I love to laugh!
I love to Laugh 4!
I've put stars by my favorites in each list.* = Funny, ** = Very funny, *** = Hillarious.
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There is also alot of other stuff you can find there. Cool pics my boyfriend took, my dream journal, fantasy and more.
Insults
1.I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.
2.Support bacteria -They're the only culture some people have.
3.The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
4.The lab called, your brain is ready
5.Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
6.I have had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it. -- Groucho Marx
7.It's been lovely, but I have to scream now.
***8.You! Out of the gene pool!
8.Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak
***9.
Earth is full, go home
***10.I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
11.There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
12.Oh, evolve!
13.I'd insult you, but you're not bright enough to notice.
Misc Funny stuff.
***1.X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a
strange place the following morning, having had your memory
mysteriously 'erased'.
**2.Q: How many surrealist painters does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: A fish
***3.A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Lexus in front
of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he
got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the
door on the driver's side. The lawyer immediately grabbed his
cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled
up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the
lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Lexus, which he had
just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and
would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and
raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief...
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said.
"You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice
anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing
from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck
hit you."
"Oh my God!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex?"
***4.A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read.
One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book.
Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"
"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "duh -- isn't it obvious?"
"You're in a restricted fishing area," he informed her.
"But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that?"
"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."
"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape," snapped the irate woman.
"But, I haven't even touched you," groused the sheriff.
"Yes, that's true, she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."
Shopping For A Women's Swimsuit
Embarrasingly Funny
I have just been through the annual pilgrimage of torture and humiliation known as buying a bathing suit. When I was a child, the bathing suit for the woman with a mature figure was designed for a woman with a mature figure. Boned, trussed, and reinforced, those swim suits were not so much sewn as engineered. They were built to hold back and uplift and they did a darn good job.
Today, stretch-fabric bathing suits are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure chipped out of marble. The woman with a mature figure has little choice. She can either front up at the maternity wear department and try on a floral costume with a skirt and come away looking like a hippopotamus that has escaped from Fantasia -- or she can wander around any run-of-the-mill bathing costume departments and try to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluoro rubber bands.
What choice did I have? I wandered around. I made my choice and disappeared in to the small chamber of horrors known as the fitting room.
The first thing I noticed about the bathing suit was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The lycra that goes into bathing suits was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets by a sling shot. And it comes with the bonus that as long as you can lever your body into a lycra suit, you can protect your vital organs from shark attack; the reason being that any shark foolish enough to take a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer from jaw whiplash injury.
I fought my way into the first suit, but as I twanged the last shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror. My bosom had disappeared. I found one cowering under my left armpit. It took a little longer to find the other - flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is today's suits don't have bra cups.
The mature woman is meant to wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I realigned my speed hump and turned to the mirror to make a full-view assessment. The suit fit all right. Unfortunately, it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out of the top, bottom, and sides. I looked like a lump of Play-Doh wearing an undersized piece of cling wrap. As I tried to work out where all these extra bits of me had come from, the sales girl poked her head around the curtain.
"Oh, there y'all are," she gasped.
"Yes, they are ALL me," I replied, looking at the extra bits. "What else have you got?"
I tried on a crinkled cream one which made me look like designer tape. I tried on a floral two-piece which made me look like an oversized napkin in a napkin ring. I struggled into one of leopard skin with a ragged frill and ended up looking like Tarzan on an off day. I donned a black one with a net midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning, and I tried on a pink one whose legs were so high cut I would have needed to wax my eyebrows to wear it!
Finally -- success. I found the one that fit. A two-piece with a short style bottom and halter neck top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge friendly.
I bought it. When I got home I read the label: "Material may become transparent in water." I am determined to wear it. I just have to learn how to do the breaststroke on dry land.
5.My Moma Taught Me...
My Mother taught me about Envy...
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."
My Mother taught me about Behavior Modification...
"Stop Acting like your father!"
My Mother taught me about the Circle of Life.
"I brought you into this world and I can take you out."
My Mother taught me about Stamina...
"You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My Mother taught me about the science of Osmosis...
"Shut up and eat your Supper!"
My Mother taught me about Contartionism...
"Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My Mother taught me Irony...
"Keep laughing and I'll give you something to cry about."
My Mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside... I just finished cleaning."
My Mother taught me about Time Travel...
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My Mother taught me about Foresight...
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My Mother taught me about Logic..
"Because I said so, that's why."
I love to laugh 5
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