| BlowJob One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?" Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!" "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?" Horny as hell he says, "Oh please, please, I love you so much!" "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!" "Oh yes you can. Please?" Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's little sister shows up in her pajamas, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blowjob. Otherwise I can do it. Or if need be, Dad says he can come down himself and do it. But for God's sake tell the asshole to take his fucking hand off the intercom!" Q. Did you hear they finally made a device that makes cars run 95% quieter? A. Yeah, it fits right over her mouth. Q: How many women with PMS does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. Only ONE!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out. And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past 17 YEARS! But if they did, by some miracle, actually find them 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE STUPID !#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY? BECAUSE NO-ONE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12' DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS HOUSE! . . . . . . . . I'm sorry. . . what did you ask me? Ten Things You'll Never Hear From A Southern Boy... Rated PG 10. I'll take Shakespeare for $1,000, Alex. 9. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan. 8. We don't keep firearms in this house. 7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 6. No kids in the back of the pickup; it's just not safe. 5. We're vegetarians! 4. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 3. Spitting is such a nasty habit. 2. You All. 1. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, darling. Who makes more money, a crack dealer or a prostitute? A prostitute because she can wash her crack and sell it again! A couple is taking a stroll in a lovely meadow when they come upon a wishing well. The woman leans over, makes a wish, and throws in a quarter. Her husband decides he wants to make a wish, also. Unfortunately, he leans over too far, falls down into the well, and drowns. The woman stands there shaken for a moment, and then exclaims,...... "Holy sh*t, it WORKS!" - Whoever laughs last, thinks slowest. - T-shirt: When hell freezes over, we'll curl there too. -"IF YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING GOOD TO SAY....SAY IT OFTEN!" -"To your health" or "Here's to you!" in other languages: British: Cheers! Chinese: Wen Lie! French: A votre sante! German: Prost! Greek: Yasas! Hebrew: L'Chayim Hungarian: Ege'sze'ge're! Gaelic: Slainte! Italian: Alla Salute! Japanese: Kanpai! Polish: Na Zdrowie! Russian: Za vashe zdorovye! Spanish: Salud! Swedish: Skal! - A man left Toronto for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a businesstrip and planned to fly down to meet him the next day. When the man got there, the e-mailed his wife to let her know he had arrived, but he mistyped her address. Instead, his message went to the inbox of a woman whose husband had just passed away. When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she read the message, screamed and passed out cold. The woman's daughter rushed into the room and found the note on the computer screen. "My darling wife: Just checked in. Everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to being with you again. Your loving husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here!" - Parking problems keep getting worse. The other day I saw a tow truck hook up a car that was in a tow-away zone. And there was some guy in another car sitting there waiting to pull into the space. - Whoever risks it, wins. - Lifes a glitch, then you die. - Life has a soundtrack, record it. - If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? - Be nice to your children, they pick your retirement home. - Time is like a teacher, unfortunatly it kills the students. - Shin- a device for finding furniture in the dark. - Average speed of Heinz ketchup from the mouth of an opened bottle: 25 miles per year. - Squids can commit suicide by eating their own tentacles. - An elephants trunk can hold 6.6 litres of water - The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' head enables it to see all four feet at all times - a ducks quack doesn't echo, no one knows why - In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said Play it again, Sam. Sherlock Holmes never said Elementary, my dear Watson, and Captain Kirk never said Beam me up, Scotty, but he did say, Beam me up, Mr. Scott. |
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