| Top 20 Ways To Piss Off The Cafeteria Ladies 20. Sneak out with a thermos filled with the ice cream scoop water. 19.Congratulate her on her performance in American Gladiators. 18. After dinner, stick around and play a few games of Monopoly orTwister. When she comes after you (and she will!), yell "Right hand red, Maria!" 17. Eat a banana without peeling it first. When she comes after you (and she will!), point at Joe Blake and say "From him, all right! I learned it from watching HIM!" 16. Bring in one of your notebooks and steal grapefruits in it. 15. Move all the tables to the corners of the room, hang a mirrored ball above the salad bar, and disco to the music playing on the speakers. When she comes after you (and she will!), show her how to do the Funky Chicken. 14. Bring in scientific equipment and study the bacon. When she comes after you (and she will!), say that you are studying new life forms. 13. Everyone bring in chicken and Stove Top and give it to the lunch ladies. 12. Sit on her lap and tell her what you want for Christmas. Then ask her to sit down and do it again. 11. At lunch, ask for only one french fry. When you finish it, go back and ask for another one (on a new plate). Continue process until you cannot lift your tray. 10. Yell "NORM!" at the top of your lungs whenever you see her. 9. Dress up in polyester pants and vertical-striped shirts. She'll have an identity crisis. 8. Pull on her beard as she walks by. 7. Take one bowl of each type of cereal and put milk in all of them. After you finish the first bowl, throw the rest out. Complain that they serve soggy cereal. 6. Smuggle in a garbage bag and steal the entire contents of the salad bar. When she comes after you (and she will!), claim that you are an advocate for vegetable rights and ask to see the taco meat. 5. Carve "J.R. '54" in one of the bagels and put it back. 4. Ask her if she is circumcised. If she says she is female, ask to see ID. 3. Rearrange the letters in "WELCOME TO MARIAS CAFE" to say "WOO! MEALTIME SCARFACE". 2. Kill a horse. Dress up like a delivery boy (or girl), bring it into the kitchen and say "Delivery for Maria!" 1. Bring barstools and eat your dinner at the salad bar. When Maria comes after you (and she will!), yell "Another beer, Norm?". |
| Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder...OR A.A.A.D.D FOR SHORT! This is how it goes: I decide to wash the car; I start toward the garage and notice the mail on the table. Ok, I'm going to wash the car. But first I'm going to go through the mail. I lay the car keys down on the desk, discard the junk mail and I notice the trashcan is full. Ok, I'll just put the bills on my desk and take the trashcan out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox anyway, I'll pay these few bills first. Now, where is my checkbook? Oops, there's only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk. Oh, there's the coke I was drinking. I'm going to look for those checks. But first I need to put my coke further away from the computer, or maybe I'll pop it into the fridge to keep it cold for a while. I head towards the kitchen and my flowers catch my eye, they need some water. I set the coke on the counter and uh oh! There are my glasses. I was looking for them all morning! I'd better put them away first. I fill a container with water and head for the flower pots - Aaaaaagh! Someone left the TV remote in the kitchen. We will never think to look in the kitchen tonight when we want to watch television so I'd better put it back in the family room where it belongs. I splash some water into the pots and onto the floor, I throw the remote onto a soft cushion on the sofa and I head back down the hall trying to figure out what it was I was going to do? End of Day: The car isn't washed, the bills are unpaid, the coke is sitting on the kitchen counter, the flowers are half watered, the checkbook still only has one check in it and I can't seem to find my car keys! When I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY LONG!!! I realize this is a serious condition and I'll get help, BUT FIRST I think I'll check my e-mail. |
| Pregnancy Q & A Q: Should I have a baby after 35? A: No, 35 children is enough. Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A: With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex? A: Childbirth. Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A: So what's your question? Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q: When is the best time to get an epidural? A: Right after you find out you're pregnant. Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth? A: Yes, pregnancy. Q: Do I have to have a baby shower? A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly. Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again? A: When the kids are in college. |