GIRLS NIGHT IN
By
special guest author Bette
Maria
sat quietly on the Valentis’ couch. She was holding Kyle tightly, as any
friend would in this situation.
"I don't know what happened",
Kyle whispered. "We were sitting at the
table, and she just starts screaming
about her not having a place here, her
not getting her way, her not getting
any respect in this house...."
"Everything is going to be okay. Just tell me
what happened next", Maria
said as she patted
his back gently.
"I tried to
apologize. I just wanted the crazy bitch to calm down, you know?
I told her it'd be
okay, that things would change. Then I made some comment
about wondering if
Prozac would work for aliens, and she totally freaked.
Did her psycho alien power-thing...next
thing I knew I was making that
lovely hole in the
wall."
"That trashy
skank is soo gonna get it. Oh my god, Kyle!" Maria sat up
quickly and walked
towards the damaged living room wall.
"What?!? What's
wrong?!?"
Maria knelt down and
stared at the floor. "Whose....this can't be your
blood, Kyle."
"Nah...I ran
over the kitchen to grab a knife, and she ended up by that wall.
I chunked the damn
thing right at her chest. Her water bra nearly saved
her, but she got cut
up pretty badly, if I do say so myself."
"So she's
wounded?"
"Another
no. Next thing I knew, she was healing herself and running out the
back door. And
what could I do? I'm lacking in the special powers
department."
"It's
alright. I know exactly what to do. Unfortunately, you'll need to
put
a shirt on now.
Let's go."
Maria and Kyle sped down the winding street in the
Jetta. Kyle had been
bugging Maria the
entire way over about what the hell she was planning. He
hadn't noticed her
sneaking looks in between stoplights at him. His back
still hurt from that
ordeal back at the house. Being thrown into a wall
wasn't extremely
painful, but he didn't want to see what the freak would do
when she was *really*
pissed. Talk about problems.
"Alright Kyle,
babe. Here we are."
Kyle had been so busy
thinking about the different ways that the Evil One
would probably
torture him and hadn't noticed that they were right outside
the Crashdown. As he
sat there trying to gather his thoughts, he heard Maria
yelling from the
front door of the restaurant.
"Damn it, Kyle,
I'm trying to help your ass and all you can do is sit there
looking
terrified. Hurry up!"
Kyle got out of the
car quickly and ran towards the flung-open door. Just
then, he remembered
something. He ran back to the Jetta and reached under
the seat.
******************
Liz had been enjoying
this lovely Saturday afternoon going through the crap
that reminded her of
Max. She'd almost succeeded in convincing herself that
she could get over
him, but something interrupted her.
*KnockKnockKnockKnockKnockKnockKnock*
"Liz!! Come on, hurry up. We've got a
wounded man,
here!"
"Huh?
Okay, okay!!" She got off her bed and opened the door to see Maria
and Kyle standing
there. She noticed that Kyle kept looking around nervously
and reaching for
something behind his back. As soon as she stepped back into
her room, Maria's
mouth was going full force.
"Can you believe
this?!? She attacked him! Had no reason, NONE whatsoever!"
Liz listened to Maria
explain the events of that morning and looked over at
Kyle.
"Kyle, I'm so sorry. You want to sit down or something?"
"No, I'm
okay. Little rattled, but okay."
Liz walked over to
Kyle and spun him around. There was a wooden stake jammed
into his back
pocket. Maria couldn't help it. In less than a second, she
was laughing
uncontrollably and was soon joined by Liz.
"What the
hell? The knife didn't work! This kills evil creatures,
right?
Would you stop
laughing? I don't see you two coming up with any plans...."
His voice trailed off
and he pouted.
"Aww",
Maria held her arms open. "You poor thing, I'm sorry."
He walked over slowly
to accept the hug. As he lowered his head to her
shoulder, he felt
something...different. He couldn't quite figure out what
it was, though.
He'd hugged Maria plenty of times before.
"Like I said,
we'll get everything worked out and this will never happen
again. To ANY
of us. Liz, you're good with chemistry and all that science
junk. Help us
out, huh?"
"What exactly
did you need?" Liz wasn't the least bit afraid at this point.
The Hoebag had hurt
Kyle, and he had been a pretty great friend to Liz over
the past couple of
months.
"Nothing you'll
have any trouble with, trust me." Maria grabbed various
bottles, jars, and
tiny mixing pots from her mother's collection out of her
purse. She also
pulled out a home-perm kit.
Liz noticed that
Maria and Kyle were still holding each other. She couldn't
help but think that
they looked adorable together.
Liz eyed the items
that had been randomly thrown onto her bed. She had no
idea what was going
on, and it didn't matter. "Whatever you need, Maria.
What's the
plan?"
Maria sat on Liz's floor next to Kyle and set up all the tiny
bottles and
jars into a neat
row. Kyle watched in amazement. He couldn't believe all
she was doing for
him.
"Okay, Liz,
here's the deal. I have a feeling Tess went over to Max and Iz's
with some bullshit
story about what happened. She probably convinced poor
Max that the only way
to help was to light more candles and sit on his bed
with her."
"Don't think
so. Max usually works Saturdays. She'd probably track him down
there, but I don't
think she'd go back to the Valentis' to get another one of
those nasty low-cut
shirts."
"So this will
work even better. We'll convince Isabel that Tess needs
comforting and we're
there to help. Did you gather all of those chemicals I
told you to?"
"All right here,
and so's the funky-looking makeup."
"Nice
choices! Perfect for her. Let's get to work."
************
Tess had been at the
Evans' house for the past hour or so crying to Isabel
about how Kyle
attacked her. Isabel didn't want to believe it, but Tess's
shirt was so
bloody. She'd had a few unwanted flashes and had seen Kyle
attacking her for
herself. Tess, of course, had spared her the flashes of
Kyle getting thrown
around like a rag doll.
"Tess, there has
to be some reasonable explanation for this. It just doesn't
sound like
Kyle."
"But
Isabel", Tess whined in that annoying voice, "you saw it for
yourself!
He just went
craaaazy" she sobbed on Isabel's shoulder.
Isabel wasn't sure
what to do with Tess. She'd given Tess another shirt to
wear, although it was
way too big in the chest area. As she threw out Tess's
shirt, she noticed
that it was also water-soaked.
"Isaaaaabeeeeel!"
Tess's scream brought Isabel back to reality.
"Shit,
Tess! What the hell do you expect me to do? If Max was here, you
wouldn't even be near
me right now, you'd be pawing him and begging for help."
With that, Tess was
crying even more loudly. She made the mistake of
attempting to
strangle Isabel. Iz saw it coming, and with one quick
bitch-slap, Tess was
out cold.
"Great. I can't
leave her in here. My bedroom is already starting to stink
something
horrible."
Isabel heard a
knocking on the front door and dragged Tess's limp body into
her bedroom
closet. When she remembered the smell, she quickly grabbed a can
of potpourri and
sprayed the whole thing around Tess.
"Coming!"
She opened her door,
only to see Maria and Liz standing there with big, goofy
grins and holding
backpacks.
"Uh,
hi...listen, you guys, I'm a little busy right now....."
Liz spoke quickly,
"Oh, we know all about it Isabel. Kyle called and told
us. Can you
believe he expected us to side with him?"
"Yeah",
Maria chimed in. "I can't believe what he did to her! We just
thought we'd come
over and try to help make her feel a little better. We can
do a girls' night in
sort of deal."
Isabel stepped aside
to let the two girls in. "Okay, come on upstairs. We
had a little
accident." She was surprised to find Tess sitting on her bed
smiling stupidly upon
entering her bedroom.
"Tess...",
Isabel said, trying to sound concerned. "You okay?"
Isabel didn't know
it, but the slap had ruined Tess's remaining brain cell.
At this point, it
wouldn't take much to kill her.
Maria sat next to
Tess and spoke softly. "Tess, honey, we're here to help.
We brought some
makeup and hair stuff and thought we could all do makeovers
and watch some
movies."
Liz was smiling as
she sat cross-legged on the floor. "Yup. If you'll just
sit down here, we'll
get started. You first!"
Isabel started wondering what the gals were up to, but she
played along. She
grabbed a bright blue
eye shadow and a brush. "Alright, Tess", she said, as
the dumb bottle
blonde stared off into space with a huge smile on her face.
Drool was oozing from
the side of Tess's mouth and her eyes were rolling
around.
"Uh...go ahead
Iz." Liz could hardly suppress her laughter at the sight of
Tess getting even
uglier. Who knew that it was even possible?
As Isabel applied the
eye shadow, Tess's eyes burned and the Gerbil was left
with two more hollow
holes in her head.
That was it.
Neither Liz or Maria could hold it any longer. They were
rolling on the floor
with laughter, and the confused Isabel joined them.
"So you guys
planned this! You're terrible!"
They were all crying
at this point. Happy tears ran down their faces, and
suddenly they heard a
gurgling noise.
"She's still
alive!", Maria shrieked.
"It's
okay", Liz giggled. "We can continue!" She picked up a
tube of
ultra-poisonous
lipstick and smeared it across Tess's lips. The three girls
laughed even more at
the sight of Tess's teeth falling out of her mouth and
onto the floor.
"Isabel, you
ain't seen nothing yet." Liz pulled out what looked like a
home-perm kit and
mixed the ingredients.
"Ooh!
Can't believe we forgot!" Liz got up and yelled out the window.
"Oh,
Kyle!! You can come
up now!"
Kyle ran in and
gagged at the sight of Tess. "Geeze, you two weren't kidding
about this.
Unbelievable....I love it!"
"You can help
Kyle." Maria handed him a bottle, and she took another smaller
one. She looked
at the ugly piece of trash and said sadistically, "We
thought it might be
time for another little hair-treatment!" She looked at
Kyle and smiled.
"You first!"
Kyle squired the
liquid onto Tess's head and watched a gaping wound open in
Tess's head, only to
find out what he suspected....it was empty.
Maria, Liz, and
Isabel took turns squeezing the acid all over Tess's body
until there was
nothing left. This had been the happiest day that they'd all
had in a long time,
and quite the bonding experience.
Kyle put his hands on
Maria's shoulders and looked at her with a serious
expression.
"Maria, I've got something to tell you."
"Kyle, listen,
I....."
"I know, I
know...Michael. No pressure, I'm just putting this out there.
The two of you may
actually break up for good one day, and..."
"Kyle,
seriously...."
"Maria, I have
to say this."
"Kyle, I know
you love me."
Kyle looked at Isabel
and Liz. Liz smiled. "It is so *very* obvious, my
dear."
Before he could say
anything, Maria kissed Kyle.
With one quick wave
of the hand, Isabel's room was restored and stank-free.
Everything would be
okay, just like Maria promised.
*****
Very short epilogue,
because I feel the need to do this and I'm just plain
cheesy like that:
At work that evening,
Max had a strange episode and fainted. He was sent
home, safe and
un-mindwarped. Liz decided to smarten up and work things out
with him.
Isabel later cleaned up
the Valenti house, and everything was explained to
the Sheriff. He
was very happy to have Tess gone.
Kyle and Maria were happy as could be
together. Michael brooded for awhile,
but eventually realized that it was for
the best. He met a nice girl who
didn't really care what he said or did,
and they had a wonderful, carefree
relationship.
Alex made it home the next month.
He'd been held captive Sweden the whole
time. The Alex-clone was
something that Tess had cooked up with Kivar. The
brave Alex had slain Kivar and made it
home safely to Isabel.
And with that, all was safe in Roswell
:)
THE END