Chapter Eight: Of Carbonated Beverages and Psychosis
Spry: Hello again, everyone. When last you were here, our heroines had gone off with the rest of the Fellowship on their way to Mount Doom.
(We see Spry sitting on a yellow stool in the center of a room with black walls�..or what appears to be a room. Might not be. It could be the vastness of time and space or something spiffy like that. Don�t ask me. I�m just the random stuff that gives you and idea of the visuals of this story. I spend all my time trapped in between these parentheses. What do I know? I mean�..I�m always in here. Did anyone ever consider my feelings? I�m claustrophobic! The parentheses are closing in on me! Good god man! Get me out of here! Ahhhhh!)
Spry: Well, someone�s psychotic! As I was saying. The Fellowship has begun their journey. I will now send you off to see them, but I cannot go myself. Our heroines are becoming rather psychotic as well, and to keep myself away from the hands of ravenous teenage girls, I shall watch from here.
(�..that�s better�..just took some more of my anxiety and anti-depression drugs�..I feel all calm and stuff�.. Oh yeah, with a poof we see the Fellowship resting on a bunch of randomly placed rocks in the middle of a large plain with some giant mountains virtually behind them.)
Gandalf: (sitting on a rock) We shall rest here for a while.
Stevie: Well it�s about damned time!
Kit: Yeah! My feet hurt!
Pippin: (his stomach growls) I�m hungry.
Harper: (trudging over to a rock to sit down) Can�t you turn that thing off?
Pippin: Turn what off?
Harper: Your stomach. (imitating Boromir�s voice) You might alert the enemy to our whereabouts!
Boromir: Be quiet and do not mock me!
Harper: (flips him a mock salute from her rock) Yes, sir!
Frodo: Might I inquire what they, (points at Legolas and Van) are doing?
Aragorn: (furrows his brow and gets this quizzical look on his face) I have no idea.
Sam: Well, Mr. Frodo, it looks to me like Mr. Legolas is giving Lady Van a piggy-back ride!
(On the other side of the rock things, where we see dear old Bill grazing, we see Legolas trying to pry something off from around his neck. We see that that something is actually Van�s arms, while she is clinging to Legolas� back.)
Stevie: (calling out to them) Van, get off of him! �Hamsters� are not meant for piggy-back rides. Now come here. I�ve got something shiny for you to play with.
Van: (getting off of Legolas and running over) Shiny? Where?
Stevie: Right here. (pulls a nickel out of her boot) Play with this.
Van: Oh! How pretty!
Kit: The joy�s of a simple mind! I should know. I have one too!
Harper: (sprawled out on top of a large rock, looking up at the sky) Don�t we know it.
Stevie: (laughs) Now what about some food?
Sam: (poking around in his pack) I�m on it Lady Stevie.
Stevie: If you call me �lady� one more time Sam, I swear I will hurt you.
Harper: That goes for me too Sam.
Frodo: Oh, Sam can�t help it. He�s always just trying to be polite.
Sam: (blushing) I can�t help it. My gaffer always told me to be polite and proper!
Kit: What�s a gaffer? Is it like a gopher? Your gopher can talk?
Frodo: The �gaffer� is what most people call Sam�s father.
Kit: Oh, so he�s not a gopher. Okay.
Stevie: I respect what your gaffer has told you, but don�t call me �lady�.
Sam: Alright, Miss Stevie.
Stevie: (throws hands up in the air) ARRGGGHHH! I can�t win!
Frodo: Have you any idea how long I have tried to drop the �Mr�?
Kit: Since the first time he said it?
Frodo: Yes.
Harper: Well, as long as you insist, Mr. Gamgee, I don�t see where there is anything I can do.
Sam: There�s no need to call me �Mr�, Miss Harper.
Harper: There is as much need for me to call you �Mr� as there is for you to call me �Miss�.
(Sam goes back to working on the food. Gandalf is sitting on a rock thinking while Gimli is apparently bothering him about something. Legolas is just standing there like he always does�..in that weird way Elves do. Aragorn has gone over to Bill and is returning with some sort of a bundle. Boromir is trying to teach Merry and Pippin some proper stances for fighting with a sword. Kit is talking to Frodo, while Van is still preoccupied with her nickel. Harper and Stevie are now both sitting on the same rock talking and watching the hobbits.)
Aragorn: (goes over to Merry, Pippin, and Boromir with the bundle) Girls, come here.
Kit: What?
Aragorn: Some here and I�ll show you what.
(Kit walks over and Stevie and Harper walk over from their rock, dragging Van along in the process. Stevie takes Van�s nickel and puts it back in her boot.)
Van: (pouting) Hey! I was having fun with that!
Stevie: You�ll get it back later.
Harper: What is it, Ranger dude?
Aragorn: Elrond gave me these weapons for you before we left. I decided to wait until now to give them to you.
Kit: Coolness.
(Aragorn hands out a set of Elvish daggers sheathed on leather belts. They take them and start fiddling with them. To Stevie and Harper he hands Elvish swords also sheathed on leather belts. They put the belts on and unsheathe the swords, waving them around.)
Stevie: This is so cool!
Harper: I guess you were right about the unsupervised weapon use thing, Stevie.
Stevie: Of course I was!
Harper: All we need now is some carbonated beverages and it�ll be just like that summer we worked at the renaissance fair!
Stevie: As long as we don�t have to clean up after the horses! A caffeine high and horses and stink and cleaning are not a good mix.
Harper: No, we did that once. Never again.
Stevie: I miss the carbonated beverages, though.
Harper: (smiles, reminiscing) The crack-pop-fizz when you open a new can of soda�..the fizz that comes up out of the can and tickles our nose�..the caffeine high that follows�..ahhh, the good old days!
Aragorn: (raises and eyebrow) I have no idea what it is you are talking about, but I do think it wise that we teach you how to use these things.
Kit: (jumps up and down) Teach me! Teach me!
Aragorn: Kit, Van, come here and I�ll show you how to use these daggers.
Stevie: Come on, Harper. Let�s go back over there and we can practice. I still remember some of the stuff Aragorn showed me when we were in Rivendell.
Harper: Yes, Ma�am!
(The two walk off and start talking and moving their swords around. Aragorn is showing Kit and Van how to properly hold a dagger, while Boromir is still teaching Merry and Pippin.)
Boromir: Very good, Pippin! Now Merry, it�s your turn.
Stevie: Okay, step one. We need to name these babies.
Harper: Okay. What are we going to name them?
Stevie: (tapping a finger against her temple) Hmm�..remember that time we did that research on names?
Harper: Yeah. You wanted to know how they go the nickname �Dick� out of �Richard�. What about it?
Stevie: Remember what one of my favorite names was?
Harper: (concentrating really hard) Wasn�t it something like �Marieke�? Didn�t that mean something like �bitter� or something?
Stevie: You guessed it. I�ll name her Marieke. What about yours?
Harper: I think I�ll name him Brone.
Stevie: Oh-ho! �Sorrow�? Bitter and Sorrow. Hey, why when you name your stuff is it always a him?
Harper: I just make all my intimate objects male. I don�t know why.
Stevie: Good enough for me! (raises Marieke) En guarde!
Harper: (raises Brone) Bring it on, sucka!
(The two, surprisingly, start having this little duel of theirs, actually looking like they know what they�re doing. Harper jumps up on one of the rock and Stevie follows. At the clashing of swords, all the others look at them. Jumping to another rock, Stevie stands in this weird super-hero pose with one hand on her hip, her chin up in the air, her chest puffed up, and her sword pointed at Harper.)
Stevie: You cannot defeat me!
Harper: I wouldn�t be so sure about that!
(Harper jumps up on the rock and they clash their swords together a few more times.)
Harper: (in a deep voice) You cannot defeat *me*! Come and join me on the dark side. It is your destiny!
Stevie: (in a whiney voice) Never! You killed my father!
Harper: (laughs maniacally) No, Luke! I *am* your father!
Stevie: (gasps and looks horrified) No! That can�t be! It�s impossible!
(The two stop their little scene and start laughing hysterically. Kit and Van, who actually know what just happened start laughing just as hard. Everyone else looks somewhere between astounded at the odd display and disturbed by it and the fact that the girls know how to wield the swords.)
Kit: That was great!
Van: Luke, I am your father!
Aragorn: Stevie, how often do you use a sword?
Stevie: Well, I only used a real one those times I practiced with you. Harper and I got this job last summer working for a renaissance fair, and we got to play with swords and stuff. There were some professional dudes there who kinda showed us how to do some stuff. The rest is just a product of insanity.
Harper: Yes-indeedy-doo! (sniffs) I smell food.
(Stevie and Harper walk over to Sam who is working on the food and start munching down. Aragorn works with Kit and Van a little longer before taking a food break with Stevie and Harper.)
Stevie: So what are you going to name your daggers, guys?
Kit: I am going to name one of them Bob and I am going to name the other one Dole.
Harper: Bob and Dole�..Bob Dole�..You can�t name them that!
Stevie: Well, they�re hers. Let her name them after a politician. What about you, Van?
Van: I am going to name this one Shrinki and this one Dinks!
Harper: (shakes head) Shrinkidinks? Oh man�..
Stevie: I refuse to comment.
Kit: Good idea. What bout your swords?
Stevie: Mine�s Marieke and Harper�s is Brone.
Harper: Neither of which refers to a politician or a form of arts and crafts for small children.
Van: Okay.
(The next thing the girls know, everyone else is walking past them and staring up at the sky in a strange way.)
Stevie: Oh, I remember this part. Lemme guess�..Crebain from Dunland?
(No sooner than Stevie had said that then Legolas yells �Crebain from Dunland� and Aragorn shouts �everyone hide� grabbing Stevie and Kit and dragging them under a rock. Legolas managed to grab Merry and Pippin somehow and drag them behind a large rock, while Boromir grabbed Van and Harper, dragging them under a bush with him.)
Kit: Don�t you think they�ll notice the smoke from the campfire and the pony just kind of hanging out over there?
Aragorn: Probably, but that doesn�t matter. They are bound to know we�re here. We just want to hide our numbers so they don�t know what to expect.
Harper: I though we established that you were not to touch me.
Van: I saw a bug. I don�t like bugs.
Boromir: Both of you be quiet or they�ll know for certain we are here!
(Van starts to squeal as the bug moves closer to her and Harper starts to protest so he puts a hand over both their mouths to keep them silent, just as the birds swarm over the campsite.)
(Merry and Pippin shut up and press themselves down against the bottom of the rock, hoping to disappear from any and all eyes that may possibly be watching.)
Gandalf: (hiding) Great. They know we�re here. This means the passage south is being watched. Now we must go through the pass of Caradhras! This is bad. Very bad, indeed.
(After several long and frightening moments, the birds had flown over the camp and were gone. Several sighs of relief could be heard throughout the camp as the members of the fellowship start to come out of hiding.)
Boromir: (sighs, is still under bush) That was close.
Harper: (muffled by his hand) Grrrrrrrr!
Boromir: (yelps) Ow! Geez, woman! (leaps out of bush)
Aragorn: What�s all the noise about?
Boromir: That little wench bit me!
(Harper gets out from under the bush and help Van up. She turns to glare at Boromir.)
Harper: I told you not to touch me.
Boromir: You didn�t have to bite me!
Harper: You shouldn�t have put your hand over my mouth. Oh Van�s for that matter. Look at her, she�s traumatized. She�s scarred for life because you touched her and then you let that evil old bug touch her. You horrible, horrible person!
Van: (running around in circles, yelling) Ew! Buggy! Buggy! Ew! AHHHHH!
Harper: See?
Aragorn: Harper, don�t bite Boromir any more. Boromir, Don�t touch Harper. Van, stop running around, the insect is gone.
Gandalf: Everyone get ready to go. The passage south is being watched. We must take the Pass of Caradhras!
Harper: I feel like such a Mary Sue. Someone shoot me, please!
(Suddenly, with a poof, the Fellowship disappears and we see Spry sitting on the same yellow stool in the same�..place�..where it was before�..maybe�..)
Spry: Well, that was fascinating, wasn�t it? Stay tuned for more fun and games here, where insanity abounds�..
