Nakedman finally
wakes up and rubs his head, feeling a huge welt on it now.
Naked: A candlestick? Oh sweeeet irony! I have got to get out of here.
As he gets up and
leaves the room, he looks back to the ground and sees his sword.
Naked: Well, I never know when this might come in handy. Better take
that.
Nakedman, his sword
and his welt travel out of the conservatory and into the hall.
Naked: This doesn’t seem to be the same hall as before. Either I’m on
a different floor than the lounge, or the hallways just don’t connect. Well, at
least there is no chance that I will bump into Kurt Slasher here. Though if he
wants a piece of me, he can come and get it. Now that I have a sword I feel all
big and manly!
Nakedman sadly looks
down to his crotch and cries, realizing why he didn’t feel all that manly
before he had the sword.
Naked: What are you looking at?
He angrily says,
staring at this particular not-so-hidden camera.
Naked: Wait a minute!
He notices a wire
taped up at the top of the wall, connecting to the camera.
Naked: Check that out! Hahahaha! Wrassle[dot]Net is too cheap to
properly hide their wires behind the wall or to have wireless cameras! That’s
how they get it to the television feed! They need the wires! All I have to do
is follow the wires and EVENTUALLY they will all lead back to wherever the
Broadcast Control Room is. Ha! I bet it is even on the first floor. Because
Davros will have to be in there, and this castle is not wheelchair accessible!
So after laughing at
Davros’s lack of legs, Nakedman looks up and follows the wire. He walks through
the hallway and to a door, which the wire goes into. This leads to another
corridor with a staircase at the end. He follows the wire down the staircase
and to a lower floor…
Naked: And down I go!
And Now - Back to the Adventures of Kurt Slasher.
--------
Kurt Slasher: Hrm… the floor is dank. UGH… and it smells like rotten eggs in
here! Plus it’s too dark for me to see anything.
Kurt Slasher grabs
his Timex Indiglo Watch. It glows in the dark! Boy is he glad he brought his
cheap Indiglo watch now! What foresight!
Kurt Slasher: Wait a minute. There’s a fire!
In the distance he
sees a faint torch. He heads in the general direction of it.
Kurt Slasher: -OOF!
Occasionally bumping
into things, that is. He reaches it and sees that the flame has almost gone
out.
Kurt Slasher: Hrmm… I’ve got to find something flammable so that I can see in
here. Wait. I’ve got it. RAWR!!!!!
Kurt Slasher tears
his shirt off, as many wrestlers have the annoying habit of doing on occasion.
Kurt wrassles shirtless anyway, so it’s no big deal. This is kind of like a
match. Don’t be grossed out by it, the other guy is naked.
Kurt Slasher: There, I’ll let the flames catch onto this and…
Carefully wrapping
the shirt around the top and letting the flames catch a portion of the cloth,
the dark room quickly lights up and it becomes pretty obvious that Kurt Slasher
is in-
Kurt Slasher: - A DUNGEON!!!
Around him are bars
and cages. The brick wall has two lines of chains bolted into it. One line for
wrists, another for ankles. Occasionally he sees a few skeletons still in the
chains.
Kurt Slasher: Whoa. They sure did put a lot of time and effort into this
Ontario Renaissance Festival Castle to make it seem real. They must have a huge
budget. I didn’t think these kinds of festival things ran such profit.
Hahahaha! Oh that
Kurt Slasher. Doesn’t he know anything about the TRUE Canadian legal system?
The one they don’t talk about on TV?
D.B. Cooper: Is someone there? Help! I crossed the border and Mounties beat
me, took all my money and stuck me in here!
Kurt Slasher: Huh? Did someone say something?
He looks around but
doesn’t see anyone. It must have just been his imagination.
Kurt Slasher: Well I don’t see any exit around here. And I don’t see any
windows to indicate that there is a way out. So I better head back up the
stairs again.
Then he remembers
that when he kicked open that first door, the staircase went both up and down.
Kurt Slasher: OF COURSE! Why didn’t I think of it?!
What could he be
talking about?
Kurt Slasher: I should have gone up! Those guys think they are so tricky.
Obviously they want us to both try to head downwards. But I bet almost every
staircase down leads to a dead end! In fact… there is probably only one
staircase that even goes to the ground floor and out of the castle. And the
entrance to that staircase is probably UP! No one would even think to try to go
back up again! So if I go back up… I may just be led right to the place which
has the REAL down stairs!
Now, I wouldn’t
think that going up is a good idea. But you know what, that crazy plan may just
work.
…or it may not.
Because it is Nakedman’s rewrite.
Kurt Slasher: Back up the stairs… ALL THE WAY UP!
Energetically, he
races back towards the staircase he came down. Once he gets to it he throws the
torch onto the damp, dripping ground and heads up.
--------
Meanwhile, Nakedman
is following a wire through the castle…
Naked: Oh yeah! Oh yeah! *does a jig* This is so easy! I will
get out of here in no time!
Down another
passageway he goes, following the cable with his eye and goofily waving to the
cameras whenever he sees one.
Naked: Well. I’ll probably beat Kurt Slasher by like a bazillion
years. So I might as well stop for a second to figure out my direction. I
gots-ta get a point of reference, just in case something goes wrong.
He stops following
the wire and heads into a room with an open door. This looks a lot like other
castle rooms: brick walls, a table in the middle, a few chairs, some desks and
cabinets with valuables in them, homeless people smoking weed in the corner,
the usual.
Homeless J: BACK OFF!
Naked: Hey Homeless J.
Homeless J: Oh, hi Nakedman. Nice sword.
Naked: Thanks, but I didn’t think you… Ooooo wait, you meant the
actual sword. Oh yeah.
Hahaha! That joke
will never get old! You’ll probably have to read it 2 or 3 more times.
Nakedman peers out
of the window.
Naked: Hrmm. Looks like I’m on about the second or third floor. I’m
sure I’m well over half-way done! Ooo… interesting. This is a different side of
the castle than before. I think this is the front side. I wonder who all those
people are, standing around there.
Homeless J: LET ME SEE!
Homeless J rushes to
the window and nearly knocks Nakedman out.
Naked: Damnit Homey! You almost defenestrated me!
Homeless J: What does that mean?
Naked: I’m not sure.
Both share the
window and look out, trying to figure out what the hell the gathering down by
the moat is all about.
Homeless J: That one dude right there looks like he really loves scat.
Naked: What dude?
Homeless J: That dude! With the white face!
Naked: How can you tell?
Homeless J: I just can.
They stare down.
Tri-Klops: Here! I have it Skeletor! I quickly went back to Snake Mountain
and got it! It is my most brilliant invention yet.
Evil-Lyn: *snidely* Well, lets hope it is better than the chariot.
Skeletor: What is this foolish contraption you have,
Tri-Klops?
Tri-Klops: It is an Immobilizer!
Skeletor: Hrmm… Immobilizer, you say? Intriguing.
Tri-Klops: Just point the front here to the object you want to target. Then
press this button right here. The Immobilizer Ray will instantly freeze
whatever object it is pointed at, whether it be flesh, dirt or water.
Skeletor: Yes. Now if only our plan was to shut you
incompetent fools up instead of capture the powers of the elders and rule
Eternia… THEN your device would be worth the scrap it was made
of!
Tri-Klops: NO! Skeletor! You don’t understand! We can just point it at the
water and it will freeze! It will be completely solid! We could then just walk
right across and work on cutting down the-
Skeletor: Ah yes, now I see the brilliance of your plan
Tri-Klops. Here, give the Immobilizer to me.
Tri-Klops starts to
hand him the device when Skeletor suddenly jolts his arm, knocking the
Immobilizer into the moat water.
Skeletor: Oops! Did I do that? Clumsy me. And look,
unlike some chunks of Mer-Man’s flesh that have come up in the past few
minutes, your Immobilizer does not seem to float. Too bad.
Tri-Klops: But I… I…
Tri-Klops runs off
crying.
Skeletor: Why is everyone in my evil horde such a fool?!
Sometimes I think I should just hire mercenaries. Whiplash… go to the Tar
Swamps and see if you can find Two-Bad.
Evil-Lyn: If I may interrupt, mighty Skeletor, I believe that Tri-Klops’s
plan may have worked.
Skeletor: Nonsense. His infernal machine would have
likely killed us all. Besides, my plans are much better. As we speak, I have
sent Beast Man across the Ocean of Gnarl. On the Island of Anwat Gar he will
find me the legacy stones at the Citadel. Once they are in my hands I shall
call upon the powers of old and be granted the legacy armor. With the legacy
armor I will be invincible and the castle will crumble in my hands! AHAHAHAHAHA!
Evil-Lyn: And you sent Beast Man to do this task for you?
Skeletor: Yes, he will go to- … oh crap. You’re right
Evil-Lyn.
Evil-Lyn looks up
and shakes her head.
Homeless J: So what's going on down there? Who are those people?
Naked: I dunno. I can’t hear what they are saying. I guess they are
the party that will congratulate the first person to get out of the castle.
Homeless J: What? Does the first person out of the castle win something?
Naked: Yeah.
Homeless J: I hope its weed! WOO-HOO!
Homey J quickly
pushes Nakedman out of the way and jumps out of the window.
Nakedman then looks
out the window and shakes his head.
Naked: That’s going to be a pain for someone to clean up.
He then shrugs his shoulders and whistles a
jaunty tune, skipping out of the room.