In Loving Memory of
Angelica Anastasia Carlsson
"Like an angel she will she rise again!"
Blessed again!!
It was just an ordinary day!
I didn't really expect the test to come back positive. I went down to the pharmacy in
the mall to be tested. While I was waiting, I prayed for it to be positive.
But I didn't really believe it would work.
The young girl who was doing the test came back.
She told me the test was negative and I was so disappointed!
I went in to the grocery store to buy a frozen pizza. I was looking for a pizza
when the young girl from the pharmacy shouted behind me
" Excuse me!Hi, I'm so sorry but I was wrong, I went back and saw
that the result had changed, it was really positive. You are pregnant"
I just stared at her as if she had fallen down from the moon!
"What did you say? ( I started to weep) Am I really pregnant?"
She smiled. And I couldn't resist giving her a big hug.
"Yes, I gather that this was the result you wanted?"
"Oh yes, oh my god, are you sure?" I was shaking from the shock.
"Yes I'm sure!" " You must be lying! Is it really true?"
"Yes It's true!"
Then she left and I just stood there shaking and crying. I'm sure people were
probably starring, but I didn't notice!
I decided that this was not the time for pizza and bought a nice juicy roast
and some beautiful flowers for my fiancé!
When he came home from work I surprised him with a nice dinner and the flowers,
he was very surprised and didn't understand why I had bought him flowers but
then he saw the little card that just said " congratulation dad"!
He look at me with a big smile and asked "are you pregnant?" I smiled and said yes.
He gave me a big hug and said congratulation!
We were both so happy! Everything was perfect!
I had a perfect pregnancy, no nausea or anything!
But I never could shake that feeling that I was going to loose this pregnancy too!
I tried to ignore the little voice in my head that was saying "don't be to exited,
you are not going to get to keep her!!!"
I bought some cute baby clothes and some magazines
on how to be a good mother, but somehow I just knew...
Trials of horror!!!!
when I was 11 weeks pregnant I started to sense that something had gone horribly wrong!!!!
I had lost some weight and my belly felt just like it did the last time when I lost Gabriel!
My belly was suddenly very big and it felt very heavy.
I had a scan and it showed that my baby was gone!
I couldn't believe it. "NO, NO, NO, It isn't true, I don't believe you. Its just a nightmare.
Please say it isn't true. Someone please wake me up!!"
But It was true, my baby was dead!
The doctor told me that she had died when I was 7 weeks pregnant.
That meant that she had been gone for about 3 weeks.
He said that I could have the operation the following day, but I wanted more time
to say good-bye, I remembered how empty I had felt when I lost Gabriel,
and I was hoping that if I had more time I would start bleeding on my own.
That way I would perhaps get to hold her and even bury her somewhere special!
I was then told to come back on Monday morning!
During the weekend I was praying for something to happen but nothing did and
I had to realize that I was going to have to let them do the operation.
The worst part was knowing that they would throw my precious baby in the bin.
I really wanted to bury her in some special place where I later could visit her.
But that was not to be.
Monday morning I had the operation. It was horrible!
The doctor who did the procedure was a real snob!!!
She didn't respect my wish not to be tied down until I was a sleep, even though
she had promised me that she would wait until I was sleeping, she didn't!
I totally freaked out!!! I was so scared that when she did it, I started crying and
shaking. I said "why are you doing that you promised to wait"
She just pretended to be surprised "Oh did I?"
She then untied my legs but by then I was panicking!
The veins in my hands became invisible and the nurse who
was putting in the IV missed the vain and had to do it on the other hand.
When I awoke after the operation I was in a lot of pain.
But the nurses couldn't give me any real pain killers.
Only the kind that you can get over the counter at the drugstore!
They didn't do any good!
They said that the stupid cow of a doctor said no!
She didn't even come to see how much pain I was in, she just said no!
Such a power-mad stupid cow!!!
For more than 3 hours I was crying from the pains.
Then finally I was told that the Pethedin was on the way.
Then an old hag of a nurse came in to give me the shot.
She said "I hear you are in pain?" By now my face was swollen from crying so long
and I was shaking very badly from the pains!
I said " yes" and then that old hag said " I don't believe you!".
I got sooo angry!!!
I could have just killed her but I was to weak so all I could say was "HOW DARE YOU!!!!"
. And then I started crying even more!
How could she not believe me? Anyone could see that I was in great pain!!!
The injection helped and I was out of there as soon I could walk!
But this wasn't to be the end of my trials!
I stopped bleeding on Wednesday but started bleeding again on Saturday and
late Sunday evening I started having labor pains, real labor pains!
I was having contractions every 20 seconds and felt the need to push but nothing
happened! I was in labor pains hell for 3 hours before I fell asleep from the painkillers
and my fiancé massaging me!
On Monday morning I went back into the hospital to have a scan.
I was told that the surgery had failed and that there were still pieces of the embryo
and other stuff left inside me and that I had to have the surgery again!!!
That stupid cow hadn't even done her job right!
I had the re- evac. On Monday afternoon.
And this time I was treated all right, it was a different doctor and she was really nice
and I was given painkillers before the operation and an injection of Pethidin
as soon as I awoke!
No problems there!
I am now still recovering from my trials and it has really been rough.
But I hope that its over now and that I can start the grieving process soon!
I just know that this baby that I lost was a girl!
I wanted to give her a special name and her names that I finally picked out for her
really are special!
Angelica means : Like an angel.
And Anastasia means: She will rise again.
When you combine them they mean:
Like an angel she will rise again!
And I know she is an angel now and that she is playing in the lords garden
together with her big brother Gabriel!
And sometimes I really think that I can see them playing with butterflies
and their laughter will forever echo in my heart!
