* * * * *
Katie and I didn't even exchange words on the car ride over. I couldn't think
straight and she was plain upset. Words have never been a strong suit of mine,
and I've learned that if I'm not sure what's going to come out…I should just
keep my mouth shut. Too many people get hurt when I explode.
And now, again, Maria is one of them. A nervous breakdown? I knew what was
happening the second I went for the car keys. Every ounce of anger that I had
towards her just dissipated. And I was finally able to let myself ask the
question, "Is she okay?" And I didn't just mean about the breakdown. Is Maria
okay? She wasn't like herself…at all. No fighting words…or barely any…I had so
much anger it's hard to recognize if there was any on her side. She looked
smaller, frailer than I remember her. And she was crying…a lot. Not that Maria
didn't cry…it was just…pathetic. And that's not Maria.
The way she looked in Kaela's room…it all made sense. She was unraveling from
the very start. And in my anger, I completely ignored it. And she really meant
it…that Kaela couldn't see her like that. Oh, God, Kaela? Is she okay? Is Kyle
taking care of her?
~~~
Katie is on my heels as I walk into the waiting room. Kyle. Max. No Kaela? No
Liz? Max stands to greet me. He must know what I want to ask because he replies,
"We don't know anything. She's not allowed visitors right now." I just pause, as
he grabs my forearms to hold me, trying to catch my breath. They don't know
anything? Why not? How could they not know anything?!
"Hey, Kate."
"Hi, Max."
Katie. I'm losing time, again. She's talking to me. "I'm going to go see if I
can get any more info out of the doctors, okay?" I nod. "Thank you." Her look is
pained. "Max, I'm assuming Liz is on the roof?"
"Yeah."
"Okay. I'll go check things out." And she walks away.
I look over, and see Kyle. His eyes are blazing, and Max must notice it, too.
"Not here. Not now." Max is still holding onto my arms, staring Valenti down.
Valenti shoots me another look, then gets up and walks out of the room. Max and
I are face to face, and I need to know what happened to Maria. "Tell me, Max."
And he begins. "When Kyle got home, he found her…"
I can't picture her like that. Not Maria. But she wasn't what I expected when I
saw her. With Maria, it was always blazing fires. There was heat…or some kind of
electricity in the air. It was dangerous. And we both felt it was a good thing.
But the woman I talked to today…had no spark. And that breaks me. Because I
remember having no spark. I remember every single one of my dark days. And I
realize that she's had more than I have. I need to tell her I'm sorry…for
hurting her like that.
I need to-I need her to be okay.
Liz walks in with the doctor. And the three of us gravitate towards her, each
dreading the words that may come out of his mouth because…what if she's not
okay?
What am I going to do if she's not okay?
* * * * *
Yeah, life's just great. My car is totaled. I'm 'back from the dead.' Oh, and I
had a nervous breakdown, all in just under five days. All in all, life couldn't
be better. Have I mentioned how much I hate hospitals?
It took me a few minutes to realize where I was when I woke up. At first I was
convinced it was just bad déjà vu, but then reality struck, again. Common
pattern in my life these days. I felt drugged when I woke up, like a haze was
around everything. Then, slowly, everything started to come back to me. And the
last thing I remember was being on the couch after seeing Michael again, then
all went black. It didn't take me long to figure out what happened. I mean, I've
been on the verge of a nervous breakdown for around seven years, so…having one
wasn't too shocking. I think what's scaring me is how unafraid I am now… I began
to freak out, thinking about Kaela and where she was and how I got here when my
doctor came in.
He explained what happened, asked me a few questions, then shook his head. "It
always amazes me when this happens."
"When 'what' happens?" What is he talking about?
"Often, a person is extremely fragile coming out of a breakdown. It seems to
have the opposite effect on you. You seem nothing like the person your friends
described to me."
Friends? Oh, boy. How many of them are here? Wait-
"I think you may be ready to leave in a day or two. I'll check back in with you
later. But, I think I'm going to say "no visitors" for now."
"Okay." He received a grateful smile from me. Finally, an actual reason for them
to stay away. I could use the head clearing.
So now, I'm sitting here, again, just thinking. And for the first time, I don't
feel apprehension. I'm not scared of anyone walking through that door. Okay,
lying. My mom. I still don't think I can handle that right now. But I just know
that the worst has passed, and it feels…amazing. I am exhausted, though. So much
came to the surface in such a little time, I didn't want to deal with it
anymore. So I 'went away.' And when I came out, that fear, that nagging fear
that has always been a part of my existence…I think it's gone. And I'm trying to
figure out what it means.
Maybe it has something to do with a dream I had about my father. We were back on
the front doorstep where he left me. Except this time, I was older. As he was
walking away, I asked him how he could just leave me. Just like that. And he
turned, placing his bags on the ground and came to me. He cupped my face in his
hands and just stared.
"You know." Know what? I must have appeared confused because he said it again.
"You know." And this time, the words sounded different. They felt different.
I understood.
"You have to protect us, don't you?" He smiled and kissed my forehead. "Yes, I
do. I love you. Remember that. I love you, Maria." And he walked away from me. A
need to tell him something rushed over, and I ran towards him.
"Dad!" He turned to face me.
"I forgive you." Tears fell from his eyes as he walked over to hug me. He kissed
the top of my head and walked back to his bags. He never looked back.
Maybe I did more than just forgive my father. Maybe I'm starting to forgive
myself.
~~~
Uh. Oh. Not sure if the worst has passed-
"Hey. How are you feeling?" I'm feeling like scum now. Looking at Dr. Guerin, I
feel guilty for what I must be doing to her life.
"Tired. But, I feel good." Except for now.
"Well, that's good. It seems that you had a…'cathartic' breakdown. I mean, you
seem less tense." My first instinct at the words 'cathartic' breakdown…I thought
she was a bitch. And then I heard the sincerity in her words. And yeah, I guess
I did have a 'cathartic' breakdown.
"I feel less tense." An awkward silence invades the room. It's very…unnerving.
And without even thinking, I break the silence.
"I'm sorry." The words just fell from my mouth. But…I'm sorry. I'm sorry that
I'm going to turn her life upside down. I'm sorry for Michael. I'm sorry for
the-
She's having a conflict over my words. God, she must hate me. I'd hate me. "I'm
sorry for disrupting your life." I feel the beginnings of tears, and I push them
back with all my might. I'm so sick of crying. And it's not like this is my
fault…I didn't ask to get into a car accident and be brought to the hospital
where-
"Life is full of surprises. This is just one of those things that…happened." And
I hear it, the bitterness in her voice. Directed at me. So she has some fire in
her…
I want to ask her how Michael is doing, but I have no right. Not to ask his wife
how her husband is doing. Instead, a lame response comes out. "Yeah." What else
can I say?
She gives me a nod, and starts towards the door. I stop her. "Wait. I need to
talk to them." After seeing her, I realize it's time to stop avoiding things and
just deal with them. And I have to deal with them, whether I like it or not.
"Dr. Freilan doesn't think you should have visitors yet." I'm going to go out on
a limb here…
"What do you think?" That shocked her. Then her expression changed to
"doctor-mode."
"I think you could handle it, probably for a few minutes, just to be on the safe
side." I nod my head. A few minutes are probably all I could handle, anyway.
"Do you mind telling them?"
"No. I'll go tell them now." And she's out the door. And it hits me that I'm
going to be seeing all of them at once. Oh, boy…what have I gotten myself into?
I can do this.
I can do this.
* * * * *
Okay. She's okay. Relief courses through my veins. I just want to tell her I'm
sorry, and the doctor says she can't see anyone. Liz tells us it's for the best.
Which it probably is…the last time I saw her…and now? What now? Do I forgive her
for what she's done? I just can't stand to think of Maria in a hospital bed
recovering from a nervous breakdown. Not her. But it still hurts in so many
different ways. It hurts to know she's alive. It hurts to know I have a
daughter. It hurts to know I put her in that bed. Maybe I'm not ready for this…
Maybe I can wait to say I'm sorry. One thing is for certain,
we're all grateful
that she's going to be fine. Liz is beaming over the fact that she's okay. Max
squeezes my arm, smiling, before walking over to Liz. Kyle just has his
Valenti-grin plastered over his face. And the air is now lighter in the room.
Katie returns and looks at us. "She wants to see you all now. Only for a few
minutes, though." She's looking at me, and I can't read her expression. What did
she and Maria talk about?
"Dr. Freilan says she shouldn't have any visitors." Liz, as always, protecting
Maria.
"She knows. She still wants to see all of you." This time, her gaze falls to
Liz. She's upset. There's no mistaking it. She's upset about …something that
happened with Maria.
Liz looks at all us with a warning in her eyes. Satisfied by our reactions, she
begins to lead the way, "Let's go." Katie stays behind.
~~~
She's not as fragile as I was afraid she'd look. Actually, it took me a while to
look at her. The last time we met, it wasn't good. She ended up in that bed. I
couldn't just look at her right away. I was too afraid of what may be behind her
eyes. So for a little while, everything other than where she was looked like a
great thing to be looking at. But now, she looks tired. Very tired. She doesn't
look tense, either. During our entire encounter, she was tense and guarded.
S
he's not, though. And I wonder if-
"Hey." She breaks the silence. Her voice confirms her exhaustion.
We all look at her. "It's good to see you, Max." She flashes her trademark smile
at him and I realize just how long it's been since I've seen that smile. The way
she looks when she gives that smile…I can't go there. Liz beams at Max. Yeah,
the air is definitely lighter in this room.
Max walks over to her bed and gives her a hug, which she returns. "Are you
okay?" When they pull apart, Maria has tears in her eyes. She wipes her tears
with her hands, smiling. "Yeah, I'm fine…just a bit tired." She looks over to
Liz and Kyle. "Where's Kaela?" I was so grateful to Liz for taking care of her.
Kyle responds. "Liz took care of it, Maria. She found your friend Jess's number
and asked her to take Kaela for a while. Last we heard, they were going to build
a fort." Maria smiles at Kyle, then at Liz. "Thanks." She's been carefully
avoiding looking at me. Just a glance here and there. I mean, I did this to her.
An instinct flares inside of me for a moment-Run. But I'm not going to run…slink
into the corner, maybe…
"I just wanted to discuss what happens when I get out-"
Liz interrupts. "Don't worry. We have it all taken care of. Kyle will stay with
you and Kaela when you get out-"
"And don't worry, Maria. I've already arranged for the time off. That way you
can have someone around while you get better-"
"And Max and I will take Kaela anytime you need time to yourself."
During this exchange, I watch as Maria eyes flip back and forth between Liz and
Kyle. She doesn't say anything.
"We're going to take care of you. You don't have to be afraid anymore." Her eyes
fall back to Kyle. She's too hard to read right now. I don't think any of us
know what she's thinking.
Kyle says something to Liz and she and Max respond. And as I watch this
conversation begin, I swear I hear Maria say something. Then I hear it again.
"Ex-cuse me." We all turn to look at her. There was attitude in that comment.
And I wonder if-
"I'll be the one making the decisions in my life, if you don't mind." And both
Liz and Kyle drop their jaws. Max and I just stare at her. And I bet each of us
is thinking the same thing.
She's back.
* * * * *
I watch as they enter my room. Liz, Max, Kyle, and a distant Michael. I feel a
flutter of panic. How are they all going to react? What are they going to think
of me? Will Max forgive me? Will He forgive me? He's here…what does that mean?
Liz and Max stand about three feet away from the bed, side by side. Kyle and
Michael stand behind them. Michael looks a bit uncomfortable. Some things never
change. I feel the stare of each of them on me. I don't like it.
"Hey." Okay, not a great start, but it's a beginning. I just want to get this
over with. Let them see that I'm not a wreck anymore. I realize this is the
first time I've seen Max Evans in seven years. Not much has changed about him.
He's like the rest of us…a bit older. I want to tell him I'm sorry…but other
words come out instead.
"It's good to see you, Max." And I smile…I'm glad to be seeing my friend again.
Max crosses the distance between us and hugs me. And it feels good. I've really
missed him. And a few tears escape…I'm overwhelmed. And as we pull apart, Max
sees the tears. "Are you okay?" Geez, I was only overwhelmed for a second. I
smile. "Yeah, I'm fine…just a bit tired." And I am tired. This emotional roller
coaster is about as exhausting as giving birth.
I finally ask about Kaela. It's strange. I knew she was okay, but I needed
confirmation. And I was so happy to hear that she was doing okay. I thank Liz.
Leave it to her to take charge in a crisis.
I still can't really look at Michael right now. But I need to tell them about
what's going to happen. And as I start to say something, Liz interrupts. And
then Kyle interrupts. And they are talking about what's going to happen with me.
As their voices spin around in my head, I feel myself falling back to a familiar
state of passivity when something undeniable begin to take my body over.
Something familiar reaching for the surface, reaching for air. And this time, I
don't deny it. I let it take over. Whatever tiny shred of Lauren Barrett that
may have been in me is gone. I'm Maria DeLuca.
This is my life.
"Excuse me." No one pays me any mind, and I realize how quiet it came out,
almost a whisper.
"Ex-cuse me." Yeah, that got their attention. All four pairs of eyes are finally
where they should be...looking at me. And I look at them as Maria.
"I'll be the one making the decisions in my life, if you don't mind." That would
be four pairs of shocked eyes and two open mouths. Not bad, Maria. Not bad at
all.
And as they are still staring, I can only think of one thing-
I'm back.
* * * * *
I can't believe what I am hearing. That is Maria talking. It's in her eyes. And
finally, a spark is there. As she's looking over each of us, I realize my jaw is
open. Close it, Liz.
"It's not that I don't appreciate it, but this is my life. And I am going to be
the one to make the decisions. For me. For Kaela. I'm not asking for your
opinion. But I refuse to spin out of control anymore." Every word is an
affirmation that Maria has returned. But, regardless of what she thinks, she is
still weak. I hope she realizes that. I have to say something.
"Maria, we're not trying to run your life. We just want to help you." We have to
help her. We need to help her.
"Let's not get into your "help," okay? And yes, you are trying to run my life.
Look, I know you want to help me…but I need to help myself on this one, okay? I
have a daughter to take care of. I have to get her life back to some semblance
of normalcy." I could feel Michael's jaw clenching at that last statement. I
could only imagine what thoughts are rolling around in his head regarding his
daughter. I wonder what is going to happen between him and Maria and Kaela.
Because he deserves to see her, to get to know her…after everything…he deserves
it. And she owes him that much.
Okay, Dr. Evans here. "Maria. You just had a nervous breakdown. You have to take
it easy. We want to help you take it easy. That's all." I look at everyone,
commanding their consent. They give it…weakly. Especially Michael. I wonder
what's going on in his head…
She rolls her eyes in that Maria way…someone's stated the obvious. I smile
inwardly at her gesture. It's her. "Liz, babe. I know I had a breakdown. Because
I would not be waking up to this lovely décor if I wasn't in the hospital,
again. But I have a six-year old daughter who needs me and needs things to go
back to how they were. As long as I have her to concentrate on, I will be fine."
It's Kyle who responds to her this time. "Fine? Fine?! Isn't that what you've
been doing? Concentrating on her? Look where it got you!" He's expressing the
frustration that I am feeling. Like she just wants to sweep this incident under
the carpet. As though everything is going to go back to normal. There is no
normal. There hasn't been a normal in over ten years. God, how can she just be
so-
She gives Kyle a 'death'-glare. "This is not comment-on-my-life hour, Kyle. And
this is my life. A life I have made the decisions in for the past seven years.
And I really don't care what you think at this point. I'm so tired of being
afraid of everything. So, the cat's out of the bag?! Okay. I'll deal with it.
And in my own way. Got it?! And 'my own way' requires me to take Kaela to soccer
practice, help her with her homework, read her stories at night, and take her to
play dates with Nathan. If you have any problems with that, file a complaint.
I'll get to it when I have time."
Once again, she has left the four of us in shock. And who can blame us? We first
see this frail, crying, shell-of-Maria, only to be replaced by 'Teflon-Maria.' I
think part of me is spinning out of control. There's such a determination to
her…and I'm happy. I'm so happy that she's not the person I first saw in a
hospital bed. That she's not that thing I found on her couch. She's fighting her
way back and I want to welcome it with open arms. But I'll be damned if she
thinks she's going to shut us out. She may want to be "Teflon," but there are
more of us than there are of her…
She continues. "So, here's the plan. Kaela and I are here until school and
soccer season are over. Got it? I am not pulling her out of school and I'm not
taking her away from any of her activities. We'll see where things are when the
time comes." She looks each of us over, gauging our responses. I'm dying to know
what Michael thinks, but I can't bring myself to turn my head at him now. I can
feel Max's shock at the person in front of him. He's probably still reeling from
what he saw on the couch and what's in front of him. "And for now, Kyle, you can
stay with us. It's been established, so why disrupt it? That's how things are
going to be right now."
What do you mean 'right now'? She hasn't said a thing to me or Max-or Michael,
for that matter. What about us?
"Maria-" I begin. She cuts me off.
"We'll talk about more later, okay? Just not right now. Look, I just need to
think about some things. It's not like I'm going anywhere."
That's our cue. She wants us to leave. "Okay. But you know we'll be back." I
give her that playful smile that we used to give each other…the one that
says…"more later." She returns it. "You're kidding?" She gives another laugh.
"Alright, shoo!" She gestures with her hands for us
to leave, but just as
Michael reaches the door, she stops us.
"Um, Kyle, Michael? Could I talk to you for a second?" This time, she looks
serious. Michael, as if on instant reflex, opens his mouth, then nods his head.
Kyle steps away from the door, allowing Max and I to leave.
~~~
Kate is nowhere to be found. I have a hunch she is on the roof, but I can't
bring myself to go find her. Max and I are just sitting here, waiting for Kyle
and Michael to come out. And I'm just a teensy-bit worried about Kyle and
Michael alone in a room with Maria. I mean, Kyle wants to kill Michael and who
knows what Michael wants to do to Maria, and it's not like the last time they
saw each other that things went great-
"Liz." Max brings me to reality. "It's going to be okay."
He said it with such certainty. "How do you know?"
He kisses my forehead. "Just a gut feeling I have." And I let the apprehension
slide away and take comfort in my husband's arms. And I smile because Max has
great instincts.
* * * * *
Okay, I'm nervous. Really nervous. Is she going to yell at me some more for what
I just said? Because, this is definitely Maria we are talking about. Oh boy. I
look at Guerin. We must be thinking the same thing. What does she want? She
quickly interlocks her fingers, looking down at her hands, then at the two of
us, then back down to her hands. She looks softer, more vulnerable. Odd. Just
seconds ago, I thought I was looking at 'Teflon-babe.' Whatever she has to say
to us, it worries her. It's amazing how fragile and strong a person can look in
the same instant.
She's looking up at us again, with pleading eyes. "I need to ask you guys a
favor that I have no right to ask…" She shuts her eyes, and it's obvious that
she's fighting tears. She opens her eyes. As she begins to speak, I can't help
but notice the slight trembling in her voice. "I need you to not say anything to
my mom, yet." She pauses, again, and lets a tear escape from her eyes. "I know
I'm not ready for that, with her. I just need some time to prepare myself and
Kaela for it." She finishes the statement looking at Michael, but diverts her
eyes to the corner at the mention of Kaela. She regains her composure and looks
at us again. "Please?" Her eyes focus on mine. And what can I say? No?
Still, thoughts quickly bombard me. I mean, Amy and my dad have been married for
years. She's been amazing to me over these past years. Yeah, sometimes too much,
but after losing Maria…and it felt good to almost have a mom again. And Amy
having Maria back and Kaela…I don't even know if there are words to describe…
But I can't shake the image of Maria trembling uncontrollably on the couch. And
as much as I love Amy, I can just picture how she'll react to news of Maria. The
answer is simple. "Okay."
Maria flashes me a smile. Of relief. Her pleading eyes focus on Guerin. And if
he says anything but "yes," I'm going to have to kill him. He's quiet for what
seems like an eternity, and just as I'm ready to take him out in the hall, he
answers her.
"Sure."
She lets more tears escape from her eyes, nodding her head. Relief is thick in
the air. "Thank you."
And something about the way she's looking at Guerin leads me to believe she
wants to talk to him alone. It's confirmed when she looks back at me again. And
against my better judgment, I'm going to leave this room.
"I'll talk to you soon." She nods her head, again.
I look at Guerin squarely. If you hurt her, I'll kill you. There's something in
his eyes, though. Something that tells me that his anger isn't present. So I
walk out the door, reluctantly.
But this is Guerin we're talking about. So I'm just going to stand right by this
door and wait, just to make sure that everything in that room is okay.
* * * * *
I look over at Michael, hands shoved deep into his jacket pockets. His eyes are
and aren't looking at me. So much about him is the same guy I knew years ago.
He's looking at me, nervous. Join the club, buster. It's not like our last
encounter went over so well… I can still hear his words. "I will never forgive
you for this." Also, there's some weird electricity in the air. I feel like I
can read his thoughts. But I need to put this out in the open. And just as I'm
about to speak, he looks me over, and begins.
"I'm sorry." I was right. He thinks he did this to me. It's in his voice and I
can see it in his eyes. And as usual, my heart goes out to him. Because he's
wrong.
He hasn't moved, and he's eyeing his shoes or something. "Michael. Look at me."
He needs to understand this. He meets my gaze. "You didn't do this to me. It's
been seven years in the making." I laugh at my last comment. I mean, I've been
on the verge of a nervous breakdown ever since I left him, left all of them.
Ever since I left New Mexico.
I've surprised him by my comment. "I've been on edge since I left New Mexico,
Michael. It was only a matter of time. Between Liz, Kyle, and you, something had
to give. And if it hadn't been you, it would have been someone or something
else. You were just the straw that broke the camel's back. But it's not your
fault." I let myself cry for a second before I finish. "I did this."
He still looks confused, but he takes a few steps towards me. Leave it to him to
blame himself for this. As if the weight of the world is on his shoulders. I
can't have him thinking this was his fault. Beating yourself up over things gets
you nowhere. Well, a hospital bed…
He still won't say anything. He's still the master of words. "Please don't beat
yourself up over this…because…we all have to move forward." This time he is
looking into my eyes. And I'm looking into her eyes. "Thank you for not saying
anything to my mom, yet. It's just going to be so hard and I want to prepare
myself. For that." I'm just allowing the tears to fall down my cheeks. I just
don't care who sees me cry at this point.
"Okay."
"And I know that you two have been…good to each other…and I want to thank you
for that, too." This time, the tears are full-blown. It's hard to think about
her…and him…talking, and comforting each other. It's hard to think about the
pain that I caused her. Pain that I am going to have to confront. In time.
"We needed each other." His candor shocks me. Just like that. They needed each
other. And then he shuts down, again. His eyes will always tell me when he's
'open' or 'closed.' He's closed now. And I need to open him up, just one more
time. And this is going to kill me as much as facing my mother is going to kill
me. The delicate subject.
"About Kaela…" I have his full attention now, but I'm not sure what I'm seeing.
Probably apprehension…mirrors what I'm feeling. "I need some time with her, too.
I mean…" I put my head into a hand and start to cry. I hate what I'm going to
say. I hate that it's the truth. "I've lied to her…her entire life and…I don't
want her to be overwhelmed by all of this. She's your family. But if you give me
just a little bit of time…we'll work something out. I'm not going to keep her
from you." Not anymore.
He's affected by this, allowing tears to form in his eyes. He won't shed them,
but the impact is the same.
"I'm not going to say that I'm happy about this, because I'm not. But I'll give
you the space." His expression is very serious, conveying the conflict in him.
Because he finally has a family, and I'm asking him to stay away from it for a
while. And he's agreeing to it. After everything I have done…he's agreeing to
it.
I just cry and nod. "Thank you."
He nods in return. "I should go. You probably need your rest." And a vacation
far, far away from here.
As he reaches the door, he turns to face me. "Just one question."
"Yeah?"
"When's her birthday?"
"January 16th."
"Oh." He's out the door.
I don't want to think about anything right now. I just want to sleep. Sleep some
of this away and prepare for another day. Because nothing is going to be easy.
But I'm going to do it for my daughter and for myself. I'm going to reclaim my
life.
* * * * *
She may be back, but that doesn't change anything that happened in that house.
The words that we said to each other…that I said to her…look where she ended up.
And now she wants to talk to me and Kyle about something. This is good. I'm in a
room with a woman who I sent into a nervous breakdown and a guy who wants to
kill me. Perfect. If life could get any better, I'd really be up for it about
now.
Whatever she has to say is making her nervous. But it turns out that she just
doesn't want us to tell Amy yet. That she's not ready. And after everything that
she's done, she just wants me to keep this from Amy. Amy, who still can't forget
her. Amy, who would give anything to have her daughter alive. A granddaughter. I
just got back from seeing her…she's been so good to me this time. These past
seven years, Amy has functioned as my rock. She saved me. And I'll never be able
to repay her for that. And this guilt, this sick guilt that I have carried
inside of me forever that it is a part of me…I'm just supposed to bite my tongue
for a while. I can't believe she's asking this. I can't.
But I'm looking at her. I'm looking into her eyes…and I see Amy's eyes, sad,
angry, accusing. Can I do this to her? What Liz did to me? But she was right,
Maria's not ready. She's lying in a hospital bed after a nervous breakdown…and
she's not ready. Amy deserves to know…but not right now. Not just yet. I don't
know how much time I can give her…but, for now, I'll give it to her.
"Sure."
"Thank you."
And I feel it. She wants to talk to me. I can see it. And Kyle can see it too,
because he's looking at me as though I'm a target. Geez, Kyle, I'm not going to
hurt her. I think I've done enough for an evening. He leaves us.
And now it's just the two of us. I don't like this…My stomach is just twisting
upon itself. And when I can look at her, all I can think about is what I have
done to her. I look at her one more time.
"I'm sorry." I'm so sorry. And I can't even look at her, now.
But she calls my name, telling me to look at her. And I can't believe what she's
saying. And she's laughing? Seven years in the making? She doesn't blame me.
What is she thinking?! No, I did this. And as I'm about to beat myself up,
again, I can hear it in her voice. The voice that reassures me that I didn't do
this.
"Please don't beat yourself up over this…because…we all have to move forward."
And I know she's not saying for my benefit. She believes it. I can see it in her
eyes. And maybe I start to believe her, too.
Amy is still a difficult subject for her. Every time she mentions her, the fear
is apparent in her voice. And she's thanking me for not saying anything. I still
don't want to keep this from her…but looking at Maria's eyes…I can only say,
"Okay."
"And I know that you two have been…good to each other…and I want to thank you
for that, too." She's crying. It has been so easy to blame her for just walking
away, as though it was some easy decision that she made. Which she did. But
everything about her now makes me realize that it wasn't an easy decision. But I
won't talk to her about Amy. That's too sacred. I mean, I barely talk to Liz
about it. But she needs to know one thing.
"We needed each other." And that's all I am going to say on the subject to her.
She doesn't deserve it, yet.
"About Kaela…" I tense up, afraid of what she's going to say. Terrified of what
she's going to say. And, again, she wants more time. And then she says the
"family" word. That Kaela is my family. That she's not going to keep her from
me. And I want to cry tears of joy, but not in front of her. And I'm not happy
about it…not happy at all. I mean, isn't six years enough? Hasn't there been
enough separation to last a lifetime? After everything I have lost…is it so much
to ask?
But, I don't really know her and I don't know Kaela. And something deep inside,
which I hate, knows that I have to trust her on this one, too. It kills me to
agree to it, but I do.
Okay, I need to get out of here. This is too much right now. A lot is building
up inside and I don't want it to come out. And by the looks of her, she needs
some rest. I think we've definitely overstayed our "few" minutes.
As I approach the door, I realize how little I know about my daughter. Her
birthday. Her favorite color. Her favorite foods. Does she like Tabasco sauce?
Does she have powers? Questions start to swarm inside, and I hesitate at the
door. One answer. She owes me that.
I decide on her birthday. January 16th.
It's not enough, but it's a start.
* * * * *
I wish I knew how to feel. I wish there was some kind of instruction manual on
how to do this. Because I don't know what to do or how to feel. How am I
supposed to feel?
The love of his life is alive. She has his daughter. She is Liz's best friend.
So who am I? Where do I stand in his heart? Why wouldn't he answer me earlier?
Why can't he tell me about her?
God, I hate this insecurity. I hate it. And the more I stay up here, the more I
feel the need for some space. Away from all of this. Seattle is sounding better
and better by the minute.
Am I copping out by thinking about Seattle? Is that what I am doing? God, why am
I so terrified of staying here? Am I afraid he's going to run back into her
arms? Am I terrified that I'm not enough for him? That what we have isn't real?
Yes. Yes. Yes.
I want to be a part of this, I want to help him, but I don't know if I can. I
don't know if he'll let me. If he's never been able to tell me about her, what
makes me think that I am going to get any information now? No, he'll talk to
Liz. He'll talk to Max about it. I'll get some scraps like a dog at the dinner
table, if I'm lucky.
And as much as I hate her, it's not rational. And I know it. She didn't ask to
get into a car accident. She didn't ask to have me as her doctor. Or Liz as
Kaela's doctor. And as much as it kills me to say, I believe her when she said
she was sorry. Something about her, about her eyes, told me that it was the
truth. She had a nervous breakdown for Christ's sake! This was not something
that she wanted to happen. And she's caught in it, just like the rest of us.
But…she is Maria. His Maria. And the mother of his child.
I feel so alone right now. I can't talk to Liz about this. I can't talk to Max
about this. And so far, Michael is out of the question. I can't vent to anyone.
Funny, that's probably how she's felt these past seven years. Alone. Without a
soul to talk to.
God, why do the two of us seem to have parallel lives?
* * * * *
The past week has been crazy, to say the least. I'm surprised we are all still
functioning, relatively speaking. And who to feel bad for? Michael? Maria? Kate?
Take your pick. Actually, it's not a contest. It's Michael. In a week, his life
has been turned upside down. And I'm afraid he may retreat into that 'Stonewall'
that he used to be.
Kate left for Seattle two days ago. It killed him to watch her leave, but he did
it. He hasn't been too specific on details, I imagine Liz knows more than I do,
but they had a difficult time talking about it. What I do know is that she told
him that all of them needed space to think this out. To understand what they are
feeling and what's going on. And I know Michael. I know that in his own way, he
begged her to stay. But I also know Kate. And if he didn't give her enough, she
would leave. And she left.
She was right, though. Michael doesn't know what he's feeling. Hell, none of us
know what we are feeling. The news is just too incredible for words. Alex,
Isabel and Tess were finally told, and Isabel is not speaking to any of us right
now. She's so upset that she wasn't told immediately. Part of me is afraid that
every time I hear a knock on the door, she's going to come barreling in, full
anger in tow. I know Alex has been able to calm her down, somewhat. And
personally, I think he's afraid to come right now. The news must have brought
him back in time, to his own breakdown. She's Iz, and she'll forgive us, but I
hope I don't have to deal with her wrath for a while.
But Michael. He's just lost. He loves Kate, he really does, but he can't deny
that Maria is/was a part of his life. And he has no idea what he feels for her.
He's happy that she's alive. He is. And I'm hoping that guilt that he felt,
well, that we all felt, will go away. Because Maria was right. She did make the
decision. And we all hate Nasedo for 'helping' her into her decision, but Maria
was a big girl. And she chose to stay away from us. And Michael hates that. And
I don't know if he can forgive her for that. Forgive her for keeping his family
away from her. Forgive her for sending him into this pit of despair and void
that was his life for years. And the one thing that started to pull him out of
it, aside from Amy, is in Seattle.
He's a wreck. A silent, Michael-wreck. The one thing that is so amazing is the
way he handles things these days. He's not the same smash-'em-up guy that he
used to be. It's more silent now. And when it gets really bad, he turns to Liz.
Or to me. I'm not even jealous that he turns to Liz most of the time, first.
Because I know. I know what it's like to have Liz around to help you out. And,
usually after talking to Liz, he comes to me. And we talk about whatever is
bothering him. I know that between Kate being gone, knowing about Maria and
Kaela, and giving Maria space regarding Kaela and Amy…it's killing him. He wants
so badly to call Amy. To erase the pain that he swears he caused her. To give
her Maria back. But he's not going to. And Kaela…that's the subject he's
tight-lipped on right now. Even Liz doesn't know that much. He has a family, an
adorable daughter that he's been asked to stay away from, basically. And that's
killing him more than he'll ever admit. I'd bet the farm that Maria is the only
person who actually knows what he's feeling regarding this.
Maria. So much is the same and so much is different. Liz and I have been over
there twice in the past week. Kaela…god, she's adorable. And so much like
Michael and Maria. She's definitely a mini-Maria, at least with her motor mouth.
But the stubbornness…pure Michael. Not that Maria wasn't stubborn. But thinking
back on the young Michael that I knew…it's in her. And her eyes are his eyes. I
can only imagine what it must have been like for Maria to look into those eyes
every day. It's confusing to Kaela, all that she's learning, but she seems to be
taking it in stride. Maria says she's so happy to have all of these new 'aunts'
and 'uncles.' She's definitely into Kyle. And she has him wrapped around her
finger. And watching Maria as a mother-she's really great at it. Kaela just
adores her.
I haven't told Michael yet, but Maria has slowly started mentioning him to her.
She doesn't even have to say it…that she wants Michael to be in Kaela's life.
But she has expressed it to us both times we were there. I think, soon, she's
going to arrange some sort of introduction. Liz offered to have a dinner party
before Kyle leaves…Maria's thinking about it. And I can tell that it's for
Kaela's sake, her apprehension. She wants to do this, and she wants to do it as
painless as possible. I want to tell her it's not really possible, but I can't.
It's her daughter, and so far, she seems to know what's best for her.
So, for now, life is just a bit weird. And Liz feels so torn. Kate is gone, and
she feels like she's not a good enough friend. Like she's choosing Maria over
Kate. And she's dealing with Michael. And on top of that, her own emotions. She
still apologizes for not saying anything right away. I've already forgiven her.
I have. Because she was right. I probably would have said something to Michael.
And when it comes to Liz, she protects those that she loves. And she knew…she
knew that Maria was fragile. And she did the best that she could to try and
protect her.
But, and I've told her this before, everything is going to be okay. I know she
wants to believe it, but she's still a bit skeptical. And Michael, well, he
looks at me like I'm high on drugs or something. And I can't blame him. With
what his life is like right now, I doubt things really seem to be looking up.
But, he's going to be okay. Because he has all of us.
* * * * *
The phone call shocked me. Shocked me completely, and yet my heart leapt for
joy. Because for the first time since I've known about Kaela, Maria is really
reaching out. I can't believe it. She asked for space regarding Kaela and I gave
it to her. Grudgingly. And in return-I got to watch my daughter play soccer this
morning. She scored a goal. And we went out for pizza.
It was a little after 8 a.m. Sleep hasn't really been a luxury that I've known
these past weeks. My life is in disarray. My house is in disarray. Katie's
neatness had degenerated into a confusion of unwashed paint-stained clothing,
barely touched and rotting take-out containers, and unfinished canvasses
splattered with confused images of hope, anger and grief. I can't make heads or
tails about what I am feeling. About what is going on in my life. I feel torn.
Suffice to say, sleep doesn't happen much.
When the phone rang, I let the machine pick it up. And then I heard her voice.
"Um, Michael. It's, uh, Maria-" I practically dove for the phone. This is the
first time she has ever called since…well, since she's been 'alive.' Fear hit
me, of course. Kaela. Something's wrong with Kaela. It was irrational, of
course, but it didn't feel any less real.
"Hello? Is everything okay?" Please be okay…
"Oh, um, yeah. Everything is fine." Okay, I could breathe again. Inhale, exhale.
"I just wanted to, uh, let you know that Kaela has a
soccer game today at 10:30
a.m.…and I wanted to…see if you wanted to come."
If I wanted to come? If I wanted to come and watch my daughter play soccer? No…I
was thinking of doing some laundry…
"Yeah, that would be great." Utterly fantastic, if you must know.
"Um, okay. Do you know where Davison Middle School is?"
"Kind of."
She told me how to get there, and I don't think I've ever written directions
down so fast in my entire life. Thank god I could actually read what I wrote.
"Well, then, I'll see you there."
"Okay. And Maria?"
"Yeah?"
"Thanks."
"Sure."
The phone clicked and as I was making my way to the bedroom, I caught my
reflection. I required a shower and prayed that I would find something clean to
wear. As if she would care what I was wearing, but I want to impress my
daughter. My daughter. I let those two words roll off my tongue a billion times
a day. I'm still trying to understand all of my feelings. And I'm totally
nervous about today. Nervous about watching a bunch of six-year olds play
soccer.
Most of my Kaela reports have come through Liz or Max. There was supposed to be
some dinner party planned where I could see her, but it fell through. But she's
infatuated with Liz. And I'm jealous…jealous that they've been spending time
with her. I don't know how many times in the past two weeks Liz has calmed me
down, saying, "It will happen, Michael. Just give it some time. You are going to
have to trust her on this." Trust her? After everything? But I did it. It
sucked. I hated it. But I did it.
I was slowly losing it, though. It's not like life has been rosy these past two
weeks. I miss Katie. And I'm trying not to be mad at her for just leaving…but
it's hard. And I know that we need space. That all of us need space to figure
this out…but she's two thousand miles away and I don't know how that much space
is going to help. At least she's enjoying her work, so far. Not that it makes
things any easier. Not that I made things any easier. No matter what I want to
tell her…I can't get the words out.
I don't know what's going on in my life right now. But at least some things are
looking up.
~~~
So I met Max and Liz at the soccer field. We made our way to the bleachers, and
I took a seat next to Max. From their expressions, they must have known that
Maria had invited me. At first I didn't see Kaela or Maria, but I soon found
them near the rest of her team. Maria was braiding her hair and by the looks of
it, Kaela was fighting her every step of the way. She kept swatting at Maria's
hands. Maria finally finished and Kaela shot her a death-glare. I watched
Maria's annoyed demeanor, shaking her head in frustration at Liz, as she hiked
up the steps of the bleachers. She froze when she saw me.
"Hey."
"Hey."
"Um, I'm glad you came."
"Thanks…for inviting me." And an awkward silence.
Maria sat down next to Liz, muttering, "I'm going to kill her. She is such a
pain right now." Liz and Max laughed at the rant. I wanted to, but something
stopped me.
"What's going on?" Maria rolled her eyes at Liz and began. "I don't know. But
whatever I tell her, she wants, or does the opposite. Like this morning. I made
her cinnamon French toast. She loves it. Especially for a soccer game. But this
morning, she took one look at it, and just turned her nose up. "I don't want
that." Then, she would not let me do her hair before we left the house. Would
not let me do it. I was ready to tackle her down there. She's just so…so…"
She stopped her rant. God, it was Maria, with wild hand gestures coloring her
little tirade. And it was cute. Cute to picture a willful little girl. My
willful little girl. I watched as they got into position on the field. I've
never watched little kids play soccer. I have a feeling this is going to be
interesting.
"Actually," she continued, "I know what's wrong. She's upset because I told her
we might not be here this summer. And when she asked me if she would get to see
Nathan, I told her probably not. And now…well, now…she's a little monster."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She wasn't going to be here this summer?
What the hell does that mean?! What is she thinking? Is like a 'last hurrah' to
see my kid or something? What is going on? She's not telling me anything and-
"So does this mean what I think it means?" What a sec…what does Liz know that I
don't know? I mean, she was the first person I called after talking to Maria
this morning and she hasn't said anything to me regarding this.
"Yeah. I think so. Roswell isn't so bad in the summer." I look over at Maria,
but she's looking at the field. They're starting. Roswell. She's going to
Roswell this summer? To her mom. Wow. That's something I didn't expect.
Actually…I don't have a clue as to what to expect from her. She's doing a great
job of shocking me so far.
~~~
The game was great. And funny. Little kids playing soccer-who knew how funny
that was going to be. Sometimes they know what they are doing, and other times,
they are looking at the field, looking at the coaches, or just standing there.
But…Kaela…what a little firecracker. After she scored her goal, she looked into
the stands to find Maria. Not that we all weren't beaming and cheering over her
goal, but…she wanted to see her mom's reaction. And Maria did some cheering
thing that I guess she and Kaela know about. Looked weird to me.
After the game, I trailed behind Max and Liz to the field. Kaela was talking to
Maria a mile-a-minute about the game, six year old pride in her voice. She
looked over at me at one point, then back to Maria. Maria took her by the hand
and walked over to me.
"Peanut, you remember me telling you about Michael, don't you?" WHAT?! Telling
he about me?
She answered, shyly. "Yeah." Just adorable. Wild hair and everything.
"Howl, he's also a friend of mommy's from school? Just like Max and Liz." Maria
looked at me, finally, and smiled.
"Really?" She looked to Maria, then to me.
I smiled. "Yeah. Your mom, Max, Liz and I go way back." She smiled at me.
"So you coming to pizza with us?" I don't know…depends on your mom…
Maria acknowledged it was okay. My heart did a flip-flop. "Yeah. I'm coming to
pizza."
"Cool. Cuz I love pizza. Especially with lots and lots of red pepper. Do you
like red pepper? It's the best. Mommy says I put too much on, but you can never
have too much pepper. You can try some of mine if you want to. It's really good.
I promise."
My heart was melting at every word that she squished together in that one
breath. I have no idea what I looked like, but my insides were mush. Gooey mush.
Life isn't perfect, but it's getting better.