| For Old Times Sake An elderly couple was celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife, "Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you up against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?" The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not?" So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he had better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm. The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband Thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young." "Not really," said the old man, "When we were young, that fence wasn't electric." Hatpin One day, Mr. Jones spoke to the minister of his church. "Reverend," he said, "I have a problem. My wife keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?" I have an idea," the minister said. "Take this hat pin with you. I'll be able to tell when your wife is asleep and I'll motion to you to give her a good poke in the leg." The following Sunday, Mrs. Jones dozed off during the sermon. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan into action. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, and nodded to Mr. Jones. "Jesus!" Mrs. Jones cried out as her husband jabbed her in the leg with the pin. "That's right, Mrs. Jones!" said the minister. Soon, Mrs. Jones nodded off again. Again the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he cried out to the congregation, again motioning to Mr. Jones. "God!" Mrs. Jones yelled as she was again stuck with the pin. "Right again!" said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mrs. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister didn't notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mr. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet his wife with the hat pin again. At that point, the minister cried, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?" Mr. Jones poked his wife who yelled, "You stick that damn thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!" "Amen," replied the ladies of the congregation. Are Dogs this Smart? A wealthy man decides to take a hunting safari in Africa and takes his faithful dog with him, so he doesn't feel so lonely out in the middle of the bush. The first day out on the expedition, the dog starts absentmindedly chasing butterflies and, before long, discovers that he has become separated from the safari group. He starts wandering around in the wilderness, lost, when he suddenly notices a leopard a little way off, heading rapidly in his direction, with the obvious intention of making a meal out of him. "Now I'm in deep do do! think the dog and starts wracking his brains to figure a way out of his dire situation. He notices some bones nearby and an idea hits him: He settles down comfortably to chew on the bones, with his back to the leopard. Just as the leopard is about to pounce, the dog exclaims loudly: "Man, that was one delicious leopard I just ate! I wonder if there's any more around here?" Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, a look of terror on his face, and quietly slinks off into the bush again, thinking: "Whew! That was close! That demon dog almost got me!" Meanwhile, a monkey that had been watching the whole scene from the top of a nearby tree, figures he can put his information to good use and trade it with the leopard for protection. So off he scuttles, but the dog sees him heading after the leopard at great speed and figures something is going on. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, cuts a deal and tells him the whole story. The leopard, furious at being fooled so easily, exclaims: "That dog! I'm gonna get him for that! So the stupid dog thinks he can make a fool of me. Lord of the wilderness, does he? We'll show him who eats who around here! Come on, monkey, jump on my back and we'll go get him!" The monkey jumps on and the two of them head off in search of the dog. The dog sees the leopard coming from a long way off, this time with the monkey on his back. "What a sneaky little monkey!" thinks the dog to himself. "Now what am I going to do?" But, instead of running, the dog sits down on the ground, his back to the attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet and waits for them to get close enough to hear him. "Where's that rascal monkey!" exclaims the dog, loudly. "Never can trust him! I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another leopard and he's still not back!" |