ROSWELL SUCKS
"Oh. My. God. Why does
Roswell suck so badly?” Maria questioned angrily as
she stormed through the double doors of the Crashdown. She slammed her
binder and funky colored bag down on the counter for emphasis.
Liz, who had been restocking the ketchup, popped out from below the counter.
"I was just thinking the same damn thing. Is it just me or have the
past
two years here totally sucked? I mean, we've had some good episodes
together, but it's really been bad around here. And you know what?
Sometimes it seems like I'm a totally different person from when we first
started hanging out with those aliens." Liz's voice has become
progressively louder, but nobody seemed to notice that she was talking about
aliens.
"Could not agree more," Maria said. "I mean, my day has
totally sucked. I
got home and looked for my mother, and, this is going to sound strange, Liz,
but I couldn't find her. Then," she said, leaning across the counter
towards Liz, "it occurred to me that I can't remember the last time I saw
her. It's been, like, months. And, she didn't even leave a
note. So, this
put me in a bad mood. It got worse after that, I was driving to work and
Hanson, I'm not sure if he's the Sheriff or what.."
"Nobody is," Liz interjected.
"Pulls me over," Maria began again. "Now, is it just me or
shouldn't
Valenti be reinstated by now? At least with him, I could have talked my
way
out of it or something."
"Just more proof that Roswell sucks," Liz said.
"OK!! Guys, I can't take this anymore," a whiney voice said.
Liz and Maria looked at the owner of the voice, it was a girl of about
fifteen who had an I heart Roswell shirt on.
"Who are you?" Maria asked.
"I'm Pollyanna," the girl replied. "I go to your
school."
Both Maria and Liz gave her a blank look.
"What is this 'school' you speak of," Maria asked.
"You know, where you go and there are teachers and books," Pollyanna
said.
She saw they still were clueless so she just continued on. "Roswell
is
super great. It's the greatestest ever! And I don't understand why,
if you
hate it so much, you just don't move!" With that, she left the
Crashdown,
but not before plowing into the double doors, she did not seem to understand
that one has to pull on the doors in order to get them to open.
"Freak," Liz muttered under her breath.
"You can say that again," Maria agreed. She smiled at
Liz. It felt like
they hadn't hung around in forever. Her smile faded as she saw who was
stepping through the door as Pollyanna was leaving. It was Max and
Michael.
It occurred to her that Max was looking rather sickly. Also, she
was glad
that she and Michael were no longer making the bang. His hair was totally
out of control. It was floor length by now and got caught in the door as
they walked in.
"Well if it isn't Heroin Chic and Captain Flowbie," she muttered.
Liz glared at Max. Over the past few days, along with realizing Roswell
sucked, she had become more and more angry with him. I mean, he slept
with
Tess, got her pregnant and ever since then, had treated her badly. And,
she
only flipped out on him ONCE! She knew that that was just wrong and when
to
remedy the situation.
She walked over to the table. Max looked up and began to speak. But,
he
was cut short by the chair that Liz picked up and smashed in with.
"THAT'S
FOR SLEEPING WITH HER!" Liz then kicked Max. " AND THAT'S
FOR MAKING ME,
OF ALL PEOPLE, HELP YOU FIND YOU SON!" During the one-sided throw
down, as
Liz knocked Max unconscious, Michael tried to help, but he kept tripping on
his long locks.
Maria watched from the other side of the room, both cheering Liz on and
saddened by the display. "Are there any good men in Roswell?"
she wondered
aloud.
Kyle walked into the Crashdown.
He quickly walked over to Maria. "Hi Kyle, what's...." is all
she was
allowed to get out of her mouth before Kyle picked her up and threw her down
on the counter, knocking things over, while kissing her passionately. As
they attempted to find a position that would not have one of them getting
stabbed by the silverware, they fell to the other side of the counter.
As Liz was stealing Max's new cool leather clothing, the Crashdown door
opened again.
It was Tess. As she walked in, she left the doors open. "Oh,
Maxie,
darling, lovepoof, what happened to you? Was this your destiny?
What do we
do now?" she said as she kneeled close to Maxie.
"Tess, what in the hell are you doing here," Liz yelled. She
had to have
her voice at full volume to be heard over the groans that were coming from
behind the counter. "Do you think we're just going to welcome you
back with
open arms after what you did. Do you know that you wrecked everything
that is
Roswell?"
Tess looked up, puzzled. "Well, I try not to think about others when
I act.
I just do whatever whenever. I don't think about it or
anything."
Liz began to lunge towards Tess; Michael got out of his booth and grabbed at
Liz. At the same moment, a huge gust of wind came in from the open
doors.
It blew everything in the room around. Including Michael's hair. It
tangled around Tess. And the more he and she tried to get it untangled,
the
more it weaved it's way around the blonde. Tess began to gag. Liz
took a
pair of scissors out of her pocket and looked at them as Tess turned blue
and died.
"Great," Michael said. "How am I going to get this,"
he kicked Tess, "out
of my hair?"
"I guess you're going to have to get it cut," came a voice from the
now open
doors.
"ALEX!" Both Liz and Michael yelled as they ran to him.
Michael had to run
considerably slower, considering the dead weight he had to drag around.
Alex had his arm around Isabel. As Michael and Liz begin to pepper Alex
about what had happened to him, where Jesse was, to which Is kept saying
'who's Jesse?" A disheveled looking Maria popped up from behind the
counter,
as did a shirtless Kyle.
As she took in the scene of a Max who got what he deserved, a strong Liz,
Tess's carcass, Michael getting his hair cut, Alex back from the dead, and
with Isabel, no less, she turned to a slightly flushed Kyle and said, "I
love Roswell"
Kyle smiled sexily at her and said. "Talk later, sex now," as
he pulled her
down behind the counter.
And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Max.