Chapter Forty: All Is Less Than Quiet on the Western Front
(We find ourselves in the most drastic of situations. It has been five days since last we checked on the struggle here in Middle-earth, and now we are within the walls of Gondor, which finds itself currently under siege. Looking out over the walls of the Citadel, we see what could be safely called legions of the enemy. Line upon line of Orcs, Uruks, Cave Trolls, and other things far to grim to mention. But now we find ourselves following our dearest hero, young Peregrin Took, who now finds himself walking amidst the chaos of Minas Tirith. He�s obviously very upset about something, obviously in search of Gandalf, and he just as obviously managed to find the wizard all on his own. Always trust the Hobbity ones to have a relatively good sense of direction.)
Gandalf: (glaring at the hobbit) Peregrin Took, I thought I told you to stay at the Citadel!
Pippin: Well, I would be staying at the Citadel were it not for the wee little fact that I�m half scared out of my trousers!
Gandalf: (stares at him half-expectantly) Is that all?
Pippin: (timidly) And I�m too short to see over the wall to tell what�s going on out there�..
Gandalf: (smiles and randomly tries to sound reassuring) The enemy is lined up like sheep for the slaughter. Gondor shall vanquish its enemies.
Pippin: That�s good.
Gandalf: Yes, it is. Now back to the Citadel with you! I have work to do.
Pippin: (mumbling as he trudges away) I guess saving the world makes you a little cranky.
(Meanwhile, Harper and Boromir have reached Minas Tirith with miraculous haste. They can see the White City in the distance, along with the uber-horde of evil guys practically knocking on the front door.)
Harper: Dang it! We�re never going to get in now!
Boromir: We could always sneak in the back door.
Harper: Yeah, if there actually was a back door. Stop trying to sound cool�..we�re all gonna die and this is a bad time for it.
Boromir: But there really is a back door, love. (smirks) And I can�t help sounding cool�..it�s who I am.
Harper: Yeah, you�re hip. Where is this so-called back door anyway?
Boromir: (rolls his eyes) In the back, silly.
Harper: (glares, sarcastic) No, really? I thought it was on top.
Boromir: (gasps in mock-horror) How�d you find out about that one?
Harper: (laughs and shakes her head) Come on, Cap�n Crunch. Show me this back door so we can get to work.
Boromir: As you wish, my lady.
(And so the two ride off carefully around to the back-er part of the walls of the White City, in search of this back door.)
(Several hours later the familiar traveling Rohirrim have arrived at the Pelennor Fields, where the enemy had begun the long siege on the White City. We see Eowyn, Stevie, and Merry riding with the rest of the Rohirrim, still in disguise. They ride into battle, and obviously go in opposite directions, Merry and Eowyn one, and Stevie another. Stevie seems slightly nervous seeing as this is her first real unsupervised battle.)
Stevie: (hacking at orcs with her sword, Marieke) Last time I did this I had His Royal Highnessness to save my bum�..I am so totally going to end up dead after this. Gah! Take that you smelly piece of mutated waste!
(She hacks, slashes, and dices the enemy with her sword. One of the orcs got his head hewn clean off. Stevie looks rather peeved, but that would probably be because of the small fact that her bum hurts from riding, everything smells nasty, and because it�s just one of those things that happens in battle.)
Stevie: (randomly yelling at her foes) Oh yeah! Woah, big ugly�..looks like you have a foot growing out of your forehead, you buttmonkey. Eww, I think that is a foot!
(She kills the overly hideous orc with the foot sticking out of it�s forehead and rides on.)
Stevie: If I do live through this, I am going to be severely mentally and emotionally scarred.
(Whilst this occurs outside the City, inside Harper and Boromir have finally snuck there way in. Boromir gives Harper a sort of �I told you so� look and she just shrugs and meep�s him. He chuckles and looks around, as if trying to remember exactly what direction it is he wants to go in.)
Harper: Don�t tell me I just climbed up that wall to get lost in a city under siege.
Boromir: Not lost, just slightly misplaced. I haven�t climbed up here since I was a wee one. I�m old, remember? My memory is bad.
Harper: Yeah, right Cap�n Crunch. Make up your mind. Where is it we�re going, anyway?
Boromir: Well, we�re going to the Citadel, obviously. We are on the first level of the City, so we have to go up.
Harper: Up to the seventh circle?
Boromir: (smiles) Very good. Come now, I must find my father.
Harper: Okay. Oh yeah, and Gandalf and Pippin are here somewhere.
Boromir: Gandalf and Pippin? How did that happen?
Harper: I don�t have time to tell you know, so you can wait and get the story from is Royally-Adorable Hobbittyness later.
(So, a while later, after much confusion and frustration, Harper and Boromir have finally made their way up to the Citadel. Upon climbing the stairs they are greeted by a most surprising and wonderful sight. This sight would be his Royally-Adorable Hobbittyness, looking all special and noble in the livery of the Tower Guard.)
Pippin: (sword in hand) Stop there!
Harper: (coming up the stairs, into view) Would you hurt �lil old me?
Pippin: (jumps on her) Harper!
Harper: Hey buddy. I brought a friend, hope you don�t mind.
(Boromir comes up the steps behind her and sees Pippin. Pippin gets down from atop Harper and jumps on Boromir who is nearly in tears from the immense pride he felt upon seeing Pippin in the livery of his homeland.)
Pippin: I was beginning to think I would never see you again!
Boromir: Well, here I am. Pippin, where is my father?
Pippin: He�s inside, over there. Are you going to talk to him?
Harper: That was the plan.
Pippin: Well, be careful about what you say. Faramir was brought in a few hours ago�..he�s wounded terribly. I don�t think you�re father is entirely in his right mind right now, Boromir. He�s under a lot of stress. Maybe you can clear this up.
Boromir: (upset over the news about Faramir) I shall. Hopefully we can clear this mess up, eh, love?
Harper: I hope so. That or we�ll all die after he finds out about us.
Boromir: Yes, this is also a possibility.
Pippin: What do you mean?
Harper: We�ll tell you later, Pippin.
Pippin: (harrumphs) Fine.
(Boromir and Harper enter the Citadel. Boromir enters first, as would make sense, considering he is the Steward�s son, and Harper follows calmly behind him, obviously nervous about the impression Denethor will have of her. Upon noticing his son, Denethor rises in disbelief to greet him. The two embrace affectionately, and that is when Denethor notices Harper.)
Denethor: Who is his you bring with you into my halls?
Boromir: Father, I would like you to meet my beloved, Hannah.
Harper: (waves) Hi.
Denethor: (stares at them both) I send you away on matters of great importance and you come back with a girl?
Boromir: Father, I�
Denethor: (cuts him off) This is not what I would have expected of you, son. This is wonderful none the less.
Boromir: (surprised) What?
Denethor: This is wonderful! I send you away to get the one thing that can save our people from certain doom and you come back with a girl! We�re probably all going to die now, but I have been trying for the past 40 years of your life to find you a bride! This is fabulous!
Harper: (quirks an eyebrow at Boromir) Does this mean that in some semi-pessimistic morbid way he likes me?
Denethor: (strolls up and gives her a big hug) Yes, my girl! That�s exactly it! Now, if you�d excuse me, I have matters of state I must attend to!
(Denethor randomly strolls off, leaving Harper and Boromir thoroughly confused. Harper because she was expecting him to go insane and try to kill her, and Boromir because that was entirely out of character for his father.)
Boromir: Well, I guess that went well. I�m not quite so sure anymore.
Harper: Well, hey, at least he likes me. I think he�s gone insane, but at least he likes me.
Boromir: This is good, yes.
(The two just stand there for a few moments, staring at the statues and tapestries that line the walls.)
