Page_2aMyStory

There were times I felt desperate while pregnant with Kyle and I considered suicide. I know the exact time and day Kyle passed in utero. It was 4.30 pm Sunday, 16th April 2000. I knew because it was as if he was turning over to go to sleep (literally). I felt him move one 'big' final move. Things had happened that day with R. He was separated from his wife and had gone to see his teen daughter. I rang his wifes house to see if he was there. His wife was 'cold' towards me and I asked her to tell him that the midwife was coming. I don't think she knew about the baby. She said to me "if the baby's coming, close your legs you slapper". She really hurt me. I rang the Midwife at the hospital who came out because I told her a rash had appeared on my upper belly the day before. A rash can be a dangerous sign for the mother; something could be going wrong with the mother's kidneys. She wanted me to go to the hospital for blood tests, either straight away or the next day. I went the next day with a Health Visitor (17th April). One of the nurses listened for a heartbeat - she couldn't hear anything and said she would try another monitor. I knew there would not be a heartbeat that day. She still couldn't hear anything and I was told I would need to have a scan. I knew in my heart there was not going to be a 'live' baby. We went to have the scan, I told her I had been waiting for the baby to die, she asked me if I knew what would happen. I said "yes". She then turned to me and said "I am so sorry, there is no heartbeat!". My heart broke ! I could see him laying there in my womb, no heartbeat. Expecting him to die did NOT make it any easier for me,or others when he did.

After I decided to continue with the pregnancy it was a very lonely time for me, because Kyle's dad withdrew from me more and more. I believe this was a 'normal' reaction from him because he didn't want to get emotionally attached to Kyle only to lose him. I loved Rl so much and was so happy to be having his child - when he distanced himself from me, it broke my heart. I adored him and would have done anything for him. This was one of the most loneliest times of my life. I carried Kyle for 6 weeks after my 22 week scan, in the knowledge that he would die. It was painful because I knew the chances of me seeing him alive were slim, but precious because I treasured every kick. I just wanted to look into his eyes and tell him I loved him, sadly that was not to be. It seems to me that sometimes people forget that when a baby dies in utero it is a real baby and a real loss. As his mother, he was more real to me because I felt his kicks. I didn't want to believe Kyle was going to die and started to take Paracetamol each day thinking this would 'heal' his heart. I was so desperate for him to live. The midwife was very honest with me when I told her what I was doing and told me what I was doing would not make him better.

One of the hardest things about carrying a baby knowing it is going to die is that other people didn't know and they often stopped me and asked when the baby was due. Sometimes, I just burst out crying and sometimes I told them the baby was due in July, but was expected to die at any time before then, or I gave them a note explaining the baby was going to die and why. It was hard to see other pregnant women, knowing that they were going to be able to hear their baby cry and I wasn't. It used to hurt me to hear the way people spoke to their children when they treated them badly. I wanted to shout at them to treat them better. Instead I would go home and cry; I always cried alone; even today.