I love to laugh!
I love to Laugh 5!
I've put stars by my favorites in each list.* = Funny, ** = Very funny, *** = Hillarious.
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Jokes
Hello. Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline!
If you are obsessive compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are anxious, just start pressing numbers at random.
If you are phobic, don't press anything.
If you are anal retentive, please hold.
Bubba & Earl
Two rednecks, Bubba and Earl, were driving
down the road drinking a
couple of bottles of Bud.
The passenger, Bubba, said "lookey thar up
ahead, Earl, it's a po-lice
roadblock! We're gonna get busted fer drinkin'
these here beers!!"
"Don't worry, Bubba, " Earl said. "we'll just
pull over and finish
drinkin' these beers, peel off the label and
stick it on our
foreheads, and throw the bottles under the
seat."
"What fer?" asked Bubba.
"Just let me do the talkin', OK?" said Earl.
So, they finished their beers, threw the empty
bottles under the
seat, and each put a label on their forehead.
When they reached the
roadblock, the sheriff said, "You boys been
drinkin'?"
"No sir," Earl said. "We're on the patch."
While I was driving down the road the other day (going a little
faster than I should have been) I passed over a bridge only to see a cop
on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The cop pulled me over,
walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know
about,asked "what's your hurry?"
To which I replied, "I'm late for work."
To which he asked, "What do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.
The cop was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum
stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my
way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in
I work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but
surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."
Then the cop asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what
do you do with a six-foot asshole?" To which I politely replied, "You
give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge ...."
Traffic ticket: $95.00
Court costs: $45.00
Look on cop's face ... Priceless
A man appears before St. Peter at the pearly gates. "Have you ever
done anything of partiicular merit?" St. Peter asks.
"Well, I can think of one thing," the man offers. "Once, on a trip to
the Black Hills, out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of
high-testosterone bikers who were threatening a young woman. I
directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I
approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker. I smacked him
on the head, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring and threw
it on the ground, then told him, "Leave her alone now or you'll answer
to me."
St. Peter was impressed. "When did this happen?"
"Just a couple of minutes ago."
The Coo-Coo Clock:
The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told
my husband that I would be home by midnight. "I promise!"
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy.
Around 3 a.m., a bit blitzed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the
door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed
another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted
solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible
conflict with him.
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told
him Midnight. He didn't seem disturbed at all. (Whew! Got away with
that one!) Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."
When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed 3
times, then said, "oh, crap," cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its
throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and
then tripped over the cat and farted."
Funny Dear Abby letters. These are real letters that were sent to Dear Abby
Dear Abby:
A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby:
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby:
I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I'm not even sure this baby I'm carrying is his.
Dear Abby:
I am a twenty-three-year-old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby:
I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby:
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby:
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now, how do I get out?
Dear Abby:
My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby:
I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby:
My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
Dear Abby:
You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
Top 10 Most Brilliant Advertising Mess Ups
Coors put its slogan, "Turn it loose," into Spanish, where it was read
as "Suffer from diarrhea."
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an
American campaign: "Nothing sucks like an Electrolux."
Clairol introduced the "Mist Stick", a curling iron, into German only
to find out that "mist" is slang for manure. Not too many people had
use for the "manure stick."
When Gerber started selling baby food in Africa, they used the same
packaging as in the U.S., with the beautiful Caucasian baby on the
label. Later they learned that in Africa, companies routinely put
pictures on the label of what's inside, since most people can't read.
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue,the name of a
notorious porno magazine.
An American T-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish
market, which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of "I saw the Pope"
(el Papa), the shirts read "I saw the potato" (la papa).
Pepsi's "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" translated into "Pepsi
brings your ancestors back from the grave", in Chinese.
Frank Perdue's chicken slogan, "it takes a strong man to make a tender
chicken" was translated into Spanish as "it takes an aroused man to
make a chicken affectionate."
The Coca-Cola name in China was first read as "Ke-kou-ke- la", meaning
"Bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax", depending
on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 characters to find a
phonetic equivalent "ko-kou-ko- le", translating into "happiness in
the mouth."
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were
supposed to have read, "it won't leak in your pocket and embarrass
you". Instead, the company thought that the word "embarazar" (to
impregnate) meant to embarrass, so the ad read: "It won't leak in your
pocket and make you pregnant
Mars & Venus on Earth
A guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else.
And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?
And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of commitment that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward... I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: ... so that means it was... let's see ... February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means ... lemme check the odometer ... whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: he's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a darn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90 day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumbags.
And Elaine is thinking: Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a darn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their...
Roger, Elaine says aloud.
What? says Roger, startled.
Please don't torture yourself like this, she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. Maybe I should never have .. Oh God, I feel so...(She breaks down, sobbing.)
What? says Roger. I'm such a fool, Elaine sobs. I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.
There's no horse? says Roger.
You think I'm a fool, don't you? Elaine says.
No! says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
It's just that ... It's that I ... I need some time, Elaine says.
(There is a 15 second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
"Yes" he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
"Oh Roger, do you really feel that way?" she says.
"What way?" says Roger.
"That way about time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
"Thank you, Roger", she says.
"Thank you," says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: "Norm, you've known Elaine longer than I have. Did she ever own a horse?"
I love to laugh 6
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