* * * * *
Another day, another crisis. The hospital is in such a tizzy over a new four-car 
pile-up. After attending to the victims, I made my way to Lauren's room to see 
how she's doing. 

She is definitely more upbeat today. Turns out she has already had a visit from 
Kaela…cutest little kid…and her charts look great. She'll probably be out of 
here in a day or two.

"So, seems like your daughter is the best medicine. Your charts look great." She 
smiles. For the first time, she doesn't seem as sad…her eyes look a bit 
brighter.

"Yeah, she is. Just being around her will bring me out of anything. I guess it's 
her energy." I can't tell what it is about her, but sometimes I feel like she is 
assessing me or something. Maybe it's just me. Liz still seems a bit off, and I 
can't shake it. Maybe I'm looking into everyone for some bizarre reaction, 
trying to read them since I can't seem to read Liz.

"Yeah, she certainly is a bundle of energy. Does she get that from you or her 
father?" Whoa. That really threw her off. Her response is quiet. "From me." 

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned a father. I take it you two aren't in 
contact?" She looks…sad?

"No, we haven't seen each other in…in a long time." She's not comfortable with 
this topic. Next topic.

"Well, it looks like a day or two here, tops. I'll want a check up after you 
leave, but I have a feeling it's going to be fine. I'm glad you are doing well." 
Good, she's smiling again.

"Thanks." Just then the door opens, and a young woman enters. "Lauren?" Lauren 
flashes her a smile. "Hey."

I watch these two women share a reunion. "God, I have been worried. I'm sorry I 
couldn't get here sooner, but Nathan has the chicken pox and I haven't been able 
to get anyone to look after him. I just saw Kaela, she's doing great. Asked me a 
million questions about Nathan. Those two are destined for each other, I tell 
ya!" 

I leave them to their reunion, glad that Lauren has a visitor. I've been worried 
about that. It didn't seem like anyone except for me and Liz has been in here to 
see her. I look down at my watch and realize I am going be late meeting Michael 
for lunch. I love having him back! Italian. Yeah, Italian sounds good.

* * * * *

Something is still up with Liz. Max said that she was really upset last night, 
smelling of smoke and calling someone in the middle of the night. He's worried 
and hopes that either Katie or I can get something from her. He hates not 
knowing what's wrong with her. 

I see her in the lounge. I'm meeting Katie here so we can go to lunch. "Hey, 
Liz…How are you?" She comes out of her…daze. "Oh, hey Michael. I'm okay. Lots of 
patients today from that accident. Kate will probably tell you all about it. How 
are you? How's Amy?" Liar. Looks like she's not going to say anything to me. And 
it bothers me. Usually she and I can communicate our problems fairly well with 
each other.

"I'm good. It's good to be home to Katie. Sometimes Roswell is a bit 
overwhelming, you know? And Amy is great. She and Jim are happy and she's happy 
for me. Sometimes I think of her as a kind of mom, you know?" 
"Yeah, Amy definitely has a soft spot for you. Always has." Yeah, right. I 
remember a certain newspaper beating I received one morning. But yeah, Amy has 
been good to me.

I'm tempted to give her a scan myself, but it's something that we have all 
agreed on. You don't use it unless you have to. It's a violation. All I have to 
do is touch her, and I can find anything I want from her. Anything. I guess Max 
and I are just going to have to wait and see what's going on with her. Maybe 
Katie knows something.

"How did Kaela's visit with her mom go?" What was that? That was definitely odd…

"Um, it went great. Just what the doctor ordered. She brightened her mom's day 
right up." Could she have popped that sentence out any faster? I don't know what 
that was about, but that question definitely threw her off. 

The door opens, and Liz's eyes do a little jump. "Hey, hon." Ah, Katie. 
"Well, I'll leave you two lovebirds alone and do the rounds. Talk to you both 
later." And Liz is out the door.

Katie notices her odd response as well. "What was that about?" 

"I don't know. Max says something is up with her. I thought you might know what 
it's about."

"No. But she's been acting weird since yesterday afternoon. Max doesn't know?" 
She thinks it's odd, too. Those two could write novels on each other, and now we 
are all in the dark about something. Maybe I'll try to talk to her later.

She grabs my hand. "Let's get out of here. I only have about an hour, and I'm 
thinking Stasio's…how does Italian sound?" Who cares? I just want to spend time 
with her.

"Great."

* * * * *

Thank you, thank you, thank you Kyle. I know that Michael and Kate are off to 
lunch, so I'll easily be able to get him in to see Maria. She's going to kill me 
for this, but I just couldn't keep it in anymore. I mean, I couldn't even sleep 
next to Max for two hours before I went stir crazy. So I called the only person 
I could call. Kyle. It was so simple. Who else could understand…who else would 
be the easiest person for Maria to see? She and Kyle had an easy-going 
relationship and he will definitely be the least harsh on her. He'll crack some 
jokes, make her feel safe, and maybe, just maybe knock some sense into her. Or 
maybe I am living in a dream world.

~~~

There he is! "Liz…I got here as soon as I could. How's she doing?" 
Relief. It's all I feel, relief. Finally, someone else is here that I can talk 
to about this. I take his arm and begin to lead him towards her room. "She's 
good. As long as she's around Kaela, she's good. From her charts, I think she'll 
be out of the hospital in a day or two. I'm thinking you can stay with her. 
Because I just get this feeling that she's going to run. I mean, we talked last 
night, but she's still afraid, Kyle. Part of the reason I haven't said anything 
to anyone else is I don't know if she can handle it. Mentally. She's fragile 
enough as it is, and it's just me." 

I wish I could have been strong enough for both of us to hold it in for less 
than twenty-four hours, but I couldn't. But I am worried about her…her state. 
Everything from the past is just back in her face. I don't think she really can 
face anyone else right now. Not yet. And that's why Kyle is the perfect choice. 
He can 'big brother' her…and I know she can use some friends…real friends.
"Got it, Liz. No 'Inquisition.' It's gonna be tough, but I can handle it. We'll 
'good-cop, good-cop' her until she caves and gets some sense back into her head. 
I even brought an alien-doll that Amy sent me last Christmas. Not sure if I'll 
use it, but maybe for Kaela. If it seems like it's going well. And I'm gonna 
just 'park it' at her place until she caves." I love Kyle. He can use the Amy 
angle. Possibly the only other angle that may work on Maria-her mother. And he 
will 'park it' at her place until she caves. When he's determined…well, good 
luck. He's a Valenti, through and through.

It's funny. Every time I get near her door, I just pause. Afraid of what I am 
going to see inside. Afraid I've just imagined it all. Afraid that she may not 
be there the next time I open the door. 

"Okay, Kyle. Here goes nothing. She's going to kill me. But remember…she's not 
the same…at all. Her eyes will tell you everything. They are just-lost. I hope 
we're doing the right thing." I hope, I hope, I hope.

Kyle hugs me, reassuring me that it's okay. "Yes, Liz we are doing the right 
thing. This is Maria. Our Maria. Not some Lauren-Barrett-person. Our Maria. And 
whether or not she knows it, she needs us. And we all need her. I got a niece to 
catch up on spoiling." 

Yeah, I love him. This is why I called him. This may be the key to getting rid 
of "Lauren" and getting a hold of Maria. I flash him a smile. A smile that says 
a million different things, most of all 'thank you.' 

"Now…she's fairly incapacitated in that bed, right?" Yep…love all around for 
Kyle. And so begins the point of no return.

* * * * *

It was good to see Jess, considering the only visitors I have had recently, 
aside from Peanut, have been Liz and his wife. Seeing Jess made me feel more 
like Lauren. Although, is that who I am anymore? It's amazing how a few short 
days can change everything…I mean, it happened once, so is it happening again? 
Jess is definitely my closest friend here. We met a few years ago when we were 
both called into the daycare center because our children had gotten into a paint 
fight together. We both walked in the room the same time, each greeted by a 
paint-covered, finger-pointing child, exclaiming, "He/She started it!" Safe to 
say, Nathan and Peanut were friends from the start. Jess is actually younger 
than I am, having Nathan just shy of nineteen. We're both single moms and the 
father is not in the picture. Granted, her boyfriend left her the second he 
found out she was pregnant. I didn't give mine the luxury. It was nice to have 
someone around my age who understood the difficulties. She doesn't have much 
family, either, so we have forged a friendship. Not to mention our children are 
inseparable. And so adorable together. 

At least I know I'll be out of here in a couple of days, max. Then I have some 
big time, rapid decisions to make. I know what's coming…who I am going to have 
to face…and I don't know if I want to. I mean, Alex was hospitalized after my 
death…how can I forgive myself for that, much less expect him to forgive me? And 
Max? And…I can't even say his name right now…He has a wife. He's moved on. I 
can't complicate that…I can't…see him…with her…I just can't. It's one thing to 
know he's alive, it's another to know that his heart is somewhere else. Not that 
I have never thought about it…but now it's real. He is married. And my mom…god, 
my mom. Part of me wants to crawl into her arms, and just cry while she strokes 
my head telling me I'm going to be okay. But will she forgive me? Will any of 
them forgive me? Liz…has she forgiven me? Or is she just waiting to tell 
everyone-

OH MY GOD! That is not Kyle Valenti with Liz. That is not Kyle staring at me. 
She is not doing this to me! She cannot do this to me…Liz-

"Look who's back from the dead!" Ouch, that hurt. Then his eyes twinkle and a 
smile spreads across his face. "Good to see you, Maria." 

I don't want to admit it, but it's good to see him again. There was always 
something about Kyle…goofy and comforting. He approaches the bed, grasping my 
hand into his. I don't even know what I am feeling right now…happiness at 
another familiar face…or fear, fear of what this means…fear of who else 
knows…fear of my life not being in my control anymore. Oh, God. What does this 
mean? Why is Kyle here? Why?!

"Hey, Kyle." I look at Liz, silently asking her 'Why did you do this to me?' 
Kyle notices, and both of our eyes are focused on Liz. 

She is uncomfortable. "I'm sorry, Maria." Lauren, dammit, Lauren! "I just 
couldn't hold it in anymore. I needed to talk to someone about this. I'm sorry." 
And she is sorry, I can tell. I guess I knew I wouldn't be getting out of 
this…but… I only saw her yesterday and today I'm looking at Kyle Valenti! I 
wonder who's next?!

"Any more surprises, Dr. Evans?" Yeah, that hurt. I wish I cared, but I'm upset! 
This. Is. My. Life. Mine.

She is taken aback from my comment, even Kyle looks at me, shocked. "No, Ms. 
Barrett, no more surprises." Touché. I guess I had that coming. "I have patients 
to attend to. I'll be back to check on you two later." And with that, she's out 
the door. 

And now Kyle is studying me like I am some specimen. I need to know why he's 
here. "Why are you here, Kyle?"

He's still holding onto my hand. "Well, around one a.m. last night I get a 
panicky call from Liz telling me you are alive and that she's losing it. And why 
are you here?" My reaction goes from concern for Liz to 'lame question, 
Valenti!' Actually, it's nice to know he's still Kyle. My step-brother, I guess. 
Funny. I'm sort of related to Kyle Valenti. 

"Well, Kyle, it's called a 'car accident.'" Wow…I haven't bantered with anyone 
in a while…a long while. I can't do this, though. I can't go into…Maria…mode. 

"Sorry about that, Kyle. My daughter and I were in a car accident three days 
ago."

"Yeah, Liz told me. So a daughter, huh? Liz says she's a chatterbox just like 
you." I have to laugh at that remark. I was a chatterbox. In a different life.

"Yes. She's quite the talker. Why are you here, Kyle?" I need to know the 
answer. Okay, I need to hear it for myself.

"To knock some sense into you. To figure out why you ever thought playing dead 
was actually a good idea. To get to know my niece. To give Amy back her 
daughter. You do remember Amy, don't you?" 

Once again, the tears start to flow. Mom. My mom. I can't…not now…not yet. 

"Kyle, I can't talk about her right now…please?" I look into his eyes, hoping 
he'll understand, hoping he'll see…that I just can't.

"Okay…we won't talk about that. But there are a few things we are going to talk 
about while I have you trapped in that bed." And he's flashing his trademark 

"Valenti" smile. It's a good smile, actually. "Liz told me about what happened. 
But I want to hear it from you. I need to hear it from you." My heart wrenches, 
again, and I'm looking out the window, again. Déjà vu. It's like last night with 
Liz. He's waiting for my response, his gaze intent.

"Kyle, I can't, okay?" Utter and complete disappointment wash over his face. I 
hate being a softie, I hate it. But I look into his eyes and tell him what I 
can. "Something tried to kill me. Nasedo saved me. Told me I was pregnant. But 
it's not like he completely healed me like Max healed you or Liz…I was still 
weak. And he takes me away, telling me he's telling you all I'm dead because it 
will be better for everyone. Safer for everyone. And the only thing I can think 
of is my baby. Michael's baby. And I listened to Nasedo's reasoning…and then I 
chose to stay dead. Kyle, I chose it. Because my baby, his baby, had to survive. 
And it made sense at the time. I can't explain why, Kyle. I can't. But…" God, 
this hurts too much… "But…I just…It's…It's what I did." There…that's all I can 
do for now. I'm trying to hold the tears back…tears that are so close to 
spilling over…Don't make me cry, Kyle. Please…

Somehow, he manages to have compassion in his eyes. He's interlocking his 
fingers in mine, "I don't understand Maria, I don't. But I wasn't in your 
shoes…I just don't understand why. Why you never came back? Why you didn't come 
back after a while, after the baby was born…after you knew Nasedo was dead…from 
the war…Why didn't you come back to us?" 

I grip his hand tightly, trying to relate to him, in that gesture, the conflict 
inside. The conflict that has always been inside of me for the last seven years. 

"I don't know…I don't know…That person is gone, Kyle…She's gone…" 
He quickly removes his hand from mine, upset at my last comment. "You don't 
believe that. You wouldn't have talked to Liz if you'd believed that. You 
wouldn't have asked about us if you'd believed that…You wouldn't be talking to 
me if you'd believed that…You're lying, Maria. You. Are. Lying." Damn him! Damn 
Liz! Damn them for bringing this all back! It's not fair! It's not fair. I 
sacrificed everything. Everything. Do they even know? Do they? That I left them 
all behind?! All they lost was me. Just me. I lost my love, my friends, my 
family, my home, my life. 

"Don't tell me what I am feeling, Kyle. Don't pretend to know me. You know 
nothing about me. Nothing. A lot has changed in the past seven years, a lot. I 
have a kid, Kyle. I have a daughter to protect and raise. She's my life and my 
priority. Do you understand? Do you have kids? No. So don't pretend to know 
what's going on in my head. This was an accident, Kyle. An accident-"

"Is that what you believe? Is it?! There's a reason you are here. A reason. Why 
else would your daughter's doctor be Liz? It's not coincidence, Maria, it's not. 
And don't pretend like you aren't Maria, because you seem to be holding your own 
in this conversation quite well. Just like you used to. Things may have changed, 
but you haven't. You may be lost, but you are not gone!" 

How do I respond to that? Part of me wants nothing more than to run…just take 
Kaela and run…but I couldn't be Lauren anymore, could I? That cat is out of the 
bag. And a small part of me wants desperately to be Maria. But that life…that 
life is different. Things have changed in that life…And will Maria be forgiven 
for what she did? For what I did? What if I'm not forgiven? I lied to 
everyone…and what if one of them, just one of them doesn't forgive me? I don't 
know if I can handle that. I don't even know if I can handle this.

"Kyle…nothing's the same-" 

His blue eyes cut me off, again. "No, it's not. It's not. I wasn't going to talk 
about her, Maria, but you need to hear this. Your mother needs you. Do you hear 
me?! She never believed that you were really dead. Not for the longest 
time…She's great, Maria, she really is…but don't you realize that a part of all 
of us died the day you did? You were our rock…" Our rock? Is he insane? I was 
never 'the rock.' No, Max…Max was 'the rock.' 

He continues, probably catching my disbelief. "Yes, our rock. You were the one 
who everyone would look to when all was said and done. You had the plans, you 
could talk Michael down, you were the one who really protected us all…and you 
took that away from us…You let Nasedo take that away…" It's the last sentence 
that has me reeling, "…You let Nasedo take that away…" I realize the two-edged 
sword that they will always see me on…I went along with Nasedo's plan…His 
plan…my choice…and, so far, they seem to be placing the primary blame on Nasedo. 
I guess I will never be able to do that…If it wasn't for him…my Peanut…I don't 
know if I would have had her…I don't know that everyone would have been safe…but 
they all are…

His eyes convey the feeling that he doesn't want to fight anymore, that he 
doesn't want to do this. I return the look. I don't want to do this either. And 
deep down, I know that Lauren Barrett was gone yesterday. The day my eyes opened 
in this hospital…the day feelings and people from the past rushed to the 
surface…the day my so-called-life fell apart. It's just…I don't know if I have 
the strength to be Maria again…There's so much I'm not ready for. Mom. Him. Max. 
Alex…my dear Alex. The Isabel 'tirade.' It's too much…too soon…and I'm not 
strong enough yet. I'm not. 

He keeps talking. God, we used to talk for hours…his humor. It's what I've 
missed the most about him. Kyle was just funny…there was no way around it. We 
used to exchange gagging faces at the idea of our parents together…trying to 
one-up each other. 

"So…disabled one…here's the plan…I'm staying with you…Gonna take care of you 
when you get out of this lovely hospital. Any questions…take it up with the 
blackmail committee. Your mother is a phone call away and I'll use it…I 
swear…I'll use it…" I think my eyes fell out of my head. He's staying with me? 
Excuse me? What?! 

I take back the funny part. Now he's just jerk-off Kyle. Stupid jerk-off, 
stalker Kyle. "No. No, Kyle, no." 

He replies back in my face, "Yes, Maria, yes. You've got this 'flee' look in 
your eyes…and I used to play football, if you do remember…call this a 'tackle' 
maneuver. I'm going to take care of you." 

I am not a child. "Was this your 'brilliant' idea or Liz's." Gonna kill her...

"Call it a 'group effort.' Now about Kaela…What's she like?" Oh, he's good. He's 
really good. And I'm too tired to get into anymore. So, once again, I'm just 
going to talk about my daughter and pretend, for that short time, that my life 
is not spinning out of my control.

* * * * *

At least yesterday passed by uneventfully. Saw Peanut, my doctor, Liz and Kyle. 
'Dr. Guerin' informed me that I was going to be released 
tomorrow/today…whatever. Then Liz and Kyle tag-teamed me again, informing me of 
how I was going to be taken care of once I got home. I really appreciated it. 

Really. I mean, I'm only twenty-seven years old and I have to be instructed as 
to what is going to happen in my life. But with Kyle threatening to call my 
mom…blackmailers…So…now I'm just awaiting Peanut and Jess's arrival so I can be 
released from this stupid hospital. 

Their plan: Jess takes me home because Kate knows Kyle and therefore he can't 
risk being seen. Then Liz joins us and Kyle parks it at my house indefinitely 
until I "cave" and just come back from the dead and make everything better. 
Yeah, the plan bites. The big one. So I have to explain to Peanut about her 

"Uncle" Kyle and why he is going to be sticking around. Man…how I am going to 
pull that one off and having her believe me…I just don't know. But…for now…I'm 
going to have to think of something because I am not ready to face my mother. I 
am not. I'm just waiting for the Michael threats to begin. Basically…I'm putty 
in their hands right now. 

* * * * *

Okay…Maria, Kaela, and Jess just left the hospital. Soon, Kyle will be arriving 
on her doorstep inserting his presence in her life. And he's going to stay there 
until we convince her of where she belongs. Because she belongs with us. She 
does. We all need her alive, need her back in our lives. I wish I knew how this 
is all going to play out, but I don't. I don't want to keep this from Max 
anymore. I don't want to keep this from Michael anymore. I don't want to keep 
this from *anyone* anymore. God, I feel bad for Kate…poor Kate. How's she going 
to react to this? How is everyone going to react to this? 

I'm still worried about Maria. If she's ready for this…but part of her is coming 
back…I just know it. She's not fighting us as hard as I thought she would be. I 
mean, she's not happy about this. She is pissed at Kyle and I, but…it seems like 
she's not fighting this like I expected her to be. Leave it to Kyle to 
completely threaten her with a phone call to Amy. It's like we are in control of 
her right now…and we kind of are…

So I just have to finish my shift this day, then I am heading over to Maria's to 
make sure things are going smoothly…or as smoothly as they could be at this 
point. Ever since Kyle arrived, though, I feel better. I don't think people are 
as worried about me as they were two days ago. I can tell that Max is less 
worried then he was that night…and Kate…well she knows something is a bit off, 
still, but she's not asking anymore questions. I hope Michael won't be asking 
any questions…I hate how he can pick up on things with me so well…At least I can 
take comfort in the fact that I'm not seeing him today, so all will be well. 

* * * * *

Max is still a bit worried about Liz, but he says she was much better yesterday. 
I just can't shake this feeling of…I don't know what, exactly…but I really want 
to talk to her. To find out what was bothering her. So I'm at the hospital, 
hoping to catch her after she's done today and figure out what was going on with 
her. It's because she's usually pretty forthcoming about what bothers her, but 
not this time…

Okay…I see her, but it's like she's in another world. She just talked to 
someone, and now she seems like she is on a mission. Why I am following her, I 
don't know…but I feel some crazy need to know what's going on in her head. Maybe 
it's for Max…I don't know. I just don't like him in that state when he can't 
figure out what's going on in Liz's head. 

Now I've sunk to an all-time low. I'm following her. She's heading out of town, 
out to the suburbs…nowhere familiar, as far as I can tell. We're about fifteen 
miles outside of the city, in a residential area, and she's just pulled up to a 
white house with green trim and a white fence enclosing the yard. It doesn't 
seem like she's been here before. I've never heard her mention knowing anyone 
from this area. So she's gone into to the house…what's this about? I can't 
believe I am going to wait and see….

* * * * *

So far, so good. Maria seems fairly receptive to me staying here…okay…in between 
'death' glares…She's still quick on her feet. I just showed up and she had a 
story all ready for her 'Peanut.' Long-lost cousin who's looking up family. 

Maria acted like we were close way back when…which was true…and 'offered' her 
place for me to stay at. Talk about an adorable kid. She looked me up and down, 
then back to Maria, before finally speaking to me.

"So, you gonna be staying with us?" It was like she was studying me, trying to 
figure something out.

"Yeah, for a little while." Maria's look acknowledged that it was okay. Then 
'Peanut' thinks about it, pursing her lips to one side before responding, again, 

"Okay, but I'm gonna need a story every night," and flashing a mischievous 
smile. I realized I was going to like being "Uncle Kyle." 

So after Jess and her son Nathan left…Kaela's sun-moon-and-stars…Maria and I did 
some nice, 'fake,' catching up for Kaela's sake. It was hard for me to not let 
the name "Maria" escape from my lips. But I did it. I was good. And Kaela was 
quite the little inquisitor, asking tons and tons of questions. Talk about a 
Maria-clone if I've ever seen one. Well, except for the eyes…Michael's. That 
must be hard for her…to look into his eyes every day.

I like her house. It's very comfortable-very Maria. Not eclectic like you would 
expect Maria's house to look, but it's warm and cozy…just like you would expect. 
Kaela's room is just amazing…with silver stars painted on her ceiling…I figure 
that Maria just couldn't deny who she was. And books were everywhere…everywhere. 
This kid could open a library if she wanted to…I'm afraid of how much reading is 
going to be expected of me…

Oh. The doorbell. Be Liz. Be Liz. Aahh, the plan is in motion. Liz has just 
arrived, and now it's time to slowly tag-team this out so that we get Maria 
back.

* * * * *

'Stalker' here. I've been sitting here for over an hour, waiting for Liz to come 
out of that house. I can't believe I am doing this. What the hell am I thinking? 
What would Katie or Max think? I feel like a teenager again, waiting for Valenti 
to leave his office or something…God…okay, I'm leaving. This is Liz' life-

What the hell?! Kyle Valenti?! I didn't know he was in town-Whoa! That's the 
little girl from the hospital…What's she doing with Liz and Kyle? I just thought 
she was some patient of Katie's daughter…And she's holding Kyle's hand and 
giving Liz a hug good-bye? Okay, I'm confused. Really confused…Is that who Liz 
was talking to that night? Kyle? And what would she be calling Kyle for? This is 
not making any sense---

I. Am. Not. Seeing. Her. Can't…breathe. Can't. Breathe. Because I am not seeing 
what I am seeing. It's not real…It's like tunnel-vision…Mar…Maria? No.
My body is physically frozen, and my breaths are labored. I am practically 
gasping for air, a panic attack settling in. The last time I felt like this was 
seven years ago…SEVEN YEARS AGO…when she was dead. This doesn't…I don't 
get…No…This isn't happening…What…What the hell is going on?! 

Everything…everything about her…about my body…knows what I am looking at. But 
it's not possible…It can't…It's just…a figment...of my imagination. Because if 
this was real…Then I'd be staring at a very alive and well…Maria. My Maria. And 
that's not possible because…because she's dead. Maria's dead. She died seven 
years ago. She died. 

Oh god, who am I looking at? Maria? With Liz and Kyle and that little girl from 
the hospital…Kaela…is that her name…No, I'm not…It can't…I can't-

~~~

Time froze for a while. I froze for a while, watching this scene out on a front 
lawn unfold, in complete and utter disbelief. In shock. In a frozen shock. I 
watched as Kaela…I'm pretty sure that's her name…gave Liz a hug while holding 
Kyle's hand. I watched as Kyle and Liz hugged. I watched as Maria and Liz had a 
solemn talk before saying goodbye. I watched Maria talk to Kaela, then to Kyle. 

I watched a huge grin spread across the face of that adorable little girl and 
then she 'bounced' her way into a car with Kyle, and they left. I watched Maria 
go back into the house.

Maria. Older. Longer hair. Still beautiful. Maria.

And I just stood here…taking in what I saw…taking in the fact that I saw Maria. 
Maria DeLuca. My Maria DeLuca. Alive and well. With a daughter…
And then the realizations hit me like dominoes falling in line.

The flash I got from Kaela at the hospital. It was Maria. Because I was holding 
the hand of Maria's daughter.

Liz's behavior. Liz choking on her coffee as I entered the room with Kaela-
OH MY GOD. With my daughter. 

Who Liz was talking to on the phone that night. Why Kyle is here. Why she hasn't 
said anything to Max. To Katie. To me.

Then the anger set in. 

Nasedo. That son of a bitch. 

Maria. Maria-who has remained 'dead' with my daughter for the past seven years. 

Four of those years…I was dead. Dead. Because she was gone…my life was gone…and 
I was still alive. And she wasn't. Visiting Amy…Oh, god, Amy…twice a year 
because of the guilt that I feel…felt for killing her daughter. Because it was 
my fault that she was dead. Because she was with me. Because I didn't protect 
her. 

Liz…Liz for knowing…knowing that Maria was alive. That I have a daughter. 

Because…because she has to be my daughter…And Liz not telling any of us…except 
for Kyle…the perfect choice. The only one who wouldn't tell the rest of us. For 
not telling me that she was alive.

Maria.

~~~

And now I find myself crossing the street, heading towards that house. To her. 
To Maria. Because I have to know…if she's Maria. If Maria is alive and well and 
in that house. And why she's been dead for the past seven years. How she could 
let us think she was dead for the past seven years. I think I'm going to kill 
her.

It's taking me every ounce of strength to ring this doorbell…to see what's 
behind this door.

It's now or never.

* * * * *

Every ounce of my body is trembling. I so desperately want to cry, but I'm 
tapped out of tears. I'm tapped out of emotion. I'm tapped out…of me. Lauren 
Barrett is gone and Maria DeLuca is holding on by…by a thread. I'm not even sure 
if this is real…except…except that I can still taste his lips. I'm spinning out 
of control and the only thing I can see is Him. Us fighting. The slam of a door. 

It just spins in my head, round and round. Hell, I don't even know how I have 
coherent thoughts right now…Probably because they have come at me so fast, over 
and over again, that they are burned into my mind…and are finally making sense 
to me…

~~~

It wasn't Jess at the door. It was Michael. My body just…paused…or completely 
shut down all function…and I don't think I took in a breath for a long while. I 
was transfixed and hypnotized on what was standing in front of me…who was 
standing in front of me. Because it couldn't be real…it couldn't be Michael… A 
deep conflict tore through me…the part that screamed "NO!!" because I wasn't 
ready for this…and the part deep down inside, the part that has longed for him 
since the day I left. I don't know what was going through my mind…What is…? Why 
is…? How did…? Liz?! It was him. Just standing there…with a look in his eyes 
that I couldn't read. Anger? Hurt? I don't know. And just as I realized he was 
heading towards me, I started to take steps back. No. No. No. Then his hands 
were clutching my face, his lips on mine. Before I had time to register what was 
happening, that he was touching me again, he pulled back and muttered, "Sorry," 
while I tried to find what little breath I still had inside of me. And then we 
were there, just looking at each other.

***

My knuckles are bone white. I don't even know how long I have been clutching 
this steering wheel, in no shape to drive…In no shape to…think…I don't even 
think the shock of her death compares to this…this disorientation? Is that what 
this is? My entire foundation for existence has come to a crashing halt…like the 
aftershocks of an earthquake…and it's all falling apart in my head. Happening 
over and over again. And only one thing sticks…the words uttered by a sobbing 
Maria, causing my foundation to fall apart.

"Michael, just…walk away…Forget that you ever saw me…Forget…Just forget…"

~~~
It's like I knew what to expect when that door opened, but I was still in shock 
when…Maria…there she was, her green eyes, frozen with…fear…locked with mine. 
Waves of emotion and thought rippled through me, but only one stuck. Touch her. 
To make sure she was real. That she was alive. That she was Maria. And I did it 
the only way I knew how…I grabbed her face, feeling her electricity, feeling 
her...and instinct brought my lips onto hers. Oh, God, what are you doing?! Then 
I pulled away, apologized, and just took her presence in. Her hand covering her 
lips…just like I was doing. And it was real. Maria was flesh and bone and in 
front of me.

***

It felt like years, standing there just staring at each other. His kiss still 
fresh on my lips. That spark I felt whenever we were together. Something deep 
inside of me was stirring. His hair was short…but…he still looked like Michael. 
Rugged, tortured, and utterly gorgeous. I had to stop myself from lusting after 
him…because it would be too easy…and it wouldn't last. Because like every other 
person I've encountered recently…I had questions to answer. A tidal wave of 
panic so fierce threatened to overwhelm what pathetic grip I had on 
myself…knowing this wasn't going to be easy. That the next moments were going to 
be the worst in my entire life. I had to answer to him. To Michael. 

I'm not strong enough…to do this…not with him, not now. I had to break the 
silence. "How did…What are you…doing here? Liz said she wasn't…" I'm not sure if 
I was crying or not, but I'm certain that the onset of hyperventilation had 
begun. Things were spinning… 

His demeanor changed in a flash. His hand dropped to his side…his eyes…got that 
look he used to get when he was upset about something. Like a slow simmer 
heading to a boil. He did his infamous open-mouth-don't-say-anything maneuver 
that I used to find so endearing…but it frightened me to my core. And it 
occurred to me that no matter how hard I thought it was to see them, Liz and 
Kyle let me off easy-but he won't. And so I braced myself for whatever blow he 
was about to deal. I am not ready for this…I am not ready for this…

***

So much was whirling around in my head…especially the taste of her…although the 
electricity wasn't quite the same. Like she wasn't the same. Then came the sound 
of her voice. Her voice. Something I hadn't heard in seven years…except in my 
dreams…and it was asking me the stupidest question I have ever heard…

"Liz didn't tell my anything." She looked confused, but my mind was one-track. 
What am I doing here?! What am I doing here?! She had a lot of nerve asking me 
what I was doing there. For a brief moment it occurred to me that she didn't 
look as tough as she used to, but it was dismissed just as quickly because I had 
questions…and she was going to answer them. I felt my anger slowly start to rise 
to the surface.

"What am I doing here? What am I doing here?!" F***ing priceless. "I think the 
better question, Maria, is what are you doing here?!"

I could see the tears welling in her eyes as they were stung by my words. As if 
I cared. She lied to me. Lied to us. She took a step back, away from me, and 
eyed the still-open door behind me. She looked like a rat trapped in a cage. So 
I shut the door, never taking my eyes off of her. She jumped a bit when the door 
closed, then looked away from me. And I was pissed off. Pissed off. I wanted 
answers. Answers to why she left all of us empty inside for years. Why she left 
me empty inside… 

"Maria." She finally returned my gaze, then took in a deep breath.

***

I was always powerless to my name coming off his lips. Like the way he said my 
name just…affected me…and I was trying so hard to not break down in tears…not in 
front of him…And when I saw the door, my way out, he just closed it on me. I was 
going to have to have this conversation…and I knew that no matter what I said…it 
wouldn't be right. It wouldn't be enough. 

And what if…if he never forgives me for this?

And then I was looking into his eyes again…the same eyes I see whenever I look 
at my baby…and I knew I had to get my story out in the open…for Michael. And I 
was so torn because part of me was screaming NO!!!! at the top its lungs, and 
the other part…the other part was the twenty-year old girl insanely in love with 
the man in front of her…

I was going to lay myself out open to Michael.

"I don't remember much about what happened…but I remember hearing a loud noise, 
then there was heat, and then the ground. When I came to, Nasedo was over me, 
healing me. But I was still weak and in shock." I was looking intently at him, 
trying to gauge his response to the mention of 'Nasedo,' but he just clenched 
his jaw in that way…I guess I had confirmed it for him. He had already figured 
it out. About Nasedo helping me. 

I paused again, too terrified of what to say next. Peanut…God, what do I say to 
him…how do I say it to him…he's going hate me….hate me for this….Family was the 
one thing he ever really wanted and-

I was jolted out of my mental ramblings.

"Why didn't you tell me that you were pregnant?"

***

Nasedo. Of course. I wasn't quite sure how he fit in-but then it just made 
sense. His absences for a week here and there. Maria. He was going to her. Her 
pause was driving me crazy. I could feel the wheels in her head spinning, trying 
to figure out how to explain that I had a kid. I just needed to know if she knew 
she was pregnant…if she knew and didn't tell me…So before I could even think, I 
just blurted my question out to her.

She looked like a deer caught in the headlights, her green eyes wide with 
shock…as though I had invaded a private thought…unshed tears brimming in her 
eyes. "You know?" It was almost like a whisper, fear laced in that sentence. 
Then she became defensive. "I thought you said Liz didn't tell you anything." 

"I saw her, Maria. At the hospital. Kaela, right? Her age…she's six, right? And 
I saw of flash of you when I held her hand." 

Her look faded into wonder, and the tears fell from her eyes. She closed them, 
placing her head into her hands and sobbed. She quickly wiped her tears away, 
but the only thing I could feel coming off of her was hurt. Just plain hurt.

"You saw her? You held her hand?" The tone in her voice was…touched.
And that's when I felt it. My daughter. She wasn't angry or upset, but touched 
by what I had just said. And it hit me like a ton of bricks--that adorable, 
beautiful, rambling chatterbox at the hospital…was mine. 

And the anger was back. 

"Yes. I saw her. She was trying to get a nurse to take her to see Liz, and I was 
on my way, so I walked her there. And that's when I got a brief flash of you. 

You should have seen Liz's face when I walked in with her." It was a cold, 
bitter response. Because she had kept her from me.
And I wanted to know why. 

***

"Did you know you were pregnant? Answer the question, Maria." I was so stunned 
by his question, that I just paused, so he repeated it. He was pissed off. I 
didn't need to hear it in the tone of his voice. Everything about him, just 
vibrated anger. God, does he think I would have kept that from him? Does he 
honestly think I wouldn't have told him if I was pregnant?!

"When Nasedo was done healing me, he said, 'You're going to be fine, Maria. The 
baby made it.' And that's when I found out…that I was pregnant. You think I 
wouldn't have told you if I had known?" I wasn't able to hold the tears back any 
more. "God, Michael…keeping something like that from you…"

"You've done a great job so far." The bitterness in his voice, in that comment, 
was a dagger to my heart. Wounded, I continued. 

"I was still weak after he healed me. And the only thought in my mind was the 
baby. Your baby. And Nasedo was saying things…and they made sense…I just had to 
protect your baby…and the baby was the only thing I could think of…He was going 
to tell you I was dead, anyways. He took me to some house…and I wasn't strong 
enough…and I had to protect the baby…and you…and everyone…so I…died."

That was my best defense, and I said it all without conviction. What seemed 
right at the time…but coming out of my mouth, just sounded so weak. In my 
'nobler' moments, I had convinced myself that what I had done was for the best. 
That sacrificing myself was the best for all of us. In the darker moments, my 
shame took over. My shame of running away at the first sign of trouble…real 
trouble. Shame over my overwhelming fear and the fact that I let Nasedo just 
take me away. Because I was safe and pregnant with Michael's child. No matter 
what I told myself-that I had done it all for her, for him, for all of them-I 
could never escape my secret doubt. 

I searched his eyes for…anything. They were…indifferent. "You just…died…to 
protect us all?" He huffed, shaking his head, and continued. "That's…The. Most. 
Selfish, inconsiderate thing I have ever heard. You killed us all, Maria, in 
some way, shape or form. Blaming ourselves for your death." Tears were starting 
to form in his eyes. Don't you think I know that…that I haven't felt it every 
day of my life? And I was still wounded…no matter how many times I had played 
this dialogue over in my head…I could never get Michael's reaction right. 

Predicting him was always useless. But this…I had never quite imagined it like 
this…stoic Michael. Angry, loud, throwing things Michael, yes…but not ice-cold 
Michael.

And that threw me. So I spout my response out. 

"What do you want me to say, Michael? No matter what I say…it doesn't change 
anything…you could never understand what I was feeling at the time. Never!" I 
was beginning to unravel.

His expression changed again, and it scared me.

***

Oh yes I can. I could just touch you right now, and I'd know…but would it 
justify anything? Could it justify what you did to me…to all of us. 

"Did you even think about what this would do to anyone?! Did you?! Your mom? 
Liz? Max? Alex? Isabel? Kyle? Tess? ME? Did you even think…at all?! Did you 
think about how your mom wouldn't accept your death? Couldn't accept your death? 
Did you think about how Liz was supposed to go on without your friendship? 
Without you? Did you think about how Alex would hold up after his breakdown? Did 
you think about how Max would blame himself for not protecting you…us? Did you 
think about how Isabel was supposed to go on without her "sister"? Tess and 
Kyle? Did you think they wouldn't care? And did you think about me? About how I 
failed to protect you? About how I was supposed to go on living when everything 
inside of me was dead? Was lost? Because you weren't a part of it? Because the 
other part of me was dead?!" I had completely lost it, my voice booming through 
the small home.

She was sobbing, head in her hands. And I couldn't stop myself. I couldn't. How 
can you explain what it feels like to have someone that you loved…loved with 
everything that you were…die? Die because of who you were? And that death 
ripping you apart, infecting everything until you are a shell of the person you 
once were? A walking zombie for four years…And then finding out that they're 
alive…and have lied this entire time? Damn her!!

She ran her fingers through her hair, grabbing the ends like a lifeline. She 
looked…beaten. That's when the realization started to hit me…that she wasn't the 
same person I knew. The person I knew would not be this…passive. The person I 
knew would be screaming her answers out to me at the top of her lungs, not 
crying her heart out. I almost felt her conflict…almost…but the anger was too 
strong…too intense. I was too betrayed. 

Through tears, she responded. "I made a decision, Michael. A decision I thought 
was right at the time. And I've lived with it ever since. What do you want me to 
say?" Her head was back in her hand, sobbing.

I felt the tears in my eyes start to spill over. And I couldn't let that 
happen…for some reason, I couldn't let that happen. "What do I want you to say? 
You let me think you were dead. You left, pregnant with my child…and for all 
these years…What do you think I want you to say, Maria?" God…my daughter…my 
daughter that she kept from me…

She stopped crying, but kept her head in her hand, eyes closed, just breathing. 
She finally looked at me, the hurt and defeat plain in her eyes. "I just wanted 
everyone to be safe." It came out in a whisper. 

Safe? Safe? There is no safe. There has never been a 'safe.' And I don't just 
mean in the 'alien' sense…I mean that life is not safe…She had no clue as to how 
important she was to all of us…

"Safe? Safe? We looked to you the same way we looked to Max. You were also the 
rational person who got us out of things…and you took that away from us…and left 
each of us destroyed…in some way…I turned to Nasedo for Christ's sake! Nasedo! 
The man without the emotions…the man who knew all along that you were alive and 
well. He was my solace, Maria. Because he abhorred emotion…and I was just able 
to destroy things…I didn't have to feel around him…because I wasn't 'human' 
anymore. Because you were dead. That's what you did to me."

She did that to me. She did it! She let me fall into some abyss that I didn't 
recover from for years. She did it to me in the name of…protection? Because of 
some Nasedo logic? Because of the baby? Maria was never weak. Never. Why else 
would I have ever gone to her in my time of need all those years ago…No…She was 
the strength in my life. Not me…her. And she just walked away from it all…Walked 
away from me. I just can't understand. 

***

With each word, I began to unravel more and more. 'The truth hurts.' Yes, 
dammit, it does!! And he knows how to hurt me…better than anyone else…he knows 
how to hurt me.

I could see the tears in his eyes. His eyes never lied. They still don't lie. He 
was hurt, angry, devastated, confused…all of them. And I did it to him. The one 
person who loved him more than anything…hurt him worse than he's ever been hurt. 
What abuse he suffered at the hands of Hank was nothing compared to what I did 
to him in a single night. And seven years worth of nights. And it was tearing me 
apart. Because I destroyed him…the love of my life…I destroyed him. I knew how 
he'd react…I knew…and yet, hearing it from him…it's like…I couldn't face it. 

And I learned, again, my place in our group. A place I never knew I had…and my 
heart was breaking…I was breaking. He only thing that kept me hanging on was 
Peanut…because she was all I had…she was…Maria. The little firecracker that 
could… I couldn't lose it. I couldn't…I was so close to just shutting down…but I 
had to hold on for her.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry! Don't you get that?! But I can't undo it. I can't change 
the past. This wasn't supposed to happen…" 

It wasn't supposed to happen. I was never supposed to see Liz again. I was never 
supposed to see Kyle again. I was never supposed to see Michael again. I was 
never supposed to see anyone again. My burden. For Life. And in one moment, one 
stupid moment, my life hurled out of control. And it was still out of control. I 
didn't have it in me to regain control-

"It wasn't supposed to happen?! OH, I get it…you weren't supposed to be caught, 
right?! You and my daughter were supposed to just go on living your cozy little 
lives while the rest of us still felt the anguish and guilt over your death?! 
Right?!" 

Every word coming out of his mouth was tearing me apart. His anger was at its 
boiling point…any time his hands moved along with his rants…he was at his 
boiling point. And Michael was…well…animated. And each word struck me harder and 
harder, breaking what little composure I had. It just hurt. I just hurt. And 
then he started to walk down the hall, looking into the rooms. Oh, God. It hit 
me. And then he turned into her room. And like a moth to a flame…I followed him. 
Each step, breaking me. Because this was nothing that I wanted to see.

***

The need rushed over me so fast. Her space…I had to see her space. And I found 
it…her room. The room where my daughter slept. The room where my daughter 
played. The room that made her safe. Books and toys were everywhere. A mobile of 
stars hung from a ceiling painted with stars…And I let the tears of anger and 
loss fall. Fall for me. Fall for Maria. Fall for everything I lost seven years 
ago. For a decision that I had no say in. 

I heard her at the door, sobbing. I couldn't turn around to face her…not with 
tears in my eyes. Not with this much anger floating under the surface of my 
skin. Part of me was so incensed that I wanted to hurt her. And I thought of 
Amy…who had a granddaughter she would adore. And I thought of me. Of what things 
I had been deprived of in her life. First words. First steps. First…everything. 
I knew nothing about her and-

"Michael, just…walk away…Forget that you ever saw me…Forget…Just forget…"
Everything just stopped, then crumbled around me. Just forget? Just walk away? 
From her? From my daughter? Forget Maria? If that was possible…It still eats me 
inside…my nightmares of that night…Amy…How could I possibly forget her? I walked 
away from her once and those few months of separation were agonizing. And Kaela? 
Just walk away from my daughter? My daughter who I didn't know? How was I ever 
supposed to just forget that this happened. How was I supposed to live with 
myself and just walk away…like she did? And she was asking me to do this! Maria 
was asking me to do this. I was livid.

So tears in my eyes, I turned to face her. "I did that once, Maria. I'll be 
damned if I'll do it again. You have no right to ask that of me! No right! I 
have a daughter that I know nothing about…and you want me to walk away and just 
forget? I visit your mom twice a year because I can't forget. I don't even know 
you anymore."

***

He was emotionless. And he only got that way when he was at the breaking point. 
And he didn't understand…He had a life…a wife…I couldn't see that. I couldn't 
see him with her. I mean, I wanted him to move on…but knowing that he 
had…knowing was a different feeling. I was jealous of her…a doctor…and I had no 
right to be jealous. And I couldn't just have Michael in my life part-time. 
Michael. Ever since I saw him, all the feelings I have for him started to rise 
to the surface. And all of this was bad. There was no hugging, and crying. No 
comfort, no solace. This was Michael. And he wasn't going to forgive me. He 
wasn't going to forgive me.

"Just leave. Please. Just leave." Looking into her room, I realized I couldn't 
be in this state when Peanut came home. I felt so close to just slipping away, 
and I couldn't. I had to hold on just a bit longer…until he left…until I could 
collect my thoughts and pretend to be normal for her. Pretend that everything 
was okay. I was good at that…it's been six years in the making.

"I'm not going anywhere." His resolve was firm. I had to make him go away. "You 
can't-"

"Michael…I can't be like this when she gets home. I can't…let her see me like 
this…She's never seen me like this. Please…just leave." My body was wrecked with 
emotion. I could just feel it all coming apart. If I could just hold on a bit 
longer…I wouldn't fall apart. Please…I silently begged him with my eyes…Please 
go away.

***

Something about her made me pause. She was shaking, the tears just falling from 
her eyes. And her eyes…begging me to leave. And my thoughts drifted to Kaela…and 
she didn't need to see Maria this way. She looked like an emotional train wreck. 
So I decided to leave…none of this was over…not by a long shot. But I would 
leave, for now. For my daughter. And I'd be back. Oh, I'd be back.

"Fine. But this is far from over, Maria. This is far from over." She let out a 
huge sigh of relief and started to wipe the tears away from her eyes. And then 
she just nodded. 

***

Thank god. He was going to leave. A huge relief swept over me. I would have some 
time to regain my composure. To put on my "Lauren" face for Kaela. His presence 
was more than I could take…and fighting with him…I hated fighting with him.
He paused as he grabbed the doorknob to leave, looking at me with cold eyes. And 
his words just tore my heart apart.

"I'm never going to forgive you for this."
And then the door slammed, and he was gone.

~~~

As the words continue to pound in my head, I sink further into the abyss of the 
couch. My baby, my lifeline to him…she's not sacred anymore. He knows…he 
knows…and he wants to be in her life. And I need her so much…so much. She was 
all I had of the past…and now… I just need to curl up in a ball, to shield 
what's left of me. 

I can feel it taking me over-my world beginning to crumble, my self finally 
crumbling away at the words that have been unrelentingly bubbling under my 
surface ever since He appeared at my doorstep. "No, no, no, no, no, no-" Oh, 
god…I'm drowning. I can't take it anymore--

***

Okay. I'm okay. I can drive. I can drive. This fog has cleared, and I know 
exactly where I am going because there are more questions to answer. 
Liz.

* * * * *

I feel so much better knowing that she's home. That Kyle is with her. I hope 
he's knocking sense into her as we speak, because I can't take this much more. 
Keeping this from Max…I don't want to do it anymore. But…I will…for now. Until 
she's ready. She's too fragile right now to deal with anyone else. 

I look over at Max who's finishing up our dinner dishes. My Max. If I ever lost 
him…I can't even think about it. I won't think about it. But I have other things 
on my mind. Children. Seeing Maria and Kaela…it's time. It's time for us to 
seriously talk about having kids. And when he sees Kaela, he'll understand. 
He'll understand that there's no risk. That it's okay. I love him so much. I 
smile at his back, and walk over to him, encircling his waist with my hands. 
Taking in his scent.

"I love you." He stops washing the dishes, turning to face me. AAHH!! Wet hands! 
Wet hands-Mmm…I love kissing him. And we're on the same page. It's time to spend 
a little time with my husband-
Damn door! Ignore it, Max. Ignore it.

Nope. And so I follow to see who's interrupting our tryst. "Hey, Michael. 
Michael…what's wrong?" I look over at the door. He knows. Oh. My. God. He knows. 
Everything in his piercing eyes, the accusatory look he's giving me, tells me he 
knows.

"Why don't you ask your wife, Max?" He's pushing past Max as Max closes the 
door. And Max is just looking at me quizzically. And I feel fear and panic 
rising in me. How does he know? How did he find out? Maria…

"What are you talking about, Michael?" I look over at Michael and realize it's 
out in the open. There are no more secrets. Hell is about to break loose. And 
before I can even respond, Michael deals the blow.

"Maria's alive and well, Maxwell. And she has a kid. My kid. And Liz has known." 
And I'm facing two men, both staring at me, hurt and betrayed. It's my turn to 
answer the questions.

So this is what it feels like to be Maria.

~~~

All hell broke loose tonight. Michael was not doing well after his encounter 
with Maria. He was really rattled, and ranted and raved for a while. Max was 
trying to console him, all the while giving me looks here and there indicating 
the hurt in his eyes from my deception, that I told Kyle instead of him. Then 
Michael laid into me about knowing and not telling him anything. Max tried to 
defend me, but it was useless. 

"It wasn't my secret to tell! Look, the reason Kyle's here is to snap her out of 
it…so we can tell everyone. But she's fragile right now…she can't handle it." I 
was pissed off that Michael followed me. Maria was so fragile…I just wanted to 
know how she was doing, but walking out on that argument would have done no 
good. So I stayed, listening to Michael's frustrations. Since Michael needed the 
comforting, the sounding board, I resigned myself to Public Enemy #2.

More yelling took place, then Michael left. And I'm now outside, smoking my 
cigarette, wondering why Maria or Kyle isn't picking up the phone. I'm trying to 
convince myself that everything is okay, but by the looks of my cigarette 
butts…I'm not so sure. I mean, I held this secret for less than a day, and it 
was wrenching my insides, affecting me. She's held it in for so long…I just hope 
she's okay. Max is cooling off in the den, working on something. He's still hurt 
that I didn't say anything to him, but I think he's just trying to process the 
fact that Maria is alive. And this is news that definitely requires some 
"space." And Michael…Michael is home, telling Kate about Maria. It didn't even 
dawn on him until he was here, pacing and fuming, that Kate needed to know. I 
don't even think Kate was in his head for the past hour or so. I feel so bad for 
him…for not telling him…for everything. For what this is going to do to his 
life.

Max is coming outside…it's probably time for us to talk about this. His look is 
altogether puzzling as he hands me the phone.

"Liz, phone. It's Kyle. I don't think he sounds good."

Oh my god. Maria.

* * * * *

It's official. I'm in love with this kid. She's mesmerizing. And her energy 
level…definitely Maria's kid. Which is funny considering how reserved she is 
these days. Just the brief time I've spent with her tells me all I need to know. 
She's lived a lie for so long, she's almost a part of it. Almost. There's still 
a spark in her eyes when Kaela's around…and that leads me to believe that 
there's hope for her. She doesn't need this life of hers. This empty life. With 
few friends, and no one to really talk to about what's tormenting her. Who would 
understand? She needs her family…she needs us.

Kaela and I had a great time, getting some ice cream. Then we went to story hour 
at this bookstore across the way from the ice cream shop. She's in love with 
books. You can just tell. After story hour, she dragged me to the children's 
section, and she just ran her fingers along the books in admiration. And I'm 
such a sucker…between her twinkling eyes and cute grin…I bought her two books.
I hope this time away was good for Maria. Liz and I could just tell that she 
needed some alone time, in her own home. So I offered to take Kaela out for a 
little while. Maria was skeptical, at first, and then agreed after talking to 
Kaela. And I was afraid it was going to be awkward with Kaela…but no. She just 
talked about school and Nathan. I think she's in love with the little boy. He's 
her 'bestest friend ever.'

"Lauren? We're home." The house is very quiet. Maria is sitting on the couch, 
arms clutching her knees, looking at the ground. Something seems very off…she's 
not responding to us. Kaela…

"Kaela…why don't you put your books in your room and I can talk to your mom real 
quick." Kaela looks at Maria, then at me, and trudges her way down the hall.

And I take a real close look at Maria. Her chin is resting between her knees, 
and she's staring into space. "Maria? Maria?" Oh my god. The look on her face 
is…blank…she's not responding to my calling her, she's not responding to my 
shaking her. What the hell happened here? I take a quick survey, and nothing 
looks out of place. What happened to Maria? Oh my God. Liz. Got to call Liz.

* * * * *
I should have known something was wrong when I came home. Michael wasn't home, 
and I didn't know where he was. Usually, that's no big deal, especially if he's 
working on something. He'll get in these one-track modes with his art and will 
be lost in them for a while. But that wasn't the case tonight. I wanted to talk 
to him about a new job prospect for me. An internship in Seattle with a doctor I 
had admired for years. Neither of us had ever been to the Pacific Northwest, and 
for some reason, it felt like a good idea. 

But the moment he walked into the door…I knew something was wrong. Terribly 
wrong. He just looked…defeated. Concerned, I asked him what was wrong. He just 
gave me a strange look, closed his eyes, and looked at me again. And I felt 
worry start to settle in the pit of my stomach. I know that look. I know it. The 
last time I saw that look is when he told me the truth about himself. This was 
not going to be good.

"Katie…we need to talk. There's something I need to tell you."

And so began the breakdown of concerned, understanding wife…into scared, jealous 
wife.

~~~

I'm such a wreck right now. Scared little wreck. I have no idea how long I've 
been out here. I have no concept of time, just cigarette butts. And I'm looking 
down at six of them, so I'd say I've been out here for a while…just stewing over 
what he said.

Maria's alive. His Maria is alive. The patient that I felt such a compelling 
need to save…is her. Lauren Barrett is Maria DeLuca. And her daughter is his 
daughter. Liz…who knew…and didn't tell us anything. Maria is alive. She's not a 
ghost anymore…she's real. She, the love of his life, is real. And I don't feel 
like being the 'understanding wife' anymore. 

I've held in so much for Michael…because he needed it. He needed those stupid 
'guilt treks' for his tortured soul. And I gave them to him…I gave them to him 
because I love him so much. And I'd pretend to understand…okay, I understand…but 
that doesn't change the fact that I would give anything to accompany him OR just 
have him completely open himself up about her. But he never has…he has never 
completely talked about Maria with me…Which I have slowly been accepting. 
Because I know that he loves me. That he's with me.

But now? But now?! He's so emotionally screwed right now…and I can't be in there 
with him. After he told me…I told him I needed air. Because I was afraid of 
lashing out at him. Lashing out at him for not telling me about her so I could 
understand where he's at right now. Lashing out in fear because I want to know 
what this means…her return…what does it mean to us? Lashing out in fear because 
of my own insecurity. But he doesn't know. He doesn't know anything right now. 
He's torn and conflicted and angry. And his anger always scares me because the 
opposite of his underlying anger…is his amazing passion. And he was venting 
about Maria in that anger…and I'm scared because I don't want it to be anything 
more…

There's butt number seven. And he's coming outside, sitting next to me.

"Katie…Katie, I'm sorry." And he is…he is sorry. His eyes are full of concern 
for me and my heart leaps…because at this moment I feel very insecure about us. 
And I need to feel secure. I need to.

"It's not your fault, Michael." It's not. It's not his fault. It's hers. She, 
who lied to them all. She lied to him. She kept a daughter from him. His family. 
She's responsible for this. 

I hate her. 

I do. And I don't care what that makes me. One patient, one moment, and 
everything in my life is no longer the same. 

***

Driving home from Max and Liz's…the worst drive. I can't believe I didn't even 
think of Katie until I was at their house. It made me sick, thinking I just 
neglected her. I kept looking down at my left hand, amazed that it escaped me. 
But Maria…with Maria…time could just freeze for a while. It was always about 
'the moment,' the future was too abstract at that time. How was I going to tell 
her? What was I going to tell her when I wasn't sure what was going on myself?

The shock on her face when I told her…it was like telling her I was 'not from 
around here.' The disbelief at the words that were coming out of my mouth was 
apparent. She didn't really ask any questions, just listened to my rant over 
what happened. About following Liz, about seeing Maria, about the complete 
betrayal that occurred. And when I stopped, she just looked at me.

"Katie?" I didn't know what was going on in her head. And I needed to know.
"I need some air." And with that, she grabbed her cigarettes and was out the 
door. 

~~~ 

She's been out there for a while. I'm trying to be patient, trying to give 
her the space that she wanted, implied in that one statement. I may not know 
what "air" refers to, but there was no mistaking her tone, her body language. 

The underlying message was "stay away for a while." I can't take it anymore. I 
need to know how she's doing. Not good. She seems to have a nice scattering of 
cigarette butts. I'm so sorry, Katie…I'm so sorry.

"Katie…Katie, I'm sorry."

She seems to understand, she sees my concern for her. 

"It's not your fault, Michael." The comment is a sympathetic, but flat.
I know it's not my fault, but looking over at Katie, I feel responsible. I've 
never been able to completely tell her my feelings for Maria. She's always known 
what they were, but I have never been able to let the words fall from my mouth. 

They were always too sacred…sometimes that love is a lifetime ago, and sometimes 
it is very present in my dreams, or in Roswell with Amy. And now…now it's 
different. I'm so upset at Maria for doing this to me and speechless that she's 
alive. I'm upset at Liz, for knowing…for knowing and not telling us. Not telling 
me. I'm upset at everything. And the woman who has occupied my heart for the 
last three years is hurting. And hurting Katie is something I never want to do. 

Ever. 

And I haven't even done this. This is not my fault. But she is forced to deal 
with the aftershock of my newfound knowledge. That Maria is not dead. That I 
have a daughter. And I can tell by her demeanor that it's more than just the 
knowledge, it's what I have never been able to fully express to her. I have 
never been able to explain what it was to be in love with Maria to her.
And what am I feeling? I still don't know. I just don't know. I'm so angry right 
now that coherent thoughts regarding Maria are practically impossible. And that 
Liz betrayed me…Liz…probably my best friend…didn't tell me. Didn't tell Max. No, 
she calls Kyle. And we're all left stunned and dazed, dealing with this. Or 
trying to. And my wife…my Katie is hurt over this. And I don't know how to make 
the hurt go away. I don't even know how to make sense of my hurt or my feelings.

She huffed. "I felt such a need to save her, you know. Wonder why." Sarcasm was 
laced in that last comment. 

"Katie-" 
"

Don't 'Katie' me, Michael. Don't. You have no idea what I am feeling." She's 
upset, really upset. I thought it was hurt, but this is…anger? Anger I probably 
have coming to me, considering I never tell her enough where Maria is 
concerned…and she's been so understanding. Maybe too understanding…

God, Katie. "Then tell me. What are you feeling?" 

***

What am I feeling?! What am I feeling?! Anger! Hurt! Jealousy! Raging jealousy 
because your precious Maria is alive! That she's given you a daughter! That I'm 
not Maria! 

"I don't know what I'm feeling. Hurt? Anger? Jealousy? Take your pick." Take 
your pick, Michael, take your pick. God, why am I directing this anger towards 
you? Because she's not here in front of me. And if she was… "I'm sorry. That 
wasn't fair. I just…don't know what to feel." Not towards him.

And your pain…what are feeling? God, Michael…what are you feeling?
He scoots closer, placing his arm around me. And I feel, in his gesture, the 
torment inside of him. He doesn't know what he's feeling, either. How can he? 
She left him scarred for years…and it was all a lie… And I want to scream at her 

"He's MINE." But I can't. And I'm not Maria. I've never been her…and for the 
first time in my life, not being her is terrifying. Because what happens when 
he's not angry with her anymore? What happens to us? 

I hate her.

He pulls away, looking into my eyes. "Katie…I love you. You know that, don't 
you? I love you." 

Who's he trying to reassure? Me? Or himself? I finally let the tears that I've 
been holding back fall. For me, for him. For us.

"Of course I know you love me. But that's not what this is about. Maria's not 
some ex-girlfriend, Michael. She's…Maria." He is so conflicted, closing his eyes 
to my comment. He probably has her name rolling in his head right now.

"You've never let me be a part of it. Maria, Amy, Roswell, any of it. You've 
kept most of it to yourself…not really sharing it with me. And I pretended to 
understand…but I don't." I have finally let the words out. That I don't 
understand it.

With tears in his eyes, he shakes his head. "I haven't. I've thought about 
it…but I haven't. I don't know why."

It takes every ounce of courage I have inside me to utter my next words. 

"Michael, I think it's time…Time you tell me about Maria." It is a statement, 
not a question.

His bewildered expression and open mouth seem to be frozen in time. His eyes are 
searching, probably for his answer. Just as it appears that he is finally going 
to tell me something, the phone rings. And he runs into the house to answer it.
And my heart just falls…into that unreachable place that he has always had for 
his lost love.

***

Her look tells me everything. She doesn't understand…she's been pretending this 
entire time. And I love her for it. Not anger, love. Because she has saved me so 
many times from a despair that I was so used to existing in. Part of me knows 
that I probably knew this all along, that she couldn't be that understanding. 
And yet somehow, she's allowed me to have a dual existence for three years. In 
the name of love. We don't deserve this. I finally have a happiness that I 
thought was lost forever, and once again, life wants to tear it away from me.
I tell her the truth…that I don't know why I have never told her about Maria. I 
can't even explain it to myself. The best I can come up with is the more secret 
I keep the memories, the more real they were. I guess I'm afraid of losing 
them…of forgetting…because I can't. Or maybe I don't want to…they are a part of 
me. And a long time ago, I decided to accept my different 'parts' and learn from 
them. For her. To show her that I did learn something from her. 

"Michael, I think it's time…Time you tell me about Maria."

Her expression is stern. It feels like an…ultimatum. I can't…Oh, I can't. Whoa. 
Oh, god, can I tell her about Maria? Can I? Can I explain it to her? Am I ready 
to explain it to her? How is she going to-

RING! RING! RING!

An easy way out. And I take it. I just take it and run.

~~~

"Hello?"

"Michael, it's Liz." Whoa, man. She is pissed off at something. "I hope you're 
happy with your little visit to Maria."

"What?" What is she talking about?

"Maria's in the hospital. She had a nervous breakdown." 
I'm still reeling from shock as I hear the "click" on the other end of the phone 
line. I can't believe what I just heard…Maria had a breakdown? And like instinct 
taking over, I'm grabbing my car keys. 

I spin around and see Katie. Hurt emanates from her eyes. "Where are you going?"
God, I just left her sitting out there! 

"Um…The hospital. Liz said Maria had a nervous breakdown." She looks away from 
me, almost like she's ready to cry. Then she looks at me.

"I'm coming with you."

What?! What?! No…No, Katie. Just as I'm about to say "What," she interrupts, 
understanding my expression. Her tone is cool.

"She's my patient, Michael." 

And I feel like The Jerk, again. Putting myself ahead of others.

***

I watch as his face contorts right, left, up and down. I see his eyes 
searching…for an answer…and for a brief moment in time I actually think he's 
going to respond to me…

RING! RING! RING!

And he's off running after the damn telephone. And I just sink further and 
further into that unreachable place. I'm sick of being outside, sick of having 
this go away. Answers. He's giving me answers. I deserve answers.

~~~

It's like he doesn't even hear me when I get in. And then he's hanging up the 
phone and grabbing his car keys.

Maria.

God, it hurts. "Where are you going?" Not to her. Not to her. Not to her. Not 
to--

"Um…The hospital. Liz said Maria had a nervous breakdown." And I sink all the 
way to the bottom of the abyss. I've always wanted to know what place I have in 
Michael's heart. I guess in some twisted way, I'm getting an answer, aren't I?
And then "doctor" mode sets in. This woman is my patient. That woman is my 
patient. He doesn't take it well, that I'm going with him. "She's my patient, 
Michael." He feels stupid. And he should. I am a doctor, after all. Not just a 
jealous wife. And I have to see for myself. I have to see what hold she has on 
him.

* * * * *

I drove Liz to Maria's. She was too much of a wreck to be driving anywhere. It 
was a painful drive, watching her cry into her hands, repeating, "It's my 
fault." I tried to reassure her that everything was going to be okay, but she 
snapped at me. "No, Max. It's not." We didn't talk for the rest of the drive. I 
just gave her some space.

I'm still trying to wrap my head around all the events that have happened in 
less than a few days. I now know the explanation for Liz's recent 
behavior-Maria. The Maria that we failed to protect is alive and well-along with 
Michael's daughter. Liz said her full name is Michaela Elizabeth. It means a lot 
to her that Maria chose her name. As though it wouldn't happen. If Maria DeLuca 
had a daughter, the name 'Elizabeth' would appear in it. 

Michael. I don't even know how to begin to understand what he must be feeling. 
He was completely lost without her for years. He still tortures himself about 
her death. And for what? She never died…she just left him. I tried to defend 
Liz, but Michael wasn't having it. He was too upset to be directing his anger 
towards its source, so he took it out on Liz. She seemed to resign herself to 
take it. Part of me felt betrayed by her actions, but one look at my tortured 
wife…and I felt how it was eating her up inside.

~~~

The scene inside was not good. Kyle was trying to comfort Kaela. And Maria…she 
looked empty. Liz ran to her side, checking her over as I just stared at who was 
actually in front of me. In the flesh. And even though I was looking at Maria, 
it just wasn't the same. There was no Maria-spark. Looking at this person I 
knew, just a huddled mass staring off into space…it broke my heart.

Liz was stroking Maria's cheek, tears rolling down her eyes. She looked over at 
me, "She's had a breakdown." I think I actually heard Kyle's shock at Liz's 
announcement. The three of us looked at each other, and then all eyes were on 
Kaela. Whoa. Aside from two unmistakable hazel eyes, she is a miniature version 
of Maria. She wrestled away from Kyle's grasp and ran straight to Liz.

"Please make my mommy better." Tear tracks were on her cheeks, and my heart went 
out to her. Liz pet her hair. "I'm gonna try, sweetie. I promise. Now I need you 
to do me a big favor and go to your Uncle Kyle, okay?" Hearing Liz's gentleness 
towards her made something inside me leap. I was looking at the proof that Liz 
and I can have children. That it was safe. I think I understood Michael's fury, 
looking at the hazel eyes of his "family." How Maria could have kept this from 
him-

"Who's he?" Kaela's inquisitive eyes and her index finger were directed at me. A 
little blonde whirlwind, all right.

"He's my husband, Max. Max, this is Kaela." I knelt in front of her, taking in 
Michael's daughter. She was beautiful. I extended my hand out to her. 

"Nice to meet you, Kaela." She looked at my outstretched hand for a moment, then 
to Liz. When she turned back to face me, a grin was plastered on her face.

"Nice to meet you too, Max." She then bounced her way to Kyle, but not before 
glancing back at Maria. Poor Kid.
Liz flashed me half-smile, then went into "Liz-mode." She headed over to the 
phone, looking at papers, at numbers. Then she was on the phone, talking to some 

"Jess" person. I realized she was making arrangements for Kaela. Soon, she had a 
friend of Maria's on her way over to pick up Kaela and take care of her. Jess 
was younger than Maria, but had a son Kaela's age. I don't know how Liz managed 
to explain anything to Jess, but she did. And somehow Jess believed her story 
enough to take Kaela and wait for an update from Liz. Kaela was scared, but 
between reassurances from Kyle, Liz, Jess, and Nathan, she was fine. Nathan told 
her he wouldn't let anything bad happen to her. Something tells me these two 
have a crush on each other. 

When Jess left, Liz filled Kyle in on what happened with Michael and Maria. I've 
seen Kyle want to kill Michael on a number of occasions, but this time it seemed 
different. But walking into a house with a catatonic Maria could probably 
qualify as different. When I asked Liz why we weren't calling an ambulance, she 
replied it wasn't necessary. And she was right. I was surprised at how easy it 
was to move Maria to the car. She walked with us, but never responded. Michael 
was like that after her death. Just some shell of a person. 

We finally get Maria checked in. And as we sit in the waiting room, Liz starts 
to react. The doctor façade disappears as concerned friend shoots forward. She 
jumps out of her chair and starts to pace about the room in fury. Kyle and I 
just stare at her. "Damn him!" Who? Michael? "She was too fragile! But no…leave 
it to him to just follow me as though it's any of his damn business! And now! 
Jesus! Look at her! That's not Maria in there! She was too fragile!" Liz in 
angry-mode is not a good thing. For such a small woman, she can muster quite a 
bit of spunk when pushed. But just as I think she's about to collapse down on a 
chair from exhaustion, she surprises me again. 

She whips out her cell phone. "Michael, it's Liz." I walk over to stop her and 
she walks away from me. This is not going to be good. 

"I hope you're happy with your little visit to Maria." Liz, no. She keeps moving 
from me. Then she deals him the final blow. 

"Maria's in the hospital. She had a nervous breakdown." Satisfied, she puts her 
cell phone back into her purse and collapses on the chair.

I want to say something, but I can't. Nor can Kyle. We all saw Maria…like that. 
So, instead, we are just going to sit here and wait. Wait for news on Maria. And 
wait for Michael to come barreling through those doors.
I know him too well.

* * * * *

The doctor still hasn't told us anything. Aside from the breakdown. Thank you 
very much, as if I didn't know! This is probably the first time that Max has let 
me just walk away from him, knowing that I was going to be smoking cigarettes. I 
was just so upset at everything. Okay, mostly myself. I'm pulling such a 

Max-letting the world rest on my shoulders. But how can I not? I mean, Maria is 
sitting in a hospital bed, catatonic. After a visit from Michael. Who followed 
me from the hospital. I knew she wasn't doing well, and what do I do? I bring 
Kyle. And I thought that was a good idea. Then she gets a visit from Michael. 
And even though I only know Michael's side of what happened…I can only imagine 
what it did to her. Seeing him. His realization of Kaela. His anger at her. From 
what Michael said, she barely even put up a fight. 

There are two people Maria is terrified of seeing. And after what happened with 
Michael, there is no way in hell that Amy is going to learn anything right now. 
I don't care what I have to do…she can't go through that. My god, Maria had a 
nervous breakdown. Maria "I'm telfon, babe" DeLuca… I will do whatever it takes 
to protect her. Because she's been so alone, and I think I finally have an 
understanding of what that truly means. So much repressed emotion has just shot 
to the surface and she couldn't take it.

I'm going to kill Michael.

I knew something was wrong when no one picked up the phone! I knew it! And 
now…now she's just…lost. And I hope she'll let me help her. 

* * * * *

I'm going to kill Guerin. How could he just follow Liz? How could he just 
confront her like that? Couldn't he tell she wasn't the same? That she was weak. 
It's not a word I would ever use to describe Maria-but it's what she's like now. 
Except when it comes to Kaela. It's the only time I saw a glimmer of the Maria I 
used to know. 

After Liz's phone call to Michael, she relaxed a bit. Then she pulled some 
cigarettes out of her purse and just walked away. I looked at Max and he 
shrugged his shoulders. The way those two know each other still amazes me. I'm 
still waiting for 'the one.' Maybe I even have her…I don't know. It's too early 
in the relationship to tell. Thank goodness she's buying the out-of-town 
business trip story. I'll explain it to her later, but some things just can't be 
blurted out. There's no box to check titled 'back from the dead' as a reason for 
just leaving work and life behind. 

Before, I was fighting the urge to call my dad and Amy and let them know the 
good news. Not happening any time soon. If Michael's visit put Maria in this 
state…I can only imagine what seeing Amy would do to her. My heart just goes out 
to Amy. Soon, she's going to find out about Maria and Kaela. The lies are going 
to kill her. And out of those ashes, a fierce, smothering, protective love will 
emerge. Maria is going to have a hard time shaking Amy from her presence when 
she finally sees her. I can just imagine it. Amy-shadow. And Dad. He really 
loved Maria. He always had a soft spot in his heart for girls, and Maria seemed 
to fill some hole for him. Maybe he always wanted a daughter, I don't know. But 
I know he felt like we all did. That we failed to protect her. I'm glad he's 
going to be there for Amy when she finds out. I'm glad they are going to be 
there for each other.

Baby steps, Valenti. She has to come out of this first. Deep down, I know she 
will. Maria is in there somewhere…and she'll come out.

She has to.

* * * * *

Liz amazes me. In spite of everything she's been holding in, she has managed to 
pull us together. In a roundabout way. I mean…she finds Maria. She calls in 
"cowboy" Kyle…the most logical choice. She knew I could never keep that from 
Michael, from Isabel. Isabel…would kill her and tell Michael. Amy-not an option. 
Alex…after what happened before…maybe not the best choice. Michael? Yeah, that 
went over well. And in true Liz fashion, she weighed her options and…Kyle was 
called. 

Then she just lets Michael railroad her. It's her guilt, though. Guilt over not 
telling me or Michael. Because she and Michael have developed a special 
friendship and, in his mind, she violated it. She knows Michael was just venting 
at her because he couldn't vent to Maria. And then we get to Maria's house, and 
she's in control. She gets Kaela taken care of. She gets Maria taken care of. 
And when she was done taking care of people, she lets herself fall apart a bit.
I'll admit it. I'm pissed that she called Michael…like that. I mean, I would 
have called him. But protective-mode took over, and all she could see was her 
friend in a catatonic state. In her mind, Michael deserved that phone call. I 
just hope she apologizes along the way. She can be so stubborn when she wants 
to.

~~~

And now she's up there, smoking. I didn't even bother to say anything this time. 
It wouldn't do any good, and she needs to let off some steam. 
The doors to the waiting area flap open and I don't even have to guess who those 
footsteps belong to. 

Michael.

And Kate?

Go to next part