Ladies and Gentlemen.  Lets stop being serious for awhile and put some humour into our life. Come join me and laugh your head off......

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: December 30th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Did you blow your horn or anything?
A: After the accident?
Q: Before the accident.
A: Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

SILLY QUESTIONS

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

NEW RULES FOR EMPLOYMENT

SICKNESS AND RELATED LEAVE: We will no longer  accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY: Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of employment.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE: This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, Relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases, where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of the work is done enough.

YOUR OWN DEATH: This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two weeks notice as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE: Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future, we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For instance, all employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''A'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:00 to 8:10, employees whose names begin with ''''''''''''''''B'''''''''''''''' will go from 8:10 to 8:20 and so on. If you''''''''''''''''re unable to go at your allotted time, it will be necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both employees'''''''''''''''' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, and the stall door will open.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations, or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week.

The Management

 LAUGHTER - THE BEST MEDICINE

A cardiologist marries a gynecologist and were  blessed with twin girls.
Guess what they name them - Angina and Vagina.

Two sperms are swimming really hard and one asks,
"Are we almost at uterus?."
"Nah!" says the other, "we just passed the tonsil".

A prostitute goes to deposit a $100 bill in a bank.
The teller says, "Sorry, madam, the note is fake".
"Oh no!" exclaimed the prostitute, "I have been raped".

A woman gave birth to six babies and on seeing this she got out off hospital bed and slapped
her husband and shouted, "I told you  not to go doggy style".

Man went to the chemist to buy one fourth Viagra.
Chemist said that it would be useless. Man said, "I am 70, sex is out of question, I just want to stop peeing on my shoes".

What's the difference between biology and sociology?
When the baby looks like his dad or mom, the it is biology.
When the baby looks like the neighbor, then it is sociology.

Dracula asked God, "May I be reincarnated as a white angel with wings and
still suck blood?" God said, "Okay, I will turn you into a sanitary pad".

Why was two-piece bikini invented?
To separate meat section from the dairy section.

Mother was scolding the daughter, "I don't like the guy you are going out with.
He is too dumb".  "No, momma," she said, "He is going to be a doctor and he has already cured me of that illness that I used to have every month"
 

STUPID PICK-UP LINES

If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I together.

Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day.

Is your father a thief? Because he stole the stars from the skies and put them in your eyes!

That dress looks nice....Of course, it'd look even better crumpled up in the corner of my room.

Pardon me, is there a mirror in your pocket? Because I keep seeing myself in your pants.

Hey baby, wanna sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up!?

Pardon me miss, I seem to have lost my phone number, could I borrow yours?

Were you in Boy Scouts? Because you sure have tied my heart in a knot.

I'm new in town, could I get directions to your place?

That's a nice shirt...could I talk you out of it?

Hi, I'm conducting a feel test to see how many women here have pierced nipples....

Are you religious? Cause I'm the answer to all your prayers!

I love every bone in your body...especially mine.

You have pretty eyeballs. Of course they'd be better if they were eyeing my pretty balls.

Can I borrow a quarter? Cause my mom told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.

You're good at math right? Is 69 a perfect square?

Was your father a farmer? Because you sure have grown some nice melons!

Hey, here's the word for the day: legs. Whatdya say we go upstairs and spread the word?!

Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll get things straight between the two of us.

Her: What do you think of this (dress, sweater, blouse, etc.) Him: I like nothing better.

That's a really nice smile you've got, shame that's not all you are wearing.

You're 'No Parking' right? Just trying to guess your sign.

Why don't you surprise your room-mate/parents and not go home tonight?

My friend and I have a bet that you won't take off you blouse in a public place.

I know a great way to burn off the calories from that pastry you just ate.

Was your father a mechanic? Then how did you get such a finely tuned body?

You: Tickle your ass with a feather? Her: What?! You: I said 'Particular nice weather?'!

Baby, you look better and better each day...and tonight, you look like tomorrow!

Here's a quarter....call your room-mate and tell her you won't be coming home tonight!

Can I borrow a quarter? [why?] Cuz I wanna call your mom and thank her!

Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take/eat what I want!

Your daddy must have been a baker, cuz you sure have a nice set of buns!

Is it hot in here? Or is it just you?

Can I have directions? (to where?) To your heart!

I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?

How bout you and me go back to my place and get you out of those wet clothes?

You know what would look good on you? Me!

Excuse me, but I'm a little short on cash, would you mind if we shared a cab home together?

Go up to a girl in a bar, and slip your arm around her, and say, "Hi Kate!" She says, "I'm not Kate!" And you say, as your hand slips a little lower, "But you sure feel like her!"

She: Gee, I really enjoyed myself tonight!He: Me too. Maybe we could let our bodies enjoy each other sometime!

 Hey, didn't we go to different schools together?

You know, I would die happy if I saw you naked just once!

Would you like Gin and platonic, or would you prefer Scotch and sofa?

Go up to a girl and tell her she has nice legs....then ask would she mind if you named them. She says ok, and you say ok this one is Thanksgiving and that one is Christmas.....would you mind if I visited between the holidays?

Hi. I suffer from amnesia. Do I come here often?

Excuse me, you have some lipstick on your tooth, mind if I lick it off?

Are those space pants? Cuz your ass is out of this world!

If you were a tear in my eye I would not cry for fear of losing you.

Do you have a map? I just get lost in your eyes.

I'll bet you 10 bucks I could get all your clothes off in 30seconds...

I was sitting here holding this cigarette and I realised I'd rather be holding you.

If your parents hadn't met I'd be very a very unhappy man right now!

You see my friend over there? [Point to friend who sheepishly waves from afar] He wants to know if YOU think I'M cute.

Motion your finger for girl to come over to you, when she gets there say, I just made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with TWO!

I hope you know CPR, cuz you take my breath away!

Hey baby, you must be a light switch, cuz every time I see you, you turn me on!

Hi, we're taking a survey and I need your phone number. If you give it to me, I'll call you and tell you the results.

Do you like music?(Yes) Good, I've got a great stereo in my car!

Are you looking for Mr. Right, or Mr. Right Now?

Girl, you look so good, I could put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.

Do you know, your hair and my pillow are perfectly colour co-ordinated.

Baby, you're so sweet, you put Hershey's outta business.

I'm not drunk, I'm just intoxicated by you.

He: You look like my third wife. She: Oh, how many time have you been married? He: Twice.

Was you father an alien? No, why? Because there's nothing else like you on earth!

Hey baby, How would you like to join me in some math? We'll add you and me, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply!

Would you touch me so I can tell my friends I've been touched by an angel?

Hello, I'm a thief, and I'm here to steal your heart.

You must be a hell of a thief 'cause you stole my heart from across the room.

There are 256 bones in the human body. How'd ya like one more?

Hey, I just noticed you looking at me across the room. I'll give a minute to catch your breath!

MORE ON PICK-UP LINES

Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."

Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the Venereal Disease Clinic."

Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."

Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."

Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."

Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."

Man: "What sign were you born under?"
Woman: "No Parking."

Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do Not Enter."

Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized!"

Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason."
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

Man: "I can tell that you want me."
Woman: "Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you to leave."

Man: "May I see you pretty soon?"
Woman: "Why? Don't you think I'm pretty now?"

Man: "Your hair color is fabulous."
Woman: "Thank you. It's in aisle three at the corner drug store."

Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."

Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."

Man:  I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
Woman: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

Man:   Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
Woman:  Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

Man:   Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
Woman:  Okay, get out.

Man:   I think I could make you very happy.
Woman:  Why? Are you leaving?

Man:   What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
Woman:  Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.

Man:   Can I have your name?
Woman:  Why? Don't you already have one?

Man:  Where have you been all my life?
Woman:  Hiding from you.

Man:   If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
Woman:  If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.

Man:   Where have you been all my life?
Woman:  Where I'll be the rest of your life - in your wildest dreams.

ALWAYS THERE FOR ME

This woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear," she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck....."

MARRIAGE JOKES

Marriage is not a word.  It is a sentence (a life sentence!)

Marriage is very much like a violin; after the sweet music is over, the strings are attached.

Marriage is love.  Love is blind.  Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree and the woman gets her Masters.

Marriage is a thing which puts a ring on a woman's finger and two under the man's eyes.

Marriage certificate is just another word for a work permit.

Marriage is not just having a wife but also worries inherited forever.

Marriage requires a man to prepare 4 types of "RINGS"
- The Engagement Ring
- The Wedding Ring
- The SuffeRing
- The EnduRing

Marriage life is full of excitement and frustration:
- In the 1st year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
- In the 2nd year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
- In the 3rd year, they BOTH speak and the NEIGHBOURS listen.

It is true that love is blind but marriage is definitely an eye-opener.

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.  You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married. A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking; the husband gives and the wife takes.

Son :     How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father :  I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

Is it true Dad, I heard that in ancient China, a man does not know his wife until he marries her. That happens everywhere son, EVERYWHERE!

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defence.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.  They got married and now he is going through HELL.

Next

I Started A Joke ~ Bee Gees