Chapter Thirty Five: Everybody�s Up to Something and Nothing
(We see our dear friends on their way to Lothlorien. Obviously we mean Kit, Van, Haldir and Arcane, but sometimes you people forget. I don�t forget, but then again I�m locked up in here telling you what�s going on all the time. No, that doesn�t make me special. Just makes me the ever-informative Parentheses Guy. Anyway, back to what I was saying. Our little quartet is on its way to Lothlorien. Kit and Van are looking unbelievably bored.)
Van: (to Haldir) Are we there yet?
Haldir: (peeved) For the thousandth time, no we are not there yet! Stop asking. We won�t arrive until much later. The sun a few hours away from rising and I�m predicting we�ll arrive by late afternoon.
Kit: This is much with its stupidness. I want to be there now.
Arcane: Stop whining or I�ll turn you both into toads.
Kit: No! You can�t do that!
Arcane: Can�t I?
Van: No! We�ve been trying to get Gandalf to do it since forever!
(Meanwhile, back at the Gladden River, Boromir has awoken Harper to partake in some ridiculously early-morning exercises. They are currently doing something that could be considered sparring, both with swords in hand. Harper looks might tired already; they�ve been doing this for the past hour already.)
Boromir: Come on, Hannah. I know you are fast when you need to be, and ruthless at other items, but you need to learn to have some grace when doing this.
Harper: Grace my butt. Why can�t we work on grace later? Like when the sun is up?
Boromir: Because I want to do it now. Besides, when my brother and I were little we always used to do this early in the morning. That was usually because after the sun came up and the day actually started our father would have some ridiculous duty for me or something.
Harper: Oh, so it�s just a force of habit and not like you really want to piss me off by waking me up this early?
Boromir: (nods) Just a force of habit. Now come on. Another half an hour and then you and
I can take a nice, long, wonderful, cuddle-filled nap. How does that sound, my love?
Harper: Did I just hear the words �cuddle� and �nap� come out of your mouth at the same time?
(Back outside of Dunharrow, the Rohirrim is on the move, with a certain shield maiden, hobbitty fellow, and teenage girl disguised among their number. Though, now they are known as Dernhelm, Merry the Soldier of Rohan, and Deorling.)
Merry: Despite the dread I feel about the fact that the three of us are all going to die slow and painful deaths, I find this little conspiracy to be rather exciting.
Stevie: Gee, Merry, glad to know we have your vote of confidence.
Merry: Oh, you are most very welcome, my dear Deorling.
Eowyn: We shall not die slow and painful deaths. We shall die honorable deaths.
Stevie: (groans) Not this again. I don�t want to hear anything else about that honorable death crap. We�re not going to die.
Merry: Says you.
Stevie: You�re all so negative. You gotta take a look on the bright side. We�re fighting to protect the ones we love. We can�t die. We�re the heroes.
Eowyn: All the heroes I�ve ever head or read about died.
Stevie: Well, that�s what you get when every history book around is like a freaking obituary.
Merry: A whatty-ary?
Stevie: An obituary. Where I come from, they have a section in the newspaper, or the local source of news printed on paper, and they have a section dedicated to people who died locally.
Eowyn: And you say I�m depressing.
Stevie: Well, it isn�t like I write them�..or keep an entire library full of them.
Merry: That is odd.
Stevie: So are your feet. What�s your point?
Eowyn: Shush! Other riders are approaching.
Stevie: Oh yeah. Heaven forbid they should figure us out. That would prove to be rather inconvenient.
(Back at the Gladden River the half an hour is up and Boromir and Harper are cuddling quietly on their bed near the fire. Harper, thoroughly exhausted from both their little sparring match and the stress of the last few days, is fast asleep. Not to mention that wee little bit of a sleeping herb that Boromir put in her tea. Whoa, wait. Sleeping herbs, tea, and a fully awake Boromir getting up off the bed? Somebody�s up to something. We see him pull out Harper�s bag, some folded blankets, their weapons, clothing, and food, from underneath the bed.)
Boromir: Thank the Valar you haven�t been snooping around, my little one. Couldn�t have you finding all of this.
(He takes all of these things and hauls them outside. He takes them down to the riverbank where the elvish boat is waiting conveniently. He carefully arranges everything and then heads back to the house. He goes into the bedroom, puts out the fire in the fireplace, and then proceeds in carefully picking up Harper and carrying her back to the boat. He set the boat up so the bottom was a neat little bed for her to lay on, much like she had done for him after Amon Hen. He sets her down in it and covers her with both their cloaks.)
Boromir: I do hope that sleeping herb is as strong as Aragorn said it was way back when. If not I�m going to have all holy hell before I even get started.
(He carefully maneuvers so he can sit in the back corner of the boat and row. Unlike when Harper stuck him in the boat, they are now going downstream and Harper is much smaller than he is, leaving plenty of room. He pushes the boat off the bank and steers for the Anduin.)
(It is now several hours later and our friends on their way to Lothlorien have already passed the Limlight and are going along some more. Now the girls, this including Arcane, have all gotten absurdly bored and decided to sing a certain �I Know a Song That Gets on Everybody�s Nerves� at the top of their lungs. If this doesn�t drive poor Haldir to drink, than I have no idea what will.)
Kit: I know a song that gets on everybody�s nerves! Everybody�s nerves! Everybody�s nerves!
Arcane: I know a song that gets on everybody�s nerves! And this is how it goes!
Van: Doo doo doo!
Haldir: (makes a sound that seems like it almost reeks of anguish) For the love of all that is good, cease this nonsense immediately!
Kit: (stops singing) Do you have anything else better for us to do?
Haldir: Uh, no, I don�t.
Van: Then we keep singing!
(And so they sang and sang and sang, and when they were done, they sang some more.)
(While our other friends sang, Harper had woken up, very confused, disorientated, and really pissed off. Needless to say, Boromir is getting it now. He�s been a bad bad boy. So, Harper and Boromir are standing on the banks of the Anduin just near Lothlorien.)
Harper: How could you do this? How?
Boromir: With great ease. All I had to do was tucker you out and get you to sleep and�..
Harper: You know what I mean! Shut up!
Boromir: Oh, Hannah, you know I only want to go back to Gondor�..I am sorry.
Harper: Be quiet! No you aren�t!
Boromir: Alright, fine. I�m not sorry for doing this. I am sorry for getting you so upset.
Harper: (groans with frustration) This is going to mess up everything!
Boromir: Well, if you are really that upset about it I�ll take you back to the Gladden River. It�s become your home now and that�s where you belong.
Harper: No, it�s not my home.
Boromir: Isn�t it?
Harper: Nope. I once heard someone say �home is were the heart is� and because my heart belongs to you, my home is wherever you are. Let�s get going�..to Gondor.
Boromir: Are you certain?
Harper: Yep.
(They share one of those romantic moments that involves kissing, a recently more practiced pastime. They are interrupted, however, when a group of Elves come running out of the trees with arrows pointed at them.)
Harper: Oh look, we have an audience.
Boromir: Well, this is better than the fish incident.
Harper: Yeah, but the fish didn�t seem interested in killing us.
Boromir: (shrugs) Point there.
Harper: Oh hey look! It�s Rumil and Orophin! What up dudes?
(Now, remember the fact that the two brothers of Haldir only speak Elvish, but they recognize the two, and with an amused shake of their heads they have Harper and Boromir gather up their possessions and come with them back into the Golden Wood. So, the two are moseying along with a group of Elves when suddenly another group of people come into view. Gee, wonder who they could be. Upon seeing each other they all nearly flip out.)
Kit: (hopping down off her horse) Harper?
Harper: What are you two doing here?
Van: Aragorn sent us here. He said it�d be safer. I thought you and the Man of Gondor were staying wherever?
Harper: That�s his fault. Say, where�s Stevie?
Kit: Umm�..she kind of, well�..rode off in disguise with the Rohirrim.
Harper: (glares and now sounds really peeved off) She did what?
Van: She was supposed to come with us but she rode of will Merry and Eowyn after Aragorn and everyone else left for the Paths of the Dead.
Harper: I am going to kill her! Why the hell would she do such a thing?
Haldir: (speaking up for the first time) To watch out for Van�s newfound love.
Harper: Whoa. Hold on. Her newfound whatty-what?
Van: Legolas dumped me.
Harper: He did what? Holy crap I�ve missed a lot.
Boromir: He dumped you? That lousy son of a she-elf�..
Harper: (pats Boromir�s arm) Who�s the guy?
Kit: It�s Halbarad. He�s a good guy�..and Stevie already threatened him for you.
Harper: Oh, gee, that�s great. Now he�ll get to deal with that again after I�ve killed Stevie, dismembered Legolas, decapitated Eowyn for instilling delusions of grandeur in Stevie, and think up a reasonable punishment for Boromir.
Boromir: I don�t think you need to be so violent, love. Though, I can feel how angry you are right now. You might want to chill.
Harper: Don�t tell me to chill. I need food, more sleep, and a horse.
Haldir: That can be arranged. But why the horse?
Harper: Because tomorrow I�m riding south.
Boromir: No you aren�t�
Harper: You can come if you like, but stay out of my way.
Van: (quietly) She�s doing it for me, Harper.
Harper: (calms slightly) I know, Van, I know. It is just that she is pulling something I know I would do and it�s scaring the crap out of me. I�ve got to stop it.
Kit: Does that mean we get to come?
Harper: Absolutely not. I take it Aragorn is the one who sent you here, and you have no right to defy a king. Boromir and I will go.
Haldir: (to Boromir) You are going to let her do this?
Boromir: (shrugs) I�m in the doghouse right now because of the stunt I pulled. She�ll just kill me if I try.
Harper: See, dearest? You are learning.
Kit: Learning what?
Boromir: Learning to keep my mouth shut half the time because this little lady has a stockpile of cans of whooparse ready to be opened and I, for one, really like my bum the way it is.
