaa. Das I know, now quit vith zee crying und behind kissing und tell me how mein plan goes.

 

Neolyte: Everything is in order, great Master. Nakedman vill… uhh… I mean will never make it to the festival alive.

 

Neoprene: HAHAHAHAHA! All is vell zhen! Quickly ju, put on zhe Nakedman costume.

 

Blonde Neolyte: But mighty Lord Neoprene, how could there be a Nakedman costume? Would one not take clothes off instead of put them on?

 

Neolyte: And not to query your most infallible Lordship, but didn’t we try this just the other week with Cheval-

 

Neoprene: SILENCEN! Ju dare question your supreme GOD?!  Ju are both now fired! …NEIN!!! Vorse zhen fired! Ju vill both eternally suffer damnation for questioning mein vord.

 

Neolyte: NO Lord, NO! Please… we are sorry!

 

Blonde Neolyte: We did not mean to blaspheme, Lord…

 

Neoprene: Mein plan ist brilliant!!! Nakedman shall never make it here und ve shall replace him vith our replicant, zhe fool-

 

Nakedman: Hey guys, I’m naked.

 

…

 

Neoprene: …

 

Naked: Oh, sorry. I meant, “YEP! I’m Naked!”

 

He smiles and his teeth go *ding*.

 

Neoprene: NEIN! How can zhis be?! Mein PLAN! Mein Überraschen plan!

 

Naked: Ooo… snazzy dots!

 

Neoprene: Vhat?

 

Naked: I just meant-

 

Neoprene: NEOLYTES! Bauen Sie zusammen!!!

 

Understanding about as little of what is going on as the reader, Neoprene calls his Neolytes in to assemble. They huddle and he starts to talk. Nakedman, outside of the circle, stands there silent and blinking to himself. And also naked. You cannot forget that. He is not wearing clothes.

 

Neoprene: Okay mein minions, it das seem ve haben unt minor setback. Das ist okay. Das ist fine. Now tell me how the naked von did escapen mein trap.

 

Neolyte: Wait… Naked Von? That’s Von? I mean I know last round he was animated and all but-

 

Big Neolyte: UGH!!! JOKE BAD!

 

Blonde Neolyte: Mighty unquestionable Lord over all, glorious above-

 

Neoprene: Do nicht kissen mein ass! Just get to zhe point.

 

Blonde Neolyte: Yes sir. I know not how Nakedman escaped your brilliant, brilliant plan.

 

Naked: What plan?

 

Nakedman sticks his head into the huddle.

 

Naked: Sorry for butting in on your little powwow here, but I’ve got to know.

 

Neoprene: Ah… zhen I vill tell ju. It das all start vhen…

 

Oh God… Not another FLASHBACK!!!!

 

About 1 Day Ago at the Ramada Plaza Hotel, Ontario:

 

Neoprene: Now liszen up, and do not pranze around like fools. Zhis is herr Naked. Ve vill destroy him!

 

He points at a poster of Nakedman on the wall with a stick. There is a huge red X mark drawn over his face to indicate that they do indeed wish to destroy him. This is what the red X generally means. There is no X covering Nakedman’s package though, so wherever he bought the poster… the guy at the counter probably looked at him all funny.

 

Neoprene: I have vord zhat he ist flying in today from zhe airporten. Ju vill meet him zhere und prevent him from ever arriving at zhe festival.

 

Neolyte: Yes, Lord Neoprene.

 

Token Minority Neolyte: As you command, Lord.

 

Toasterlyte: … *warms bread*

 

Neoprene: Zhen at zhe festival, ve shalt have a perfect duplikat und I vill pin him easy! Ha!

 

Neolyte: Excellent plan! Marvelous! Right away sir!

 

Flashback Ends.

 

Neoprene: Und zhat vas mein plan. Brilliant, nein?

 

Naked: Wait, didn’t ju… uhh… I mean “you” do that last round? I caught it on the TV and-

 

Neoprene: SILENCEN! Ju think zhat ju can qvestion me? Vell it is ju who ist the von being unoriginal because zhis is your revrit-

 

Naked: Oh look! Birds in the sky!

 

Birds: *CAW*

 

Naked: Now what were you saying? Oh, sorry… how rude of me. We haven’t even introduced ourselves yet. I assume you’re my opponent, Neoprene. I say this because they told me to look for some gay Nordic dude-

 

Neoprene: NEIN! Ju are not allowed to say zhat! Und I am not Nordic!

 

Naked: Oh, you misunderstood. I was doing an homage to “Dude Where’s My Car?” Plus I meant, uh… jovial.

 

Neoprene: Ich bin tired of your talk!

 

Naked: Ooo… I know some German. Check this out. Ich bin ein Kartoffelsalat!!!

 

Neoprene: Jaaaa. Ju are a potato salad? Das ist very sensible. NICHT!  Now tell me how ju did escape mein Neolytes at zhe airport.

 

Naked: Ah, well you see…

 

Another Flashback!!! OoOooo…

 

Ontario International Airport. Last Night.

 

Naked: *whistle*… Ah… now where did my luggage get to?

 

Mysterious Mystery Person: Nakedman, why do you need luggage?

 

Mysterious Mystery Person Dos: Yeah. I mean you don’t even have any clothes to wear.

 

Clothed Chic: He’s just kooky like that, he likes to-

 

Naked: HEY SIS! Come on! Put your mysterious mystery mask back on so no one will know who you are.

 

Clothed Chic: Oh. Hehe. Sorry bro. Say, why don’t I put this on in the bathroom? You better come in and help me there. In a private stall. We can-  *OOF*

 

Clothed Chic (pronounced “Chick”) gets knocked over and falls to the terminal floor. A group of Neolytes laugh and then turn their heads to a new target – Nakedman!

 

Neolyte: Prepare to feel the wrath of our Lord, nudist fool!

 

Nakedman: Yep, I’m nak- *OOF*

 

A punch to the face knocks Nakedman back as the two mystery companions flee.

 

Token Minority Neolyte: Your time has come. You will not make it to the festival.

 

Naked: Hey. What did I ever do to you? I mean really. Can’t we all live in-

 

Neolyte: HEY WAIT! You’re not Nakedman! You have luggage! That’s Nakedman over there!

 

Naked: Huh?

 

The Neolyte points across the terminal to another man, also completely naked.

 

Naked: Hrm. Another nude guy. What a coincidence!

 

Token Minority Neolyte: Sorry sir. Our mistake.

 

The Neolytes turn and take off charging, swinging clubs at-

 

Mideon: Hey! What the- *AGHH*

 

Naked: Hahaha… that’s what you get, gimmick stealer. Come on… we gotta get outta here.

 

Flashback Concluded.

 

Neoprene: Oh damnit! Ju incompetent fools! Ju almost attacked the right man but zhen ju ruined it all! Ju raw shanks of flesh… get out of mein dominion!

 

Naked: I was thinking it was about time we head to the starting place, huh Neo? Can I call you Neo?

 

Neoprene: Nein.

 

Naked: So Neo, I believe it’s outside of the Tavern. We don’t want to keep Davros, Count Justice, Virtue Knight and the broadcast team waiting, do we?

 

Neoprene gets shifty and devious eyes before answering.

 

Neoprene: Jaaa. Ve vill go now, herr comicboy.

 

Naked: Huh? Comic? What?

 

Neo turns towards the BRB Broadcast Center and starts walking. The Neolytes begin to follow, but he holds his hand up.

 

Neoprene: Folgen Sie nicht! Do not follow me. Ju have disgraced mein name vith your stupidity.

 

They hang their heads in shame. Nakedman giggles though, the misfortune of others amuses him.

 

Naked: Exit, stage left.

 

He leaves.

 

Director: aaaaaand… SCENE!

 

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