ROMEO AND GERBILETTE

 

By special guest author Andrea

Maria ran madly down one of the many corridors of West
Roswell High. "Liz! Liz!" she called out. Liz turned away from
shoving books into her locker, to see Maria flying directly at
her. "Maria, what is it?" Liz asked, very concerned. "Oh my god, Liz!
Guess what?" Maria gasped, totally out of breath from all that
running.

       "Maria, are you ok? What is it?" Maria paused dramatically and
then shrieked: "The drama club is putting on Romeo & Juliet! I have
to be Juliet! I just have to! And I have to make Michael audition for
Romeo!"  Maria stopped shouting and leaned back against the locker,
like a true diva would. "Maria, do you really think Michael wants to
be in a play? Especially Romeo and Juliet?" Liz asked, always the
more practical one. "I'm sure he doesn't want to but I don't care if
he wants to be in the play or not, I'll just have to find a way for
him to be Romeo and for me to be Juliet. I am desperate to do the
balcony scene with him!"

       Liz sighed and then smiled at her best friend. "Ok, good luck."
           
                                 * * * * *

      Tess ran madly down one of the many corridors of West Roswell
High. "Max! Max!" she called out. Max turned away from shoving books
into his locker, to see Tess flying directly at him. He then quickly
turned back to his locker and pretended to be completely engrossed in
pushing his math book on top of his gym clothing.
"Max!" Tess shrieked shrilly. Max didn't turn around. "Max! Guess
what?" Tess shouted again. Max groaned and replied "What?" Tess took
a deep breath before she absolutely screamed out "The drama club is
putting on Romeo & Juliet!" Max slowly turned around. "Yeah, so?" he
asked, completely disinterested. `Well, I just have to be Juliet and
you have to be my Romeo!" Tess blabbered. Max groaned again. "Um, I
don't think so."

      "Why not?" Tess whined and pouted. "I have really bad stage
fright." Max answered. "Oh, don't worry about that!" Tess
simpered. "I'll just mindwarp away your stage fright!" Max
grimaced. "Uh no, Tess, that won't be necessary." "Don't worry, it's
easy!" Tess continued. Max slammed his locker door shut and tried to
sidestep Tess to get away from the lockers. Tess planted her spandex
clad body directly in his path. "Oh please, Max? I really want to be
Juliet! Please audition for Romeo? PLEASE! Do it for me?" Tess whined
and whimpered. Max felt a migraine coming on. "I'll think about it."
Max said, to shut Tess up, and then strode away quickly. Tess watched
him leave and then grinned wickedly. 'Max will be Romeo and I'll be
Juliet, and that is that.'

                           * * * * *
      Michael and Maria kissed passionately in the Eraser Room.
Maria twined her arms around Michael's neck. Michael kissed his way
across Maria's cheek and down towards her neck. "Michael?" Maria
whispered. "Uh huh?" Michael breathed into Maria's ear. "The drama
club is doing Romeo & Juliet. " Maria whispered, slightly
louder. "Yeah?" Michael whispered back. "And I really want to play
Juliet." Maria continued. "That's cool, go for it." Michael
replied. "And I really want you to play Romeo." Michael stopped
kissing Maria's ear and stood up. "What? Oh wait, no way. I don't do
school plays." He said adamantly. "Oh please? Please just audition
for Romeo?" Maria asked urgently, caressing Michael's face for
emphasis. "Do it for me? I mean, you might not even get the part.
Please just audition for Romeo?" Maria planted a major smooch on
Michael's mouth. "Um, " he said haltingly. "Maybe. I'll think about
it." Maria smiled brilliantly and planted another kiss on Michael's
lips.
           
                          * * * * * *
      Max walked up to the doorway of the biology lab. He saw Liz
hunched over a microscope. He walked quietly into the room, and right
up next to where Liz was stationed. "Hey, " he said. Liz looked
up. "Hi!" she replied brightly. "What's up?" Max smiled and said "I
heard the drama club is doing Romeo & Juliet. I think you'd made a
perfect Juliet." Liz blushed and then smiled. "I don't know. I'm not
much of an actress." Max reached out to stroke Liz's cheek. "If you
audition, I will too." Max said temptingly. "But only if you audition
for Juliet." Liz blushed again and thought for moment. "Um, ok. I'll
try out. But if I make a fool out of myself, it's all your fault!"

                          * * * * * *
      The auditorium was filled with nervous aspiring actors. Alex
flipped through his worn out paperback copy of Romeo & Juliet. Kyle
chatted with Isabel instead of going over his lines. The door of the
auditorium flew open and Maria rushed in, dragging Michael by the
arm. He looked as if he was on the way to his own funeral. Liz and
Max followed Michael into the auditorium. They walked down towards
the stage, just as Tess was getting up to audition. She saw Max
holding Liz's hand and scowled.

      "You may begin." Said Mr. Katimsdale, the drama teacher. Tess
assumed the most tragic pose her dim mind could think of, which
involved pressing the back of her hand to her forehead, throwing her
head backward, bending both her knees deeply and thrusting her chest
out, while flailing out her free hand. This pose ensured that her
cleavage was almost completely bare and popping out of the top of her
chartreuse halter top. "Romeo, Romeo, where for art thou, Romeo!"
Tess whined. "Stop," Mr. Katimsdale. "This is an American production,
Tess. You can stop doing that terrible British accent. It sounded
more Australian, anyway. Try it again, without the accent." Tess
scowled again. Then she reassumed her pose of tragedy and repeated
the line the exact same way she did it before. "Ok, thank you. That
will be enough." Mr. Katimsdale interrupted again. Tess pouted and
flounced off the stage. She stormed past Maria, who was ascending the
stage and then past everyone else, to go sulk at the back of the
auditorium.

      Maria performed an emotionally wrenching monologue of
Juliet's from the death scene. She finished to rousing applause from
Mr. Katimsdale and everyone else in the auditorium, except for Tess,
who scowled as deeply as she could. Michael quickly wiped away a tear
and then looked around to make sure no one saw him do it. Liz turned
to Max and said, "You know what, Max? Maria really wants this part,
and I really don't want to be in the play at all. Maybe I'll just
paint scenery. Is that ok? Did you really want us to audition
together?" Max smiled and said, "It's ok. I didn't really want to do
the play anyway. It was just a wacky idea. I just want to see Michael
audition now." He laughed.

      Michael hugged Maria and then took his place at center stage.
He looked so nervous that Max was afraid he might pass out on stage.
Michael paused and then started his monologue very quietly. Mr.
Katimsdale called out for him to speak up. Michael cleared his throat
and kept going, this time more loudly. He took his time with the
monologue and was actually doing a really good job. Max, Liz and
Maria looked on in wonderment. Tess continued to scowl from the back.
Michael finished, looking stunned that he made it through his
audition, and left the stage to be enveloped in kisses and hugs from
Maria. "Hey, you were really good." Max said to Michael. Michael
smiled sheepishly. "Thanks. It's just a stupid play." Isabel then got
up to audition with a different Juliet monologue. When she was
finished, they all turned to walk out of the auditorium. Tess saw
that Max was leaving and immediately conjured up a mindwarp.

      Max stopped in his tracks. He let go of Liz's hand and
started tapping his fingers against his thigh. "I changed my mind. I
want to audition." Max said robotically. Liz looked at him in
bewilderment. "But I thought you only wanted to audition if I would!"
she protested. "I changed my mind." Max said again and then turned
abruptly and made a beeline for the stage. He got up and recited a
monologue very woodenly. Michael, Maria and Liz watched in
puzzlement. "Ok, I know Max said he wanted to try out, but he doesn't
sound like himself." Liz said. "I don't know why he's even up there
at all." Michael said, just as bewildered as Liz. "He's got really
bad stage fright." Maria frowned. "No offense, Liz, but Max sucks as
an actor."

      Max finished his monologue and left the stage. He rejoined
the puzzled group he just abandoned. "Max, are you ok?" Liz
asked. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?" Max said, as he continued to tap
his fingers against his thigh. Maria turned to look at the stage to
see Alex and Kyle doing a scene together as their audition.  The
group waited until Alex and Kyle were finished and all walked out of
the auditorium together. Tess stayed behind and waited until everyone
had left, except for Mr. Katimsdale.

      Tess flounced over to Mr. Katimsdale and smiled her
nauseating smile at him, while batting her eyelashes. The fingers on
Mr. Katimsdale's right hand began to tap furiously against the
notebook where he had written notes on all the students who had
auditioned. Tess glanced at the page to see what he had written about
her. It said "Tess Harding: absolutely terrible, no talent, do not
even let her paint scenery."
      "Mr. Katimsdale," Tess simpered in her "sweet" voice. "I know
I was the best actress here today. I'm so much better than Maria
DeLuca! You know I should play Juliet!" Mr. Katimsdale stared blankly
at Tess and said, "Yes, you are right. You will play Juliet." Tess
giggled obnoxiously and flounced out of the auditorium. She giggled
wickedly to herself all the way home and was rolling around on Kyle's
bed when she realized that she forgot something.

      "Oh damn!" Tess cursed to herself. "I forgot to mindwarp Mr.
Katimsdale into making Max play Romeo! Stupid Tess! Stupid stupid
stupid! Bad Tess!" Tess whacked herself across the face. "And now
it's too late! The parts are already posted! Oh well, I'm still
Juliet and that bitch Maria can rot in hell as an extra!"

                        * * * * * *

      The next morning, students crowded around the bulletin board
to see who was cast in Romeo and Juliet. Maria pushed her way to the
front of the mob and scanned the list frantically with her finger.
Next to "Romeo" she saw the name "Michael Guerin." "Oh my god!" Maria
shouted. "Michael's playing Romeo!" Maria went back to look for her
own name. She finally found it, next to the character "Nurse." Maria
couldn't believe her eyes. She looked at the list again. "No!" She
shouted. "That can't be true! Who's Juliet, then?" Maria looked at
the list once more. "Juliet…Tess Harding." Maria screamed and burst
into tears. Michael pushed his way through the crowd to comfort
Maria.

      Maria looked up at Michael tearfully. "Michael! You're Romeo!
But Tess is Juliet! How can that be? Tess was awful!!! This has to be
a mistake. And I should be your Juliet, not Tess!" Maria cried
pitifully. Michael led her away from the throng of students. "I know,
this really sucks. I didn't even want to do this stupid play. I only
auditioned because you wanted me to. Do you want me to drop out? I
don't want to play Romeo if you're not going to be Juliet. Your
monologue really inspired me." Maria sniffed and said, "No, Michael,
you have to be Romeo. You were so good. I want you to be Romeo, even
if I'm not Juliet. I'm still in the play. Nurse is a decent part. But
oh god, Tess is Juliet. It's going to be so nauseating to see her
slobber all over you." Michael smiled. "Yeah, she really is hideous.
What the hell was Katimsdale smoking when he chose her?"

                         * * * * * *
      Rehearsals were not going well. Tess missed every other line
and Maria had to keep giving her the entire line. Tess simpered and
slobbered all over Michael, because she knew it would piss Maria off.
And it did. Michael just regarded Tess with the utmost disdain and
exasperation. Mr. Katimsdale barked directions at everyone in the
cast, except for Tess. He just kept tapping his finger against his
hardcover copy of Romeo & Juliet and didn't seem to notice that Tess
absolutely sucked.

      Kyle and Alex practiced swordfighting backstage with wooden
prop swords. "I think Katimsdale is a total moron." Alex said to
Kyle. "Why did he let Tess play Juliet? She sucks!" Kyle shrugged. "I
have no idea, man. Unless she stripped for him, which is what she
always threatens to do to me if I don't do stuff for her." Alex
shuddered. "She didn't actually strip for you, did she?" Alex asked
in disgust. "No," Kyle replied. "I'm always afraid she will so I just
do whatever she tells me to." Alex shook his head sadly. "You're so
pussywhipped, man. You shouldn't let her treat you like that. It's
bad enough you let her live in your house. You better be careful. If
she ever takes a trip to Sweden, she'll make you carry her luggage
for her."

                         * * * * * *
      Opening night of Romeo & Juliet. Maria paced nervously
backstage. The dress rehearsal had been disastrous. Tess still didn't
know any of her lines and had taken to just flouncing around the
stage saying things like "Yoo hoo!" and "Forsooth!" At least ten
times, Michael had to physically restrain Maria from grabbing Alex's
wooden sword and beating Tess to a bloody pulp.

       Maria complained bitterly to Isabel, who was playing Lady
Capulet, Kyle, Alex and anyone who would listen about how terrible
Tess was and how she couldn't understand how Mr. Katimsdale could
cast Tess as Juliet instead of her. Maria especially couldn't fathom
how Mr. Katimsdale could have cast Tess as anything in the play, let
alone the lead part. Isabel grumbled about having to play Tess's
mother. "I'm playing the mother of a girl who looks like a gerbil,
for pete's sake!" Isabel muttered to herself.

      Tess, however, was enjoying herself tremendously. She loved
her medieval costume, and she especially loved her princess hat—a
tall, cone shaped hat, with a veil flowing from the point at the top
of the cone. Tess didn't realize that on her, the princess hat
actually looked like a dunce cap.

      Mr. Katimsdale called out "Places, please!" and everyone in
the cast scrambled to their opening spots. Maria shot Michael a look
of utter pain. "Break a leg!" She mouthed to him, and blew him a kiss.

      The play began and everything was going well. Michael was
bringing great depth to his role of Romeo and actually enjoying it.
And then Tess made her entrance. It was all downhill from there. Tess
didn't even bother trying to remember her lines. She said whatever
nonsense that came to her tiny and evil mind. At several points, she
said "Max" instead of "Romeo." Michael tried not to look panicked as
he desperately tried to cover for Tess's heinous flubs in as
Shakespearean a way as he possibly could. Maria looked on helplessly
from the wings, and several times nearly vomited onto her costume
when Tess kissed Michael in ways she hadn't practiced in any of the
rehearsals. Maria stood with Alex and Kyle backstage, and all three
of them shook their heads in horror and disbelief.

      The poor audience didn't know what was hitting them. They
were so bewildered by Tess's hideous performance that they weren't
sure how or where to clap, or even if they should bother. Liz and Max
kept throwing each other worried looks in the darkened
auditorium. "Max, what is going on? Tess is horrible! She's ruining
the whole play!" Liz whispered urgently to Max. Max shook his head in
bewilderment. "I have no idea. Why isn't Maria playing Juliet? It
should be her and Michael together, not Tess and Michael." Max
whispered back. "Why did you audition for the play, Max?" Liz asked
softly. Max looked at her in surprise. "I didn't audition for the
play. What are you talking about?" "Yes, you did. You auditioned
right after Michael did. Remember? You said you wouldn't audition
because I didn't want to, and then you started fidgeting and said you
changed your mind!" Liz replied, confused. Max shook his head
fiercely. "No, I never auditioned. Maria, Michael, Isabel, Alex and
Kyle auditioned, and then we left." He stated firmly.

      Liz and Max looked at each other and grimaced. "Tess is so
evil!" Liz said angrily. She didn't even bother whispering anymore.
Most people in the audience were talking outright about how terrible
the girl playing Juliet was. "I can't believe she mindwarped you into
auditioning, and then mindwarped Mr. Katimsdale into letting her play
Juliet. Poor Maria."

      Backstage, Maria was seething with anger. "I have to do
something!" she said to Alex, Kyle and Isabel. "That little piece of
trash is going to ruin the balcony scene!" The balcony scene had just
begun. Tess had somehow managed to pop most of her cleavage out of
her costume and was prancing around the balcony and leaning over it
whenever she possibly could, giving the audience and Michael an
unfortunate view of some very unpleasant scenery.

      Tess called out "Yoo hoo! Maxeo!" and something inside Maria
snapped. She ran out onto the balcony and up behind Tess. With one
major heave, Maria pushed Tess off the balcony. Tess fell twenty five
feet and landed in a crumpled heap at Michael's feet. Michael looked
up at Maria and mouthed "Thank You!" He then took off Tess's
princess, er, dunce cap, and stabbed her with the pointy end several
times just to make sure she was dead. The audience cheered and
clapped. Alex quickly helped a stagehand close the curtains. Then he
and Kyle ran out onstage and dragged Tess's body off the stage.

      Maria rushed backstage and Isabel helped her change into one
of Juliet's other costumes. The curtains were reopened and Maria
began the balcony scene again, this time the proper way. Maria and
Michael had fabulous chemistry onstage as she played Juliet to his
Romeo, the way she had originally intended. The rest of the cast
perked up as well, now that Tess was dead and couldn't continue to
ruin the whole show.

      The play ended and the audience, after recovering from its
collective shock, gave a standing ovation. Mr. Katimsdale had stopped
tapping his fingers the moment Tess expired, and was congratulating
himself on casting the very talented Maria DeLuca as Juliet. 'That
girl is going to be a star!'  

The End

 

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