| When Talking About Men - be politically correct He does not have a beer gut;He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY. He is not quiet;He is a CONVERSATIONAL MINIMALIST. He is not stupid;He suffers from MINIMAL CRANIAL DEVELOPMENT. He is not unsophisticated;He is SOCIALLY MALFORMED. He does not get lost;He DISCOVERS ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS. He is not balding;He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION. He does not get falling-down drunk;He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL. He does not constantly talk about cars;He has a VEHICULAR ADDICTION. He does not act like a total ass;He develops a case of RECTAL CRANIAL INVERSION. He does not eat like a pig;He suffers from REVERSE BULIMIA. He is not short;He is ANATOMICALLY COMPACT. He is not a male chauvinist pig;He has SWINE EMPATHY. He doesn't have a dirty mind;He has INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENTS. He is not afraid of commitment;He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED. |
| A woman went down to the Welfare Office to get aid. The office worker asked her, "How many children do you have?""Ten," she replied."What are their names?" he asked."LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy, LeRoy,and LeRoy," she answered."They're all named LeRoy?" he asked "What if you want them to come in from playing outside?""Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just call 'LeRoy,' and they all come running in.""And, if you want them to come to the table for dinner?""I just say, 'LeRoy, come eat your dinner'," she answered."But what if you just want ONE of them to do something?" he asked."Oh, that's easy," she said. "I just use their last name!" A teacher was asking her class what their fathers did. When she asked little Johnny, he said, "My father's dead, Miss." "Oh, I am sorry, Johnny. In that case, what did he do before he died?""He went blue, held his chest and moaned aaaaarrrrrrggg, and collapsed." Q: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in alight bulb? A: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE?Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don't even know the bulb is BURNED OUT.They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I'm sorry...what did you ask me? Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew werein danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Bring me my red shirt!"The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party.Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled. Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm as ever bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" And once again the battle was on, however, the Captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,although this time more casualties occurred. Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences when an ensign looked to the Captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?" The Captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give, exhorted, "If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships, 10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the Captain, their leader, for his usual command. The Captain, calm as ever, bellowed, "Bring me my brown pants!" Q: Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat? A: Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. .Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge. This bloke was ordered from the pool for pissing in the water. "That's ridiculous!" he shouted at the pool manager. "Everybody does it, you know." "That may be so," came the reply, "but usually not from the diving board." |