| One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." "Congratulations," said the teacher, "you may go home early." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy!" "Very good," says the teacher, "you may go also." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday." |
| Things Yoda Says Before, During, and After Sex "Ahhh! It's Yoda's little friend you seek!" "Nerrrm. Put a shield on my sabre, I must." "Feel the force!" "Foreplay, cuddling: a Jedi craves not these things." "Down here, I am. Find a ladder, I will!" "Early must I rise. Leave now, you shall!" "Happens to every guy sometimes, this does." "When 900 years old you get, Viagra you need too, hmmmmm?" "Ow, ow, OW! On my ear, you are!" "Who's the Jedi Master? Who's the Jedi Master!?!" Safe Sex for Rednecks Q. How do rednecks have safe sex? A. They mark the sheep that kick! QUESTION: What do a clitoris, an anniversary, and a toilet have in common? ANSWER: Men always miss them! |
| Sally and Eric are in their hotel room on their wedding night, preparing to consummate their marriage. Sally says, "I have one thing to tell you before we get in bed. I've had sex with one other man before I met you." Eric thinks a minute and says, "That's no big deal. Who was it?" Sally replies, "The famous golfer, Jack Nicklaus." They jump into bed and have a good session. Afterwards, Eric gets out of bed and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally. "I thought I'd get dressed and fix some coffee." Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that." "No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?" "He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again." "All right!" says Eric, "Let's go." They have another pretty good session, a little longer this time. Wearily, Eric gets to his feet and begins to put on his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally. "I thought I'd dress and get some coffee." Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that." "No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done?" "He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again." Eric climbs back into bed, and this time a virtual marathon takes place. Afterward, he slinks out of bed, braces himself against the bedpost, and tries to get a leg in his underwear. "What are you doing?" asks Sally. "Going for a cuppa." Sally says, "Jack wouldn't have done that." "No?" says Eric, "What would Jack have done now?" "He'd have climbed back in bed with me and done it again." Eric plods to the nightstand and picks up the phone. "Who are you calling?" Sally asks. "Jack Nicklaus. I want to find out what par is on this freaking hole!" |