Outside…

--------

 

Skeletor: Trap Jaw, I have an important mission for you and Evil-Lyn. Travel beyond the Sands of Fire to the hidden desert fortress of the Faceless Ones. There you will find the legendary Ram Stone, which has the power to destroy any barrier. Bring it to me and the accursed mystic wall that guards this castle shall be shattered!

 

Evil-Lyn: Not to intrude, most wise Skeletor. But I have yet to see any evidence that there is indeed a barrier that surrounds this castle.

 

Trap Jaw: Yeah boss, it isn’t even Grayskull. You do know this, don’t you?

 

Skeletor: Quit your blabbering, Evil-Lyn, and do as I say! Of course this castle has a mystic wall! How else would our brilliant schemes continue to fail without the power of the elders and the Sorceress shielding the castle?!

 

Evil-Lyn: *mumble* perhaps incompetent leadership.

 

Skeletor doesn’t say anything, but his eyes glow red.

 

Skeletor: If that mission is too hard for you, Evil-Lyn, then perhaps you should travel to the ice caves and recover the Diamond Ray of Disappearance instead.

 

Evil-Lyn: Perhaps. But by looking at the stars, I have determined that today Lake Vortex shall rise.

 

Skeletor: The legendary lake that rises only once in a thousand years?

 

Evil-Lyn: Yes. And the very same lake whose water has the power to control will. A mere vile of water from the lake would be suitable to restrain one of the Masters through the form of an attached belt.

 

Skeletor: SILENCE! I have heard enough of your foolish plan, Evil-Lyn. I have another plan. My plan is to travel to Lake Vortex and capture a vile of the powerful waters that can control the minds of one of the Masters of the Universe. I will use it in an electrically charged belt to shock him when he does not obey. This Master himself will open the castle gate for us! Then Eternia’s power will be mine… AHAHAHAHA!

 

Evil-Lyn: Oh, however do you come up with such brilliant plans, Skeletor?

 

Skeletor: I have a knack for these things. TRI-KLOPS! Get working on this belt immediately!

 

There is silence as Skeletor looks around.

 

Trap Jaw: Uh… Skeletor sir. You made Tri-Klops cry and run away.

 

Skeletor: CURSES!!!

 

 

And back in the castle-o-antics…

--------

 

Naked: HA! Take this Slasher!

 

He jumps into the room with his sword swinging, and then notices that there is no Kurt Slasher.

 

Naked: Hrm. I thought this is the way that he came. I guess not. Maybe he actually hasn’t found the exit signs. Or maybe there were no exit signs. Maybe it was all in my head, like a strange desert mirage. Or maybe I am in the Matrix. Whoa. There is no spoon.

 

Looking around at the room he has jumped into, Nakedman comes to the conclusion that it is a bedroom.

 

Naked: Oh look! A comfortable bed! I would sit on it if it didn’t have semen stains all over it!

 

The bed would likely be uncomfortable anyway. Its one of those olden times beds from back when everyone was only 5 feet tall.

 

Naked: Still, there are some pretty nice things in here. Things I would love to steal. Too bad I’ve got a Bar Room Brawl match to do. Well, I suppose I better get out of he-

 

Spooky Ghost: OoooOoooo!

 

Naked: AGH! A ghost!

 

Spooky Ghost: Why… why do you disturb my castle?

 

Naked: Who are you?

 

Spooky Ghost: I am the spirit of the king that used to live in this castle. OooOooo… I died here many centuries ago. OooOoo… I now shall wander throughout the castle for eternity, haunting it….

 

Naked: Wait. This is Ontario. Ontario never had a king.

 

Spooky Ghost: But I… uhh… OoooOOo… look how scary I am! OooOooo…!

 

Naked: And this castle was just built for the Renaissance Festival anyway. It’s named Trillingham Castle after the fake town of Trillingham that makes up the fair grounds.

 

Spooky Ghost: OoooOoo… well, there shall be nothing FAIR about your untimely death, when I kill you with my spooky ghost powers… Ooo…

 

Naked: Okay. That fair homonym joke was even below my writing standards. And since when do ghosts have powers? What can ghosts do?

 

Spooky Ghost: We can… uhh… OoooOooo…

 

Naked: Stop the “Ooo” stuff. It’s not working. It’s not scaring me at all.

 

Spooky Ghost: No wait! I thought of something. OoOoooo… we spooky ghosts have the ability to kill Pac-Man, but only at certain times when he has not eaten dots. Once he eats those, we flee from him in terror.

 

Naked: Well, I’m not Pac-Man. So I guess I don’t have anything to worry about.

 

Spooky Ghost: How do you know that we can’t kill you too? We could.

 

Naked: Please, I don’t believe it for a second.

 

Spooky Ghost: Well that sounds like a personal problem to me.

 

Naked: So tell me… are you Blinky, Pinky or Inky?

 

Spooky Ghost: I am Clyde. Don’t try to confuse me. I am far above you in all ways. We ghosts know all and can do no wrong. We are above judgement from this world because we have already passed on from it.

 

Naked: Hahaha! You spelled judgment wrong, just like that loser wrassler who couldn’t spell his own name.

 

Spooky Ghost: It is not spelled wrong in the ghost world, a world far beyond your primitive world. As a mere corporeal creature, you would never understand it.

 

Naked: Ooo… poor me. I guess you better kill me then, and send me to ghost world so that I can understand.

 

Spooky Ghost: No. That would be too much of a luxury for a bodily entity like you. I will not bless you with this superior plane of existence, just to spite you for your rude behavior.

 

Naked: Or maybe it is because you aren’t a ghost and can’t kill me.

 

Spooky Ghost: That is nonsense. What are these nonsense words coming out of your mouth? I do not understand them. They sound like some low form of communication that ants or bugs or bees make to each other. I am too advanced to understand the language of a human like you, whose inferiority relegates your speech to the relative level of a babies drooling. At least to a higher spirit like myself.

 

Naked: But you were just talking to… grr… that’s it! I’m taking that bed sheet off.

 

Spooky Ghost: No! Do not! It is not a bed sheet! It is the specter wall, which allows spirits to exist in this world. If you remove it my soul with dissipate to oblivion.

 

Naked: Ha! Like that would make me want to take it off less.

 

Nakedman reaches over to pull it off.

 

Spooky Ghost: -Plus I think it has semen stains on it.

 

He jumps back.

 

Naked: Oh, okay. Never mind then. Hrm… wait a minute.

 

Nakedman stabs the Ghost with his sword.

 

Spooky Ghost: *ooof*… AGHHH… uhh… massive bleeding… red bloo-uhh… red “spirit energy” pouring out of my arteries. My mystic arteries, that is. That must be a mystical sword to cut me.

 

Naked: Oh COME ON! I poked your left arm with the sword. It’s a scratch.

 

Spooky Ghost: No, your wound cuts deep and I will sue you. Sue you in ghost reparations court. If I survive. Not that I can die though. Because I am…… a ghost! OoooOooo!

 

Naked: *sigh*

 

Spooky Ghost: But now I will run away, run away and hide.

 

The Ghost does exactly what he says, and runs out the door.

 

Naked: OH COME ON! I didn’t even get to see who he was! You’ve got to reveal who he was!

 

Do you want to know who he was? Well handsome and talented judges, such an amazing revelation can only be made in the final round of the Bar Room Brawl. I guess Nakedman will have to move on if you ever want to know!

 

Naked: Oh, that is the lowest thing I have ever seen!

 

Sorry.

 

A tired Nakedman begins to walk out of the bedroom to find his way out of the castle once and for all.

 

Naked: I can’t take any more of this… this is the final stretch. It’s now or never.

 

          Exeunt.

 

--------

Down a staircase walks Kurt Slasher, and through a set of huge double doors.

 

Kurt Slasher: Oh, this is definitely it. This must be the first floor. It’s gotta be.

 

He walks into an extraordinarily large room, with a tall ceiling. Opulent chandeliers hang down, lit with thousands of candles. Beneath the chandeliers, running the course of the long room, is a skinny table.

 

Kurt Slasher: Ah, the fancy dining room, huh? That would have to be on the first floor. No way they would put that upstairs. Now I just gotta get out of here. Heh. Probably through that set of doors over there.

 

Across the long room, on the other end, is another set of doors. The only other set of doors he can see. He heads for them when they suddenly burst open.

 

*BAM*

 

As they swing open, creaking, an image appears from the shadow.

 

Kurt Slasher: Oh, not again…

 

Naked: There can be only one!

 

He swings his sword around until he brings it to an en-garde position.

 

Yeah, he obviously got down from that bedroom quickly. Man, he’s fast. Like the wind, dude... Like the wind.

 

Kurt Slasher: In an annoying cultural cliché sort of way, you’re right. Only one of us will get out of this castle first. And if hell freezes over- then it will be you. And I guess I’d have no one to blame but myself because I already had two chances to finish you off. But then again, you won’t win.

 

Naked: Only one of us will get out of this castle first? HA! More like one of us will get out of this room at all.

 

Kurt Slasher: Enough talk. That’s all you do. Lets go.

 

Naked: Hey, I do more than talk. I can also- AGHH!!!! MOMMY!

 

Kurt Slasher has already taken off, running fast enough to decapitate Naked with a clothesline. Naked points his sword out blindly and Kurt dodges it, grabbing Naked from the side and slamming him onto the table.

 

Naked: *OOOF*

 

With Nakedman’s back laying on the dining table, Kurt Slasher balls his fist to pound on him. Naked grabs a nearby plate and cracks it on Kurt’s head. Kurt falls off and Naked rolls over to other side of the table, quickly reaching over to grab his sword.

 

Naked: It ends here. In this room. The final battle.

 

Kurt Slasher: Yeah. I think we already got that covered.

 

Kurt jumps on a seat and uses that to push off from so he can jump right over the table. He lands and stumbles a bit due to his weight, but quickly gets himself together. Naked retreats back to a window.

 

Kurt Slasher: There is no escape now.

 

Nakedman ducks and crawls under his legs, attempting to run under the table. Slasher catches his leg and turns to face him. This sets Nakedman up with the classic enziguri situation.

 

Which he blows.

 

Naked: Oh crap!

 

Now controlling all of his body wait, Slasher slams Naked back to the window.

 

Naked: AGH! NO! DON’T DEFENESTRATE ME!

 

Kurt Slasher: There’s that word again.

 

Naked: Why don’t we just go find a dictionary and…*gag*… UGHH!

 

Slasher chokes him and starts to lift him to throw him out. But then he looks out and sees…

 

Kurt Slasher: GROUND LEVEL!

 

Naked: Okay, defenestrate me. Do it. Do it!

 

Kurt Slasher: Nice try. But if anyone is going out the window, it’s me. Hrm… looks like there is a bit of water out there. Nothing I can’t handle.

 

Dropping Nakedman to the floor, he looks up himself. Neither Kurt nor Naked is aware of the  dangers of the moat waters and what may lay in it.

 

Naked: Sword… I’ve got to get to my sword!

 

Crawling on the floor, he scatters on his knees to get the sword. Then he jumps up and swings it around again, while talking.

 

Naked: I don’t think so! The only way you are going out is- *SLIP* … whoopsie.

 

The slippery sword javelins out of control and crashes into a nearby wall…

 

…A nearby shoddy wall that immediately falls down. 

 

Davros, Count Justice, Virtue Knight and a few technicians look on at the wall to their room which has just fallen down.

 

Naked: Umm…

 

Davros: Uhh…

 

CONCLUSION