ON DECK
Jim Valenti
entered his house after another stressful day on the job. While
he was very happy to be Sheriff of Roswell again, he had forgotten the
prejudice he had that made his job a nightmare. He knew that when he
took
the job, he would have to shelve the way he felt about certain people to
keep it, but today had really tested his limits. And, his house USED
to be
a safe haven from their kind, but a new member of the household had changed
all that. He tried to tell himself that he didn't hate their kind,
but he
was lying to himself. In all honestly, he had to admit that he
loathed
stupid people.
He tried to rationalize their existence on the planet, but his reasons
always sounded weak. He was just getting fed up with the idiocy he
saw all
around him. Today had been a bad day. He had apprehended a kid
who had
robbed the place where he worked. The kid had come up with a Mission
Impossible type plan for robbing the joint, it had gone off without a
hitch,
then he had gotten into his car, and attempted to flee the scene. It
was
when he got in the car that he noticed that he was out of gas.
Valenti
wasn't complaining about catching the thief, but he couldn't help thinking
that it wasn't much of a challenge.
Another example of the stupidity of the human race was brought to his
attention later in the afternoon. He was driving South on the road
leading
back to the squad house when a car passed him, going North. It took
him a
moment to realize that the car was driving in reverse. He quickly
made a
U-Turn and apprehended the driver. He assumed that they would give
him and
excuse (the car only worked in that gear or some such nonsense) but he was
aghast to discover that the driver MEANT to get caught. She was just
curious to see how far one could drive in reverse before they were
caught.
He shook his head at her and gave her a ticket for reckless driving.
Then, there was Deputy Hanson. He was a walking, talking nightmare to
Valenti. The seemed to be a never ending stream of stupidity leaking
forth
from the man. He constantly put his foot in his mouth and always came
up
with complicated ways to solve everyday problems. But, Valenti was
forced
to deal with him because he was related to the Governor of the state.
"KIDS!", he yelled, trying to ascertain if anyone was at
home. He knew that
Kyle was at some team practice, and Kyle wasn't the one who added undue
stress to his life. Kyle wasn't the one so lacking in logic skills
that it
made his brain hurt. Tess, it was Tess. She had become a
permanent fixture
in their household. At first, he didn't mind housing an alien, but
then
again, at first, he didn't have to deal with her much. It was when he
was
forced to talk to her that he realized her brain was a vacuous mass of
nothingness. When she would make a few of her dumb comments, he tried
to
give her the benefit of the doubt that she was just kidding. He
slowly,
realized, however, that she was one of the people that made his life a
living hell. And she was living in his home.
After changing his clothes, he began his woodworking again. Sure, he
had
his job back, but everyone needed a hobby. As he worked on the bat he
was
making for Kyle's belated birthday party, he couldn't help but remember the
dumbass comment, "He's building something," that had spewed forth
from her
mouth. Woodworking usually relaxed him and freed his mind up to
think, but
this time, all he could think about was HER and the way that she got on his
last nerve.
Time and time again, she would come home complaining about something that
had happened to her. Like the time that Maria had bilked her out of
all of
her money at school. She had told Valenti that Maria had asked her to
play
a coin game called "Heads, I win Tails, you lose."
Tess had agreed. She
didn't seem to understand that no matter what came up, Maria would
win. He
had tried to explain it to her for five minutes, eventually using a visual
demonstration but she just looked at him blankly. She then whined
about how
he should get her money back for her from Maria. He said that he look
into
it, even though he had no intention of doing so. He knew, by now, not
to
mess with a DeLuca woman.
And there were other things, too. There was the time that she
complained
that she couldn't get into the mall. It was locked, she kept
insisting.
With a few questions, Valenti had discovered that she was pulling on a push
door. There was the time when he got them home from Vegas and was
yelling
at Kyle for not taking a moment to think about how foolish their little
field trip was. He was screaming at the top of his lungs and he had
heard
Tess say to Kyle, "I think he's mad."
He was proud of his son, that he was able to deal with her on a daily
basis.
Though he knew that she had finally made HIM snap last week. She had
borrowed the Mustang, drove it somewhere, forgot she had it and walked
home.
And now, she couldn't remember where she had parked it. He had had
his
deputies look into it, but it was still missing. Kyle was no longer
speaking to her. That's why he had decided to throw this party for
his son,
the pull him out of his funk.
As time went by and the bat slowly took form, Jim Valenti began to feel
better and better. He was finally feeling peaceful for the first time that
day.
SLAM went the front door. His heart sunk. Kyle never entered
the house that
way, it could only be...
"Hello, Tess," he said, rather unenthusiastically.
"Oh my god, Sheriff," she said without my inflection in her
voice.
"Something's happened to Max. We have to find him, I think that
he's in
trouble."
He turned off the machine and focused his attention on Tess.
"Ok, tell me
what's going on."
"Well," she said, sitting down, and Valenti had to avert his eyes
due to the
shortness of the skirt she was wearing to avoid a view he most definitely
didn't want to see, "I went looking for Max. I wandered the
streets of
Roswell, cause you know, that's what I do, streetwalk."
Valenti chuckled to himself.
"What?" she asked.
"Nothing," he said, trying to regain the stoic look on his
face. "Go on."
"So then, I went to the Crashdown and told Liz that I absolutely had
to find
Max. She told me that she didn't know where he was and then walked
off to
go do her job or something. So, Maria came up to me and told me that she
knew where Max was, that she would get a message to him and that I should
go
wait by the pod chamber for him. So I went there and I waited, and I
waited, and I waited. After a few hours, I figured that something
horrible
must have happened. So, I went back to the Crashdown, and Max was
there, at
least I thought it was Max, but Maria intercepted me and told me that it
was
a shapeshifter, that it wasn't really Max. So, I think that we should
go
looking for him. Cause I don't think he would stand me up. Do
you think he
would stand me up? I mean, cause I bought this new outfit just for
him and
he really needs to see me in it. It's tighter than anything else that
I
have. Don't you think it's a cute outfit? I saw that one girl
in Destiny's
Child had it on and I knew I had to have it. Cause, I mean, you can't
mess
with Destiny, you know what I mean...."
At this point, Valenti's hands were tightening on the bat he had in his
hand. NOBODY could be that dumb. Didn't she see that Maria was
messing
with her? He had to get out of the house, fast. He almost made it, he
was
at the door when he heard Tess say, "What do we do now, Sheriff?"
He stopped at the door, turned around and smiled at her.
******
Kyle ripped open another box, eager to see the look inside. This one
was
from Maria. "Oh my god, the best of America's Most Wanted.
Thanks, kickass
gift," he said, as he leaned over from his spot on the couch and gave
her a
big hug. Michael looked on disapprovingly.
He only had one box left. It was another one from his dad. He
looked over
at him, he was absolutely beaming. He had been in a fantastic
mood all day
and Kyle couldn't figure out why. He had his arm around Amy and
motioned to
Kyle that he should open it up. It was a bat. It was obvious
that his dad
had put a lot of work into it. It was a beautiful maroon color.
"Thanks, Dad," he got up and did the manly, I'll hug you and hit
you at the
same time hug that all men do. "That's not all," Valenti
said, as he
motioned that the rest of the group should follow him. He lead them
out
into the backyard.
"I even made a batter's box for you," he said, motioning to the
fresh dirt
and chalk on the ground. It was a strange looking batter's box, more
rectangular than square, but Kyle thanked his dad again.
"Hey, where's Tess?" Amy asked.
"Oh, she's here in spirit," Valenti muttered.
The
End
again, sick and twisted....just the way you guys like it.