She Falls Apart
By Reena ([email protected])

Rating: Oh, 'R' to be safe…
Category: Future Fic, M/M
Summary: A few years into the future, Maria makes a decision that changes 
everything for everyone. Seven years later, it comes back to haunt her.
Spoilers: Some early Season 2 spoilers 
Disclaimer: These are not my characters. Just borrowing for fun. Metz/WB owns 
them. -Author's Notes: This is a big, fat, angsty "little" story. Parts of the 
story were borrowed from other amazing fics posted on the board. I've "borrowed" 
Donna's 'Maria-tying-her-shoelaces' painting from "Souls Divided" (hope ya don't 
mind…) and the fairy reference…that too. Oh, and charliej having Liz smoke 
because it was perfect. Whatever I left out…tell me. Got to give credit where 
it's due…And, of course, my beta-reader Tim who honestly made this story what it 
is…Thanks… 

* * * * *
I should be resting. I need the rest. But I can't. Instead I am lying here, with 
eyes open, just thinking of how I need my life to go back to normal. It always 
feels "off" when he's gone. Well, gone for his bi-annual "guilt trek" as I call 
it. But I have to respect it. I accepted him, warts and all when I married him 
and he made it clear to me that this was something that he had to do. And so, 
twice a year, I'm a freak while he's gone. 

To top it off, a patient is really bothering me. A mother/daughter hit-and-run 
two days ago. I took the mother, Lauren Barrett, in the emergency room, while my 
best friend took her daughter. Her daughter is doing surprisingly well…I thought 
she was worse off, but Liz says she's doing great. Lauren still hasn't opened 
her eyes. I can't explain why I need her to be okay. I've lost patients before, 
but something about her screamed to me. Maybe because she's my age…I don't know. 
But she made it through surgery. I just want her to be okay.
One hour. I have one hour before I am back on the floor, doing my rounds. Lauren 
will be my first, followed by her daughter. And he comes home tomorrow. I'll be 
better tomorrow. I just wish he'd let it all go. The guilt that he feels for 
destroying that woman's world. I desperately want to tell him that he can't help 
who he is, but he's unreachable. He just wants to make amends for what happened. 

Seven years ago. 

I know he loves me. And he always comes back to me. I just wish he'd let me come 
with him when he visits her. Just to see her. Whatever happens those few days, 
he keeps to himself. When comes back to me, he's just my husband. Maybe that's 
why I don't pry about it. For a few days out of the year, he goes back to being 
whoever he was in the past. If that's what he needs to get by, I'll give it to 
him. I love him enough to let him be. Because in the end, he's with me.
Damn! They never let you sleep enough, do they?
"Dr. Guerin, you're patient is awake."

* * * * *

The plane ride home is the only solace I find in these trips. Why I make them, I 
don't know…okay, I know. But I am waiting for the day when I don't feel the need 
to go back to Roswell and see her. Just to make sure she's doing okay. Because 
of what I did to her. What I took from her. Thank god Katie doesn't pry about 
these trips. I don't have the heart to tell her what it feels like to see her 
and her eyes, reminding me of what once was.

She's been doing better, though. At first it was hard for her to accept. All of 
us to accept. But we have somehow managed to pull through it. She's married now. 
Well, she's been married for two years now and he's good to her. And she kind of 
has a son. His son. And he allows her to be a mother to him, in a sense. It 
makes her happy and it's nice to see her as I knew her all those years ago. 

I still cannot believe it's been seven years since it happened. I know Max and 
Liz and Iz think I am crazy for doing this. Well, Liz probably understands the 
most. She always has. For some strange reason, she and I can read each other 
fairly well. I'd say that second to Max, I know her the best. She offered to 
come this time, but I can't have her there. It's my time with her. Remembering 
things the way they used to be, when we were all happy. 

How that time came to a crashing halt, I still don't know. Why it came to a 
crashing halt…because I was the Second. I remember telling Max that just being 
who I was…was going to hurt her. I was right. The words still ring in my ears 
sometimes. My life ended that night. I should have immediately known what was 
wrong. Nasedo looked almost…apologetic.

"I'm sorry, Michael. Maria is dead."

I died that night. And I didn't recover for four years.

* * * * *

I can vaguely remember what got me here. My entire body aches and opening my 
eyes felt like the most difficult task. Someone was near me and then abruptly 
left. It took me a few seconds to realize I was in a hospital bed. And now a 
panic so severe is completely infecting me. I need to know-

"Hello, Lauren. It's great to see you awake! I was worried about you. By the 
way, I'm Dr. Guerin."

Guerin. Did she just say Guerin? Breathe. Oh my god-

"My daughter. Is she... I mean, did she..." Oh god, if anything happened to 
Peanut…

"She's fine. We were worried about both of you for a little while, but your 
daughter is making an amazing recovery. She's one lucky girl. Dr. Evans has been 
taking great care of her."

I can breathe again. It hurts some, but I don't care. She's okay. She's okay. 
She's okay.

"Lauren, are you okay?" 

I didn't even realize I was sobbing. I finally manage to mumble out a "yeah." 
Why am I here?

"Your daughter must get her 'luck' gene from you. It was a bit touch-and-go with 
you, but you made it through surgery with flying colors."
She proceeds to tell me about what has happened to me: some broken ribs, cuts, 
scrapes, that kind of thing. The worry was from my concussion and enlarged 
spleen. They were afraid they would have to remove it, hence the surgery. It's 
intact. It's hard for me to focus on what she's saying. Between my baby, and the 
words "Guerin" and "Evans," I'm in a tailspin. 

I finally glance down at her left hand. A wedding band. I feel the tears welling 
inside my eyes, but I know that they aren't going anywhere. I don't even know if 
it's the same "Guerin" but I have not heard that name in seven years. Odds are 
not in my favor. And Evans? 

"I don't care about me, Dr. Guerin. I'm sorry. I just need to know about my 
daughter." His daughter.

She smiles at me. She's quite pretty. "Of course. I'll send Dr. Evans in to tell 
you about her, and maybe if she's up to it, she can visit. I'm sorry, but I'm 
going to need you to just rest in that bed for a while. You've been through a 
lot, and you need your strength. Now, I just want to do a few tests, if you 
don't mind."

* * * * *

Maria. Two nights ago a hit-and-run involving a mother and daughter came into 
the emergency room, and while Kate took the mother, I worked on the daughter. 
Michaela. And I would swear on my life that she's the spitting image of a 
younger Maria. Motor-mouth and all. Or maybe I just wish she was because it 
would mean that Maria's still alive. That she didn't die. That we all didn't 
lose a part of ourselves that night.

Maybe it's just that I know Michael is with Amy now, his "guilt trek" as Kate 
puts it. It's funny how she has somehow filled the Maria-hole in our lives. 

Well, Michael's, Max's and mine. I met her in med school, she was in my group. I 
don't know what it was about her, but we clicked instantly. She's not Maria, I 
know, and she's not really like Maria. Except that she can hold her own in an 
argument with Michael. But Max felt it, too. There was something special about 
her. It's funny how long it took her to meet Michael. But after they came back, 
he was still a shell of a human being. He retreated into himself, again. Max and 
I didn't see a lot of him for a while. And Max wouldn't push it. 

"He's been through a lot Liz. Between losing Maria and his family, he's just 
lost. He'll come around. But this time, he needs to be left alone."
God, Michael had been through a lot. Maria's death. It still pains me to say 
those words. Then going back home to fight the aliens. It was something they all 
welcomed, in a sick sort of way. Maria's death was from the Skin's Second. A 
warning to Michael. So when time came to fight them on the home planet, it 
wasn't about their "destiny." It was revenge. Alex, Kyle and I were put in a 
protective custody after we heard of Maria. We didn't even get to grieve with 
each other. Nasedo and Valenti just ripped us away from them. 

I know it was for our own protection, and at least the three of us got to grieve 
together. But I needed Max and Isabel and Michael…even Tess. We needed to grieve 
together. But we couldn't. And we didn't. How do you lose one of the most 
important people in your life and not grieve properly? How do you get through 
that? Max told me that Michael spent all of his time with Nasedo. His only 
explanation was, "The human in me is dead, Max." 

I have promised Max up and down that I would quit smoking, but I can't. At least 
I keep it here, most of the time, up on the roof at the hospital. Seeing Kaela 
has really brought back memories. Good and bad. Maria and I playing dress up 
with her mom's clothes-

"Hey. Thought I'd find you up here."

* * * * *

Aha! Partner in crime.

"Can I bum one off of you?" Liz kills me. She has promised Max countless times 
that she'd quit smoking, and he's even asked me to convince her. Little does he 
know…

"Yeah." She seems-remote. Maybe she's in Maria-mode.

"Lauren is awake." Liz smiles. She felt the same way about Kaela as I did about 
Lauren. For some reason, we both felt the need to save them. "How's Kaela?" I 
didn't see her after I left Lauren. I tried to find Liz, and when there was no 
sign of her, I knew where to check. The roof is our special place to just be 
free…and smoke. Liz says it's left-over from her old room in Roswell. I just 
love being outside.

Liz laughs. "She's doing amazingly well. Quite a little chatterbox, too. I think 
I may take her to see her mother if she's doing okay?"

"Yeah. She'd like that. It's the only thing she cares about. I don't even think 
she was listening when I explained what happened to her…I probably wouldn't be 
listening either. She's a fighter." Something about Lauren actually screamed 
'fighter.'

"Same with her daughter. Reminds me of Maria."

Maria. Sometimes that name bothers me, sometimes it doesn't. Depends on the 
context. But Maria-mode seems to be going around these days, and I can't deny 
their feelings. She was an important part of them all. Love of Michael's life. 
Liz's best friend. She and Max were also great friends. For some reason, Liz 
doesn't mind mentioning her in front of me. Almost as though she doesn't want to 
hide that from me…that part of her life.

"How?" Michael is always far and few with details when it comes to Maria. One of 
those things I accepted.

Liz gets reflective for a while. "Well, she's a blonde with twinkly eyes and a 
chatterbox. When Maria and I were little, you couldn't shut her up. But you 
loved her rambling. It was what made her Maria. And this little girl can 
certainly talk her heart out. But she wants the same thing as her mother-to see 
her." 

A pager goes off, and I'm glad it's Liz's. "I'll leave the pack for you." Evil. 

"Talk to you later. Do you think Lauren is up for a visit in the near future?"
I laugh this time. "Wild horses couldn't prevent it." Liz leaves and I go for 
another cigarette. Michael hates my smoking too, but he's not asking me to quit. 

One of the things he's accepted about me--I do what I want.
Maria. It's like I know her, and I don't. In a roundabout way, I'm living her 
life. I'm with the man she loved, Liz is my best friend, and Max is a good 
friend. I owe her a lot, though. She is what made Michael who he is today. 
Michael is the first to admit it, too. Love, trust, faith, honesty, all of it, 
he learned through her. I don't live in her shadow, though. Michael loves *me.* 

The first time we met was at an opening of one of his shows. Liz dragged me 
along because Max couldn't make it and she figured I could use a study break. So 
I went. And I was entranced by what I saw. Raw emotion on canvas. Stunning. But 
there were two that caught my attention. A young girl trying to tie shoelaces 
and a fairy. I kept coming back to them. Michael approached me.

"You keep coming back to these. Why?" Yeah, he was still rude. And hot. Liz had 
carefully left out the babe-factor attached to 'the elusive' Michael. I hoped I 
didn't drool too much over him. He laughs at that when we talk about it. He says 
he knew. Yeah, right. Mr. Oblivious knew.

"They're out of place." The look on his face was almost dangerous.

"What do you mean by that?" And defensive.

"How much are they?" I wanted them. There was something about them that was pure 
and tender. They were the only paintings in the gallery with care attached to 
them. The others felt like explosions on canvas. These felt like-love.

"They're not for sale." His response was quick, defensive, and adamant. I knew 
there was no amount of money that was going to get them off that wall. Then he 
turned and walked away from me.

Two days later I bumped into him at a coffee shop and he actually apologized for 
his behavior. He said he didn't realize I was "Liz's Kate" and that he is 
defensive when it comes to those paintings. When I asked him why he said they 
were from a happier time in his life. We talked a few more minutes, then I had 
to get back to studying. But I managed to get his number. We took off from there 
and were married a year and a half later. 

Yes, I'm literally counting the hours until he comes home.

* * * * *

I wish I could explain to Katie why I have to see Amy and why she can't come. 
Amy is happy for me, I know that. When I told her I was seeing someone, she 
smiled at me, clasping my hands into hers. "Maria would be happy." Her comment 
shocked me. She must have known that because she continued. "Michael, she would 
never forgive herself if you didn't move on. It's been a long time, and you 
deserve it. You really do." If I had been Maria, I would have started crying at 
the comment, but I smiled at her instead. Probably because a part of me 
envisioned a blonde whirlwind kicking my butt if I didn't move forward. Most 
likely followed by a "didn't I teach you anything, Spaceboy?" I thanked her. She 
revealed that she was pretty sure that she and Valenti would get married in the 
future. 

Valenti. Talk about conflicted emotions. Maria's death really affected him. He 
had become pretty attached to her by the time "it" happened. She really liked 
him-sort of a father figure. And Kyle. Yeah, Kyle. After Max saved him, he was 
slowly let into the circle. Obviously by Liz, but also by Maria, who I later 
learned threatened him repeatedly to make sure he never told our secret. When I 
asked her about it, she got that twinkle in her eyes. We were back together at 
this point. "Well, first I'd ask Isabel to dream-walk him…torturing him…then I'd 
make sure that you made sure he had a rash for a good two weeks…then maybe…" The 
voice continued. She drove me crazy. The weirdest part about being in the car 
with her on the way to Marathon had more to do with the fact that I had never 
been around someone that could talk that much-and most of it was interesting. 
Probably because of the expressions she brought along with it. 

Isabel was floored when I started my visits to Amy. I think she was upset that 
she couldn't reach me. Even though we weren't ever going to be together, she 
will always make it her responsibility to be the one to shock me back to 
reality. She's the reason I fought for Maria after leaving her at the UFO 
Center. She's the reason we moved in together. She tried so hard to reach me 
after the death, but I would only be around Nasedo. The only time his cold 
demeanor was welcomed. I learned about home, the war, what was expected of me. 
We trained together. Because when the time came, I was going to kill them all. 
Revenge was the only thing on my mind. 

The truth is that Amy was the one who started to bring me back. She was really 
the only one who could understand that Maria was all I had. She found me at 
Maria's grave one evening, it had been a few months, and we just cried together. 
The second time I ever cried in front of a woman. Both were DeLuca's. It was so 
hard to see her, knowing that I was the reason that her daughter was dead. Amy 
didn't feel that way. "She loved you, Michael. She would never blame you. And 
out of respect for my baby, I can't either." She said it matter-of-factly, but 
something in her eyes told me it was the truth. Time passed a bit, and I was 
still dead inside, but Amy wouldn't let it take me over. And somehow, on Maria's 
birthday and the anniversary of her death, I would visit Amy.

It was the second time I visited Amy after meeting Katie that I talked to Amy 
about Katie. She and Valenti were engaged at this point and I knew that 
something was real with Katie. It's funny, if you met her, "Katie" would not be 
the name you would use. Kate or Kat. She hates Kat. But she has a strength about 
her that makes "Katie" seem youthful, maybe even inappropriate. It's her 
favorite nickname, though. "Keeps me young." Yeah, right! I have powers, and 
this woman could out-run, out-hike, and out-bike me…I'm the one who's gonna be 
"Mikey" in a few years. Amy wanted to know about Katie, and I felt myself just 
talking about her. And it was pretty easy. We were invited to the wedding, but I 
couldn't bring Katie, yet. And she understood. I swear, she understands too 
much. But I love her for it. She accepted me, and I accepted her. 
"Ladies and gentlemen please fasten your seats for landing."

Home. Back to Katie. I'm surprising her this time, coming in a bit early. She's 
probably at the hospital, on the roof, smoking. I don't even think I'll go home 
first. I just want to see my wife right now and remind myself that I am lucky to 
have found her and love again. She's not Maria, but she doesn't try to be. And I 
love her for it. 

* * * * *

I don't know how life works, but I feel twists in the road ahead. And I have a 
bad feeling about what lies ahead. Hospitals give you too much free time to 
think. They are boring and I have nothing to do but sit here watching crap on 
T.V. and bugging every nurse for information on my Peanut. The last time I had 
this much free time was during my pregnancy. But those thoughts were dark…and I 
don't want to go back to that place any time soon. It was too lonely, too 
frightening, too…pick your thesaurus word…

The reason I don't like a lot of free time is that I go back to the reason I 
came here. Why my life is how it is. It's amazing how everything can change in 
the blink of an eye and the kinds of decisions you make when you are forced to. 
Tough decisions. Decisions that haunt you every day of your life. 
It just happened one night. We were all at the University of New Mexico in 
Albuquerque; we couldn't seem to tear ourselves away from home-from each other. 
Michael and I were living together in the cutest little house that we could 
barely afford. But it gave him space for his art and it was so open…we both 
loved that house. So I came home from classes one evening, Michael was still at 
the school studio, turned on the stove to boil some water for my tea. Then I 
remembered that I had left my lit book in the car, so I went to get it. I don't 
know what happened, but I just remember hearing something loud and heat knocking 
me off my feet.

When I came to, Nasedo was over me, healing me. I felt like lead, and I was hot 
and sore. He told me to just close my eyes. A bit later I was feeling better, 
but I was still exhausted. His words pulled me out of my daze and into another 
one.

"You're going to be fine, Maria. The baby made it. You are going to need rest."
Baby? Baby? Baby? I was in complete shock. "Baby?" I blurted out to him. He 
looked at me funny, then stated, "You're pregnant. Oh, I see. You did not know." 
I was never comfortable around him. He was too…sterile…for me. Void of anything 
comfortable. 

I had no idea I was pregnant. Michael and were careful…well pretty careful…and I 
wasn't late. "Are you sure?" Maybe he missed something in his 'scanning.' He 
brushed his hand down my abdomen again. "Yes." Pregnant. With. Michael's. Baby. 
I was pregnant with a part alien baby at twenty. I remember thinking over and 
over that I was twenty and pregnant and my mother was going to kill me. Then a 
larger question came out. "What happened here?"

"From what I can gather, the Skin's second-in-command tried to kill you to send 
a warning to Michael-" Somebody was trying to kill us, kill me…

"Michael, oh my god, Michael. Is he…is he…--" Nasedo cut me off.

"They are all fine, right now. I have called an emergency meeting-"
It was finally real. The Skins. We have had some encounters, but nothing like 
this. I needed to see Michael, to see everyone. "I'm feeling better, let's go." 

"I do not think that is wise, Maria. You need rest." He was right, I was still 
exhausted. I also remember thinking how Liz and Kyle were fine after Max healed 
them, but I felt like my body had been through war. "No, Nasedo, I need 
Michael." Like emotions were something he knew. 

"Maria, listen to me. I think you should be dead." The fear that welled up 
inside of me was overwhelming. He quickly calmed it, if you can call it that. 
And that's when I began my new life. He helped me into a car and was driving me 
somewhere while he explained his 'logic.' 

Nasedo felt that if I was 'dead', the Skins would feel that they were successful 
and the possibility of other targets would be minimal. Other targets? Then it 
hit me. Liz. Nasedo kept going. The Skins give warnings in the form of killing 
the most beloved of their enemy. My 'death' was a warning to Michael. Liz could 
be a warning to Max. And my pregnancy would make Michael even more vulnerable 
than ever before. There would be another attempt. If I was 'dead' there would be 
no harm to the baby. I was reeling from Nasedo's words and what words I knew 
were coming.

I wasn't wrong. Nasedo took me to some house, and led me to a bed, instructing 
me to get my rest. "I have to separate everyone. The humans must be kept away 
from 'the four' at all costs. For now, you will be dead. They will all agree to 
the arrangement due to their shock. My first and only priority is to protect 
them. I will return later when I am certain that they are safe. Michael is going 
to be a problem, so it may take a while. Rest. There is no phone, and you cannot 
contact anyone. We will discuss more later on. Just remember this, Maria. It is 
my opinion that you remaining dead to everyone will be the best for everyone in 
the long run. You now have a baby to think about." And with that, he was out the 
door.

I hated him. I hated him so much. The tears just came, uncontrollably. I was 
'dead', alone and pregnant. I was ready to fight him with everything I had in 
me, when the realization of his words hit me. If I was alive, then Michael would 
be vulnerable. And with the baby, his baby, who knows what they would do. And 
Liz and Alex and Max and…everyone was a target. I really needed my mom during 
this time. And then I realized that she, too, could be a target.

If I was dead, then maybe there would be no more attempts on anyone's life. 
Michael would be safe. The baby would definitely be safe. Everyone could be safe 
for a while. The warning would be successful. And little by little all thoughts 
came to the same thing: the baby. Michael's baby. I couldn't let anything happen 
to the baby. Maybe I could be dead for a while, until it was safe, and then 
maybe…

I fell asleep, thoughts swarming in my head. The only clear thought when I woke 
up was that it was too dangerous for everyone if I was alive. Hindsight makes my 
logic seem twisted, but at the time, it was all clear. Nasedo was there when I 
woke up. Everyone was okay. Liz, Alex and Kyle were somewhere with my mom and 
Valenti while Nasedo had 'the four' somewhere else. I desperately wanted to ask 
him how they were doing, but he couldn't answer me. He was not human, and he 
would give some clinical response that had no feeling in it. So I don't know how 
everyone was at that point. He finally turned to me and said, "Your death has 
upset everyone more than I had anticipated. Michael is worse than I thought, but 
everyone is looking after him. As for the humans, their response was 
predictable. Very emotional." Bastard. I hate you. Those were the two thoughts 
that accompanied his 'explanation.' 

"Maria, have you made a decision?"

"Yes. I have to protect the baby." And I sat there and cried in front of Nasedo, 
who couldn't have cared less.

"It's the right decision." As though I had picked the best pair of shoes for an 
outfit.

And so it came to be that I left Maria DeLuca behind and became Lauren Barrett. 
Nasedo had me out of New Mexico in a few days. Our first stop was Ohio. I really 
don't remember where. I actually don't remember a lot about what was going on 
during the pregnancy. I was depressed, thinking about everything and everyone I 
had left behind. I ate because the baby needed strength. I slept for the baby. I 
walked around for the baby. But my mind was blank. Images of Michael, Liz, Max, 
Isabel, Alex, Tess, Kyle, my Mom, Valenti, of my life, passed through me. And I 
had Nasedo who would check on me every now and then. He had set me up for life. 
ID, birth certificate, Social Security Card, you name it. I was also, 
financially, set for life. 

When I asked him why he was doing this for me, he simply stated, "For the 
Second. My job is to protect them. You are carrying his child, so the protection 
naturally extends to you." I still hated him, and yet I owed him because he 
saved my life and the baby's. For two years, Nasedo was the closest thing I had 
to a connection with them. We did not talk about them. I couldn't. He would just 
stop by every now and again to make sure that I had everything I needed. One 
time he looked at Peanut, stating, "She has her father's eyes." The last time I 
ever saw him, he came to tell me that they were going home to fight. If I never 
saw him again, I should assume he was dead. And then he detailed how my finances 
and everything were taken care of. That was almost five years ago. I know he's 
dead. 

When Michaela Elizabeth was born, the darkness seemed to fade. She was 
beautiful, with a spiky head of fuzz and bright blue eyes. They eventually 
turned, into his hazel eyes. She retained my blonde hair, and most of my 
features. Taking care of her and raising her slowly brought love and joy back 
into my life. After her birth, it was easy to put Maria DeLuca away. I became 
Lauren, the quiet young woman with a young daughter who seems nothing like her. 

In some ways, I have become Michael. I left people I loved because it wasn't 
safe. I took no one else's feelings into consideration and just did my own 
thing. I walked away with no looking back. And now I'm the tight-lipped one with 
the chatterbox as my love. 

The only memory I like to linger one is of the last night Michael and I spent 
together. It was after midnight when he came home from the studio and I was 
finishing up in the shower. He was getting ready to join me when I yelled at him 
through the curtain, "You are not coming in here. Have you seen our last water 
bill?! We cannot afford any more "quality time" in the shower. You just wait 
your turn-" He cut me off by stepping in and kissing me. Then he smiled, saying, 

"I call it money well spent." And then we 'spent some more money.'

* * * * *

I used to worry about mentioning Maria in front of Kate, and then I realized 
that Maria is a part of me, and I have to celebrate her. I actually think Kate 
appreciates the fact that I am not guarded about her and that I am willing to 
talk about her. I know she doesn't learn a lot from Michael, which bothers her, 
but she will never press him for information. God, I'm still thinking of Maria! 

New thoughts, Liz, new thoughts.

No such luck. I'm staring at Kaela, who's talking a mile-a-minute about her 
friend Nathan at school. We're en route to see her mother, and she's practically 
bouncing down the halls. It reminds me of how Maria used to move around, 
actually dance around. As we approach Lauren's room, I lean down to tell her how 
to behave.

"Kaela, you mom is still tired, so we are going to have to be gentle with her, 
okay?" Her eyes reflect an understanding as she nods her head and I continue. 

"You can sit on the bed with her, and I'll let you give her a few soft hugs. How 
does that sound?" 

She smiles at me and I notice she has lost her front tooth. "Can I kiss her, 
too?" 

"Yeah, you can kiss her too." This kid was just too cute.

I can feel the excitement that Kaela has bouncing inside of her as I open the 
door to Lauren's room. For a moment, I think about my longing for a child of my 
own. We still don't know if it's possible, and we've been too scared to try. 

Kaela pries her hand from mine and runs towards her mother, screaming, "Mommy." 
I turn to close the door when a voice from the past makes me turn around slowly, 

"Oh, Peanut, I have missed you so much," and time stops.

I am looking at a ghost. The ghost of my best friend hugging her daughter. A 
very alive Maria. I take a large breath, feeling tears begin to well up, and she 
shoots me a look. The shock in her eyes must mirror mine, but she shakes her 
head, looks down at her daughter and mouths, "No." I quickly regain my 
composure, trying to become Dr. Evans, instead of Liz Parker. I should have 
taken a drama class in college.

She is Maria. My Maria. She looks older, but nothing about her has really 
changed. And she is alive and well and sitting in a bed in my hospital with her 
daughter. Michaela. And time freezes again for me. Michaela. I could almost 
swear that she has hazel eyes…and she is the right age…six. Is she…? OH MY GOD. 
How is Michael going to react? And Max? And Kate? And… 
Nothing was making sense.

I approach the bed and become 'Dr. Evans'. "Hello, Ms. Barrett. I am Dr. Evans. 
I took care of your daughter when the two of you were brought in-" Kaela cuts me 
off. She is laying against Maria, holding her hand protectively. "Her name is 
Liz, mommy and she's soooo nice. She's been reading me stories and we colored 
and…" She prattles on for a while. I pay no attention. I just stare at the 
figure in the bed. 

I watch Maria's eyes dance as Kaela rambles on. She is listening to her daughter 
attentively. Or maybe she's in the same daze I am. I don't know. She kisses her 
on the top of her head, and speaks to her in this tone that used to get anyone 
to do anything for her. "Peanut, it's rude to interrupt someone. Remember? We've 
talked about this." Kaela looks guiltily at her mother, then at me. "Sorry, 
Liz." 

I flash Kaela a smile and return my gaze to Maria. "And…And we were worried 
about her at first, but she has been making excellent progress." I don't add 
that her "alien genes" probably helped. "Aside from a concussion and a few 
bruised ribs, she was pretty lucky. And she's making an amazing recovery." Maria 
reacts to my intimation and confirms my suspicions. Kaela is Michael's. And I 
look at Kaela again, wondering how could I have missed those eyes. And I realize 
why I felt such a need to save her two nights ago. 

Maria looks lovingly at her daughter, and slowly to me. "Thank you so much for 
everything you did. She's all I have. I would've died if anything happened to 
her." She sounds so sad. "She's all I have" is ringing in my ear. I have to 
regain my composure. "You were both very lucky." Kaela just looks at her, 
grinning. "Are you tired, mommy? Liz says I have to be gentle because you are 
tired." She gives me a half-smile. "Not too tired for you." Then it occurs to me 
that Max and I can have children. I'm looking at the proof. 

I snap out of my daze and walk to her chart. I have to see for my own eyes that 
she's okay. And she is. She is also making good progress. Kate took very good 
care of her. Kate. I feel like I am drowning. Too many thoughts are swirling 
around in my head and I need air. I need a cigarette. There are so many things I 
need to know, and now is not the time. She needs time with her daughter…she's 
practically clinging to her, protectively. 

"Well, I'll let you both visit for a while. I'll have to take you back soon, 
Kaela, okay?" Both Maria and Kaela look up at me. Maria tells her it's okay and 
Kaela gives me a sad look. "Oh-kay." I feel the urge to hug her, to make sure 
she's real. That she is really here in front of me, alive and well.

Instead, I look her in the eyes. "I'm glad you are okay." I can see the tears 
forming in her eyes. "Thank you." She then mouths to me 'Please don't say 
anything,' and my conflict begins. I need to know more. I nod to her and she 
releases her breath. And I walk out the door.

I need a cigarette. Hell, I need a pack of cigarettes. And air. 

* * * * *

The nurse just took Peanut back to her room, and I'm once again stuck with too 
much free time to think. My past is flooding back upon me faster than I can 
swim. Liz. I just saw Liz. And I'm certain that my doctor is Michael's wife. He 
has a wife. The only thing I ever wished for him is to move on with his life. So 
why do I feel like I have been punched in the stomach?

I'm so conflicted. It took me long enough to put everyone out of my mind…well 
the forefront…and now…now the floodgates are opening. Lizzie. I'm proud of her. 
She's a doctor. And Peanut loves her. Adores her. And she's married to Max. I'm 
so happy for her. I wonder if they have kids? God, I have missed her.

I wonder if she is going to tell anyone…she can't. She can't tell anyone. She 
can't tell Michael. Michael. He will never forgive me for this. Ever. Because 
this time I'm the one who caused the most pain-for everyone. And I can't explain 
it to them in a way that they will understand. I saw it in Liz's eyes. She'll be 
back…demanding to know what happened. And I hate reliving it…I hate it. Because 
I hate the choice I made. I can't regret it…it's too late for that…but I have 
never forgiven myself for it. For leaving them…Michael…Mom…And Michael has a 
family. The one thing he really wanted, and I took it from him. 

And I want to know about everyone. Everyone. I want to know how Liz and Max's 
life is. I want to know how Max is. And Alex, and Isabel, and Kyle and even 
Tess. I want to know about my mom. Is she happy? Is she still with Jim? And 
Michael. My heart has never let him go. How can I? I look into his eyes every 
day. 

Why did this have to happen?! 

Things were fine. I decided to work when Peanut's at school. Nasedo left us very 
comfortable and I have never had a job. I needed to be with Peanut all of the 
time. I was clinging onto her for so long, but never suffocating her. I just 
needed to touch her, to remind me that the past was real and that my life with 
Michael was real. But she's a first-grader now. And I finally felt the need to 
get back into the world. To reclaim myself.

And I am scared. I am so scared to let myself feel again. It's not that I 
haven't had friends or boyfriends. I have. It's just that I always keep them at 
a distance. Because I could lose them. And I have already lost enough for one 
lifetime, thank you very much. I don't even know how many times I almost called 
someone in the beginning. I hung up on my mom, once. It was a *black* day…I was 
around six months pregnant, and my depression was at its low. I just needed to 
hear her voice. I never did it again. 

Once again, decisions about my life are going to be made and I am powerless. I 
can't just get out of this bed and walk away. And I don't know what Liz is going 
to do. And Peanut. My baby. My baby.

Twists in the road ahead? Ha! 'fifty-thousand car pile-up and I'm stuck in 
traffic' is more like it.

* * * * *

It took me a while to find Liz. I wanted to know how the visit with Lauren and 
Kaela went. I finally found her in the employee's lounge, staring out into 
space. I walked over and took a seat across from her, noting the strong smell of 
cigarettes on her. She never smelled like this at work. I've only seen her have 
one or two, tops, outside. This smell…this smell was a good half a pack of 
cigarettes, at least.

"Hey, smoky." I just jarred her out of wherever she was. 

"Oh, hey." She must have been pretty far away, judging from the tone in her 
voice and the way her eyes just popped open. Something is definitely bothering 
her. She seems…rattled by something.

"Okay, Liz, what's up? You seem...off." She is now staring at her cup of coffee. 
Probably very cold coffee. 

"Nothing. I'm just…thinking about stuff." Liar. Big Fat Liar. I know her well 
enough to know 'thinking' versus 'rattled.' This behavior is 'rattled.' I decide 
not to pursue it, for now. She'll probably tell me later, but something in the 
way she is right now tells me that I'm not going to get anywhere. I change the 
topic.

"So how did Kaela's visit with Lauren go?" Okay, now that was definitely a weird 
reaction. It almost seems as though I have accused her of something because she 
was almost 'taken aback' by my question.

She fakes a smile. "Oh, it went fine. Kaela just talked her ear off. Seeing her 
mom seems to have done her a world of good." She's still off…

"And how's Lauren doing?" 

"The charts look good. She's recovering nicely."
I want desperately to ask her what's going on. It has been less than two hours 
since I last saw her, and I am not looking at the same person. Whoever I am 
looking at is not right…and she's trying to play it off. Why would talking about 
Lauren and Kaela upset her? Oh…kids…the "if" topic we have in common. 

We don't know if we can have their children. I think it's been harder for Liz to 
reconcile than it has for me. Even if Michael and I decided to have children, we 
both know it's down the road for us. We're twenty-seven. I don't sleep enough as 
is, I cannot even imagine being a mother right now. But Liz…it's different for 
her. Her heart has belonged to Max for almost ten years and I know she wants 
children. We just don't know what would happen. Would it be normal? Would the 
pregnancy be normal? Would the tests come out okay? We just don't know…it seems 
that no one on the home planet would give them any answers concerning that 
topic. No one was pleased when they announced that they were returning to Earth. 

Michael said, "It just wasn't home. And it's not like I really had a lot to come 
back to, you know? But…they aren't like us…human…and I think something inside of 
me knew I would lose myself forever if I stayed. So we all came back once it was 
over and the new leader was in place." I remember the first time he revealed his 
little 'secret.' It was the Tabasco sauce…no one could possibly like that much 
Tabasco sauce on that much food. It wasn't right. And he just looked at me, like 
he was trying to figure something out. "Katie…we need to talk. I, um, have to 
tell you about something." 

*Something.* That's what he called it. We had been dating for six months. I was 
dying…no sex yet…and I'm a sexual creature. But something about Michael made 
anything worth the wait. I think I was already in love with him at this point. I 
just remember it creeping up on me. I was the one to pursue the relationship. 

For the first two months of our dating, it just seemed like he was along for the 
ride. Then Liz finally confided "the Maria story" to me…and I cried. Granted, 
certain "details" of the story were left out, but the basic gist was 
heart-wrenching. And I realized that maybe he wasn't just going along for the 
ride. We talked a lot when we were together. And we had fun together. Then 
somewhere around five months, he wasn't hesitant anymore. I was his 
"girlfriend." Things heated up in the next month, and then he finally told me 
who he was.

I was shocked. There was no better word to explain my reaction. Maybe disbelief. 
It was a 'stop-the-world-I-want-to-get-off' kind of a reaction. Of course I 
thought he was delusional or crazy. He just kept looking at me, trying to figure 
out my reaction. His eyes told me the truth, though…that he was telling me *the 
truth.* He confessed he had never told anyone before me. Then he told me some of 
"the Maria story." About how her death was "his fault," because of who he was. 
And how his parents were also killed because of who he was. 

You'd think someone telling you that they are an 
'alien-human-hybrid-sent-from-their-home-planet-to-Earth-in-order-to-learn-what-they -need-to-learn-in-order-to-return-to-the-home-planet-and-defeat-the-enemy' 
would be enough to send anyone screaming down the hills and into the loony bin. 

Top it off with actually going back to the home planet, defeating the enemy, 
losing loved ones on the two battlegrounds, then returning…would definitely send 
you over the edge. Nope. But I did run to Liz for confirmation, which she gave 
through completely shocked eyes over the fact that Michael had told me 'so 
soon.' I confessed to Michael I needed some time to process the news and he gave 
it to me. 

After a few dazed days, I was fine with the news and Michael and I never looked 
back. The first time we were together, his nervousness touched me. He had been 
with only one woman, Maria, and felt like a fumbling teenager again. It was 
gentle and sweet and perfect. And I was happy! And I love how his 'alien genes' 
can…heighten…an experience. But everything about him became clearer. His art 
made complete sense to me…what the emotion on the canvases were. I could tell 
which represented earth and which represented his home planet. Flash forward a 
year and we were married. 

Liz is still staring at her cold coffee. "Okay, Lizzie, what's going on?" She's 
about to answer when I hear the door open and then she practically chokes on her 
coffee. Liz is coughing. "Wrong pipe." I turn to see who has caused her to react 
this way…

"Hey ladies." Michael. He's home…wait a sec, he was coming tomorrow…what is he 
doing here-

"Liz, I think this one is for you…" He's gesturing to Kaela who is clutching his 
hand, then he glances my way. 

"And that one is for me." Did I mention how I love his grin?

As Kaela heads towards Liz, he explains. "Looks like someone wants to see their 
mommy, and I knew you two were in here, so I chose to be this little girl's 
escort." Kaela flashes Michael a smile. "Thank you, Michael. Liz, I think mommy 
needs to read me a bedtime story…" Liz flashes another fake smile, "And you want 
to go see her now?" 

"Yeah." 

"Okay, let's go then." As Liz leaves the room with 
Kaela, she turns to Michael, "I'm glad you're home."

"Thanks, Liz. Goodbye, Kaela." 

"Bye." God, she's a cute little girl.

And now I'm alone in a room with my husband who I have missed way too much. As I 
walk over to him, I have only one thought in my head: My balance is back. "I've 
missed you." 

His kiss reveals the same longing. "I've missed you, too, Katie."

* * * * *

I hate hospitals. They are too sterile and remind me of "home" and of those four 
years. Figures I would marry a doctor. It wasn't Amy who took it the hardest 
when I announced my intentions to marry Katie, but Isabel. She and Maria had 
become so close, and it was difficult for her to see me with someone new. It 
also has taken Isabel the longest to warm to Katie…I actually think she's still 
warming to her. Some things just don't change.

How Katie 'infected' me is still a mystery. After seeing her reactions to my 
paintings, something pulled me to her. She was more than just a gorgeous woman 
staring at some paintings, and when I found myself attracted to her, I had to 
leave. So I did, abruptly, because we were in front of Maria's paintings…and I 
couldn't…feel that way…in front of them. Then the next time I saw her in the 
coffee shop, she made a pass at me, and there I was, giving her my phone number. 

I remember when I told Max I thought I was falling in love with her, he just 
said, "Maybe you are ready to move forward." His words of wisdom. I heard the 
words he didn't say, "It's been four years." But I know it was more than just 
being ready to move forward. It was Katie. She's just…electric. She's a smart, 
dedicated doctor. And I'm proud of her…proud to be her husband. I asked her, 
once, what she was doing with an artist. "It's all in the hands, baby." I loved 
her smile that day…that sexy, inviting smile she flashes. She's just…beautiful.
It's funny how slow we took it in the beginning. "Slow" is not a word I would 
use to describe Katie. "Aggressive" is much more appropriate. She told me I 
drove her crazy in the beginning. "I'm with this hot, sexy guy, and no action. I 
was dying!" I think I was just adjusting to the fact that I was with a woman 
again…and slowly letting Maria go. Not all of her, I could never, but it had 
been four long years, and I wanted Katie. I really did…and so I had to tell her 
who I was…she had to know the truth before anything could happen. She reacted 
better than I expected. It was weird. She was the first person I ever revealed 
myself to. Anyone else who knows about me, about us, was never from my lips. It 
felt weird and strangely uplifting, telling her about myself. And she took it in 
stride. Shock, disbelief, confirmation from Liz, then acceptance. I loved her 
for it. She will definitely think about things that matter, giving it the entire 
range of thought. I'm still impulsive…she's not. Well…she can be, but never 
about big issues. She told me she needed time, and I gave it to her. She was 
worth it. When she came back, I was with her. 

That was definitely a nerve-wracking time for me. Intimacy. It had been so long, 
I almost forgot how things worked. Katie took charge, as usual, and everything 
came back to me. I thought I would feel like I was betraying Maria, but I 
didn't. I wasn't. Part of me knew that I deserved to be happy…I deserved to 
live. And it felt good to feel alive again. Two and a half years…I have a lot of 
'lost' time to make up for. But I am truly happy with her. She's my life.

As I round the corner to head towards the employee's lounge, a little blonde 
whirlwind catches my attention. She's shifting from one foot to another, book 
clutched in hand, waiting for a nurse. "Liz needs to take me to see my mommy. I 
need a bedtime story." She's adorable…and frustrated. My guess is she's about 
six or so. I have no idea why, but I approach her.
"Is Dr. Evans gonna take you to see your mommy?" She shyly smiles at me, "Yeah." 

"Well, I'm looking for her, too. Do you want to help me?" Okay, what am I doing? 

She gives the nurse one more exasperated look before walking over to me and 
grabbing my hand into hers. "Yes."

Her name is Kaela and she's quite the little talker. When she first grabbed my 
hand I swear I had a flash of Maria… I know it can't be…it's probably just that 
Kaela has blonde hair, and a mouth that can just chat for days. And I've just 
returned from seeing Amy…Fresh Maria memories. We enter the employee's lounge 
and I see Katie and Liz…who is choking on her coffee. She looks startled by 
something, though.

I love returning to Katie. And I can tell she's surprised to see me. I just 
really needed to see her and reassure myself that I am alive…I am living. I 
watch Kaela bounce her way over to Liz and they leave soon after. Something is 
definitely up with Liz. I can't explain why I know, but Liz is easy for me to 
read for some reason. All is soon forgotten as I realize that I am alone in a 
room with my wife. 

She heads towards me. "I've missed you."

There's only one way to respond to that. "I've missed you, too, Katie."

We sit at the table, hands entwined. "What are you doing here?" She's definitely 
direct.

"I just missed you and wanted to see you…I could leave if you want." Her lips 
crashing over mine tell me I'm wanted. If I could guarantee we wouldn't be 
interrupted…

"How was the trip?" It's nice to see that the concern for these trips has 
lessened in her eyes. It used to be accompanied by a concerned voice…but now, 
it's just a question.

"Good. Amy is doing well, and Roswell hasn't changed much. The Evans's are doing 
good, too. But, I still missed you, you know?" Ah, the smile.

"I am always 'off' when you are gone. I'm done in an hour. You gonna wait for 
me?" Always.

"I'll be right here." I kiss her again, to reassure us both. This is where we 
are supposed to be.

* * * * *

After I took Kaela in to see Maria, I was back on the roof, chain-smoking my 
little head off. I bet I'm flammable right now. My head was spinning in circles. 
And I finally understand Isabel's psychotic fits regarding Michael.

When Michael used to pull his disappearing acts after Maria "died," Isabel used 
to go on these rants. "I'm gonna kill him, Max. Just kill him. Rip. His. Stupid. 
Little. Head. Off." This was usually accompanied by wild gesturing reminiscent 
of a Maria-fit. She would just seethe over his disappearances. I just never 
understood her anger. We were all worried about Michael, but it always seemed to 
me that Isabel took things too far where Michael was concerned. 

Not anymore. I finally understand.

I am going to kill her. How could she do this to me? To Michael? To Max? To all 
of us?! And Amy, how could she do this to her mother? How could she let Nasedo 
tell us she was dead? How could she just walk away from it all, thinking it was 
'for the best'? How could she not tell Michael he had a family? How could 
she…God, the list just goes on and on. And the second I get Kaela back in her 
room and make sure Kate and Michael are gone, I am going to get my answers. Even 
if I have to beat it out of her. I am so mad at her right now, I can barely 
stand it! Livid. That's a better word. I am livid and I want answers! 
Max is going to kill me. I must reek of smoke. And I'm on my last cigarette and 
I need another pack just to get through this evening.

~~~

I just finished taking Kaela back to her room. The look in Maria's eyes…she 
knows I am heading back to her. I'm actually grateful she's too injured right 
now to go anywhere. She would bolt out of this hospital and our lives if she 
could. I could see it in her eyes. 

Maria as a mom touches me. She's just amazing with her "Peanut." Gentle and 
attentive…Kaela worships the ground she walks on. And Kaela is the only person 
who makes Maria's eyes twinkle like they used to. When she looks at me, they do 
not twinkle. I am still in a bit of shock over the fact that I can have Max's 
baby. We can have a baby. Kate and I talked about the risks, even though it 
would be a while before Kate and Michael had any children…but I have wanted one 
for a while now. Max would make such a good father. But it's Michael who's the 
father now. To a child he was with today!! I almost choked to death on my cold 
coffee when the entered the room. And Kate knows something is wrong with me. 
What am I supposed to say…to anyone? Max is going to know something is wrong. 
Kate knows, and Michael…Michael just knows me. It's weird, the connection we 
have. But he is going to pick up on it soon…Do I slip it into a conversation? 
'Max, I'm going to go pick up our dinner and Maria's alive…' Or…'Sorry I've been 
so spacey, Kate. It's just that Michael's 'dead' Maria is now 'alive' Maria…and 
when do you want Max and I to come over on Saturday?' And, the dreaded one, 
'Michael…how's Amy doing? Did you know Maria's alive and you have a daughter? 
How's the new painting going?' Yeah, exactly. How can I do this? I am not good 
at faking *anything.*

I am staring at her door right now. I'm on a mission. Find out what happened all 
those years ago…why it happened all those years ago. Deep breaths, Liz, deep 
breaths.

It occurs to me how fragile she looks, in that bed. She's dreading this. She 
just looks away, staring at the window. Just as I'm about to start 
"confrontation mode," she puts her head in her hands and begins to cry. I 
realize my anger is gone as I approach her, sitting on her bed, cradling her. 

Through choking sobs, she mutters, "I've missed you so much, Lizzie." I hug her 
even tighter, making sure that she's real. That my Maria is flesh and bones. And 
my heart melts.

"I've missed you, too." And I begin to cry.

* * * * *

Liz just left with Peanut. And the look in her eyes told me that she's coming 
back for answers. I don't want to answer them. I don't want to go back there. 
Not back to that night, the days, the months, the years after that night. It 
took me so long to start living again, if you can call it that. I don't want to 
talk about it. I don't want to say that I regret it. That I regret it every day 
of my life. But the thing about regret is that you can't dwell on it…you just 
can't…because nothing can change the past…nothing. The past is your mistakes, 
your 'tattoo of life.' And it is right there, always under the skin.

I still react to the name 'Maria.' I turn my head every time I hear a "Michael," 
an "Amy," a "Liz,"…any of their names. I haven't had a close friend since I lost 
them. I haven't had a lot of things since I left them. The most pathetic part is 
that Nasedo was the closest thing I had to family for a while…Nasedo and family. 
Apples and oranges. I understood why Tess was as she was in the beginning. It's 
not like he was Mr. Personality or anything close to it. She really wasn't that 
bad, once you got to know her. She craved her family. And she finally gave us 
the space we needed to accept her, and all was fine. She wasn't a close friend 
like Liz, Max, Alex, or Isabel, but she was definitely a friend. Even Kyle was a 
friend. We used to gag at the fact that our parents were seeing each other. We 
were how old…and we couldn't talk about them having sex. It was just too gross 
to think about…I've often wondered if they are still together. Last I heard from 
Nasedo, she was still with Jim. And he's a good man…she deserves it. I hope they 
are all happy.

See…this is what I am afraid of. I can't handle all of this flooding back to me 
at once. It hurts to think about…it kills me that I have deprived Peanut of a 
father, a grandma, of aunts and uncles…of their love. The door is opening, and 
Liz is there, with that look in her eyes. I can't look at her. Please, Liz, not 
yet. Please Lizzie, not yet…Please…

I can't hold it back any longer. The tears are just falling…And she's here, 
holding me, comforting me. God, I have missed her so much! "I've missed you so 
much, Lizzie." And she holds me tight, probably to make sure I am real. I just 
let it all go in her arms, because for the first time in a long time, I feel 
safe. I know it won't last and I'll have to answer her questions, but for 
now…for now I can just let it go.

~~~

I finally pull away and wipe my eyes. Then I take a good look at her. Not much 
has changed. She's a bit older, but she's still my Lizzie. She wipes the tears 
from her eyes and gives me a smile. The I-love-you-girl smile. I realize I 
better get some questions in before she starts in one me…

"So, Dr. Evans, how are you? How's Max? Do you have any kids? Are you a 
pediatrician?" They fall out, one on top of another. God, I have rambled like 
this to anyone in so long…I didn't know it was still in me. She laughs at me, 
then pauses. She's probably deciding whether or not to let me have a few 
questions before she gets her answers. She places my hands into hers. I won!

"I'm good, really good. Max is good, we're great. He's at an aeronautical 
engineering firm, and he loves his job. We don't have kids because…because we 
didn't know if we could. But seeing you and Kaela, I guess it's okay. And yes, 
I'm a pediatrician...well, I will be soon."

She's still smiling. It's funny to be small-talking with your best friend, very 
weird. "Kaela's beautiful, Maria--" Maria. I don't know if I am Maria anymore…
"Liz," I interrupt her. "Lauren. Please…for now." It throws her off and she 
whispers my name, "Lauren." She is sad, nodding her head. I need to break the 
silence. The only topic that can get me to talk is my Peanut.
"

Thank you. She's amazing, she really is. I was definitely freaked at the 
prospect of motherhood, but it has been easier than I expected it to be. Maybe 
because she's perfect. She really is. She's so funny, though…I can't believe how 
much she can talk…" A smile returns to Liz's face as she shoots me a 
disbelieving look. "Um, you're her mother." I laugh, continuing my 'bragging' of 
my baby. "And she's really smart. I mean, really smart. And people love her…they 
just warm to her. She's just perfect. And I'm so lucky to have her." I can't add 
anything about Michael yet…how she reminds me of him in so many ways. I'm not 
ready to tread into that topic just yet with anyone. Even Liz.

Her smile fades and her face is now solemn. It's time. I'm not ready, but it's 
time. And she deserves answers. I just know that they will not satisfy 
her…because unless you were walking in my shoes…you can't understand. She can't 
understand. 

"Mar-Lauren. What happened? Nasedo said-" She cuts herself off. I watch the 
realization form on her face, the shock. "Were you even a part of the 
explosion?" 

She's got it wrong. "Liz. Nasedo saved me. And the baby." Shock.

"Did you know you were pregnant?" She's still trying to figure out what 
happened. I'm just going to get it over with and put her out of her misery. "No, 
I didn't know I was pregnant…" And I tell her about what happened that night. 
About Nasedo and his decision. Her face goes through such a range of emotion. 
Tears welling in the eyes. A cold stare whenever Nasedo's name is mentioned. 
Hand over her mouth when I relate his words to me. Wide eyes. And my decision to 
go along with him. And I think that's anger…

"How could you think that being 'dead' was ever a good idea?!" Okay…it's 
'confrontation time.' "How could you *ever* have thought that letting us think 
you were dead was a good idea?!" She's being careful not to raise her voice too 
much, but they eyes relate the volume she'd like to be having this conversation 
in. 

She's never going to understand this. "Liz…Nasedo healed me, but not like Max 
healed you. I was still weak and my thoughts were a mess. Baby. Michael's baby. 
Death threat to Michael. What if you and Alex were next? What if Michael was 
next? I can't even begin to tell you about what was going through my head at the 
time. Nasedo took me away, telling me he was going to tell you that I was dead. 
I couldn't do anything, Liz-" She's incensed.

"That bastard. If he wasn't dead already, I'd kill him." She doesn't get it, 
yet.

"Liz, listen to me." She turns her attention to me. "I made the decision to stay 
dead. I. Made. The. Decision." She's still confused. "The only thing I could 
think about was protection. Protecting the rest of you and the baby. God Liz, 
the baby. Michael's baby. What if they found out I was pregnant? I'd still be a 
target, wouldn't I? What if I had the baby? Would the baby be a target? Michael 
didn't need that burden-" 

Her eyes flashed as I said his name. "Michael. You want to talk about Michael?" 
Oh God, no. No. No no no. Not now. I feel her anger. It's in the air. It's the 
one topic I fear the most…Michael's reaction…maybe my mom's reaction…I can't 
know what I did to them…She can't do this!

"Liz. Liz! Listen to me." I have to stop her before she talks about him. About 
him being a wreck. Probably turning his back on everyone. Destroying things. 
It's sick, but part of me has always wondered the extent of his reaction. Like 
the more stuff he destroys, the more I know he loved me. But I don't really want 
to know…because I know what his reaction would be. Stonewall. "I had so much 
going on in my head, and it all came down to one thing. The baby. I had a part 
of him with me. And he deserved a family. And the baby had to survive. Don't you 
see? The baby *had* to survive." Would she understand? Could she understand?

No. She's looking at me as though I make no sense whatsoever. She's thinking 
about something…staring at the blanket on the bed. God, it feels like eternity. 

"Why did you stay away?" Tears are falling from her eyes, again. And she has 
just asked the worst question. The dreaded question. And tears start to fall 
from my eyes. 

"I don't know, Liz. I died that day…the day I left Roswell with Nasedo…I don't 
remember much of the pregnancy, really. It's just…you start living a lie long 
enough…and it becomes a part of you. Maria DeLuca was gone. And it just hurt too 
much to think about…to remember…everything hurt too much. At first, it was all 
black. Just darkness. And it wasn't safe yet. I had a baby to protect, Liz. A 
baby girl. His baby girl." 

God, this hurts too much. I'm sobbing, again. I can't do this. I can't talk 
about this. Why can't she just say she understands? WHY?! I can't say the 
truth…I don't know. Why did I stay dead for seven years? I knew that he was 
okay…I knew. It's like I have a connection with him through Peanut. Or maybe I 
just believe that I would know if anything happened to him. Like my entire body 
would physically react if anything happened to him. Maybe it was also his 
darkness I was in those first few months. God, I just don't know.

She's playing with my hands, stuck in thought. It's a lot to deal with. And I 
realize that maybe she hasn't said anything to anyone. I'm used to having these 
feelings and keeping them to myself. I have to…I can't let Peanut see my moods 
sometimes. How a certain song brings me back seven years. How certain days 
remind me of my life back then. And she reeks of cigarette smoke. Liz smokes? 
Never would have guessed that one. Now would probably not be a good time to ask 
her. I squeeze her hands.

"I know what it's like to hold it all in, Liz. You haven't said anything, have 
you?" It's not an accusation. I want her to know I understand.

Damn! Anger's back. "No, Ma-ria, I haven't said anything. To anyone. What am I 
supposed to say? Huh? What am I supposed to say? Hey Max, Maria's alive. Hey 
Michael, who, by the way, just got back from visiting your mother like he does 
twice a year for the past seven years, Maria's alive and you have a kid! Or, 
maybe, hey Kate, your husband's 'dead love' isn't-so-dead and she's actually 
your patient! And your mother, and Alex, and Isabel and Kyle and Tess…" 
I pause on 'husband.' So he is married…to my doctor. I knew it was too much to 
be a coincidence. I just start crying, all over again. He visits my mom? Twice a 
year? I haven't let him go. I can't. My mom…is she okay? How's she doing? Why 
does he visit her?…How is Michael? Is he the artist he has wanted to be?
Liz is hugging me, trying to get me to stop crying. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I 
didn't mean to do that…I didn't…I don't want to fight with you. I don't want to 
lose you again." She's crying, too. I pull away from her, and push the hair out 
of her face. "Lizzie. You aren't going to lose me again." She smiles, and 
presses her forehead against mine. "Tell me about it. Tell me what happened to 
you." She's determined.

Do I do this? Do I put those memories forward? "Then will you tell me about how 
everyone is doing?"

She smiles and nods her head.

It's gonna be a long night. And so I begin the story of Lauren Barrett.

* * * * *

I hear her come into our room. It's past midnight, and I can smell the 
cigarettes on her. It's been a long time since I have smelled that much smoke on 
her. I wrestle briefly with the decision to ask her what's wrong, but something 
tells me not to. I decide not to say anything to her. She heads straight to the 
bathroom, clothes coming off as she enters. And now she's taking a shower. 
Probably to cover up all of the smoke. She'll put the clothes into the laundry 
room, aerating it, so I won't know that she was smoking. 

She doesn't often hide her smoking from me, only when she's had a lot of 
cigarettes. And this usually means she has something on her mind. She took up 
the habit while we were gone…she said it was stress from classes, but I know it 
was stress from wondering if we were alive, if we were going to come back. She 
was very distant when we first came home. Fear, she told me. Fear that it 
wouldn't last, fear that I wasn't real. I can't imagine what it must have been 
like for her to just wait…wait to see if we would return. Eventually she 
accepted that we were back for good, that IT was over. We haven't been apart 
since.

I wonder what's on her mind. What is bothering her so much? She usually calls 
when she is going to be at the hospital late, but there was no phone call 
tonight. I try not to worry about her, about losing her, but I can't. I have 
loved her for so long, we have been apart twice, and I can't and won't do it 
again. But I know that if anything happened to her, I would know. I would just 
know.

I watched Michael lose Maria. I will not go through that with Liz. It was too 
painful to watch someone who you love as a brother "die" before your very eyes. 
Four years. Four years before we got him back. Thank goodness for Kate. I don't 
know what she did to awaken him, but after their first encounter, the Michael 
that we knew slowly returned. Liz doesn't completely know what happened with the 
fighting. How Michael was really the leader. He had nothing to lose…nothing…and 
that's how he fought. I mean, first they kill Maria. Then he loses his 
family-another attack by the Skins. And it was his determination, his planning 
that ended the Skin's rule over our people. Nothing had changed, though. He was 
still empty when we returned. The only "life" we saw was in his artwork or with 
his friends. And then there was Kate.

I'm so happy for him. Happy that he's happy. He deserves it, after everything 
he's been through. Iz practically passed out when he announced his plans to 
marry Kate. Part of it was due to her loyalty to Maria. She really loved her. I 
guess none of us thought of Michael as the marrying type, but when you lose 
enough, you hold onto what you have. I know that. I am never going to let Liz 
go. She's my life, my love, my reason for being. She's my destiny.

She crawls into bed next to me and I still pretend to be asleep. I so badly want 
to scan her, to learn what's going on with her. But I won't. It's eerie to know 
you have the ability to just get information from anyone if you want it. Just by 
touching them. Another trick we learned from Nasedo and Tess. But I would never 
violate Liz in that manner. She'll tell me when she wants to. Until then, I will 
have to wait. 

I feel her gaze on me. "I love you, Max." She caresses my cheek. I feel the 
weight of whatever is going on with her in those four whispered words. And I 
have to resist the urge, again, to scan her. Instead, I kiss her forehead, 
shocking her. "I love you too, Liz." She cuddles closer to me and we drift to 
sleep.

~~~

Now I'm really worried. It's three a.m., and Liz isn't in the bed. I hear the 
phone click in the other room. Who was she talking to? And now the sliding glass 
door is opening…then closing. She's going to smoke. Do I go to her? Do I just 
wait for her to tell me what's going on? I know that if she's seeking solace in 
her cigarettes, she needs to be alone. That's why I hate her smoking. It's what 
she retreats to sometimes instead of me.

* * * * *

Must. Sit. Down. Must. Breathe. Must…

Must what? I can barely think right now. That's one phone call I never in a 
million years thought I would receive. Maria's alive. Maria is alive. She has a 
little girl. Nasedo lied to us. Lied to Michael. And Maria let him. I'd kill 
that son of a bitch if he wasn't already dead. And Amy…Amy. She still can't stop 
mothering me after all of these years…What am I going to do? 
Pack. I have a plane to catch. Go into your room and pack.
While throwing things into my bag, the conversation is keeps playing over in my 
head like a broken record…

RIINNGG!! I looked over at the clock…one a.m. Who the hell is calling me at one 
o'clock in the morning?! This better be good. I picked it up, "This better be 
good." A slight pause. Who the hell is on the other end? 

"Kyle, it's Liz." Liz? What is she calling me at this hour for? She sounds 
solemn. 

"Liz, what's wrong? Is everything okay? Are you okay?" A pause. I think I hear 
her sobbing softly. 

"No. No, everything is not okay. I'm not okay…I don't have anyone to talk 
to…about this." About what? 

"About what, Liz?" I hear her take a few deep breaths. 

"Maria's alive, Kyle. She's alive and well and in my hospital." Maria. Alive? 

"Kyle, are you there?" Her voice is filled with such worry. 

"Yeah, Liz, I'm still here." I feel the shock coming on as my breaths become 
labored. 

"I just feel so alone, Kyle…I mean one minute I'm taking a little girl to see 
her mother…and then there she is…lying in a hospital bed…" Hospital bed?! 

"Liz, what happened? Is she okay? I mean what happened to her? I don't get it…" 
I feel my head start to spin. And Liz is still sobbing on the other end. 

"Liz…tell me what happened." 

"Two nights ago, an accident came into the hospital. Mother/daughter 
hit-and-run. Kate took the mother, I took the daughter. Kyle, I can't explain 
it. I felt such a need to save this little girl. And we did. I mean, both are 
okay. Kyle, Maria was the mother." What?! Mother?! Okay, I'm totally lost, here. 

She continues. "And I was taking her, Kaela, to see her mother, and there she 
is…alive and well…laying in my hospital…as Kate's patient. She wouldn't say 
anything in front of Kaela, but I saw it in her eyes. Pleading me not to say 
anything. And I didn't, Kyle. I didn't." God, what a doozy for Kate. The "late" 
love of her husband's life. And Michael? Why hasn't Liz said anything to anyone? 

Why is she calling me? 

"Kyle, Kaela's full name is Michaela. She's Michael's daughter." Michael's 
daughter? Michael has a daughter? What happened…that night? What is she doing 
alive? 

"Liz…how? I mean, what happened? Why doesn't she want you to say anything?" This 
is too much, I mean too much. I can't even think straight. God, Amy. Amy. Her 
Maria's alive, with a kid. Why was she "dead"? 
Liz's voice is just…sad. "She's not the same, Kyle. She's not the same. Her 
spark is gone. She's just…so…sad…and lost. And she's scared, Kyle…so scared of 
everything…She's lived this lie for so long…She's just lost in it…" She's still 
crying. 

This is tearing her apart. Hell, Maria's "death" tore us all apart. None of us 
were really the same after it happened. We weren't 'immortal' anymore. Liz, Alex 
and I just clung to each other after we heard the news and were taken away from 
the others. Liz was a mess. There's just no better way to put it. Maria was more 
than her best friend, she was her 'sister.' She didn't have Max around to help 
her through this and Alex…Alex was just…stoic. He lost it…and spent a few days 
in the hospital. And me…I just couldn't believe that the 'whirlwind' was dead. 

Maria was our rock…she was our common sense…My dad blamed himself…like he should 
have been protecting her somehow. For Amy. He really loved her. There was 
something magical about Maria. Her energy was sometimes enough for anyone. Max 
and Maria were also really close, and it devastated him. He was the leader. She 
was his responsibility. Isabel was a wreck as well. She loved Maria because 
Maria took care of Michael. And Michael just…died…that day. His eyes 
went…empty…and he just left us. Sometimes for days on end. Sometimes for two 
weeks. He spent his time with Nasedo. The non-human. No one could really get 
through to him. Except Amy. But I learned that later on…

I can't take Liz's crying anymore. "Liz…Tell me what happened that night. What 
did she tell you?" 

And Liz related what happened, what Maria told her about that night and the 
years, the years that followed. And I sat on my couch, in a daze, trying to take 
it all in. And I don't get it, either. Why she never came back…after all those 
years…How she could trust Nasedo…How she could just walk away from all of 
us…Maria leaving Michael…that's something none of us would ever expect to 
happen. 

I feel my hatred for Nasedo just boil to the surface. Of course, he has to be 
dead. Of course. And the description Liz gave of Maria…god. She sounds nothing 
like the person we knew and loved. And she's a mom. To Michael's daughter. 
"Kyle…I need you out here. I can't take this…I can't. I have no one to talk to. 
No one. Maria needs us…she doesn't know it…but she does. I can't stand to see 
her like this…like some ghost. It's not right, Kyle, it's not right. And I can't 
tell Max or Isabel, they'll tell Michael…And I can't tell Alex because I don't 
know how he'd take it…and I can't tell Michael…God, Michael. And Kate…what can I 
say to her? 'By the way, you're new patient is Michael's dead love?'" I can just 
hear the cracking in Liz's voice. The weight of the world is on her shoulders. 
She has chosen, for now, to be loyal to Maria. Some things never change. 

"Liz…I'll be out there. We'll figure something out. Just try to relax, okay? I'm 
coming." 

I hear the relief in her next words. "Thank you, Kyle." 

~~~

My plane is about to land. I spoke to Liz this morning before my flight, and for 
now, no one is going to know I'm in town. She still doesn't know how she's going 
to tell Maria that I am coming…but she'll figure something out. She's Liz. All I 
know is I'm going to take care of Maria. For Amy, for Liz, for everyone. If 
she's as bad as Liz says she is…we'll snap her out of it. How she could ever 
think her 'death' would be good for anyone…I just don't know…but she's my 
'sister' and I'm gonna take care of her.

Go to next part