TESS’S NEW JOB
By Laura “Maria, it’s too hot.”
Tess needed money so she decided to get a
job. Since she really wanted to buy clothing, she thought she should
apply only at clothing stores where she could get a discount. Her
favorite store, where she bought all her halter tops and tight jeans, happened
to be hiring and she was thrilled. Despite her utterly annoying voice and
the idiotic things she said during the interview, the store manager hired her
b/c she recognized her as a repeat customer and realized that Tess'
entire paycheck would more than likely go back into the store.
On her first day she already wasn't doing very well. The manager tried to train her but she asked so many ridiculous questions that the poor woman was near tears. And the constant whining was very hard to bear.
"Why do I need to be trained?" Tess whined. "I've been shopping for years. I know how it works."
Finally, the manager gave up and unleashed Tess on the unsuspecting customers. However, she soon saw that Tess spent all her time trying on clothes and doing little fashion shows around the store, begging for compliments.
"Don't I look pretty?" she would ask random shoppers. "Doesn't this make me look so sexy and desirable?"
Tess would then ring up her own purchases and soon became the highest selling salesperson in the entire chain. Despite the commendation from the national headquarters, the store manager was worried. Tess' fashion shows were driving away all the other customers. However, she was afraid of the ramifications if she fired the top salesperson, so she let Tess keep coming back.
Meanwhile, Life at the Valenti home had become more and more painful. Tess would make Jim and Kyle sit in the living room while she modeled all her new purchases. The two men had to chug Pepto Bismol beforehand to avoid puking in front of Tess. One day, while Tess was at the Evans' house modeling for Isabel and Mrs. Evans, Jim and Kyle decided they had to do something and they went to the clothing store.
"Please fire her!" Jim begged. "We just can't take it anymore. Every day she has a new sleazy outfit. You have got to get rid of her."
"I want to fire her," explained the manager. "I really really do! But the regional manager just called to tell me that they want to present Tess with an award for being top salesperson this year. I will be totally screwed if I fire her."
"Can't you say she's stealing? Can't you tell them she is scaring off the customers?" asked Kyle, breaking into a sweat and ducking behind some spandex miniskirts as he saw Tess entering the store to begin her shift.
"I tried that! They said that all my complaints must mean that I am jealous of her. I have no idea where that warped logic comes from!"
Soon Tess was trying on articles from the latest shipment that had come into the store. She squealed with delight at seeing a red vinyl haltertop that she just had to have. She quickly put it on and dashed over to where she saw Jim & Kyle hiding. In her excitement, however, she had neglected to remove the hanger, which caught on a rack as Tess ran by. She stumbled in her too-high high heeled boots and fell to the ground, strangling herself on the way.
"Well," Kyle said, "I guess that settles that."
"Thanks for stopping by," said the store manager, grinning broadly. "It was a real pleasure."