| The Top 16 Rodeo Pick-Up Lines 16> "Ain't no rodeo clown in the world that could keep me off *you*, Darlin'." 15> "Here's my number, call me if you need a few bucks." 14> "Run if ya want, Missy, but I'll have you hog-tied quicker than you can say 'stay away from me you Skoal-chewin'freak.'" 13> "Pardon me, Ma'am -- you and your friend there interested in a little team ropin'?" 12> "I can see by your Wranglers that you're a Jewish man..." 11> "Er, yeah... I *am* in the Village People." 10> "How'd you like to put a pinch of *me* between your cheek and gum?" 9> "Them calves of yours sure look like they could use a bit of ropin'." 8> "Got 8 seconds?" 7> "Ropes, spurs, leather gloves -- Honey, even I weren't no cowboy, we're talking a good time!" 6> "I'll be in Intensive Care later. Why don't you drop by?" 5> "You sure make me wish I hadn't crapped my pants when that bull charged." 4> "Honey, I *need* a belt buckle this large to keep from gettin' arrested in Mississippi." 3> "Is that a pelvis broken in three places, or are you just happy to see me?" 2> "Mooooooooo." 1> "That's right, I said 'AND the horse you rode in on.'" |
| The Top 16 Things You Don't Want to Hear on a First Date 16> "No salad for me, but I'll have a couple of those mega-burritos." 15> "You look so much better in person then you do on the company's hidden bathroom web-cam." 14> "Okay, here's the plan: After you get into the movie, open the fire door and bang! We save 8 bucks that we can use later on at Wendy's!" 13> "You think I look good NOW? Honey, I'll look even better when they finish the surgery!" 12> "I did *not* have sexual relations with that President, Mr. Clinton." 11> "Hey, wanna hear your name in Klingon?" 10> "It looks like you weren't able to cover up that zit with makeup. Can I pop it for you?" 9> "I do, Mr. Multimillionaire." 8> "Sorry about the cell phone in the theater, but my wife could go into labor any minute now." 7> "Why don't you want to go to Hooters? What're you, a feminist or something?" 6> "My imaginary friend wants to know how you feel about threesomes." 5> "Don't worry about protection, silly -- I'm *already* pregnant." 4> "Mind getting on top? My nose is running." 3> "It seems like only yesterday that Satan welded my crotch shut." 2> "Heads up, Hon -- I *always* get lucky when I'm wearing my Hulk Underoos." 1> "How strange -- you kiss just like your Dad!" |
| A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon.I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!" |
| What's the difference between a hooker and a drug dealer? The hooker can wash her crack and sell it again. How are a blonde's legs like cheese wiz? They're both useless unless they're spread! The New Recruit A man joins the navy and is shipped out immediately to an aircraft carrier in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. The captain is showing the new recruit around the ship, when the recruit asks the captain what the sailors do to satisfy their urges when they're at sea for so long. "Let me show you," says the captain. He takes the recruit down to the rear of the ship where there's a solitary barrel with a hole in it. "This'll be the best sex you'll ever have. Go ahead and try it, and I'll give you some privacy." The recruit doesn't quite believe it, but he decides to try it anyway. After he finishes up, the captain returns. "Wow! That was the best sex I've ever had! I want to do it every day!" "Fine. You can do it every day except for Thursday." "Why not Thursday?" "That's your day in the barrel." |