| This is for Dick A drunken Irishman is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, "where have you been?" "I've been to the pub," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few.""I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, "that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the man. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf." Streets of Heaven There once was a rich man who was near death. He was very grieved because he had worked so hard for his money and he wanted to be able to take it with him to heaven. So he began to pray that he might be able to take some of his wealth with him. An angel hears his plea and appears to him. "Sorry, but you can't take your wealth with you." The man implores the angel to speak to God to see if He might bend the rules. The man continues to pray that his wealth could follow him. The angel reappears and informs the man that God had decided to allow him to take one suitcase with him. Overjoyed, the man gathers his largest suitcase and fills it with pure gold bars and places it beside his bed. Soon afterward the man dies and shows up at the Gates of Heaven to greet St. Peter. Peter seeing the suitcase says, "Hold on, you can't bring that in here!" But, the man explains to Peter that he has permission and asks him to verify his story with the Lord. Sure enough, Peter checks and comes back saying, "You're right. You are allowed one carry-on bag, but I'm supposed to check its contents before letting it through." Peter opens the suitcase to inspect the worldly items that the man found too precious to leave behind and exclaims, "You brought pavement?" Billy Bob and Bubba For every former football player, or fan of their alma mater Bubba and Billy Bob were the two star performers on their college football team. Their professor informed the team coach that their grades were below average, making them ineligible to play in Saturday's "Big Game". The professor agreed to raise their grades if they passed a test. The coach pleaded, "Make the test easy professor". The test was one, fill-in-the-blank question: "Old Mac Donald had a ____." While taking the test Billy asked Bubba, "Hey Bubba, what's the answer?" Bubba made sure the professor wasn't looking and said, "FARM." Billy then asked, "Hey, how do you spell farm?" Bubba said, "You big dummy, e I e I o." This is Easy! A young Jewish man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma, Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The redhead in the middle." "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?" "I don't like her." Shave Entering a barber shop for a shave, a man mentions to the barber that he has had some problems getting a close shave on his cheeks. "I have just the thing," the barber told him. He fished around in a nearby drawer and handed the man a small wooden ball. "Just place this between your cheek and gum." The man put the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeded to give him the closest shave he had ever received. Halfway through the experience, the man grunted to the barber, "But what if I swallow the ball?" "Don't worry about it," the barber replied. "Just bring it back to me tomorrow like everyone else does." Diet A woman was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds." When the woman returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?" The woman nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping." |