| Ugh A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. Are you the manager?, she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, no", the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him, she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. I'm afraid I can't, breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do? "Yes there is. I need you to give him a message, she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. Tell him", she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room. Choking A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cents piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market, someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking, going blue in the face, and Dad starts panicking, shouting for help. A well dressed middle-aged, moderately attractive but serious woman in a blue business suit, is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading her newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds her newspaper and places it on the counter. Then, she gets up from her seat and makes her unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy, the woman carefully takes hold of the boy's testicles and squeezes gently at first and then ever more firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25cent piece, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand. Releasing the boy, the woman hands the coin to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts effusively thanking her saying I've never seen anybody do anything like that before it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?" "Good heavens, no," the woman replies. "I'm a Divorce Attorney." Smart Black Man A Black Man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He says he's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the Black Man hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, he has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the black man for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the Black Man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to 15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?" The Black Man replies. "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?" Cheating wife A woman takes a lover during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly so she puts him in the closet and shuts the door. Her husband also comes home, so she puts her lover in the closet with the little boy. The little boy says "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball." Man: "That's nice." Boy: "Want to buy it?" Man: "No, thanks." Boy: "My dad's outside." Man: "OK, how much?" Boy: "$25." In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy: "Dark in here." Man: "Yes, it is." Boy: "I have a baseball mitt." Remembering the last time, he asks, "How much?" Boy: "$75." Man: "Fine." A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball back and forth." The boy says, "I can't, I sold them." Father: "How much did you sell them for?" Boy: "$100." The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that, is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The Priest says, "Don't start that shit again!" |