| Sexual Harassment Senior Style On a senior citizen bus tour, the driver was surprised to hear an unlikely complaint. While the passengers were unloading to do some sightseeing, one elderly lady stopped and whispered in his ear, "Driver, I believe I was sexually harassed!" The driver didn't think much of this complaint, but promised he would check into it soon. Soon a second little old lady bent down and whispered in his ear, "Sir, believe I was sexually harassed" his time, he knew it had to be taken care of soon. A few passengers had remained on the bus, and he decided to go back and question them, to see if they had any knowledge of what was going on. He found one little old man crawling along the bus floor underneath the seats and stooped down to question him. "Excuse me, sir, could I help you?" The elderly man looked up and said, "Well, sonny, you sure can. I've lost my toupee and I'm trying to find it. I thought I'd located it twice, but they were both parted in the middle, and mine's parted on the side!" Just when you think you have it all A guy was walking along the beach in Malibu when he came across this salt encrusted piece of metal. He worked for an hour or so to remove the salt. Low and behold, it was a very old oil lamp. The guy started to buff it to remove the verdigris when "poof" a genie appeared. This genie, like all genies, was so happy to be freed of the lamp that he granted the guy three wishes. "I wish to be a dollar richer than Bill Gates," says the guy. The genie wasn't sure who Bill Gates was until the guy told him to check Forbes magazine. When the genie called up Forbes from inside the lamp, he learned that Bill Gates was indeed, the richest man in the world. "Guy," the genie said, "You will forever be a dollar richer than Bill Gates. What's your second wish?" "Genie, I want the most expensive Porsche made: Fire engine red, on board GPS and the finest audio system ever installed in an automobile." "That's easy, Guy," says the genie. He waves his hand and best car anybody had ever seen pops out of the lamp. The genie then asks the guy for his third wish. The guy mulls the problem over and over. A girl--nah, with billions and billions of dollars he certainly had become a girl magnet. World peace? Only wacko want that. The guy could not find anything that warranted using his third and last. "Genie," the guy said, "I can't think of anything now. May I save the third wish for later?" "Gee, this is most unusual. But you hold the hammer, and I can't escape from this lamp until you make a third wish. Call me when you're ready," and whoosh the genie disappears into the lamp. The guy carefully picks up the now-ever-so-valuable lamp and places it in the trunk of the fire engine red Porsche. He turns on the radio to balance the sounds and makes all the other adjustments needed to get his great audio system customized to his ears. After that, he pulls off the beach and heads south along the Pacific Coast Highway. Soon he's up to 60, 70, 80. The Porsche handled perfectly. The guy is so happy that he begins to sing along with the familiar commercial on the radio. "Oh, I wish I was an Oscar-Mayer Wiener..." Rebetzin A rabbi dies and his congregation decides, after some time, that the rebetzin should marry again. Since it is a small village, the only available candidate is the local butcher. Although very reluctantly, since she was used to living with a scholar, she accepts. After the marriage, on Friday night just after taking a bath in the mikvah, the new husband tells the rebetzin, "Look, my mother always said that before the beginning a of shabbos, it is a mitzvah to make sex before going to the synagogue." They do it. When they comeback from shall he tells her, "According to my father, it is a mitzvah to make love before lighting the candles." There they go again. When it is time to go to sleep, he tells her, "My grandfather told me that one should always have sex on shabbos night." Finally, they go to sleep and when they wake up the next morning he tells her, "My aunt says that a religious Jew always starts the shabbos by having sex. So lets do it." Finally on Sunday, she goes out to the market and meets a friend who asks her, "Nu, so how is the new husband?" "Well, an intellectual he isn't, but he comes from a wonderful family!" A Curse An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you." The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife." |