OFF THE WALL
Kyle had just wrapped a towel around
his waist after showering when there
came
a distinctive knock on his door, followed by one of the women he now
shared
his house with barging in.
"That's
it," Maria said as she flopped down upon his bed, and the clothes he
was
planning to put on. "I give up. I've tried, God knows I've
tried to
get
along with her, but I cannot take it anymore. She is driving me insane
and
for that she must die!"
"I
wonder how that feels, being driven completely out of your mind by a new
person
in your house," he answered, trying not to smile at her outburst, and
failing
miserably.
"Oh
please," she said, "You know you love me and all of my quirks."
"So,"
he said, making sure his towel was securely fastened around his waist,
"when
she does something that bothers you, it's punishable by death, but
when
you do something that bothers me, it's a 'quirk'".
"You
catch on fast, buddy," she said smiling sweetly up at him.
"For
instance, the fact that I obviously need to get dressed and you have
not
yet left the room, that's a quirk, not annoying," he said, while
snatching
the pair of boxer shorts he planned on wearing that day out of
Maria's
hand.
"It's
not even a quirk. You should be comforting me and calming me down,
not
shoving me out of your room so you can do something trivial, like
getting
dressed," she said.
"Got
it," he said. Then he asked her, "How should I calm you
down."
She
flushed slightly at the memory of how Michael once calmed her down and
then
shook her head, trying to get those kind of thoughts in conjunction
with
Kyle to leave her head.
She
saw that Kyle was giving her a funny look and realized that she had yet
to
answer his question, "Well, you could start by asking me what she's done
to
have driven me up the wall so much that I came to YOU to talk about it."
"I'll
do that as soon as you let me clothe myself."
"Deal,"
she said while closing her eyes. "But, I'm not leaving. The
last
time
I had a problem, you locked me out of your room while you listen to
those
monks chanting and I'm not falling for that again."
Kyle
sighed, realizing he was never going to win this one. He dressed in
record
time, all the while keeping one eye on Maria and the towel wrapped
around
his waist. He told her it was Ok for her to open her eyes and then
walked
over to his dresser to put on one of his "pheromones", as he called
his
cologne.
"Not
that one," came Maria's voice from directly behind his shoulder. She
reached
around him and handed him the bottle next to the one he had
selected.
"This one smells better on you," she said matter-of-factly, as
she
handed him the bottle and then sat back down on his bed.
After
applying his "love scent", the particular name he called the scent
Maria
had picked out, he leaned against the dresser and said, "Lay it on
me."
"Where
to begin? Well, let's see. She snores. And I'm not
talking about
that
kind of snoring that lulls you to sleep. I'm talking airplane engine
snoring.
When I tell her about it, she insists that I'm making it up. Not
only
that, but she talks in her sleep. I swear that I heard her say
"destiny"
the other night. It took all of my self restraint not to smother
her
when I heard that. I mean, the girl sounds like a broken record."
"What
you're telling me here," Kyle said, "is that she is disturbing your
beauty
sleep and for that, she must go."
"If
you would let me finish," she said, testily, "you would see the
myriad
of
other reasons for my misery."
"I'm
sorry," he said, really enjoying pissing her off, "please
continue."
"I
swear that she's a klepto, too. The other day, she was wearing a shirt
of
mine. Except she cut off the sleeves and took about six inches off of
the
bottom of it. It was a perfectly good shirt and now it's been all
skanked
up. Then there's the Max thing. We've been hanging out a lot
recently
and she wants to know what he says about her, what he says about
Liz
and if I'M hooking up with him."
"Are
you?" Kyle asked, without thinking.
She
gave him a funny look, "Hi. Have we met? I'm Maria.
Remember me? Got
my
heart broken by one alien and not going to travel down that road again."
"My
bad, continue."
"Then
there's the thing with my car. After she totaled her SUV
thingy,
Mom said that she could use my car. Does she ask? No. Does
she
put
gas in it? No. Does she wash it? No. Does she break
things in it,
and
then deny it? Yes. I mean, the girl is supposed to have all of
these
weird
alien powers and she can't fix a dented fender or broken windshield.
Then
Mom wants me to pay for half of it with my hard earned money."
Kyle
nodded at all of Maria's argument. He silently thanked Buddha again
for
the fact that he didn't have much contact with Tess and her driving
skills.
"Then,
there's what she does to the room. She moves stuff on me, just so
I'll
trip over stuff. The beds, the dressers. She'll use her powers just
to
fuck me up, basically. She changes the color of the room all of the
time.
So, when my Mom comes in, I have to come up with lame excuses. I
have
used up all of my lies. I'm starting to lie like Liz."
"Oh
that's not good," Kyle said seriously.
"I
know, it's like now that Max has told her, in no uncertain terms, that he
doesn't
want to be with her, she's taken to making my life a living hell.
The
last time I had to tell Mom that I got really hyped up and THAT was why
all
of my furniture was stacked on top of each other, I could tell that she
so
wasn't buying it. Then when I started to tear into Tess, she told me not
to
worry about it. She said if my Mom ever found out, she could make that
memory
go, and I'm quoting her here, 'poof'. It makes me wonder what else
she
can make go poof. I don't understand why our parents wouldn't take my
suggestion
of letting us be roommates."
Kyle
kept silent on that one. After his Dad had caught one of the numerous
times
he was checking out Maria's legs, he had a pretty good idea why they
had
put the kibosh on that particular brainstorm.
"There's
nothing you can do about that now," he said, sitting down next to
her.
"You're just going to have to find some way to live in the room with
her.
Try to bond with her or something."
"Kyle,
listen to me, " she said, while changing her position on the bed so
that
she faced him. She grabbed his shoulders and looked at him.
"She's
E-vil."
She then began to shake him, "Why won't you listen to me? When she
wigs
out and tries to kill us all, you are going to get the biggest I told
you
so, ever!"
Kyle
disengaged her hands from his shoulders and held onto them. "Evil or
not,
you have to live with her. We all do. And, as much as I like the
idea
of
an all blonde chick fight, try to stay on her good side. I don't know if
my
new found alien powers would be any match for hers if she turned you into
a
ficas plant."
She
looked at Kyle, genuinely touched by his concern for her. She noticed
that
he was still holding her hands and realized that she didn't mind that
one
bit.
"Fine,"
she said, blowing a wisp of her hair out of her face. "I'll try the
whole
'we're one big happy family' thing one more time. She and I are
supposed
to pick out new wallpaper for the room and put it up together. She
agreed
not to use her powers, so that's a plus. Speaking of which," she
said,
looking at her watch and reluctantly retrieving her hands, "I have to
go
and pick her up so we can work on our color scheme together."
"Good
luck," he called after her as she left. He then sighed mightily,
covered
his face with his hands and flopped onto his pillow.
"Help
me, Buddha," he muttered to himself.
Three
hours later, Maria was saying the same thing to herself. As soon as
she
and Tess seemed to agree on something, Tess would change her mind and
insist
they choose a different color. Maria had nothing against pink, per
se,
but she would not allow Tess to paint the walls hot pink. She said the
words
'over my dead body' and Tess just smiled creepily to herself. They
had
finally decided on a deep blue for the wallpaper. The clerks wanted
them
to go over their 'room accessories" but Maria told Tess if she wanted
to
do that, she would be walking home.
That
night, Maria attempted to keep her cool as Tess kept wasting their
wallpaper
by not following the instructions on how to put it up. She refused
to
flatten it out properly, so bubbles kept appearing, which meant that they
had
to quickly take down the paper and try to do it over. They had about
one
quarter of their room finished when they ran out of paper. Maria flat
out
refused to buy more. She told Tess that it was up to her to go out and
replenish
their stock. As she attempted to sleep in her unfinished room,
Maria
sniffed three bottle of cypress oil while Tess alternated between
snoring
and muttering 'what do we do now' in her sleep.
By
the next morning, Maria had murder on her mind. Her mother, the sheriff
and
Kyle tried to be extra nice to her, but to no avail. Nothing could pull
her
out of her bad mood. And, when Tess returned with their new batch of
wallpaper,
he mood went from bad, to nuclear.
"Ok,"
Tess said, in her annoyingly chipper excited squealing voice. "When
I
went
there, this cute guy showed me this new wallpaper that they had JUST
gotten
a shipment of. We are the first people in all of Roswell to get it.
You
are going to love it, I just know it." She smiled as she unraveled
it
and
showed it to Maria.
Maria
smiled sweetly at Tess. "You're right, it's super cool. Let me
help
you
put it up."
"Anybody
home?" Kyle yelled.
"In
here," came Maria's voice from somewhere in the house. He first
checked
in
Maria and Tess's room and was shocked by what he found. Tess was wrapped
completely
head to toe in wallpaper. It appeared to have writing on it. He
moved
closer to her body to see what it said. It appeared that Tess had
been
mummified in wallpaper that read, "Follow your Destiny."
He
found Maria in his room, sitting calmly on his bed. He leaned against
the
door jamb. "So, what are we going to do now?" he asked.
"Well,"
she said, smiling enigmatically at him, "I won't be able to live in
THAT
room after the tragedy. So I guess you and I will have to live
together."
He
smiled back at her, "I guess so," he said, and then closed to the
door to
their
room.