| November Journal |
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| November 4, 2001 I have had a very exciting few days...I actually put on and wore my husband's size large pullover the other day! Ok, ok, it ran big for a large, but I've never been able to wear it before! I also tried on a turtleneck style shirt I bought when we were first married that used to be a favorite of mine. It's an XL and so I haven't been able to wear it for many years. It fits again!!! :) It is still so mind blowing to me to be shrinking so fast. It's a dream come true. I hope I never wake up!! I tried on my husbands Levi's last night (38/30). They fit except for the tummy. I couldn't get them fastened because I still have too much tummy but they fit on my legs, hips and butt! I can't wait to get down far enough to get a pair of my own Levi's again! I also tried on an antique wedding ring that I've had for a long time but never been able to wear even on my pinky finger. It fits my ring finger now! I may wear that around as my wedding ring gets bigger and bigger. That way I will have a diamond to wear on my left hand with out risking loosing my wedding ring until I'm down all the way and I resize it. It's very old fashioned but I love it. :) I'm still struggling with the compulsion to eat the Halloween candy. To be totally honest I've had a little of it everyday since Halloween. I'm not proud of that and it scares me. I did buy sugar free cookies to help curb that temptation and at times they help, but not always. November 8, 2001 I've been reluctant to write because I've been finding myself back in the grips of compulsive eating again and frankly I'm terrified to face it. I listened to a fantastic program tonight on NPR called "The Infinite Mind". Tonight's episode was about obesity and binge eating disorder. Toward the end of the program there was a speaker who read an excerpt from her book. I cried as she read it cause it described ME! I don't understand what it is that drives me to eat when I'm not hungry, that drives me to eat when I know I shouldn't. It's been with me all my life. I remember binging as young as 7 or 8 years old. I know the feeling of complusion so strong that I am helpless to it, the feeling of solace that comes during a binge and the feelings of shame, guilt and anger that follow. I'm so scared that I'm going to ruin my surgery with this problem but I don't know how to break out of it. I tried counseling a few years ago. The counselor was supposed to be an expert in eating disorders but all she ever did was discuss her own life during my sessions. I really felt like she should've been paying me! I finally got fed up with it and quit going. I honestly don't know who to turn to for help for this. I'm hoping to get the book I heard about tonight. It's called "Holy Hunger" and it's by Margaret Bullitt-Jonas. Maybe I will find some answers in there. I talked to a friend of mine tonight who shared with me that he has a surgery date. I'm so thrilled for him! November 13, 2001 Well, it's been three months today. I weighed today and was thrilled to discover that I'm down a total of 53 lb.! Unbelievable! I feel so good. I think I'm pulling up out of the slump I've been in (for now at least, I know better than to think it's forever). Seeing more weightloss always helps motivate me to get back on track. We had dinner with my mom and step-dad tonight in Tulare. I did great, I had less than 1/2 of my sandwich and a few fries. I ate the middle part of my pickle spears (the skin is still too tough) and I only had a few small sips of water. I feel good. I'm enjoying a cup of hot (decaf) tea right now and am planning on hitting the hay soon. I can't believe I've passed the 50 lb. mark! My first big milestone on the scale! Whooo hooo! November 17, 2001 I finally went to WalMart today to get some pants. My 26/28's are litterally falling off of me! Ok, so I go in and grab a pair of 22's and head for the dressing room. They were too big! I go out, get a 20 and go try those on...still too big! I finally ended up with a pair of size 18 stretch denim jeans! No elastic! Belt loops! Pockets! Whooo hooo!!! I'm so excited. Ok, I'll admit, they are a bit snug but I couldn't see buying something that I'd shrink out of in a month or so. They aren't so tight that I can't bear to wear them, just snug enough to last. :) I just cannot find words to express my joy right now. I haven't worn an 18 since well before my first pregnancy-probably at least 8 or 9 years ago! November 19, 2001 My hair is coming out in small handfuls. It's been falling out pretty much the whole time, but it's getting really bad now. I haven't noticed any thinning yet, but I expect to with how much is coming out. I'm told the real hairloss sets in around the third or fourth month and I just passed my 3 month point. *sigh* November 20, 2001 Remember that box of clothes from the garage I spoke of a while back? The one full of my old (smaller) clothes that I had organized and ready for when I started loosing weight? Well, I just got done repacking that box full of my old (bigger) clothes that I can no longer wear. Some of the repacked clothes came out of that box to begin with! I cannot get over the change I'm experiencing. I find at times that I don't realize how much progress I've made and then I'll try on clothes and it really hits me. I'm wearing XL's now! Not 2x or 3x or 4x...XL! I can even squeeze into some larges. I got out my tan colored Winnie The Pooh shorts/overalls today (the ones I'm wearing in one of my pre-op pictures) and put them on. I almost cried as I looked at my reflection in the mirror...I look like one of those after shots of someone who's lost a significant amount of weight! Oh yeah, that's right, I have lost a significant amount of weight and it's only gonna get better from here! What's really weird is that I'm starting to see glimpses of my old self. Who is that girl staring back at me from the mirror? She looks faintly familiar! November 22, 2001 Happy Thanksgiving!!! |
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