WRONG E-MAIL
Mr. Steve Johnson,
a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana.
He immediately sent
an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer. Unfortunately, he mistyped a
letter, and the e-mail ended up going to a Mrs. Joan Johnson, the wife
of a preacher who had just passed away. The preacher's wife took one look
at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived, she nervously
pointed to the message, which read: "Arrived safely, but it sure is hot
down here."
THAT'S LOVE!
An escaped convict,
imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence
in prison. While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young
couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair
on one side of the room and his wife on the bed.
He got on the bed
right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck. Suddenly
he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way
across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey,
this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and
then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he
wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like
it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on
it!. Be strong and I love you."
After spitting out
the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved
you feel that way. You're right, he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he
wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks
you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be
strong and I love you, too."
WHAT A WIFE SAYS...AND MEANS
The wife says: You
want
The wife means: You
want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I
want
The wife says: It's
your decision
The wife means: The
correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what
you want
The wife means: You'll
pay for this later
The wife says: We need
to talk
The wife means: I
need to complain
The wife says: Sure...
go ahead
The wife means: I
don't want you to
The wife says: I'n
not upset
The wife means: Of
course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're
... so manly
The wife means: You
need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic,
turn out the lights
The wife means: I
have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This
kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I
want a new house.
The wife says: I want
new curtains.
The wife means: Also
carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need
wedding shoes.
The wife means: The
other forty pairs are the wrong shade of white.
The wife says: Hang
the picture there
The wife means: No,
I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard
a noise
The wife means: I
noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you
love me?
The wife means: I'm
going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How
much do you love me?
The wife means: I
did something today you're not going to like.
The wife says: I'll
be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick
off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I
fat?
The wife means: Tell
me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You
have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just
agree with me.
The wife says: Are
you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too
late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm
sorry
The wife means: You'll
be sorry
The wife says: Do you
like this recipe?
The wife means: You
better get used to it
The wife says: All
we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm
coming back with enough to fill this place.
The wife says: Was
that the baby?
The wife means: Get
out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm
not yelling!
The wife means: Yes
I am! I think this is important!
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The wife says: The
same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing,
really.
The wife means: It's
just that you're an idiot.
The wife says: I don't
want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm
still building up steam.
FUNNY QUESTIONS AND SMART ANSWER
Q: What can a whole orange do that
half an orange can never do?
A: Look round!
Q: What always falls without getting hurt?
A: Rain!
Q: What is full of holes yet can still hold
water?
A: A sponge!
Q: Which is the fastest, cold or heat?
A: Heat; you can catch a cold!
Q: What do sea monsters eat?
A: Fish and ships!
Q: Why is it hard to play cards in the jungle?
A: There are too many cheetahs!
Q: What do you get if you cross an elephant
with a fish?
A: Swimming Trunks!
Q: Have you heard the joke about the butter
?
A: I can't tell you because you will spread
it.
Q: Where was the Queen of England crowned?
A: On her head!
Q: What did the glove say to the ball?
A: Catch ya later!
Q: Why did the man with one hand cross the
road?
A: To get to the second hand shop!
Q: what is a cats favorite take away?
A: egg fried mice!
Q: What Do You Call A Person That's Keeps
On Talking Even When Others Have Stopped Listening?
A: A Teacher!
Q: What does a magician and a footballer
have in common?
A: Both do Hat tricks!
Q: What did the banana do when the monkey
chased it?
A: The banana split
NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES
CHECK YOUR COMPUTER FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES:
LEWINSKY VIRUS - sucks all the memory out
of your computer, then emails everyone about what it did.
MIKE TYSON VIRUS - quits after one byte
OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - your 300mb hard drive
suddenly shrinks to 100mb and then slowly expands to 200mb.
DR. JACK KEVORKAIN VIRUS - deletes all old
files.
ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS - you can no longer
insert disks into your computer.
TITANIC VIRUS - your whole computer goes
down.
DISNEY VIRUS - everything in your computer
goes Goofy.
PROZAC VIRUS - screws up your ram, but your
processor doesn't care.
JOEY BUTTAFUCCO VIRUS - only attacks minor
files.
ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - terminates
some files, leaves, but it'll be back.
LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS - turns your hard drive
into a 3.5 inch floppy.
VIAGRA VIRUS - turns your 3.5 inch floppy
into a hard drive.
ANY LAST WORDS?
A lawyer was trying to console a weeping widow. Her husband had passed away without a will.
"Did the deceased have any last words?" asked the lawyer.
"You mean right before he died?" sobbed the window.
"Yes," replied the lawyer, "they might be helpful if it's not too painful for you to recall."
"Well," she began, "he said 'Don't try to scare me. You couldn't hit the broad side of a barn with that gun.'"
SAY AT WORK
Things you'd really like to say at work
01. I can see your point, but you're still
full of crap.
02. I don't know what your problem is, but
I'll bet it's hard to pronouce.
03. I see you've set aside this special
time to humiliate yourself in public.
04. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being
smarter.
05. Ahh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited
us again.
06. I like you. You remind me of when I
was young and stupid.
07. I'm already visualizing the duct tape
over your mouth.
08. The fact that no one understands you
doesn't mean you're an artist.
09. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
10. And your cry-baby whiny-assed opinion
would be...?
11. This isn't and office. It's Hell with
fluorescent lighting.
12. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
13. Whatever kind of look you were going
for, you missed.
14. Can I trade this job for what's behind
door #1?
15. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work
here is done.
I KNOW THE TRUTH
At school, Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults hide at least one dark secret and this makes it very easy to blackmail them merely by saying, "I know the whole truth."
So Little Johnny decides to try it out. When he arrives home from school that day, he says to his mother, "I know the whole truth." His mother looks shocked, quickly finds $20, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, Little Johnny waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." His father looks shocked, quickly finds $40, and gives it to him, saying, "Just don't tell your mother."
The next morning, Little Johnny is on his way to school when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy decides to try again. "I know the whole truth."
The mailman drops his mailbag, throws opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your real daddy a nice big hug
