| When I came into the office this morning, I noticed a sort of general feeling of unfriendliness, and since several of you have called me a "dirty son of a bitch" to my face, I knew I must have done something wrong at the office Christmas Party. The Office Manager called me from the hospital today and as this is my last day, I'd like to take this way of apologizing to all of you. I would prefer speaking to everyone personally, but all of you seem to go deaf and dumb whenever I try to talk to you. First, to our dear and beloved boss, I am sorry for all the things I called you Friday afternoon. I'm very much aware that your father is not a baboon, nor your mother a Chinese whore. Your wife is a delightful woman, and my story of you buying her for 50 cents in Tijuana was strictly a figment of my imagination. Your children are undoubtedly yours, too. About the water cooler incident, you'll never know how badly I feel about it, and I hope you didn't hurt your head when they were trying to get the glass jug off. To Mary, I express my deepest regrets. In my own defense, I must remind you that you seemed to enjoy our little escapade on the stairway as much as I did until the bannister broke and we fell eight feet to the second floor landing. In spite of the rupture you incurred when I landed on top of you, I am sure you will admit that when we landed it was one of the biggest thrills you have ever had. Sam, you old cuss, you've just got to forgive me for that little prank I played on you. If I had known you were goosey, I'd have never done it. It would have been a lot worse if that fat lady hadn't been standing right under the window you jumped through. She really broke your fall a lot. People have been killed falling three stories. Gene, I regret telling the fireman it was you who turned in the false alarm. But, of course, I had no way of knowing they would make such a bad report of it. Those fire hoses sure have a lot of pressure don't they? And the water is cold!! Don, I know how you must feel about me. Opening the door to the broom closet suddenly must have startled you and Millie quite badly, and to think how hard you bumped your chin on the shelf when you bent over to pull up your pants, it makes me sick. We'll have to get together for dinner some night after the dentist finishes your plates. Nancy, the only excuse I can offer for stealing all your clothes and hiding them when I found you passed out in the ladies room, is that I was drunk. Also, I want you to know I was very embarrassed when I couldn't remember where I hid them and you had to go home in that old sofa cover. Running your falsies up the flag pole was a bit too much, but like I said, I was a little drunk. To all of you, I am sorry. Setting Jan's panties on fire seemed funny at the time, and it makes me sad to hear that her husband is divorcing her because of it. Urinating in everyone's drink was in bad taste, and not telling them about it until all the drinks were gone was even worse. Now that I have apologized to all of you and know that I am forgiven, I will do my darnest to come to the picnic...... |
| The Top 12 Indications Your Spouse is Turned On by Politics 12> "Oh yeahhhhh, you found my GOP-Spot!" 11> Giggles and turns red whenever she hears the word "caucus." 10> Approaches perfect strangers and asks if they want to take his "exit poll." 9> She says your chances of having sex tonight have a plusor minus 5 percent margin for error, depending on"party member" turn-out. 8> Enjoys performing filibusters on you. 7> You keep finding pin-ups of Madeleine Albright in his sock drawer. 6> Constantly refers to your bedroom as the "poling place." 5> Her "Hey, Forbes -- put a flat tax on *this*!" T-shirt. 4> She hands you results indicating that although 79% of her is in love with you, 43% percent of her is pissed that you leave your clothes on the floor. 3> AOL screen name is "ILuvGOPCokeMonkeys!" 2> Your web browser suddenly has a bookmark to "www.hotButteredGore.com." 1> Screams during her orgasm, "Paid for by Friends of Bill Bradley!!!" |
| The Top 15 Pick-Up Lines Used by God 15> "Hey, baby. Temptation's down this way." 14> "You don't know me, but you've been shouting my name for years." 13> "Well, hello there!" [flips open cell phone] "Hey, Peter, are we missing an angel?" 12> "Hey, baby. Buy you a planet?" 11> "If I remember correctly, when I made you, I broke the mold." 10> "Oh, for Christ's sake, you drink my blood every Sunday -- this ain't gonna kill ya!" 9> "[*Psssst! Are you there, Margaret? It's me, God. I'm in your brain. See the guy to your left -- the one with the long beard? I command you to sleep with him.*]" 8> "As a matter of fact, I *am* my gift to women!" 7> "Number 11: Thou Shalt Quit Resisting My Advances and Hold Thy Foxy Young Self Against Me." 6> "What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? Oh, right -- Eve... the apple... me kicking you people out of Eden. My bad." 5> "I've got a plague of lovin' in my pants that I'd love to bring upon you." 4> "I bet I can find your G-spot. In fact, I remember exactly where I put it." 3> "My only son died years ago, so we've got my place all to ourselves." 2> "I need your help with a philosophical question: Can I make someone so bootylicious that even I can't please them?" 1> "Uh, oh! Looks like someone's been eating from the Tree of Huge Knockers." |