| ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Baloney Sandwich Instructions ~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ |
| Hello. Welcome to the Complete and Utter Idiot's Guide to Making a Baloney and Cheese Sandwich. Ready for Lunch? Good! Let's begin! We're going to start our journey by assuming that you already possess each of the individual items you'll be needing to make this sandwich. It's a bit of a stretch, I know, but Lord knows we don't have time to take you shopping. So, that said, the first thing you're gonna need is a place to make you sandwich. My suggestion would be a plate. So reach into your cupboard and grab a plate. Any will do. No, that's a bowl. Plates are flat. Right, yes, that's flat, but it's a cutting board. Plates are going to be round. Yes the bowl is round, but it's not flat, is it? Just.. Christ, forget it. Grab that cutting board you had in your hands. Perfect. Pit it down. On the counter, not the floor. Much better. Alright, you're ready to start. You need bread. Personally, I prefer either wheat or sourdough, but you might prefer white, rye, pumperickle, a French roll...you're just staring at me. What do you mean you don't have any bread like that? Like what? What kind of bread do you have? Wonder. Fine, it's pre-sliced. Take out two slices of Wonder Bread. Two. More than one, less than three. That's three. Put one back. Perfect. Place your two slices of Wonder Bread on your cutting board. See how easy this is? OK, you need some sandwich ingredients, open your refrigerator. Your refrigerator. Big thing in your kitchen. Stores food. Yes, and beer, too. That's the one. Take out the cheese, the baloney, the mayo...you're giving me that look again. Let's stop there. Cheese, baloney and mayo. Mayonnaise. It's a sandwich spread. White. No, that's Miracle Whip. Yes, it's a white sandwich spread but...fine. Miracle Whip will do. Put it on the counter next to the bread. OK. Now we...where's the cheese and baloney? Didn't I just say...ugh! Go back to the refrigerator and...no, leave the Miracle Whip where it is, just go back to the fridge and open it. Good. Grab the cheese. Any kind will do. Oh Jesus, just pick one! No, that's brie. It doesn't go well with baloney. What the Hell are you doing with brie? How about cheddar, do you have cheddar? It's probably orange. Yes! That's cheddar! Bring it to the counter next to the cutting board. Now go back to the fridge. I'm sorry, are you getting dizzy? It can happen, get used to it. Open the fridge again. You're looking for baloney. God willing, it'll be pre-sliced. Baloney. It's meat. You're looking for a package filled with slices of meat. That's bacon. |