A BUG’S DEATH
By Laura “Maria, it’s too hot.”
Kyle was jerked violently out of a peaceful slumber by what sounded like an air-raid siren. he lay in bed wondering if it had been part of some strange, alien-induced dream until he heard it again. It wasn't a siren; it was the unmistakable shrill scream of the strange alien with whom he had been forced to share his home. Cursing to himself, he rolled over in bed and hoped he could get back to sleep. The sound of breaking glass, coming from down the hall, caused him to bolt of the couch and run toward the bathroom.
In the bathroom, he found Tess. She was standing on the toilet and screaming.
'This is new,' Kyle thought.
Upon seeing him standing in the doorway, Tess pointed at the floor and shrieked, "It's a bug! A huge bug! It has antennas and buggy eyes and too many legs! Kill it, Kyle, kill it!"
Kyle sauntered slowly into the room and looked in the direction she was pointing. Tess was now whimpering. Kyle smiled; he was going to make this worth the lack of sleep.
"Oh, him? That's Floyd. He's a friend of mine."
"F-Floyd?" she stammered hysterically. "It's a bug! Bugs don't have names. Kill it!"
"I am afraid that I cannot do that, Tess. Buddha teaches us to respect all living things. I cannot, and will not, ever kill a living creature."
"Fine! I'll do it!"
Tess grabbed her can of Super Ozone-Depleting hairspray off the counter, aimed at the floor, squeezed her eyes closed, and pressed down on the nozzle. Kyle's face was filled with a sticky spray. His lungs filled with the toxic substance and he coughed, trying to inhale but not being particularly successful. His eyes stung. He screamed and rushed blindly toward where he believed the sink to be, slipped on the bathmat and hit his head on the counter.
"You don't have to scream!” Tess exclaimed. "What a baby." She put the cap on the hairspray, climbed off the toilet, stepped over Kyle, and went to get look up the number for an exterminator.
~~~~~
Several hours later, Kyle heard the doorbell ring. He knew she had called an exterminator. He knew she was expecting the exterminator. He knew that the exterminator was standing at the front door ringing the bell. He saw Tess get up and go into her (formerly his) bedroom as if she had not heard anything. Sighing loudly, he got up and went to answer the door.
"Yeah, we've got an infestation, all right," Kyle explained. "You can't miss 'em. Antennae, buggy eyes, really ugly."
Kyle was still recovering from the hairspray attack and didn't want to expose himself further to toxic fumes. He grabbed his jacket and went out for a while.
~~~~~
As Kyle returned to his house, he was surprised to see the exterminator's van still there. 'Poor guy,' he
thought. 'Tess is probably talking his ear off, hitting on him, and not letting him leave.' He opened the door
and saw the man packing up his equipment.
"Oh, there you are," he said to Kyle. "You know, a lot of people really exaggerate about these things, but you
were *not* kidding. You had a major infestation."
"Really?” Kyle asked. He had to admit that he *had* been exaggerating, thinking Tess was listening and
saying it for her benefit so she wouldn't harass him later.
"Yup! This was huge. Found it hiding inside an old football jersey.” The man shook his head and chuckled
to himself. "Almost looked like it was *wearing* the football jersey." He grabbed his tank and headed for the door. "Don't worry, though, I'll dispose of everything for you."
Kyle ran throughout the house looking for Tess. She was gone. He ran out to the exterminator's van to ask if
the man had seen Tess.
"Was there something else?"
Kyle peeked into the back of the van and saw, amongst the tanks and various accoutrements of extermination, a
large dead blond insect.
"Uh, yeah....” Kyle started. "How much do I owe you and are you allowed to accept tips?"
The End
April 11, 2002
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