Jokes

Jokes and such

Crying At The Bar
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just lookin at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble making ruck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.

The poor man starts crying. Tthe truck driver says "Come on man, I was just joking. here, I'll buy you another drink. Ii just can't stand to see a man crying.

"No, its not that. Ttoday is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outraged, fired me. When I left the building to my car I found it stolen. The police said they could do nothing.
I got a cab to reutn home and after i paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab.
"I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison...."

A Really Nasty Divorce
A married couple is driing down the interstate doing 55Mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60MPH. She then says, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you." Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70MPH.
She says, "I want the kids too." The husband just keept driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80MPH.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards too." The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anythign you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "Really? whats that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90MPH, "I've got the airbag!"

Ol' Fred
Ol' Fred had been a faithful christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them.
As the preacher stood next to the bed, Ol' Fred's condition appeared to deteriorate and as he motioned frantically for something to write on.
The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol' Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, and suddenly died.
The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realized he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol' Fred died. He said, "You know, Ol' Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven't looked at it, but knowing fred, I'm sure there's a word of inspiration there for us all."
He opened the note,and read, "Please step to your left--you're standing on my oxygen tube!"

Crowded in Heaven
It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided opnly to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and sais to the first man, "Tell ne about the day you died."
The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hittin his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."
St. Peter coudn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.
He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, Sir, it was awful," saod the second man. "I was donig my aerobic on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"
St. Peter chuckled, let him int heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job.
"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line.
"Ok, picture this, i'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator..."

One day in the great forect a magical frog was walking down to a water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen another animal in his life. By chance today a bear was chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner. The frog called for the two to stop. the frog said, "Because you are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both 3 wishes... Bear, you go first." The bear thought for a minute, and being the male he was, said "I wish for all the bears in this forest, besides me, to be female." For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and immediatly put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of the rabbit, wasting his wish like that. It was the bear's second turn for a wish. "Well, I wish that all th bears in the next forest were female as well." Rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediatly hopped on it and gunned the engine. the bear was shocked that the rabbit was asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked for money and bought the motorcycle. For his last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, "I wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female." The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, "I wish the bear was gay..."