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| My Story Cont'd.... |
| My hopes and dreams all went with Kyle. I had always wanted another child and Kyle was a much wanted baby. I was able to spend 4 days with him, each night he was taken and kept in a 'fridge' (not nice but practical to 'preserve' him). A few days after having Kyle, my milk came through, it hurt so much emotionally because I kept thinking I should have been feeding him with the milk. The Midwife that came out to see me (it was the easter weekend) was very good to me. Her name was Angela - a real life Angel ! She spent alot of time with me and it was her who induced me. When a baby dies, it isn't just the loss of that baby that goes, it is all the hopes and dreams the expectant mother/parents has with the child that goes with them also. When I left hospital, they gave me anti-depressants. My eldest sister was very worried about me and took me back to hospital (I was feeling very suicidal) and I was given sleeping tablets. I also had to agree to go back and stay with my sister for a few more days. The doctor who saw me told me "you have been depressed a long time for no reason, now you have a reason". If only he had read my notes properly. I do not know how I got through that time. R was not around - only when he felt like it. It was Easter week and he usually went away that week. I found out from him that he stayed at his bedsit alone. R came back into my life for the funeral, but I knew in my heart he would be leaving my life again soon after and he did. |
| I was also told if I was going to have another child, I should have one before I am 40 - time was running out !. People can say the most hurtful things when they think they are trying to comfort. Some of the things people said to me after losing Kyle: "you can always have another one, you are young enough" also "at your age you don't really want another baby do you?" "it is for the best, after all look at the life he would have had with all his disabilities" "he would only have ended up in a home anyway" "you will get over it" "it (the pain) will lessen with time" "everything in this life happens for a reason" "it obviously wasn't meant to be" "don't dwell on it" "you still have one child" "you have got to put it to the back of your mind" "you'll be with him in heaven, if you live a 'good' christian life" My daughter is expecting (2002), someone said to me "that baby will compensate" (they meant for the loss of Kyle - as if!). NONE of the comments above are helpful and they just add insult to injury. The pain DOES NOT go away, I have to live with it on a daily basis. The heartbreak is ALWAYS there. I feel that when the doctor signed the death certificate he also signed it for me too. There is no 'right' or 'wrong' in grief, people deal with it the best way they can. I used to wake up each day with pain my heart and I go to bed each night and think how quiet the house was and what could have been. I have found since Kyle's passing people expect me to be 'OK' now. I am not OK ! I still hurt and miss him and ache for him. I used to not be able to be near pregnant people or babies around the same age as Kyle would have been or any baby because I think what Kyle would have been doing. The loss does not 'get better', but the person/people who lose a child learn to live with that loss. No one expects to bury their child before themself. If you know someone that has had a loss and dont know what to say, click HERE |
| I gave my mother a photo of Kyle a few weeks later and was told by her one of my sisters told her not to put it up in the room because "you could see his face" (his hair lip and cleft palate). That really hurt me. To this day, my mother does not have a photograph of him up in her Living Room. She even told me she bought a frame especially for a photo of him. |