| Bus Signals A guy was taking a new bus route for the first time. He sat down and watched as a woman got on the bus. When the driver looked at her, she took her right hand and put her thumb on her forehead and waved her fingers at the driver. The driver then took both of his hands and put the thumb of his right hand on his forehead and the thumb of his left hand on his right hand and he waved all of his fingers at the woman. The woman then took her right arm, extended it, and ran her left hand up her arm. The driver, in response, extended his right arm and ran his left hand down his arm. The lady then proceeded to grab her right breast. The driver reached down and grabbed his crotch. The lady turned away from the driver, grabbed her butt and got off the bus. The man was amazed at this. When he got to his stop, he asked the driver about the lady. "What did that lady and you say to each other a couple of stops back?" he asked. The driver replied, "Oh, the deaf woman? It's very simple. I told her that the fare was 10 cents. She asked if I was going uptown. I told her that I was going downtown. She then asked me if I was going by the dairy. I said that I was going by the ballpark. She replied, 'Oh, shit! I'm on the wrong bus!'" |
| Henry goes to confession and says, "Bless me Father, for I have sinned. Last night I was with seven different women." The priest says, "Take seven lemons, squeeze them into a glass and drink the juice without pausing." "Will that cleanse me of my sins, Father?" "No," replies the priest. "But it'll wipe that silly grin off your face." |
| MALE OR FEMALE? SWISS ARMY KNIFE -- male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles. KIDNEYS -- female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs. TIRE -- male, because it goes bald and is often over-in- flated. WEB PAGE -- female, because it is always getting hit on. SHOE -- male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out. PHOTOCOPIER -- female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up again -- and only when the right buttons are pushed. HAMMER -- male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around. REMOTE CONTROL -- Definitely female, because it gives men pleasure; he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying. |
| Stompin' on Heaven's Door One day the Sunday school teacher asked what part of the body went to heaven first. Susie said, "Your heart, 'cause you need it to love." Richie said, "Your head, 'cause you need it to think." Little Johnny raised his hand and the teacher called on him reluctantly. Little Johnny said, "Your feet." Confused, the teacher asked why. Johnny replied, "I was walking past my mom's room last night and she had her feet in the air and was screaming, "Oh God, I'm coming!" |
| Sex You Up 3 Stages of Sex: 1. House Sex - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house, in every room. 2. Bedroom Sex - After you've been married for a while and you just have sex in the bedroom. 3. Hall Sex - After you've been married for many years, and you just pass each other in the hall and say, "Fuck you!" |