| Nags's Life Right Now |
| August 24, 2002 *NOTE: My parents don�t know about too much of this and I want it to stay that way. So if you feel that you can�t keep a secret or two (or 50) from them, don�t read this. Also this was written over 3 weeks, so when I refer to it as this past week, I mean the week of the 26th to the 2nd. *IMPORTANT NOTE: Due to personal reasons, Happy & Nicole are not going to be going out at the current time. I�m not going to divulge why they aren�t but they aren�t. All my notes on them going out or talking about it are stuff I wrote in the past. Only my part about Nicole on the end was written after they decided it. And no, I don�t feel happy about it. Two of my friends are now hurting, and I never wanted that. Hey. What�s Happening? Well it�s a miracle that I�m still here to write this site update, as this past week has been the worst week of my life. I�m going to break it down from July 26 to August 2 day by day to give you the scoop on what went down. But first just a little bit of stuff from July 11 to July 26. One warning though: this is a VERY long site update. It was about 35 pages on Microsoft word and actually longer than any term paper I�ve ever written. So I broke it down so you don�t have to read stuff you don�t want to. But if you read one part at all, please read about my depression so maybe you�ll understand me a little bit more, July 12th: Car gets hotter than hell Well on the 12th I was sitting at home doing nothing (like usual) when my friend Brandi called. Well when Brandi calls its usually to ask me for a favor and that favor is usually a ride. Well it was but this time it was to drive her to Antioch because she had to get something from her dad�s house and she said that I would be paid $20 for gas. Now I did the math in my head and $20 is more money than it takes to fill up my gas tank and this trip would probably only take a � of my gas so why not. So after I finished my game of Warcraft III with Happy, I go pick her up and we leave for Antioch with her & her two friends (who seem to always be with her). Well we are driving on 680 when the air-conditioning starts to come out hot so I turn it off. Then, I�m about to turn onto highway 4 when I notice it says service engine soon. Uh oh. Well I check the gauges and I don�t see where my temperature arrow is. Lets just say that�s because the limit of the gauge is 260 and it was point around where 300 would be. OH SHIT! So I pull off as soon as I can and it ends up that we�re in Hunter�s Point of Pittsburgh. Not feeling safe. It happens that we see every kind of cop that you can see while we were there. I saw the Country Sheriffs, the city police, the CHP and even BART police. I mean damn. I really feel safe. So her dad picks them up and hands me $15 and says sorry about the trouble. I call Happy and he drives out here (good deal for him since he misses 2 hours of work). We go buy some engine coolant and put it in. Doesn�t work. So we call a tow truck and wait for it. It tows the car to Dublin for me and it also decides that it wants to charge me for it. I thought it was for free. Well I pay, all $165 dollars of it and I officially am thrown from the poor group to the broke group of society. It ended up that I needed a new thermostat, a $130 bill my dad paid for since it�s his car, thankfully. July 14th � 20th: Not a damn thing The next week comes and goes and nothing important happens as my time is taken up by soccer and I start improving as I get back a little bit of shape and start enjoying myself a little. July 21st � 25th: Feelings Exposed, Life�s Wonders and Happy�s ignorance For some reason the next Sunday (the 21st) I just lose it and I decide to tell Nicole everything and we actually have a nice long discussion about everything that has happened between us and I actually felt better after it as does she. But then almost the same thing happened the next night as me, Happy & her were on the phone at the same time but it was so quiet that you could hear a pin drop. But Happy and I were talking online and I was saying how, for some reason, I just couldn�t get over Nicole even though I knew we would never be together. Well I was starting to get pissed at Happy online especially when he suggested that I never talk to Nicole again and that�s how I get over her. Well that just wasn�t going to happen. I mean she said I was like an older brother to her and there was no way I was going to give her up as a friend since she was one of my four best friends. Well you just can�t tell somebody how pissed you are at them online and I was getting frustrated. Well finally Nicole said something like what�s up or hello or something like that and I was like, �Happy wants me to never see you again.� Well that was not a good decision. I guess after we got off the phone around 1AM that she couldn�t� fall asleep. For the next four hours she was sitting in bed thinking (mainly about me and why I ever started liking her and why I still do and how her life would be without me in it. Now on the one hand it felt kind of good because it proved to me that she deeply cares for me as a friend. But on the other hand I have fingers (rim shot please). No but seriously I felt like shit because I didn�t feel that I had a right to say that and to complicate her life anymore. Of course Happy decided to try and look like a good guy and told Nicole that I bring all the drama in her life and I�m a drama king (we had been making fun of Nicole for being a drama queen). I went off on him because he has only known her for about a month at the time and I had known her for 5 and he had no idea about the drama in her life. I maybe caused drama 3 or 4 times in her life and that ain�t even close to being all her drama. The rest of the week was uneventful and the week from hell started on Friday the 26th. Friday July 26th: The Peak of my happiness and the demise of my bank account Well Friday started as a great day but than the first incident of hell week occurred. My parents were leaving town that day for the weekend and I had already set up several things for that day. The first of which was to go to the movies to see Austin Powers 3 with Happy, Kat and Nicole. So we did that and I also saw Kristen Hahn, Ashley Chandler & Amber Staley. Well afterwards Kat said she wanted to drive which played into my hands because I wanted to take Nicole driving since I had promised her that she would be able to drive since I had known her. Well finally I was able to do something with Nicole that I had wanted to do since I had known her. First we took it slow, just circling around before we started really doing it. I told her that she didn�t have to do anything that she didn�t want to do anything she didn�t want to but she was up for anything. We started off slow and I was going easy on her because she had little experience and I knew that I didn�t have too much experience either. We ended up going for a long time until we switched positions and I took myself home and later got her home too. Ok so we went driving but I just thought that it was funny if I talked about it like that. Actually we started off in the parking lot of DHS and made our way into San Ramon. Nicole was driving my Camaro leading Kat who was in the Blazer with Happy, which was good because Happy liked Kat, and of course the whole free world knows how I feel about Nicole. I was comfortable with Nicole since she had some experience behind the wheel but I was worried for Happy because this was Kats first time driving (besides a 2 minute drive down the street with her step dad. Nicole only had two problems. First she tended to drift to the right but a lot of new drivers do that so it wasn�t that big of a deal. Second she ran a red light because she saw yellow and she thought they were flashing yellow lights that were telling her to slow down. Oh well. But amazingly (even she was amazed) I was as calm as I�ve ever been and never once yelled. It was like during prom when I was around Julie. I was scary calm. And this was after she drove from DHS to San Ramon to Castro Valley (we didn�t know where we were at first). I drove back because I knew there would be rush hour traffic on the freeway. We got to my house first and she went exploring while I started the coals for the BBQ I was having at my house. Kat and Happy came to my house and I drove the girls home while Happy went to go get some gas for his car. Well I had the BBQ and I had a lot of people there. There was me, Happy, Jeremy, Mark, Eric, Joey, Grant and Becca. I look back at the day till than and I realize that it might have been the best day of my life, maybe better than prom. One thing was that it was a whole lot cheaper. Two, I was myself the whole day, I didn�t have to act a certain way, I was just being who I was. Three, it seemed as if Nicole was starting to really warm up to me and it felt really good to have her as a close friend even if we weren�t any more than that. And last but not least, it felt good to realize after all the years of not having any friends that I actually had a lot of friends, which I realized by everybody at the BBQ. It felt good. Also that and seeing Mark get tossed in a wrestling match with Jeremy (which I do have on tape). After that all of us (minus Grant & Becca) headed to Cache Creek Casino. I think everybody left up money except me who went down $95 and killed my bank account to $15. Hell Jeremy came home up $400. Little bastard. Me losing my money was the first bad thing and kicked off Hell week. Saturday July 27: Driving, Hole, houses, alcohol and three un-magical magic words Well I woke up Saturday morning when my alarm went off Around 9 because I had to drive Mark to work (Happy & Mark crashed at my house that night). Happy went home to sleep and change clothes. I was bored so I called up Nicole to see if she wanted to go driving and it ended up that her, Kat & I took a ride to Livermore to Happy�s and Kat drove my cay and Nicole drove Happy�s. Now right there I was uncomfortable because I didn�t trust Kat as much since we weren�t best friends (and I put so much trust in best friends, you�ll see that in a couple days later) and also because I wasn�t with Nicole which is the main reason I wanted to go driving. Right away Kat ran a red light and I knew I was for a long day. She than had to drive on the freeway to the mall and she also had a drifting problem and almost hit an expensive SUV (you know one of the luxury ones) by drifting into its lane. Well we went into the mall and basically followed the girls around for about an hour. It was weird, Kat & Nicole in front with Happy & me right behind them. Didn�t stop them from checking out other guys though. So they wanted to go to Wal-Mart so we had to drive to Wal-Mart (more freeway). They got what they needed there and than we had to go on the freeway again except Kat lost Nicole so we had to go to my house to meet back up with them. We did that but then because Kat was scared of her mom seeing her driving. I drove alone into Danville with them following and than Kat went back driving. See immediately cut off someone getting out of the parking lot, and than proceeded to lose Nicole & Happy. We then pulled into a parking lot to call them but I couldn�t get through to Happy�s cell phone. So she�s going to get out of the parking lot and runs over a curb and than runs a stop sign and almost hits a BMW. Now this guy is angry but when he pulls up next to us I make an apologetic gesture and point to Kat. He seemed to understand. Than we proceeded to go on a road that had about a million turns and I was scared every single turn but I didn�t freak out too much. Then 20 minutes or so later we find the freeway to go back home and as she�s merging on to the freeway she missed hitting a Mercedes by about 3 inches. Right there I felt like punching Kat in the face and than taking control because if she got in an accident I would have to switch spots with her and take the blame because I wouldn�t allow any friend (especially a girl) to get in trouble by driving without a license and therefore not allow her to get on till she�s 18 or 21 (I forgot the punishment) I look back on it and I realize that I was a little too tense to be driving with her because my mind was on things with Nicole and I later apologized for yelling at her and everything (I probably did but I don�t remember yelling). So we get back to my house and than we have to wait for Happy & Nicole to get back (they ended up in Walnut Creek) so we were sitting around for about 30 min. We start talking and somehow I bring up a comment that a friend made about Kat saying that she has a great body and she�s hot. And if that wasn�t enough, I said that it was true too. Looking back on it I�m surprised Kat didn�t run for her life but maybe she realized that I�m honest to a fault and I don�t care if I do gross somebody out. But fellas, if you have seen Kat you know what I�m talking about. Hell I don�t even like her more than a friend but damn she looks fine. Ok well after Nicole & Happy got here the girls left, as did Happy who went home for a few hours. I was than faced was the task of finding somebody to get me some alcohol. Now hold up a second, I have to explain something. I do not drink. I have never drank. I don�t plan to drink anytime soon. This was purely my plan that I thought of because I have the undying feeling that I must protect my girls. I know it�s a problem but I feel that its my job to protect Julie, Brandi, Darcie, Tammy, Kaylee, Katie, Isabella, Hallie, Krista, Kat and especially Nicole (just to name a few), I know that its not a smart thing to think and that when it comes down to it that it�s the girls who decide how to live their lives and I can�t control how they act but I still feel as if I need to do everything in my power to make sure they are safe. Now I know that Kat & Nicole go out to parties and when they do they drink. Well I thought that instead of them going out and drinking where they have a chance of doing something stupid with random guys that it would be better if they drank at my house because at least than I could protect them. But first, I needed alcohol. I was able to get a hold of a former co-worker of mine whom Mark suggested because I thought that he had been 21 for a while. As it turns out, his birthday was the day before. But he was still 21 so he was able to purchase the stuff we needed. Happy paid for it all and we planned on getting a 12-pack of Smirnoff Ice, a 12 pack of Mike�s Hard Lemonade & a bottle of Aftershock for Happy which I made him promise me he wouldn�t let the girls know that he had any and wouldn�t let them have any. Happy at first gave me only $20 but than I was like you�re going to need more than that. He protested but than gave me another $20. Again I said you might need more than that. Although Happy disagreed with me, he gave me his last $20 as he left to go home. After all was said and done the total came to over $50 and I let the person who purchased it to keep the change as a thanks for doing this. Mark called around 9:30 asking if he could get a couple Smirnoff�s from me but I said no because between the three of them (Happy, Kat & Nicole) they would probably drink all 12 plus the other stuff (originally Happy was going to go for Jeremy�s record of 192oz in one night which would be 16 Smirnoff�s/Mike�s). So I said no and hung up. Than Happy said he was coming over and when Happy got here he said that Mark had called his cell and that Mark was coming over. I was like ooooook, it was your money. Well Happy & I were on the phone with Jeremy when I see Mark pull up with his Advanced Technology van and who comes out of it with him. Lets see�Eric, Joey, Adam & some guy name Johnny who I�ve never met and who smokes get out of the van and walk in my house. Great. Now there are 6 people in my house, only 1 of which I invited. They had maybe one Smirnoff and 1 Mike�s so that wasn�t bad but than Mark was trying to punk out Jeremy on the phone challenging him to yet another wrestling match. Jeremy has handled Mark in 2 other matches but Mark keeps coming back for more. So Jeremy comes over and we have Mark v Jeremy III. To no one�s surprise, Mark tries to fight him off for about 30 seconds and than gets tossed, multiple times. Than I step into the living room ring and I go against Eric. We both have problems moving each other but the match ends when I accidentally put a choke hold on him and he gets upset. But right after that I go against Jeremy. I am by no means an offensive wrestler so all I can do is fight them off and then counter them. Jeremy was getting frustrated because he couldn�t get me up. After about 2 minutes he finally was able to get a hold of me and got me to the ground. The match ended a few minutes later because I was exhausted. Next up was Mark against Eric and it was gay with like no one winning. But than I wanted to go against Mark but than Joey, always looking to stir the pot, suggests it be Happy & I. So Happy and I go at it. Happy gets me down quickly by running at me but it leads to a restart since we are in the wall. Well it goes for a little bit but I get control of Happy and I lift him hell of high in the air but I drop him to the ground on his knee so I don�t hurt him, which gets the crowd pissed. So no less than 20 seconds later I get him up again and I go to heave him over my head but than I hear a thump. It turns out when you�re 6 feet tall lifting another 6-foot man over your head that an 8-foot ceiling can and probably will stop your progress. And it did. His heel hit my ceiling and stopped him from going over my head. The only problem: his heel put a fat hole in my ceiling. So I now had a 2-inch wide hole in my ceiling and my parents expected home the next day. Oh shit. Well we watch the videotape and laugh a lot. They all leave so its down to just me & Happy. Than Mark & Johnny come back about an hour later around midnight and we just hang out for about 30 minutes till the girls come over at which time Mark & Johnny made like a ball and bounced. First thing we did was pile into my car and drive to the store. Nicole wanted to trash two houses of people who had wronged her in the past. They bought a lot of shit. They bought syrup, rice, bologna, whip cream, shaving cream & bleach. Took about an hour to do the houses and then it was back to the house to start the drinking. The drinking was not bad to begin with even though Happy kept trying to being out the aftershock (the first time Happy betrayed my trust, but not the last time he would that week). But after a while things started to get out of hand. Kat had about 3 or 4 Smirnoff�s and she was wasted. I mean come on. She�s a 100 pound 15 year old. Not going to take that much. Happy was on about number 4 and he was starting to get a little buzz. But Nicole, oh Nicole. She was smashed so bad. She started with a Smirnoff, had a Mike�s, than went back to the Smirnoff. She was on her 3rd straight Smirnoff and 5th drink overall when she said my stomach just turned. She than took a sip of the Smirnoff and than about 2 Smirnoffs came up as she threw it up all over my living room rug. It wasn�t anything but Smirnoff so I just put a towel on it. I then helped her stumble to the bathroom just in case. After that things started to get out of hand. I had to hide all of the alcohol in the microwave so they couldn�t have anymore. Then the babysitting started. We had to watch them every step of the way. I got particularly concerned when they entered my parents room because I know there is at least one gun in the room and I didn�t want them finding it. Also Nicole was acting�ummmmm�strangely to say the least. I won�t divulge the exact details of what she did because I still want her friendship and I know that she got upset when I was telling people some stuff. Oops. There were some funny parts though. Like when Kat & Nicole wanted to go swimming. First off if you�re drunk your coordination is thrown off so swimming isn�t something you should do. But I wanted to have fun with them. I told them they�d have to take their clothes off. They said �Really?� Of course Happy then screamed out no thereby destroying all the fun. ROAR. Another time Kat & I were sitting in the room alone and I knew that Happy liked her so I decided to see if I could have some fun with that. I told Kat that Happy wanted her to get naked. She than went up to Happy and asked him if he wanted her naked. Again, he said no. Damn party pooper. Oh and then there was Nicole�s never-ending quest to dance. She can�t dance that good when she�s drunk let me tell you that. Oh and I was holding Kat�s hand while she was walking by the pool and she was going to walk on the first step (or so I thought). She missed the first step and went right to the second. I then pulled up on her arm and got her out but her whole right leg was soaked. She blamed that on Happy peeing on her leg and the girls then asked if Happy needed help with his aim. They also were determined to find out if Happy had a vagina, which I said he did. Of course Happy fought them when they tried to check. But I couldn�t let the night expire without making a complete dumbass of my self. No, not me, not Adam Nagy. When Nicole & I were laying on my parents� bed (Kat & Happy had just left to get some bread), I was looking face to face with Nicole and she was just staring in my eyes and anyone who knows what I�m talking about knows that there is no word in the English dictionary that can describe what you feel when that happens. It was like, DAMN. Well a little while later she was outside looking for more alcohol (I had already hidden it) so I went out there with her to make sure she wasn�t going to jump in the pool or grab some of my parents� alcohol because my parents might notice some missing. Then she asked me a really stupid question. She asked me if I liked her. Well she knows that I luv her as a friend (luv = friends, love = more than friends, she taught me that) and she definitely knows that I like her as more than a friend. So I should have just said, �Yeah, you know I like you, you�re one of my best friends.� Well actually any answer would have been better than the one I said. My alcohol free mind said, �Of course, I LOVE YOU.� (Houston, we have a problem, we have spotted a dumbass). I actually didn�t think of it too much at the time but those three words that are usually called the three magic words, would turn out to be anything but magical and start my life in a tailspin. We walked them home around 4 and than cleaned up for an hour. We finally got to bed around 5. Happy promised me that he would help me fix the roof when we woke up. The alarm was set for 10. Sunday July 28th: The walkout, Spackle & my feelings drive me crazy Like I said the alarm was set for 10 but I woke up around 8:30 because I heard a noise. I looked at where Happy was supposed to be sleeping and he wasn�t there. Then I saw him carrying a box of empty bottles to his car and I asked him where he was going. He said he was going to drop it off a Jeremy�s. He said he would be back. I asked him if he was lying and he said yes. So right there I knew I was screwed. I had no money to buy Spackle and nobody to help me pay for it. So I was a little pissed at him for that. I got a hold of Mark & than got some Spackle from Jeremy�s mom and we fixed the hole. It still looks like shit but they haven�t noticed it yet so oh well. After Mark left I started thinking a lot. I had already called Nicole (Kat was on the phone too) and she didn�t sound embarrassed about anything she did and said that�s how she normally acts when she gets drunk. That got me to thinking about things and with me, that�s not usually a good thing. It was then that I finally realized that I did tell her that I loved her and that I actually felt that way about her. I mean I have always told everyone that I would never fall in love unless the girl was giving me mutual feelings back. But I guess we can�t help it. Than I starting to think about how she was acting the night before. I was worried shitless (still am and probably always will be) that if she gets drunk and acts the way she did (she says its normal) that she might be taken advantage of and/or raped. Now I despise rape anyways but if that happened to Nicole, oh damn. I mean she might not even know that it happened if she doesn�t� remember the night. I got really upset because I know how people who get raped can react. When they remember they can get very depressed and they might even hurt themselves or kill themselves rather than confront their attackers. And every time I said kill themselves to anybody I talked to this about I just broke down. I know this sounds kind of weird but I honestly don�t know how I would be able to live life without Nicole. Her and I have such a close relationship that it�s not even funny. Also I would feel that it would be my fault. As she said I am like an older brother to her and she said that because I�m always looking out for her and protecting her. If something happened to her I would be up for months thinking about why I didn�t protect her more (I know that its her life and she�ll do what she wants but its no consolation to me). So I did what I always do. I went over to Jeremy�s to talk to him. He said he didn�t know what to do (I also mentioned the part where I said �I love you). Hallie on the other hand said tell her everything and that I wouldn�t be a real friend if I didn�t tell her my concerns and than suggested I tell her I love her again at the very end (I was a little hesitant about that and wasn�t sure if I was going to say it). I also talked to Happy, Neil and some other people who I just can�t remember right now. Like I told Nicole, she is the first girl I�ve ever gotten advice about and that�s something I still do to this day. I ended up writing a note to her which I was going to give to her and have her read first and than ask my any questions that she might have (considering the way I write, she would have questions just like you probably do). I decided not to say anything about the whole love thing because at that point I was just praying that she forgot about it. I�m not kidding when I say that either. I didn�t want to scare her because I knew she would be (hell, I was). Of course that didn�t stop me from writing my new poem. Read the love poem here. So that night I had my note ready and I was planning on going to Nicole�s house when I woke up in the morning and do what we always do when I have something on my mind, talk about it and end up becoming better friends because we say what we feel. Obviously somebody had other plans for me and would make the next day the worst day of my life. WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORMS!!!!!!! Ok I just had to say that because I�ve been writing a lot. Right now I�m at the top of page 8 on Microsoft�� (please don�t sue me) Word and have made it longer than any term paper I�ve ever written. Sad thing is I�m not even halfway through the week plus the entire wrap up comments section. God Dammit. Time for a joke (skip it if you are a very religious person or don�t like crude humor) Q: What do a priest and a pimple have in common? A: They both come on 14-year-old boys faces! I think that proves that I�m an asshole (some of the time) as well as anything else you say I am. Now back to the bad shit. Monday July 29th: The most frightening moments of my life, the trend beings, the break room, the explanation and my car So I wake up on Monday around 10:30 (not sure if I really but sometime between 10-11 in always wake up and 10:30 is in the middle so there you go). First thing I did was go on my computer to make sure that Nicole was online so I knew she was home. I saw that she was but had an away message up saying she was confused. I didn�t really pay too much attention to it since I would just ask her about it in a few minutes (she lives right down the street from me). I went over there and knocked. No answer. Rang the doorbell figuring that she had her music on loud and didn�t hear me. No answer again. Odd but I went home. I went to look at AIM again and I saw that she was online but wasn�t idling. I called but no answer. I�m not sure if I went over there again or not but anywayz I talked to Big Z and he said she wasn�t talking to him either. I assumed that she was still asleep and someone else was on the computer and didn�t want to answer the phone when they saw me on their caller ID. So I went and hunted down some Orcs (if you don�t know, look at my sayings page). Afterwards I again called her because I saw that she wasn�t away which meant that she was up. No answer. I started to get worried. I went over and yet again, no answer. So I went over to Kat�s and I asked her if Nicole was mad at me or wasn�t talking to me. Kat said that she hadn�t talked to Nicole since last night and she didn�t mention me. So I went back home still wondering what that fuck was going on. On the way in a grabbed the mail and again went to check on AIM for Nicole. About 5 seconds after I opened the AIM window and she put up an away message. I read it and no bullshit, got more scared from those 6 words than I have been by anything else in my life. Her away message read �Can�t deal with life anymore�bye.� I immediately picked up the phone and dialed Happy and he said he read it but he had to go. He wouldn�t tell me where and really didn�t talk to me but said he had to go. I straight up threw down the phone, the mail and ran outside into my car and sped over to Nicole�s house. She wouldn�t answer the door again and I got scared so bad. I sped off and I saw Nate King driving him & his sister Jori to the school. I was about to go and get Jori (even though Jori is kinda weird to me) to help me because her & Nicole are friends and have been on the same soccer teams for years. I didn�t though but I than went and tried to find Hallie because Nicole was on the high school soccer team with her this past year but I couldn�t find her. So I just decided to go back to Nicole�s one last time and I parked in the driveway so maybe she wouldn�t see my car and at least would look at me through the door before she didn�t answer which would prove to me that she was ok. But as I was about to go to the door, her neighbor from across the street came out and starting bitching at me for speeding down her street, I tried apologizing but her neighbor was being really bitchy. I said that I was starting to get scared for Nicole and the neighbor kept bitching at me. All of the sudden Nicole came out and started yelling at me. I tried saying that I was worried about her but I could barely get it out before I starting breaking down and she was yelling that she was ok and after about 20 seconds slammed the door in my face. I got in my car and I just started driving wondering what the hell was wrong. I ended up driving the same route that Nicole took me just 3 days before (from San Ramon to Castro Valley on the back roads) and than to Livermore to soccer practice. I told my coaches that I was having personal problems and that I wouldn�t be able to practice but I didn�t look at them in the eye because I didn�t want them to see the tears. As I was walking back to my car, Robert, who had seen my away message saying that I was taking a drive and not sure if I was coming back, told me not to do anything stupid. I tried saying that I wasn�t going to or something like that but I just couldn�t talk and when I tried my emotions got the best of me and I would start crying again. I then took a ride to see if I could talk to Julie but she wasn�t home. I than went to Happy�s and he wasn�t home either. I decided to do something I hadn�t done for a while, go out to Tracy and talk to my friend and his mom. Now I know what you�re probably thinking, damn Nags, you cry a lot you little bitch. Well honestly I don�t. But when I get emotional about my friends, life, or my depression I cry. That�s it. Not any of the small shit. Trust me, I cried a lot more over the next week so you better get used to it. At least I admit I cry. Or do I cry? I got to Tracy (bumping my R&B of course) and I went over to my old friend Kevin Carmack�s house. Now some of you might remember Kevin as a nerdy, fat kid from Wells. Well he still is. But it doesn�t really matter. He was one of my only friends through middle school and when he moved to Tracy, I had no friends left and that was a big part of the start of my depression. Not his fault, but that, coupled with the 8th grade dance, started my depression. I�ll talk more about it later because I don�t want to go off on my depression tangent right now. Ok so I�m in Tracy. They let me in and I try talking but again I�m overcome by emotion. They realize this is not the Adam they�re used to seeing (only Nicole, Jeremy, Hallie & Tammy have seen this part of me). I told them everything and although they tried to, they really didn�t comfort me that much. Basically it was the whole, �I know you think you�re in love but you�ll get over her, you find others.� I don�t think they got the whole �best friend scared to death� vibe I was trying to send them. At least I was not alone. I left around 3:40 so I could go to work. I got home around 4, took a shower and than went to McDonalds and ordered my usual two McChickens with cheese. I realized something then. The food I tasted didn�t taste good and I wasn�t really hungry and had to force myself to eat the first one. The second one was never eaten. This would be the start of a trend that continued for the whole week in which I rarely ate and when I did it tasted like crap. Ok so I go inside and both Jeremy & Mark see me and they follow me into the break room. I check to make sure my boss isn�t in his office. He wasn�t so I took the Gatorade bottle that I had in my hand with about � still left and I threw it as hard as I could against the wall and it started leaking on the ground. It would be the first, but not that last time that the break room would be abused that night. So Jeremy & I started talking after I kicked Mark out. He said that Nicole had told him the night before that she wasn�t going to talk to me because when they were drunk I put my arm around her. I got so pissed because I had also put my arm around Kat because I didn�t want them running off because it was hard for us to keep chasing them. So that started me off on a bad note. When I took my ten-minute break I tried calling her again but her brother picked up and said she wasn�t home (yeah, right). So after I took my ten I went and hid in the warehouse so I couldn�t be found and just thought of things. After about 20 minutes of sitting in there I got out of there. I ended up just walking around the floor, thinking. And getting angry. So I went back into the break room at which point Mark was taking his ten. I proceeded to throw around about 4 chairs, a box full of signs that went all over the floor, a metal sign that hit something and shattered it and throw a silly string can so hard it put a dent in the wall. Honestly I felt better after. I know what I did was not right and not like me but that whole day wasn�t right and I wasn�t acting normal. I had Mark than call Nicole so that he could find out why she wasn�t talking to me because I wasn�t buying the whole �arm around me� thing. He called her and he found out what I had suspected the whole time. She had remembered that I told her that I loved her (Houston, we have another problem, Adam is officially fucked like he�s in butt-rape prison). So I walked out of the break room, leaving it as it was (Houston, I give up. This kid is too much of a pain in the ass, abort mission). So I was on register when my walkie goes off with my manager (well kind of my manager) saying, �Who messed up the break room?� Silence. I have a big ass smile on my face so everybody in my line knows that I did it. Then she says, �Adam, did you mess up the break room.� I again am smiling heck of big and trying not to lose it but I still don�t say something. Then Mark goes over the walkie asking, �Adam, why you smiling so big?� I ended up just having to clean it all up and she didn�t notice the dent in the wall. So you would think my day couldn�t get worse. I mean one of my best friends had just stopped talking to me and it�s my fault and I had to deal with it. So you think that maybe God would cut me a break and have the rest of the night go smooth. NO!!!!!!!!!! He decides to have more fun with me. I go out to my car and the interior is hell of dim. So I go to turn on my music. Oh guess what. I would need a car stereo for that. Last time I checked I had one, so that means one thing. If you guessed that somebody broke into my car and stole it you would be right. So I got to talk to the police. Great. They also jacked my New Found Glory CD too, those fags. I talked to Happy that night and he said that she didn�t want me talking to her because she was confused and all of that. He also said that he went to her house that morning (which I had already guessed) and that she was upset but would be ok with time. So I went to bed, sore eyed for the second night in a row. It wouldn�t be the last night that week that my eyes would end up hurting because they were so dry from crying. Tuesday July 30th: The wait continues, the loss of a �friend� and the ultimate betrayal Tuesday was really nothing special. I mean it really hurt not talking to Nicole. I don�t actually think I had anything on to eat that entire day and I wasn�t hungry either so it didn�t really matter. I didn�t go to soccer practice but my dad caught me and I just told him that I didn�t feel like going. I went to work but the break room didn�t have to suffer this time as I had calmed down. It was this day that Kat went off on me for no reason. She started cussing at me and called me gay and all of that. I really didn�t know why she was acting like this but I figured that it was because I made Nicole upset and that when Nicole started talking to me again Kat would go back to normal. I was wrong. I felt like shit when she was cussing and everything at me and it made my stomach turn. Read the section called thoughts on the people to read the rest. But this day would end up being significant in the long run. It was this day where my trust was betrayed and my respect was lost for someone. Of course I didn�t find out any of this till Thursday. Wednesday July 31st: Day 3 of silence, frustration turns to anger and the phone call Wednesday again proved to be uneventful, at least during the day. In the morning Happy came over to my house with his sister Nicole, and than we picked up Jeremy & Hallie and they dragged me to Denny�s so I would eat. I picked the chicken strips appetizer but I only finished about half of it and than I wasn�t hungry anymore. Actually I wasn�t hungry to begin with but I tried to force it down. I just couldn�t anymore. Also in the ghetto van on the way there, Hallie read both the love poem and the horrible and newest poem, what do you do? Happy seemed a little quiet but I didn�t think anything of it then. After that I went home to pretend that I was going to go to soccer but instead I went to Jeremy�s and played Playstation2. I expressed to him my concern/paranoia that Nicole would fall for Happy since he was always at her house the last couple days. But then I said no, Happy wouldn�t let anything happen because he was my best friend and I trusted him. So I played my game, went home, took a shower & went to work. I got home from work and again talked to Happy. He said that she still wasn�t ready to talk to me and that she was leaving Friday morning for San Diego. Right there I think something happened. I had been frustrated basically the entire week. I mean my best friend wouldn�t talk to me because I said something stupid. But I think it was the realization that I might not talk to my best friend for almost another whole week that got rid of all my frustration. But the problem is it turned it all into anger. I got angrier then than I had been my entire life (except for one time this past March). And I just couldn�t really contain my anger too much. I really wanted to go bash my damn fence with my baseball bat. Happy kept trying to convince me not to but I wasn�t really listening too much because I was really acting irrational. But he was concerned I was going to hurt myself and kept trying to calm me down. Obviously he was also able to convince someone else that I was a danger to myself. My phone rang and although I knew who was going to be calling (since I gave her my number to call) I didn�t know why she was calling. It was Kaylee and she was concerned that I was going to hurt myself. I talked to her for about 5 minutes and was able to convince her that I wasn�t going to do anything (I wasn�t to myself because of one main reason, which you can read about under the �my depression� sub-heading). It was nice that someone would care that much to call me even though they didn�t really know me and I will be thankful for that for some time. I finally calmed down and I realized that Happy was a good guy and had been a very good friend to me the entire week�. Let me tell you something, when a paragraph or sentence ends with 3 or more dots following it, something is going to contradict that statement very soon after. Thursday August 1st: The walk-by and non-stare, good news, something else is missing, the silence is broken and the betrayal is reviled Well Thursday just capped off the week. I mean it started out regular (or as regular as it had been) but it would change with just six words (first it was three words, then it was six, next time it�ll be twelve I�m betting). Ok I started with the �I�m going to practice but I really mean to Jeremy�s�. I actually picked up some Jack in the Box (Bacon & Cheddar Potato wedges, GOOD TIMES). But I ended up not being able to finish half of them in one setting and there are only like 20 wedges so that was not a good thing. I then went home, took a shower and went to work. About halfway through my shift I was waiting to get into the counting room to countdown my register (count the money) when I saw her. Nicole had just entered Toys R Us and I was like 10 feet from her. I said, �Nicole???� but she just walked by. To say that proved to be a major distraction would be an understatement. I had to re-count my change about four times because she was in my mind. After I finally counted my drawer, I took my ten-minute break and I went outside to talk to Aaron and Lucia. Than the second thing happened. I was sitting there and I saw a black Honda right across the way at a stop sign in the parking lot. At first I thought it was my former co-worker Chris because of the car and the fact that he what looked like a hot blonde chick in his car (honestly that�s what I thought). But when the car was getting closer I realized it wasn�t Chris. It was Nicole�s brother driving Nicole around. I saw Nicole and I know she was me and our eyes locked for about a second. Then she looked away and wouldn�t look back at me. I got really pissed when I realized that it was her and I knocked of the top of a garbage can (the garbage can itself was stone and I didn�t want to break my hand by hitting it.). I went back to the break room and fucked it up. Ok no I didn�t, I called Happy instead to ask him what�s up and if she was playing with my mind or something. But he didn�t pick up so I left it on his answering machine. I than took a slow walk outside to go back and talk to Aaron & Lucia since they probably didn�t know why I snapped. I went outside and miraculously the garbage can was back on the garbage can. I told Aaron & Lucia everything and they didn�t really say much. My MOD (manager on duty) asked me if I had to go home because she�s cool and saw that I was upset. I said that I didn�t and I would be right in. I did go in and started working till I got a phone call. Karey (the MOD) called me up and brought me into the computer room because the Dublin Police were on the phone for me. I told her it might just be about my car stereo. It was Happy. Oh Karey got pissed since Happy used to work there and informed Happy that he had just committed a felony (which impersonating an officer is). I told him I had to go but than I went and called him in the private room by the break room. He had the first bit of good news I had all week. He said that Nicole was going to talk to me when I got home and that she had a letter typed out for me. Well I got happy for the first time in a long time. I informed Candice (the manager at the time of my break room incident) that I felt good and didn�t even have to destroy the break room this time. I was on Cloud Nine, but that feeling would only last me a little bit. I went home all happy and my dad asked for my soccer stuff to wash. I had put my bag in my car on Monday to make my parents think I actually went to practice. It was at that moment right than that I realized I hadn�t seen my bag in my backseat. I was like, oh shit. So I went outside to check and it was gone. Those motherfuckers stole not only my car stereo, but also my soccer bag with about $300 worth of equipment in it (some of it only a few week old). So I had to go tell my parents that not only were they out another $300, but also that I hadn�t been practicing all week because I hadn�t been eating because I was having a lot of problems, especially concerning Nicole. Of course then my dad says the same thing he always says when I mention Nicole, �I thought you guys were just friends.� Yes Dad, we are, thanks for bringing it up for the 1000th time. But I was still feeling good; I had Nicole talking to me to look forward to. I got on my computer while I was waiting to the police to come to take the report. Happy called me, and then Nicole IMd me and sent me her note. Basically it was as I suspected all along. She had been going through the same shit I had but maybe a little worse. I haven�t been able to and I don�t think I�ll ever be able to forgive myself for putting Nicole trough what she went through and I�m having a tough time dealing with it. The only difference is that Happy had been with Nicole everyday and I didn�t have anyone coming over to make feel good. I don�t think anybody could though; only Nicole would have done the trick that week. Well maybe a cheap hooker�no what am I saying. Only Nicole would have done�or maybe Brittany Spears in the schoolgirl outfit. Fellas you know what�s up. Anywayz, Nicole hadn�t been able to eat like me but she was doing worse than me. I can�t tell you the exacts because its really not your business. Ask her and maybe she�ll tell you but I am not going to be the one to do it. She did say that she had missed talking to me and that she would like to start talking to me again. That made me so happy that you don�t even know. I finally had my best friend back and my little sister and the person I felt so strongly about. Ok no jokes about the love and little sister thing. Two totally separate feelings, we aren�t in the Midwest. So her and I talked a little after that and I even made her laugh a couple times and she gave me the 143 when she signing off (143 means I love you and she�ll usually say it to you when she�s happy with you and I like it when she�s happy with me). But I couldn�t help but notice that Happy was acting a little weird on the phone� Happy didn�t sound like himself on the phone, like something was bothering him. He kept saying he was fux0rd (fucked) and that he was going to Canada (that was my line first). I didn�t pay attention to it at first and offered to go with him. Then he said that I was going to be pissed at him. This was after she had gotten offline so I thought that maybe he had said something bad about me to her. I got pissed and demanded to know what. He wouldn�t tell me. I finally told him that if he didn�t tell me right there, that I would go out to Livermore and bash his van in. I was actually going to do it too since I still had some anger left over from before. He than told me something that was more of a quick mumble than anything else. I actually understood what he said but I didn�t comprehend it so I said, �what?� He than repeated the six words that ended our friendship (or at least crippled it and put it on life support). He told me that he had asked Nicole out on a date. Can�t really describe what I felt right than because I really don�t remember and don�t even know if I actually felt anything, I was kind of numb. I stayed on the phone with him for about 3 minutes of silence but than I said �I�m hanging up on you now.� I hung up, threw down the phone, and just sat there and thought of what to do. I told some people but what amazed me is Sara Reeder said, �I know what you�re just been told and maybe it�s for the best.� I appreciate the fact that she was trying to help me but was kind of pissed because she knew before me, obviously. So I did what I usually do when I have a problem that I don�t know what to do about, I called Jeremy. At first Poncho wouldn�t give him the phone but I pleaded with him and he could tell I was upset so he gave it to Jeremy. I told Jeremy what happened and starting cussing, using the word backstabbed and, you guessed it, crying. Jeremy didn�t seem that shocked because as I would find out, he already knew too. The police came so I had to go teary eyed to talk to the police. When I was done with them I asked if I could go to Jeremy�s to talk to him (and odds are Hallie would be there too). My parents saw I was upset and they probably heard me saying something about Happy backstabbing me or me cussing or something else so they let me go. I got to Jeremy�s and I talked to him & Hallie for quite some time. I didn�t know what I could say to get through to them how I felt and still do feel. Now let me make something clear to everybody right now. I am not pissed that they are going out. Well not that pissed at least. But I would be upset if Nicole was dating anyone because I like her that much and because I think of her like a little sister and I would have to constantly worry about her. But if it had been brought to my attention that he liked her or she liked him than I would have tried to make it work. Because one of my main goals in life is to have Nicole be happy because that means that maybe for once in my life I did something right. I would never, ever, try to deny her happiness. Or another thing that wouldn�t have pissed me off is if Happy came to me like a man and said, �Nags, I�ve started to have some feelings for Nicole. Now I know that you like her a lot and have for a long time and I only know he because of you, but I was wondering what you thought about me asking her out because I really want to and I�m thinking about it.� They didn�t have to be those exact words but you get the picture. But that�s not what went down. Apparently (although I didn�t know it at the time) Nicole started liking Happy that Saturday when they drove together. Happy still liked Kat so Nicole was upset that the person she had feelings for liked her best friend (Ironic but yes, the person I have feelings for likes my best friend. Her and I have too similar lives). Well I guess by being around her on Monday and Tuesday made Happy see what I�ve been seeing in Nicole over the last half-year. And apparently on Tuesday he asked her out and although he kept giving me a vague answer, basically she said yes that they would go on a date when she got back from San Diego. Now I know that it would have been hard for Happy to admit to me that only a day or two after I told her I loved her, that he was going to ask Nicole out. But it would have been the right thing to do and it would have kept my trust & respect for him (trust and respect are the two things that are most important to me in a friendship. Without them I can�t be a friend with somebody). One of the hardest things I�ve ever had to do was go up to Cole after the �incident� (for those of you that know, the Beast is the only explanation needed. For those of you that don�t, you obviously don�t need to know). And this was probably harder than what Happy would have had to do because this wasn�t a friend that I messed with; I messed with a member of his family. Honestly that night was on the 10 most important nights of my life. It was that night that I first told somebody about all the depression and the past thoughts of suicide and I would tell a few other people the next couple days. It was that incident that forced me to tell the first girl since 5th grade that I liked her (not the first girl I�ve liked since 5th grade, only the first to be told by me since 5th grade). It was also the night that I learned sometimes you have to do things you don�t want to do and face the consequences of your actions and be a man and admit your mistakes when you made them. Although Cole was upset about what happened, he thanked me for telling him myself and said he had a lot of respect for him because I did. That is one of the only times I have ever felt that I�ve done something right in my life. It was also hard to go over to Nicole�s neighbor�s house after to apologize because I didn�t feel I did anything wrong. But I swallowed my pride and did it mainly because I didn�t want Nicole to get shit from her parents if the neighbor were to tell them. This way I felt she might not. Anyways, I left Jeremy�s house that night leaving Hallie all worried. I told her that honestly in my heart I couldn�t promise her that I wouldn�t touch Happy that night and that I wouldn�t go out to Livermore. When I make a promise I like to keep them and I wasn�t sure that I wasn�t going out there. So I left but I didn�t feel like going home. I wanted to take a drive. So I took the road from San Ramon to Castro Valley again, only this time it was different and I think I may have had another motive. See by this time it was past midnight so the road had some fog and visibility wasn�t as high as it had been any other time. Also I think I wanted to die that night. I did so by intentionally not wearing my seat belt and doing everything but intentionally crashing. The turns have a suggested speed of 30MPH. I was going 75 around them. I honestly wanted to lose control of the car and die in the accident. I felt that hurt by it all. Somehow I kept control of the car and got to Castro Valley. I than went on the freeway toward Dublin and beyond that, Livermore. I decided to push my car even more. Somehow it just feels as though you lose some anger by driving fast and boy did I drive fast. I learned one new thing about my car. It tops out at around 115MPH. At that point it makes a noise that makes you not want to push it anymore. Somehow I was able to keep my anger in check and got off on the San Ramon Blvd exit, instead of on 1st Street, which is only 8 exits down, or about 6 minutes by how I was driving. So I get home and my dad wants to talk about it and we talk and yet again her ask, �I thought you were just friends with Nicole?� Thanks dad, had to ask that only a couple hours after you asked for the 1000th time. So I had to explain him the whole situation that we just were but that I had feelings for her and Happy knew and I don�t feel like typing it all out again. I went on my computer for about an hour and I talked to Kaylee for a while and she got pissed at Happy and hasn�t talked to him since. She also offered to drive up from San Diego to be with me. Honestly I don�t think she would have driven the 7 hours, but it felt good to at least have the offer. It was just that I really needed a girl with me. For some reason they calm me down so much. Hallie wouldn�t do it though because she was always with Jeremy and she�s Happy�s friend too so I wouldn�t put her in that situation. I didn�t really have anywhere to turn since I could never get a hold of Julie; Tammy was busy with her shit; Nicole was involved in all this and I didn�t really have anyone else. Well I had Brandi but she�s always with her two other friends and I really don�t think it would have mattered since she doesn�t like Nicole so she would be biased. I just needed a girl to say that it would be all right. Guess I couldn�t get that. So I went to bed around 3AM and my eyes were dry & sore for the 3rd night in 5 days. Friday August 2nd: The knife wound in my back starts to heal Ok so I know this is the 8th day I�ve written about but who cares. So I wake up and go on my computer and I�m in my room and I see that Nicole left a message on my away message about 10 minutes before I saw it. She said it was all her fault and shit like that. So I grabbed the phone but she wasn�t home as they had left for San Diego right after she got off (the computer that is). So I left a message on the answering machine. Two problems though: I was at the end of the longest week and I wasn�t talking like I normally do. I was talking more in a sober mumble than anything else. Also I was thinking of what to say as I was saying it so it wasn�t really complete thoughts. So I guess her dad got all upset when he heard that. Oh well, he never liked me anyways. I guess her mom was laughing because it sounded like sex or something. She knows me so it�s all good. But around 2 or 3 I did something that help relieve some of the anger that had been pent up inside me. I called Happy and talked to him. More like I put him on speakerphone and walked around the kitchen yelling and cussing at him. Well until my parents got home. Then I walked around the pool still talking, yelling and cussing at him. What I said was not that important at least not until he called back later and we talked about something else. We talked about the whole thing with Nicole and he said he was thinking about calling it all off. I told him it better not be because of me because I didn�t want her thinking I played a guilt trip on Happy and ruined her happiness. I asked him why and he said because he didn�t want to lose her friendship, which he felt he would when the relationship ended. I almost respected him a little than. But of course he had to say something to me to kill that little bit of respect. He said that I big reason he was thinking about not breaking it off was that he was scared that she might hurt herself if he did. Now I know Nicole better than I know myself. I knew she wouldn�t do anything because she hadn�t liked Happy for that long and she wasn�t in love with him so it wouldn�t really effect her all that much. But he didn�t think so. So he said he was going to think of it since she was supposed to call him that night. I told him that if you didn�t break it off that night, you had to go through with it. I kind of told him that I didn�t think it would be a good idea to go through with it because it didn�t sound like it would be a healthy relationship and an open one (which I believe the successful relationships are the most open ones). I didn�t doubt that he liked her, just that his biggest reason shouldn�t be fear. That was the last time I�ve had a long conversation with Happy that didn�t take place over the Internet. But I did cry a lot that day because it was hard for me to deal with the fact that I felt my best friend stabbed me in the back. I went out to tell my coach I wouldn�t be practicing and he saw that I was shaken by all of it and he just sent me home right away. I went to tell Candice & Karey that if I was working that they couldn�t let Happy in because I didn�t want the chance to do anything stupid. I couldn�t tell them why though without breaking up, it was so gay. And I wasn�t really getting good advice from people. Most people said that I should kick his ass but that would mean I would probably lose Nicole (bad times). But I don�t know. I�m still trying to figure out what to do with my anger. So yes, I went to bed with sore eyes for the 4th time in 6 days. Ok well that wraps up the day-by-day look at things. Now for the subsections. Why I started and why I still do? A question that I have been asked many times, especially by Nicole, is why do I like her? To be honest I don�t know. I don�t know why I started liking her and why I still do. I think I can attempt to find out why I started liking her. I think one of the main reasons was that she showed me that she had a lot of guts and determination. When I first met her she had pulled her hamstring before the semi-final game yet she had still played on it and was planning on playing in the finals (which she did). I (the master of words) then called her a tough bitch. But something between then and two days later at finals clicked in my head. All of the sudden I started liking her. I mean during the finals I basically paid attention to her more than anything else. And two days later I was nervous just talking to her online. Oh and that non-eating period and waking up thinking about her. Yeah that was confusing. I think maybe I know why I like her. She has just the right mix of everything. I mean she got the looks, especially the kind I�m a sucker for. Blonde Hair, blue eyes, damn. I can�t resist them. Not too many people can look like that and me not be attracted to them. She�s also a very sweet girl. I mean she�ll apologize for anything, even if it�s not her fault. She�s also very athletic and plays soccer and lives it like I do. I mean we both still haven�t gotten over our last high school losses. She is also like I am in a bunch of ways. We both don�t like mornings so we take our showers at night, we both like the same favorite color, the soccer thing and other random ass shit. Of course she also is nice to me, a definite plus. I can talk to her, I can go to her house, I can call her and she doesn�t� mind (most of the time). Hell I can just be myself around her, something that I like to do. She also makes me feel good just being around her. I don�t know what it is but she does. There are a bunch of other things but seeing that its almost 12:30, I�m going to go to sleep and I don�t feel like thinking anymore. Right or Wrong? That is the question to which I don�t know the answer to. That is: Is what Happy did right for him and I shouldn�t be tripping about it, or is it wrong because he didn�t care how I would feel about it and just did it? Now there is the most common answer that I have heard, and that is that he was wrong, that he is a little bitch and I should beat his ass. That is actually what I�ve heard from just about everyone and it�s actually how I felt at the time and kind of fell like still. But I have heard other people�s opinions. All two of them. Aaron said that what Happy did wasn�t right but he doesn�t necessarily think that it�s wrong. Kat says�well I don�t think I should get into that because I could say anything I wanted to and she would basically disagree with me. I have a unique gift, I believe. I have the ability to be able to look from anyone�s viewpoints and usually see their motives and can see what they�re thinking. Hell I can even see what Osoma Bin Ladin was thinking. He wanted to show the world that even with the World�s Strongest Economy, Military & Democracy, that America was still venerable and that they could be attacked. Do I believe that he�s a little bitch and needs be thrown off the top of the newly constructed Twin Towers in about ten years? Hell yeah. I don�t think anything in the world is worth killing almost 3,000 people and impacting millions of people�s lives but that�s what he was probably thinking and what he believed. Still think we should take his land and rape his wives though (inside joke with Mark). I can see why Nicole was mad at me. I confused the hell out of her. This was one of her closest friends and you don�t expect your good friends to say that they love you and make you all fucked up for a little bit. I can see why Kat was upset at me. I would be hell of pissed about anyone in the entire world if they hurt Nicole or Hallie or another one of my best friends. She was just reacting to her anger. But I can�t justify what Happy did. I�ve tried putting myself in his place. I mean there�s this really good-looking girl who�s just a blast to be around and she likes him. But I don�t see how he didn�t think this was wrong. When they were around each other for most of Monday and Tuesday, they were almost talking about me non-stop (from what I�ve heard). I don�t see how I couldn�t be on his mind when he was thinking of asking her out. I don�t see how that couldn�t have made him think twice about how I would react to it. But maybe I�m just biased but I don�t think so. Maybe there is no right or wrong in this case. But I hope so because that would mean I just wasted a lot of time talking about it for no good reason. Mari: Does she not know or is she actually on to something? Yeah I�ve never met Mari but that doesn�t mean she doesn�t hate me. But she actually had made some sense to me. When I asked Nicole why she hated me, she said because Mari thinks I�m trying to push Happy away from Nicole because I want to keep Nicole for myself. I just made a joke about it and didn�t� really think of it too much. When I did I was wondering if maybe Mari was right. Well not completely right, just right about me trying to keep my friends for myself. I think that maybe I do try and keep my friends for myself too much. I think it stems from my childhood. Between 4th-8th grades I had about six or seven of my closest friends. When the last of my friends moved at the end of 8th grade it put me into depression (which you�ll read about a couple sections later). I think I got some abandonment issues from all that, like something I was doing was making them leave. I think it�s a part of me still. That�s why I�m upset about Jeremy going into the Army I think. Because even though I knew it was coming, I can�t deal with it. That�s why I think I have some resentment toward Hallie sometimes. Like when we tried to go places with Jeremy and do things, a lot of the time he�d say no because of Hallie. I know I�m not the only one to resent her but I think I may have resented her more than other people. I�m not saying that I don�t love Hallie because I love her with all my heart and there is nothing I wouldn�t do for her and I hope that I�ll be able to be with her when Jeremy goes away and she�s left without him. It�ll be tough on her as well as me (but tougher on her). But I still have resentment toward her. Before her it was like this, no matter what you could call Jeremy and he�d be home and willing to play games all day long. I remember this one time it was me, him & Mark playing games for like 5 or 6 straight hours. Now every time he clicks over me and whoever else is on the phone hopes its not Hallie because that means the games are done with. I don�t fault him for it because if I was with somebody who I loved like he loves Hallie; I would do the same damn thing. But it doesn�t mean I don�t resent her for it sometimes. And that gets me wondering, how can I resent somebody I love so much. I think its because I�m so possessive of my friends that I don�t want to lose them. Another example is with Nicole. Any guy that she has tried to be with (minus 3 of them), I tried to make her not go with them. Most the time I got lucky and were right about them being assholes. But I still pushed her away from them as much as I could. I haven�t pushed her away from Happy because I can�t honestly say that he�s an asshole and would be bad for her. But I am overprotective of Nicole. For some reason, I don�t know why (maybe its that she is younger and been through a lot of the same shit I have), I am constantly worrying about her unless I�m with her because I can see her and I can make sure that guys ain�t going to be around her. I think the problem is I know guys too well. But I only take the negative side of guys when I�m relating the to Nicole and I think they are after one thing and one thing only and if you�re thinking it�s an open honest, loving relationship, you need to stop reading his right now. I think I also have a fear of being replaced. That maybe she�ll find a guy and I�ll be less important to her and will no longer be her best guy friend. I think I have that problem all the time. I mean it hurts that Happy & I have been replaced with Hallie in relation to Jeremy and I just think that I don�t want to be replaced by another one of my best friends. So do I think Mari was wrong about me pushing Nicole away from Happy? Yes. But did she accidentally point out one of my faults. Yes she did. Maybe I�ll actually be able to talk to her online sometime (or maybe not, I don�t know if I can stand to protect another person). �The Novel� & the Site I started writing this on Saturday August 3rd. I never planned on making it this long. I mean I thought maybe 8-10 pages on Word at most. This is being written on page 20 and this isn�t the end. I just hope that maybe you�ll read a lot of it so my time (all 15 hours or so) won�t have been for naught. I have been asked this question a lot: �Why do you have a web site?� Simple. I want to. I want people to know how I�m feeling, I want to get my feelings off my chest, I want to be able to acknowledge the good people in life and berate the bad people. And it seem as though people want to know what�s on my mind. Less than 5 months after the site was started it has hit over 550 hits and that�s before this goes up. And as long as you guys keep reading what I have to say and visiting my site, I will keep doing this. I�m also taking a Web Page Design class @ LPC so maybe I�ll put a facelift on the site. The Things in Life I Hate Ok here is the short section in where I�m just listing the things in life that I can�t stand and why I can�t stand them. 1) People who are fake � I can probably trace this feeling back to middle school. People would be fake to me all the time. When they were around a group of people they felt as if they had to make fun or me and treat me bad but when it was just me 1-on-1 with them, they were more than happy to talk to me and be civil. I wasn�t sure if they were being fake when they were being hateful toward me because they didn�t want to show anyone that they didn�t hate me or they were being fake to me when they were being nice because they had no one to talk to. I hated myself for everything with Julie because I look back on it and I was so fake with her. I mean I wasn�t myself around her. I was this quiet, well dressed, GULP, Mormon. All my friends no that if they had to use 50 words to describe me, none of them would use quiet, well dressed or Mormon, unless of course they were joking. 2) People who are pretty and skinny and think they are fat and ugly � Hell it seems like all the girls around me that are hot and skinny think they are the opposite. It started with Shannon and now I have to deal with Kat & Nicole. Now if you can find someone to tell me honestly that Kat & Nicole are both ugly and fat, I will give you some money. 3) People who are fat & ugly and think they are skinny and pretty � I�m ugly, I know it. I�m fat (or I was but now I�m like borderline fat & normal) and I never tried to pass myself off as skinny. You won�t ever see me on the soccer field with my shirt off. I hate people who got the rolls of fat pouring out of they�re shirts that expose their mid-drift. Maybe I shouldn�t be so hard on people trying to make themselves feel good but dammit, I don�t so no one else should : ). 4) People who betray trust � Now I�m not making this up to try and get at Happy but I honestly hate it. I feel that trust is one of the most valuable things in life that you can be given. It�s also not something that can be easily replaced. Trust should be the basis of any friendship or relationship because if you can�t trust somebody how happy can you be worrying about if the person will be true or not. 5) Drugees � This is an easy one for me to trace. I haven�t seen 2 of my aunts in 10 years because of their drug problems (along with alcohol). It has deeply impacted my cousins� lives and its hard for me to be around them (especially Katie) and not hate me aunts. They have caused my cousins so much pain and have made them deal with more shit than a kid should have to deal with. I�m not talking about weed either. I honestly don�t see too much wrong with weed. When I see it having a bigger impact on people�s lives besides helping them relax and forget about their troubles and pain, I�ll let you know. 6) People who hate me, but don�t know me � I have enough people hating me because of how I act and shit like that, I don�t like strangers not liking me. That�s why when people don�t like me who really don�t know me (like Nicole�s Parents), I want to talk to them to see why they hate me and to see if I can change their opinions of me. So if you don�t like me but never really have talked to me, talk to me and tell me why you hate me, so maybe I can make you understand who I am. 7) Girls who put sense of humor on top of their want list � Stop lying. If that was true Angelina Jolie wouldn�t have been banging Billy Bob Thorton, she would have been with Drew Carey. And hell girls think I�m funny, but I am not getting shit. 8) Needles � Screw all you who think I�m a pussy for this one. I hate needles with a passion. The only tattoo I�d ever get would have my wife & kids� names on it. And piercings, yeah, sure, I�ll get one of those�wait no. Only if someone close to me really wanted me to get one and it wasn�t anywhere like my tongue. 9) People who make fun of how I dress & look � Screw you guys. I�m a white t-shirt, blue jeans kind of guy. I will wear what I feel is comfortable and nothing else (besides special occasions). I will wear the same 3 or 4 sweaters if those are comfortable. I will not wake up 5 minutes early to comb my hair unless I feel there�s a reason. That�s why god invented hats. Oh and screw you and your comments about my face. I know I have acne; you don�t have to point it out to me assholes. Ok I�m done venting. The Question I was talking to Neil online and he asked me a simple question but I really couldn�t answer it and as much as I�ve tried over the last 3 or so weeks I still can�t find out the answer to the question. He simply asked me this: �Am I sorry that I met Nicole?� Now I want to say of course not, I�m so glad I met her, my life wouldn�t be the same without her. I can�t though. Now that I know her, I wouldn�t trade our friendship for anything in the world. But I tried to imagine how my life would be if I never had kicked the garbage can into her (which happened on my half birthday). I mean maybe I wouldn�t have gone to prom since Hallie made it a big deal that I go to get over Nicole. But I wouldn�t have gone through some of the shit I did and I wouldn�t have gone back into my depression so quick (not until prom rolled around). Happy and I probably still would have been friends and there wouldn�t be a hole in my ceiling since the guys were only at my house since I had alcohol. I would have been so ignorant. I wouldn�t have known what I was missing. Like I didn�t know what I was missing before I met her. But I look at what I wouldn�t have. I wouldn�t have a fourth best friend, I wouldn�t have ever met Kat, I wouldn�t be as close with Z, Mike, Neil, Grant and a lot of other people, I would have never started this site, I wouldn�t have any girl that when she is around me I feel good. So I actually think I am glad that I met her because I wouldn�t trade all the good things for my ignorance I had back then. If only she could get amnesia and suddenly forget only the bad things about me. Ok I think I babbled on enough. I got to give it up to those who were there for me Well I have to give some people some credit for being there for me. Some were there more than others but everyone who was there helped me and I�m thankful that they were there. I have to thank Happy (well he tried to help in the beginning), Sean, Mark, Candice, Jeremy, Hallie, Angelita (I know girls are trouble but dammit, I still want one), Brad, Robert, Josh, Sara, Terri, Chrissy and Bo. If you think that I missed you, I didn�t. You helped me more than other people and that�s why you�re coming up next. First off I have to thank Neil. Its funny that the only reason I even started to talk to him again was because of Nicole randomly messaging him. I ended up starting to talk to him and although we are two different people, we have a lot in common. During this hard time I went to him and asked him questions and told him to be honest. I felt hat it would be easy to talk to him and have him be honest since him and I weren�t exactly friends and he was unbiased since he wasn�t friends with anybody involved and actually didn�t know most of the people. He told me how he felt and actually compared it to several instances in his life, which made me realize that I�m not the only one who�s been put in this situation. He�s been there a lot for me lately and hopefully he�ll be there in the future and I�ll be there for him if he got a problem. Next up is Mike Wolfe. He didn�t say too much about everything that was going on, but that was probably a smart move on his part since he didn�t have to hear about everything non-stop. But what he did was take my mind off everything by playing Counter-Strike & Warcraft III with me. He made me feel better by just being on the phone and getting my mind off the shit by killing those damn Orcs & Terrorists. I�m going to hate to see him leave next month for college but hopefully we�ll still have time to go hunting. Next up is my White Brotha Big Z. Damn I can�t thank him enough. He�s been there for me for some time but I never realized how good of a friend he actually is until recently. He was one of the first people I told about the whole Nicole thing as well as the Happy thing. He�s been one of the few people online constantly and hopefully I�ll be able to kick it with him before he heads out to Arizona State a few days after my birthday next week. Time to show love for the girls and first up is Tammy. Straight up, I luv Tammy so much. She has been there for me for a good part of the last year. She has offered her own, un-biased, honest opinions and criticism of me during that time and I can�t thank her enough for it. The thing I like most about her is that as sweet as she is to me, she�s like the mean part of me. I mean that because she says things that maybe I think of but I won�t say because I don�t like saying mean things. But oh will she say them. She always tells me to keep my head up and that it will get better with time and when she says it its hard not to believe her. I think I acted kind of weird toward her after I lost Kat & Happy. I was telling her that I was scared of losing her too and that we would grow apart from each other. But she again reassured me with her honesty. She said, �We will only grow apart if we let it.� I like that. I feel as if I have control over something. And if I have control I will do everything in my power to make sure that I don�t grow apart from her too much as the years go by. Time for the last person and it is Me (God I love me). Ok I�m kidding its actually Kaylee. What can I say about her that I haven�t told her already? I mean she is one of the sweetest girls I know. Unfortunately she lives about 7 hours away (although I might be able to make it in under 5). It was weird when she told me about her past and it resembled Nicole�s and mine (more Nicole than me). It actually brought us closer. Funny my depression actually brought us closer. Well it shocked/flattered/cheered me up when she called me that Wednesday. It was good to hear a voice of a female (the sex that calms me down) and I calmed down a lot after that. I found that it was sweet that she offered to come up here from San Diego to be with me after everything with Happy (even if I doubt she would have been able to). She gave me her number and since then I have called her a couple times. I hope to make that a routine thing once I get my cell phone working and won�t have to pay for the long distance. The only problem with her is that when I�m feeling sad I make her feel sad. I don�t want to do that but it seems that I can�t feel good recently so I�m bringing her down. Hopefully that�ll change and hopefully I�ll be there for her when she has rough times and maybe somewhere in the near future I�ll be able to meet her face to face. My Birthday & the 3 great �presents� Ok I know this is off the subject but who cares. Let me say straight out that my birthday sucked. I mean really really sucked. It was the first day of school and that first class took up my time from 9-11. Then I had soccer @ 1:30 so that took up my time form 1-4:45. I took a shower and was actually able to sit down for about 20 minutes. Then I had to leave to get food and go to work. I was supposed to work 6-10. I was allowed to clock off and go home at 12:10. But there were three great parts of the day and I will list them from great to greatest. Great: Jenny Symmons came into my work because she is a friend of Aaron�s and when I told her it was my birthday she gave me a big hug. She gave me about two other hugs before she left. She also gave me her number and we�re going to go on a Cache run soon. That�ll be good times. Greater: Kaylee. I swear, she must have said Happy Birthday about 15-20 times on the 18th & 19th (my real birthday). She also told me that she loved me and called me sweetie a lot. I told you I�m happy when girls are happy with me. I�m like a damn dog. They�re happy towards me, I�m happy. They get pissed at me and I go hide in a corner. I�m a little upset that I wasn�t able to call her that day since I wasn�t home but oh well. I still talked to her a lot online and she was a very big bright spot in the day. Greatest: Well I decided that I was going to try and return to normal with Nicole and after I got out of my morning class, I went to Carl�s Jr. and got myself some food and her a milkshake and fries (which was our usual tradition for mornings). I went to her house and when she opened the door I handed her the food. She put them down on the little table thing next to her and then opened her arms and said Happy Birthday and gave me a big hug (the first time I had hugged her in 3 weeks). It was a long hug too and I said, �No more drama, ok?� She said ok. We just talked for like 20 more minutes before I left. It was so good to just get back to being friends like we have been for the better part of 6 months. That is probably the best birthday present I�ve ever gotten (material items don�t mean as much). Like I�ve said, girls calm me down and make me feel good. I only wished I could have seen Tammy on my birthday. Oh well, such as life. My first thing learned in college Ok well my first day of school fell on my birthday. I had an hour of health and 3 hours of soccer (I�ve been cut since than). But I learned something in health that has really made me think a lot and how it relates to me and my situation. Here�s the story (condensed of course). There were these two monks and they came upon a river and they saw a women who couldn't get to the other side. So the one monk picked her up and carried her across since it was on their way. 10 min later the second monk says, "You touched a women, you aren't allowed to do that, what are we going to tell the abbot?" Another hour passes and again he says, "I can't believe you did that, the abbot will not like it." Right before they get to the temple the 2nd monk says, "We got to think of a story to tell the abbot, we have to think of a lie." The 1st monk then says, "I stopped carrying the women at the river, you've been carrying her all day." So basically I�m thinking of it and it relates a lot to me right now. Just substitute the 1st monk for Happy and the 2nd Monk for me. Happy made the mistake. He thought it was right at the time (I guess) but he realized afterwards that it wasn�t. I, didn�t do anything wrong but by not letting it go it�s like I�m just carrying on the bad deed. I didn�t drop it at the river and I�ve been �carrying� the weight around with me and its been affecting me. At least that�s how I break it down. But of course in the story the 2nd monk didn�t get really really pissed at the 1st monk. Tony Let me start off with the truth: I didn�t know Tony Bonnell. I knew who he was but I didn�t know him. I knew that he sounded like a good guy and all that but I never knew him. But yet in death, he had a bigger impact on me than he ever could have in life. First, I think we need a little background information for those who don�t know what happened. Tony was in the car with his friend, Paul DiVittorio, when Paul fell asleep at the wheel while driving on a highway. The car went off the road and slammed into multiple mailboxes and then hit a utility pole. Apparently Tony wasn�t wearing a seat belt and although I don�t know for sure, I think he hit his chest extremely hard on the dashboard because he died from damage to the main artery of his heart. To say the least it shook the foundation of the youth of Dublin. Our high school has about 1000 people in it but by the time somebody is going to be a senior (like Tony was) just about everyone from one or two grades beneath you and one or two grades ahead of you know who you are. I didn�t know a lot of people who knew me but they did. That�s just how Dublin High is. That�s one of the reasons I�m going to miss it. I�m going to miss the fact that everybody knew who I was and I had a lot of people I could hang with. The day after Tony died, I found out about it from Mike Wolfe. But if he hadn�t told me, I would have found out about it from about five other people, as it seemed a lot of people already knew. But it was the next day on my way to soccer that I really thought about it and it impacted me life. This was only a week after everything with Happy. I was already well into the site update and had been thinking of it all because I had been writing about it. Now I know I have probably said some harsh words about Happy and I�ll probably say more before I�m done but it got me thinking. Now I know I�ve said that I�ve got stabbed in the back and that I�ve lost a friend. I honestly think that I have but I thank God (or whoever is up there) that I didn�t really LOSE a friend. I know that I can still call Happy, Kat or Nicole and they�ll be the to pick up the phone. Well unless they check Caller ID first. But the fact is they aren�t dead. They are still walking the earth and aren�t lying in a casket. It also makes me think that no matter how bad my shit is, it could be worse. I mean think of Tony�s close friends. They�re 16, 17, 18 years old and their best friend is dead. Sure I had a lot of drama and bad shit happen to me and my life will never be the same because of it, but everybody�s still here. They haven�t gone anywhere. They are still all there for each other and I still can know that they are all right. It just helped me put everything in perspective. It has also got me thinking about some other things. I mean only a week before I was trying to end my life by driving crazy (a lot more on that in the section below). What would have happened if I did lose control? What would people think of it? Would people even care? Would people even cry? Would people show up at my funeral? Or would people have just said, �That�s too bad,� and kept reading the newspaper. I�ll never know. Well that�s all about Tony that I can think of. He�ll be missed, even by people who never knew him. RIP Tony Bonnell 1985-2002 My Depression (so maybe you�ll understand where I�m coming from) Like I said before while Kevin (my only friend) moving (my 6th friend in 5 years to move) helped start my depression, there was also the 8th grade dance that helped it start and if I had to point to one day that signified the start of my depression, it would be this day. The 8th grade dance started it because, like a lot of middle school kids, I thought I was cooler and more popular than I was. Don�t act like you didn�t feel the same way. Of course some of us don�t grow out of that stage (COUGH Josh COUGH). I went alone (most people had dates like this was homecoming or prom or something) but I still thought I would dance with some girls and even ask girls I had liked for all of middle school (like Stevie). Ultimately I ended up alone for the entire night. Most of it was my fault that I didn�t have the balls to ask any girls to dance, even though they were standing like 3 feet away from me. Hell I�ve only asked one girl in 7 years to dance and that was in 6th grade (technically I didn�t have to ask Julie to dance @ prom and I didn�t dance with anyone at homecoming). So yeah that night was the first night I remember ever crying about my life and actually cried myself to sleep. I guess I finally realized I was a loser. The next two years of my life were the most trying years of my life. I was close to suicide more times than I can count. See some of the problems stemmed from all my friends moving. I was reluctant to let anybody into my life and trust people again. I think I was afraid of being hurt again. I also didn�t play high school soccer my first two years so I didn�t have something to distract me. I think all of that contributed to me not caring about school, which caused my problems at home, which made my depression worse than it already was. I can honestly say that probably the only reason I didn�t kill myself is that I always thought of suicide as being selfish. I always thought that it wasn�t my right to do it; it wasn�t my right to cause the 5 or 6 people that cared about me to hurt. I just never felt that it would be right. Also I kept thinking (falsely) that maybe the girl I liked would realize that I wasn�t a bad guy and not care about the fact that she was the most popular girl and I was one of the �lower class� guys at our school. Yes I liked Stevie Bauer from 8th grade to probably around the end of 10th grade. The fact that I liked her probably depressed me more than anything. I mean I knew in my heart that she would never give me a look and that our talking would be nothing more than a quick hello in passing or some talking online. I can probably easily tell you why I liked her. First she�s cute and she�s blonde (I�m a sucker for blondes, especially with blue eyes). Second, she actually treated me like a human being. That wasn�t something to easily find back than. And last, I was friends with her mom and would go down to the elementary school to talk to her on occasion and for some reason I thought that maybe that would help somehow (although I talked to Mrs. Bauer because she was basically one of my only friends, even if she was a parent to a classmate). Another thing that hurt me was the people I hung out with. I wasn�t welcome at lunch with them but for over 2 years I hung out with them. It seemed as if everyday Josh & I would get in a fight. And I�m not saying he�s the only one. But its funny, as much as I was at odds with most of them back then, I�m friends with them all now. Then something happened. I got friends. Toward the last months of 10th grade and the whole summer I got some friends. Three to be exact. Mark, Happy, Jeremy & I would call each other up almost everyday and play games all day long. Yeah its weird but without the computer, Starcraft & Counter-Strike, I could still have no real friends and be more depressed or maybe even dead. It sucks to think about but that�s basically how I feel about it. During junior year I also starting becoming close with Hallie but had some problems with Mark. I also got over Stevie and now I liked Darcie. But the difference was, Darcie I talked to everyday. Everyday I walked with her from 1st to 2nd period and from 3rd to 4th period. The main problem was: she was single I think about 3 days for the whole time I�ve liked her. And that was only because she was waiting for the guy to ask her out. But she didn�t get me near as depressed as Stevie did because I could honestly call Darcie a friend and I think she considered me a friend. I also started playing high school soccer and was able to prove to Robert, Josh & Grant that I didn�t suck and while I was on varsity, we actually got along good. But when the other keepers were done serving their suspensions, I was sent back down and Josh & I started fighting again. Grant & Mark kinda were at odds with me for a lot of the year. The problem was, we had a lot of classes together including one on another campus in which either Grant or Mark had to drive Happy & me. So basically it was Mark & Grant doing their thing and Happy & I were doing our thing and we didn�t get along too well with each other. They also started a rumor around the group, which spread to the school that almost had us coming to blows because they knew it wasn�t true and I had even told them to stop it but they didn�t. But toward the end of the year Happy & I got a job @ Toys R Us (because Jeremy worked there). Mark followed shortly there after. So the four of us went back to being friends again. Right after school got out Hallie & Jeremy finally started going out. I really didn�t have too many problems and had more friend in Cole & Kenny to hang out with. Kenny followed me to Toys R Us and we hung out all the time. I think about three or four nights a week I would either be at his house or he would be at mine. But he eventually did something that destroyed my trust in him and him and I haven�t been as close as we were. Then school started and I got some more friends. First was Brandi. She was a cool girl I would hang out with when me, Cole & Kenny would wrestle. I mean her and I had instant chemistry as far as joking around. We could just play off each other for days. And she genuinely seemed happy to see me every time she did. She would always give me a huge hug and would flash a big smile. But then that incident happened with Cole and that kind of put me down. I hurt Cole�s trust in me and we haven�t been as close as we were before but we can still chill. Also I had to tell Brandi that I liked her. She was cool with it but basically ignored how I felt and it hurt me. Also I got a new friend in Tammy because her and I became aides and when everything happened I told her and she was a good listener and seemed concerned. She even asked me later how I was doing and what happened between me & Brandi and all that. She earned my trust that day and would continue to keep it till this day. Also I went from great friends with Jeremy to as close as I was with anybody (till Nicole). I told him about the whole past and suicide and depression and shit. Than I got DEEPLY depressed after homecoming because, again, I went with no one and danced with no one. I know I could have probably but I didn�t ask anybody again and I really got depressed. Then came soccer. I was told before tryouts even started by the coach that I wasn�t going to be the starter and that he didn�t know who it was going to be but he HEARD that the other two were good. It pissed me off because I wasn�t given a chance and because he hadn�t even seen the other two goalies play yet. And during the only scrimmage of the year, I sat the whole time. I was the only person not to play, and this was a game that didn�t mean anything. So that put me into as deep of a depression as I had been in for a long, long time. During the end of the season I got a break when the other goalie messed up and I got a chance to finally play. Of course it was the 4th to last game of the regular season. But the next game I started my first game of the season and I played the 2nd half of the game after that. Than came my single best game of my life and it was one of the top 10 events of my life. It was the senior game so we had our biggest crowd of the year to date and I knew before the game that I was going to play the whole game. We were playing the 2nd place team Acalanes (who we lost to 1-0 earlier in the year) and although we were almost guaranteed a playoff spot, we wanted to get a point to guarantee us a spot. I did OK the first half and didn�t allow a score but I wasn�t really challenged at all. The second half something just clicked. I mean I was doing all sorts of things I hadn�t done before. I basically turned from my back, pushed myself up with my hands and landed on my feet. I dove and stretched out as far as my body would let me to stop the balls. Eventually we got a score in and we held them off and won what was, at least my point of view, as good of a game as you�re going to see on a high school level. I of course was mobbed for my 20-something saves. But the reason it was such an important day for me is because, for once, I showed the school and I proved to myself that I could do something right, that I was good at something, that I wasn�t a complete fuck up. I played only the second half of our quarterfinal playoff game and again didn�t allow a goal but was replaced by Joey for the second half. They scored two on him but we still hung on to win 3-2 and to upset the #2 seeded team (we were a #7 seed). Between that game and the next probably one of the most important things of my life happened and would change my life forever, but I�ll write about that in the next paragraph. Then came our semifinal rematch with Acalanes. Again, I didn�t� allow a goal the first half. I was worried that I was going to be replaced by Joey again but coach stuck with me. I mean I don�t think he had too much of a choice. I had allowed only one goal over the last 340 minutes of game time, and that was when my own team scored on me. But then, at the 78-minute mark of the game and after around 15-20 saves, they scored on me. We tried as best as we could to score over the next 2 minutes but we ran out of time (only 80 minutes in a game) and we lost 1-0. So yeah I got a little depressed about the outcome and the fact that (I thought) my competitive soccer career was over. But it felt good knowing that I had done all I could and even better the next day at school when people who I hadn�t really gotten along with, like Bo, came up to me and said I had one hell of a game. But the day after the game resulted in me first talking to the one who would drastically alter my life. Yeah I know it may seem weird that I refer to my first time really speaking to Nicole in person as a life-changing event but it almost was. It would lead me to my depression coming back up. Oh it wasn�t her fault, not in the least. But sometime between the time we talked and the finals for the girls on Saturday, I started liking her. And by the time Monday rolled around, I really liked her. I had Grant give her my screen name to see if she would message me. She did. I can honestly say that I was more nervous that night on the computer, then I had been my entire life. Little did I know only a week later my world, and my hopes, would come crashing down in a blaze that was anything but glorious and would end up sending me toward my depression. I had known her for a week and over that week we talked just about everyday online. I also became sick. I couldn�t eat anything but bagels, as I wasn�t hungry. And for 4 straight nights I woke up between 4:30-6 and the first thing that I thought of was Nicole. I was honestly scared. I mean she�s good looking but I had seen other good-looking people before and hadn�t thought of them this much. She was fun to talk with, but I never felt this way about anybody else who was fun to talk with. Something inside me just made me like her. But then the weekend came and I made 3 mistakes in 3 days. Those mistakes, 1 was a misjudgment, 1 was a huge assumption by her parents that was totally wrong, and the other one was just a dumbass mistake on my part. Ok on Saturday I had this stupid fake baby (which I had all weekend) and I was having cabin fever. So I decided to go to her house to talk to her. Apparently, she didn�t know that I knew where she lived. I mean she waved back at me when she was at her house and I was in Mark�s truck so I assumed that she knew. She didn�t. We talked for around an hour and it was good times. But I would find out later that it scared her. The next day I couldn�t take it anymore so I was going over there to tell her that I liked her and to just see what was going to happen. IO went up to her door and she wasn�t home. I got into my car and then her parents drove up with her. I got out, talked to her about 2 minutes (yeah I chickened out and didn�t tell her I liked her) and then left. She messaged me about 15 minutes later asking how long I was waiting outside her house. I got all upset and was like I wasn�t waiting outside. I was just pulling away. I guess her parents thought that I was waiting for her to come home and I don�t think they were convinced otherwise even though she was convinced I was telling the truth (I honestly was). Ok the next night would prove to me that her and I had no chance and would start pushing me toward my depression once again. She was out learning to drive and I had to go out to get some things for a CHEE project due the next day. I didn�t know where she was but I guessed she was in the DHS parking lot. So instead of going straight to the library I went by the school on the way. I saw the blue truck in the parking lot, which proved I was right. But here�s were I went wrong. A normal person would have just honked on their way by. No, not me. I went in and drove by her, stopped, waved and then left. Oh dear god that was a bad thing to do. So I went home after I got my shit and she came back and she said what the hell where you doing there? She then said that she was getting scared of me and that she thought I was hell of cool as a friend but that I was being a little too weird. In typical Nicole fashion she ended up apologizing about 50 times for making me feel bad but it was my fault for doing some things stupid. But I wasn�t done. I would make her feel even worse, before things got better and throw myself back into a full blown depression. Prom was about 2 months away at the time and I made it clear to some people that I wanted her to go to prom with me. I think I had told Grant & Jeremy and I was talking to Grant about it. He asked if I was going to prom and I said no, since Nicole probably doesn�t want to go with me. Well he ended up telling Nicole about that and she got all upset about it. See just a week earlier I had told her that she would regret every dance she missed in high school because I was trying to get her to ask the guy she liked to Sadies. But she threw that in my face so bad. I couldn�t say that it wasn�t a big deal to her because a) it was & b) she would bring that up. So then anytime I mentioned prom in a conversation she got feeling all bad. This is when Kat entered the picture telling me to leave Nicole alone and that I�m hurting her. I think this is when I finally realized that I was really hurting Nicole and that I should stop talking to her. That lasted about one day. But thankfully she found it in her heart to forgive me and we were able to become friends (even with her knowing of my true feelings for her). So my depression was back. It went away around prom because I was focused on Julie (although when I was with her I was somebody else and was thinking of Nicole sometimes). Then after Julie said she just wanted to be friends, I went right back into the depression. I don�t think I ever left it, just forgot about it for a few weeks. Then I realized I still liked Nicole. I had never stopped talking to her and I just realized that I still liked her, even more than before. Well I knew she didn�t like me so nothing too much was happening with that. Then I said when I said to her and everything happened with Happy and I honestly wanted to die for the first time since I could remember. The pain was just so much that I didn�t know how to handle it. I think the main reason I didn�t do anything to myself was that I was thinking of Nicole. If I would have done something she would have blamed herself and then maybe have her herself. Then maybe Happy would have hurt himself. I don�t know though. But then when I found out about Happy asking Nicole out it just seemed like life was trying to tell me something. Life was telling me that I should give up, that I should just submit and leave. So that�s what I was trying to do on Crow Canyon Rd that night. I was going 75MPH around 30MPH turns with no seatbelt on. I was hoping that I lost control of the car and crashed. I wasn�t going to just let go of the wheel though, that would be too easy. I wanted to fight it but not be able to handle it. One problem though: I was so used to driving crazy and taking turns too fast that I took everyone perfectly. Never once went in the other lane or towards the barrier. I�ve been asked, �Why would you want to kill yourself, you have so much to live for?� What people don�t get is when you are depressed you don�t see that. All you see is the negative side of things. You think that all life has to offer is pain and suffering and you don�t really want to deal with it anymore. You�re a pessimist. I�ve always tried to be an optimist because I hate how my dad always thinks the worst is going to happen. And for the most part I am. I always think the best is going to happen with my friends. But with me I always think the worst, it�s just how I am. That�s why I�m never hesitant to make fun of myself to get the laughs. I also tried to hide the depression for the longest time. I hid it by always appearing to have fun and I was obnoxious and I loved to make people laugh. That has been one of my only joys in life, comedy. I feel that if I can make someone laugh and/or smile, then I have a purpose for being here. Ok well that�s it for this section. I know my life could be worse but its sucks anywayz. Thoughts on the Three Main People Well this last section will just explain my feelings on the 3 people that were involved most in the drama and what my feelings are towards them right now. Kat � I really don�t know what to think of this girl. I mean I always thought she was my friend and I considered her a friend. I guess she never liked me. When I found that out, I honestly because even sicker to my stomach than I already was. My stomach just turned. I asked Sara to find out if Kat was mad at me but Sara said that she wasn�t mad at me, she just hated me. I was just blown away. I mean I kind of expected her to be mad at me since I had hurt her best friend and Nicole was going through all the shit she was but I never expected those words. Then she told me that she never liked me. She just started going off on me online. But for some reason I didn�t get upset. I just took it all. I asked her why she had been fake to me (read a couple sections above to find my opinion on that). She said because she was a bitch. I wanted to go off on her but for some reason I didn�t have the anger. I can�t hate Kat no matter what she says to me. I think there is something wrong with me, that I can�t hate girls even if they are being mean to me. Now she says that she was just mad at me and she doesn�t hate me. But of course she doesn�t like me either. I�m really confused but I have long since accepted the fact that if I want to be friends with Nicole that I have to be able to co-exist with Kat. Now I still like the girl and have luv for her, but it�s going to be weird around her for a little bit. Hopefully I�ll forget it sooner rather than later and that she can be civil around me for Nicole�s sake. Happy � This is a tough one for me to handle. Honestly I want to go back being friends with him. It�s tough that my last three or four weeks of summer couldn�t be like most of July in which me & Happy (with Jeremy sometimes) would play games in the day and tape cars during the night. Some of my happiest moments this summer came when we were all taping. And if Happy had done just about anything else in the world, him and I would probably be taping cars as I write this (a little past midnight) instead of me writing this. But the problem is I have a hard time being friends with people I don�t trust. But usually if I don�t trust them I can still hang with them because even though I don�t trust them, they never betrayed my trust. Going back to what I wrote about during the depression section, I don�t� take it lightly when I give my trust to somebody or likewise when I�m given trust. As someone on AOL said to me, �You have every right to be angry. As a friend, its his responsibility to look after you feelings.� Now I�m not saying I�m a perfect friend. I make mistakes just like everyone else. Hell, the main reason I�m writing this is because I made a mistake to a friend. But I don�t betray my friend�s trust. I never steal from a friend, I never talk behind their back and I don�t tell other people their secrets. And I always try to think of my friends� feelings when I do things. Sometimes it doesn�t show but honestly I do. I know its supposed to be �Bros before Hos� (I�m not calling Nicole a ho, its an expression) but I couldn�t honestly tell too many people that I would pick them over being with someone like Nicole (or Nicole herself) so I don�t completely fault him for falling for Nicole. Whether him and Nicole start dating or they decide they�d be better off just being friends, it doesn�t impact my feelings toward Happy. The only thing that would is if he ever hurt her (by cheating or something stupid like that). Maybe I didn�t know Happy as well as I thought I did since I never saw this coming, but I think I know him well enough to know that he would not hurt her purposely. I mean I think the only reason this did hurt as much as it did is because of who it was. If this was Mark or Grant or some other one of my friends who I�m not super close with, it would have hurt but it wouldn�t have hurt to the point where it put me over the edge on not wanting to live. Honestly no bullshit, I wanted Happy in my life for as long as both him & I were living. Jeremy has said a lot over the last year that no matter what happens, in 10 years we�ll all still be here together and it won�t matter. Jeremy ALWAYS said that because he knew I was getting slightly depressed about life and the future. But the thing is, I believed him and I wanted it. I wanted to have my two best friends as my best men in my wedding. I wanted to enter the most important phase of my life with Jeremy and Happy right beside me. I wanted to be there for them when they go through the same thing. When Jeremy & Hallie do get married, I will swallow my pride and stand there, right next to Jeremy & Happy, as Jeremy enters what many consider to be the most odd couple marriage they�ve ever seen. I consider it to be one of the most loving, at any age. Although I do not know the whole thing with Godparents I do know that it is a great responsibility. They are basically the parents approved backup plan in case something goes wrong and the parents aren�t able to be there (i.e. they die or something). My first kid�s godparents were going to be one of the two cult members, either Jeremy or Hallie depending on which side I got to choose. The second child was going to have Happy as a godfather. After that it was a toss up between Nicole (if I still know her, which I hope I will), and my cousins Katie & Isabella (I don�t want direct family members like aunts or uncles to be godparents). Of course I wanted to be a part of Happy�s children�s lives too. I wanted to be Uncle Adam to his & Jeremy�s children as I wanted my children to be calling them Uncle Happy (or Justin) & Uncle Jeremy and Aunt Hallie. I�m not making any of this up to make Happy feel bad for everything, I�m just telling you how I feel. I�ve only loved four people so much that I consider them like family to me (not counting family, duh). They would be Happy & Jeremy who I considered to be like brothers to me, Hallie who is like my twin sister since we always fight and pick on each other but we do it out of love, and Nicole, who is honestly like my little sister because I never stop protecting & worrying about her. Will Happy & I ever talk again? Yes, we still bullshit a little online but we can�t do it like we used to. I can�t call him up everyday, multiple times a day, to play Counter-Strike or Warcraft. We�d just have silence. Can we ever go back to being friends? Probably. Maybe in a couple months or so when I�ve had my time, I�ll be able to start talking to Happy and having him as a good part of my life again. But, will we ever go back to being like brothers? I never say never because if you had asked me 6 months ago if I thought I would be best friends with Nicole, I would have said, �Nicole who?� Things happen in life and sometimes you don�t understand them at the time but later on in life you realize that it was for the best. Maybe this will be one of these situations that me, Happy & Jeremy reminisce on in 10, 15, 20 years. But right now I�d have to say that it probably won�t be the case. But no matter what, if he really needs me for something, I�m going to be there for him, because even if I do have angry feelings toward him, he was still one of my best friends of my entire life. I�m going to end Happy�s section by paraphrasing Limp Bizkit which I think basically describes my feelings toward Happy. Maybe he just made a mistake And I should give him a break My heart will ache either way Nicole � Well�what can I say that hasn�t already been said? A lot, actually. Like I�ve said, I�ve known Nicole for just over 6 months and she is probably the best girl friend I�ve ever had (next to Hallie). I�m actually amazed she still talks to me. After the first weekend you would think she would have blocked me. But she didn�t. Personally I think she just didn�t want to hurt me. But I was lucky/unlucky enough to be in her life when she had a big crisis in her life. I had actually known her for only about two weeks when it happened. She was careful to who she confided in about her problem and I didn�t think she would tell me. But for some reason she trusted me enough to tell me. I had to promise that I wouldn�t tell a single soul in the world and to this day I still haven�t (as with any promise I make to her). I think it was the night that I earned her trust and became her good friend. Oh we�ve had lots of problems since then and we�re going to have more problems in the future knowing us as I do, but I think just because I was able to earn her trust & respect (because she told me not to do something and I listened) and she knows that she can tell me everything, we will always make up and forgive and make jokes about it later. Now why do I still be friends with her when it�s obvious that I can�t control me liking her and that being around her makes me like her more (usually). Simple, because I could never stop being friends with her. Her and I are about as close as two friends can be when they are the opposite sex and the parents hate the one friend. There isn�t too much about her life that I don�t know and she knows just about everything about me. Anything important in life happens to one of us, the other one will know it the same day it happens. Also I can�t help but be cheered up when talking to her and she�s LOLing and Grrrring and all of that. I can�t help but crack a smile. I also appreciate her honesty, even if I don�t agree with her. Like she thought it was disrespectful of me to not want to be a pallbearer for my grandfather because I wanted to be with my cousins. I did it without saying a word but that wasn�t� good enough in her eyes and she went off on me and we got in an argument. I was a little pissed at her at the time but in the end it was her opinion and I respect that fact that she would tell me it even if it weren�t what I believed. I do that same to her but sometimes with less than great results. About what happened these last past week (as this is written almost 4 weeks after it happened). I can�t say that I blamed her for how she reacted and how she dealt with it all. I admit to the fact that what I said was not what I should have said. Hell that she be more than apparent at this point in �the novel.� The fact that she waited so long to talk to me is something I have a little bit of a problem with but it was her choice and I can�t do anything about it. The fact that she did want to keep talking to me and that she missed our everyday chats is a good sign and I know I felt the same way. About everything with Happy, well I�m not blaming her for a damn bit of it. It would have been selfish of me to try and deny her happiness because I might not like it. She shouldn�t have to think of me when other guys are trying to get her to go out with them. I appreciate the fact that she tells me about the guys and listens to my advice but in no way is it my right to tell her that she can�t go out with someone. I have advised her in the past to stay away from certain guys and gave her my reasoning but no matter what I�m not going to abandon her because that would make me the asshole in the big picture. Now some people might think I�m taking it easy on her because I like her and that if I don�t think that Nicole should be held responsible, Happy shouldn�t either. The thing is Happy asked Nicole, not the other way around. If Nicole had asked Happy it would be a whole different story but that�s not how it went down and I don�t feel like repeating myself to as why I�m still hurt from Happy. I will be the first to admit that I am not the dream guy of anyone. I know this. I know that I�m not easy on the eyes or the ears for the most part. I�ve been called cute like three times in my life (excluding family) and one time was �the Beast� so that shouldn�t count. But I�ve tried to make up for the lack of looks with being nice. Even when Kat was pissed at me and was going off on me, she still couldn�t say that I had done anything wrong to her because I try to make all girls happy (cept a few people). That�s what I�ve done with Nicole. I know she hasn�t had an easy life either and I�ve tried to make up for that and to get her mind off her troubles by being there for her. Anytime she needs anything I�ll get it for her, she doesn�t even have to ask most of the time. I�ve sacrificed so much time, effort and money to try and make her feel happy. Most people ask why and the truth is I simply think that girls should be treated as well as possible when they are young and the small things mean more. When women get older they�ll have so any things to do and have to go through so much that they�ll look over the small things. I just want them all to be happy. It�s not just Nicole either, it�s all girls. Jessica Santos isn�t really what I would call a friend to me but I knew her from school and I knew when her birthday was. It happened that my grandpa died right before her birthday so I wouldn�t be in town for her birthday. But the night before I was leaving I went out, got a card, a $10 Jamba Juice gift certificate, and gave it to Hallie to give it to her on her birthday. They did and from what I hear, she was touched by the fact that I thought about her on her birthday and that I would think about her during all the stuff that was going on. She said thank you when she did see me when I came back. That�s what I want to do for all the girls I know, just to make them that much happier. I didn�t even have feelings for Jessica and I still did that for her. I�ve taken Hallie out for food before like we were on a date but it was just me being how I wanted to be and a girl letting me. That�s what I like. Is it a fault of mine? Hell yeah. But with that said, I�d also like to state that I feel like a failure. All I�ve ever wanted is for Nicole to be happy and sometimes I�ve been able to do it. But other times I�ve just made it worse. And it kills me that I have. Does it make me sick to my stomach that I made Nicole�s week a living hell just like mine was? Yes it does and I have a problem with the fact that I did it. Does it make me pissed off at myself that I�ve caused Nicole to cry? You bet your ass it does. I can�t stand anyone close to me crying, especially girls. During the baccalaureate in June, two of my best girl friends (Hallie & Darcie) got in an argument and both were crying about it. It killed me sitting next to Hallie and seeing her cry and then when Darcie sat next to me and she was crying, it hurt just as much. I basically had tears in my eyes the whole time because of both of them feeling like they were. I�ve rarely seen Nicole cry but on the times I have, all I�ve thought about is that I have got to get her to stop crying. I have to make her feel better. But sometimes I�ve failed. Just recently she said that she hated taking school pics because they make her look ugly. For some gay reason I agreed with her (they make everyone look ugly, as people just have a habit of sticking out their necks). I said that she looks absolutely gorgeous in her soccer pics (OMG she does so much. Those damn blue eyes with that damn blonde hair OMG it doesn�t look anything like her school pics and matches her real life look exactly) but she forgot about that part and focused on the ugly part and it got her all upset. She took it to mean that I was calling her ugly (which is one thing I would never call her). So she got pissed at me and so did her friends as two of them messaged me to bitch me out (including Mari who thinks I�m annoying to talk to). I never wanted her to feel like that but she did. My goal with Nicole is simply this: make her feel better about herself and her life while helping her through her last years of high school. That�s it. Nothing else. I have long ago accepted the fact that her and I will not be a couple. Do I still feel love for her? Yeah, I don�t know if it�ll go away but as of right now it hasn�t. But no matter what she does, I will always luv her with all my heart. Maybe that�s not a good thing. Maybe it just leaves me open to hurt. Maybe I�ll take a lot of criticism for it. But I really don�t care. I don�t abandon friends because I value them so much. She is one of the 10 or so people in my life right now that I want to keep in it while I grow older (remember, I�m not going to grow up without a fight). Now all you may question whether I really love her or I just think that I do. I honestly think that part of me does. I mean she makes me want to be a better person. Not a different person like with Julie, but a better person. I knew my faults and I tried to fix them up when I first knew her. I started working out, started dressing nicer, started waking up those five minutes earlier to comb my hair, I didn�t cuss around her until I found out that she did, I never poked fun at her and was generally just trying to be as charming as all 6 foot 200 pounds of me could be. Does my love for her make my judgment and advice to her cloudy? NO NO NO. No matter how I feel about her she is a friend first and I am a friend to her above all else. That�s what I�ve told her from day 1 (well since she found out I liked her at least). Do I want her to think of me as anything else but a friend who luvs her and tries to protect her all the time? No, I know that what I have with her is a lot harder to find than a girlfriend and I wouldn�t want to give it up for anything in the world. I value her friendship so much that it�s kind of ridiculous. The only friendships that mean more to me than hers are Jeremy & Hallie. Now the question is, why does Nicole like me as a friend? Why, after everything that I�ve done to her (although unintentionally) that has caused her pain and sleepless nights would she continue to talk to me and keep her so much apart of her life? Why has she gotten in arguments with her parents and defended me against them? I don�t know the whole truth but I think I know one of the reasons why. I think it�s because I can look past her faults (yes even angels, with halos held up by horns, have their faults) and all the comments that say that I should forget about her, and I just see her as a great person and genuinely like her and am there for her through thick and thin. No matter what she does with her life, no matter what mistakes she makes, no matter what guy she goes with, I will always be there for her. The sunrises, the sun falls and in between all that is me, as a constant in her life. And sometimes that�s all we need in life, all we need is a constant. One last thing to leave you with: you know how I say that her and I have a lot in common in also appears that her and I have the same want in life to. We both want someone who just likes us for who we are and not because of our bodies. Amen sister, amen. Final Totals Time: 3 weeks (August 3rd to August 24th) Pages: 37 (on Microsoft Word) Words: 25,283 words Adam Guestbook Sayings Page |