| A man was complaining to a friend. "I had it all. Money, a beautiful house, a BIG car, the love of a beautiful woman, then, POW! it was all gone!" "What happened?" asked the friend. "My wife found out." A blind guy goes into a whore house. A girl takes him upstairs and starts giving him a blowjob. He says to her, "Excuse me, aren't you Karen Carlton, and didn't you go to Cardozo High School in Detroit?" "Yes. How'd you know?" "I never forget a face." Good: Your wife is pregnant. Bad: It's triplets Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago Good: Your wife's not talking to you Bad: She wants a divorce Ugly: She's a lawyer Good: Your son is finally maturing Bad: He's involved with the woman next door Ugly: So are you Good: Your son studies a lot in his room Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there. Ugly: You're in them Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids Bad: You can't find your birth control pills Ugly: Your daughter borrowed them Good: Your husband understands fashion Bad: He's a cross-dresser Ugly: He looks better than you Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter Bad: She keeps interrupting Ugly: With corrections Good: The postman's early Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas Good: Your son is dating someone new Bad: It's another man Ugly: He's your best friend Good: Your daughter got a new job Bad: As a hooker Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do Two Irishmen are sitting in a small town bar. One of the gents, Mick bragged to Sean, "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except of course, me mother and me sister." "Well," Sean replied, "between you and me we got 'em all." TOP TEN REASONS TO GO TO WORK NAKED! 1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!" 2. Inventive way to finally meet that hottie in Human Resources. 3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants." 4. To stop those creepy guys in IT from looking down your blouse. 5. You want to see if it's like the dream. 6. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan. 7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them. 8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work stoned. 9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning. 10. No one steals your chair. |
| The Top 15 Reinvented Words (Part I) 15> philostopher: otherwise-intelligent person who doesn't believe in maps 14> humophobia: irrational fear of stand-up comics 13> embareassment: feeling of shame and inadequacy experienced while at a nude beach 12> teatotaler: member of Snapple Anonymous 11> carbage: trash that accumulates in the back seat of your vehicle 10> wrectum: the after-effects of botched hemorrhoid surgery 9> avalunche: a sandwich made so tall that it falls over 8> banjlo: special banjo with a beautifully round end that is twice the size of a regular banjo's end 7> bong-vivant: a particularly social stoner 6> scatula: an invaluable utensil for the responsible urban dog-owner 5> gasshole: someone who supports drilling in wildlife refuges so he can drive his SUV back and forth to the office 4> satisfiction: when she fakes an orgasm 3> sofu: the stuff that develops in your butt crack after one has vegged out in front of the TV all day 2> trampon: a feminine-hygiene product for promiscuous women 1> negligeence: failing to put on a condom, because DAMN, GIRL -- you look fine in that nighty! |