| Three Engineers and a Faulty Car... There are three engineers in a car; an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer and a Microsoft engineer. Suddenly the car just stops by the side of the road, and the three engineers look at each other wondering what could be wrong. The electrical engineer suggests stripping down the electronics of the car and trying to trace where a fault might have occurred. The chemical engineer, not knowing much about cars, suggests that maybe the fuel is becoming emulsified and getting blocked somewhere. Then, the Microsoft engineer, not knowing much about anything, comes up with a suggestion: If we close all the windows, get out, get back in, then open the windows again, maybe it'll work!?" |
| These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country. 1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot. 2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face. 3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her. 4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor. 5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral. 6. Please excuse Holly from Jim today. She is administrating. 7. Kevin was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was damaged in the growing part. 8. Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins. 9. Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault. 10. Please excuse Jesse from school. He had very loose vowels. |
| Two Drunks One night two drunks were wandering the town trying to get drinks, but between the two of them, they only had a dollar and change. So the first drunk says, "Hey, I've got an idea - we put our money together and buy a hot dog." The second drunk, looking at him puzzled, says, "What the hell? I don't want a hot dog; I want a goddamn drink!" The first says, "I know. We buy the hot dog, stick it down the front of my pants, go into a bar and order our drinks. When the bartender tells us the price, you drop to your knees and suck the hot dog like you're sucking my dick - and the bartender will throw us out and we won't have to pay for anything!" The second drunk says, "Well, it sounds like a good enough idea to me." So they buy the hot dog and the first drunk sticks it down his pants. They go into a bar, order two whiskeys, and when the bartender tells them the price, the second drunk drops to his knees and sucks on the hot dog. The bartender throws them out and tells them not to come back. The drunks go on to hit 19 bars. Finally, the second drunk says, "We've got to switch places 'cause my knees hurt from dropping to the floor." The first drunk says, "You think that's bad? I lost the hot dog in the third bar!" |
| You Can't Stop The Voodoo A businessman was about to go on a long business trip, and was worried that his wife would cheat on him while he was gone. So to prevent this, he visited the local sex shop in order to buy his wife a vibrator to keep her occupied in his absence. After examining the products, he hadn't found an appropriately amazing vibrator and asked the store clerk for help. The store clerk recommended the "Voodoo Dick." "How does it work?" asked the businessman. The clerk unwrapped the Voodoo Dick from its ceremonial tiki box and said to it, "Voodoo Dick that door." The vibrator flew out of the box and attacked the door with such vigor that the door split in half. "Fantastic," said the man. "I'll take it!" He instructed his wife on how to use the Voodoo Dick and left on his business trip. Soon, his wife decided to try it out and said the magic words: "Voodoo Dick my pussy." The Voodoo Dick flew out of the box and gave her orgasm after orgasm. But soon it became too much, and she couldn't figure out how to make it stop. So she got into her car and began driving to the hospital, swerving so much that she got pulled over by the police. The policeman asked her why she was driving so recklessly and she explained to him that she had a Voodoo Dick inside her that wouldn't leave her alone. The policeman looked at her skeptically and said, "Voodoo Dick, my ass." |
| Russian Vodka A Russian guy was walking down the street when he came across a bottle of vodka. He picked it up, opened it and a genie came out and said, "You are my master. You now have one wish." The Russian man said, "I would like to piss vodka." When the he got home he told his wife to get two glasses. She brought them and asked what they'd be drinking. He told her he could piss vodka, and of course she didn't believe him. So he pissed in the glasses, she smelled one, and said, "It smells like vodka!" Then they drank some and couldn't believe it, but it tasted like vodka too! Indeed, it was the best vodka they'd ever had. So the next night the Russian guy came home tired and told his wife to get one glass. She asked him, "Why only one glass?" "Because tonight," he said, "you're drinking from the bottle!" |