| Yes! That's baloney! Very good! Now bring that over to the food. No, we're done with the fridge, you'll just throw out whatever you don't use, I can't bear to go through the fridge disaster again. OK, now you're ready to start making a baloney and cheese sandwich. Open the Miracle Whip. Open it. Twist the lid off of the jar. What do you mean it won't come off? Twist the other direction. There ya go! Now you need a knife. Oh God. You don't need a sharp knife, you just need a spreading knife. Dull. Very dull. The duller the better. No! Not that! Put that down before you kill someone! Try to find a knife without a wooden handle. No, that has a wooden handle doesn't it? That probably means it's sharp. Don't test it to see! Just put it down! Find a dull, regular, boring knife! OK. Perfect. That's a nice simple spreading knife. Dip it into the Miracle Whip. Now lift it out of the Miracle Whip and spread it on the slices of bread. Carefully. Not to hard, you'll tear the bread. Harder than that. The knife has to at least touch the bread to leave the spread. There ya go. Now do the other slice of bread. Perfect! You're a regular Julia Childs now! She's a famous cook...nevermind. Now your bread is spread. Quit giggling. You are going to place a slice of baloney on one piece of bread. Open the package. No, this package doesn't screw open. Just pull the back end away from the rest of the package. See how it's opening up? Excellent. Take out a slice of baloney. Place it on one of the slices of bread. No, you don't need the knife for this. Good! You're almost there! Now it's time to cut the cheese. I said stop giggling. The cheese is unopened? OK, don't panic. Take the dull knife...the other end, grab the other end of the knife! Slice the package of cheese open. Just jam it in there and...don't worry about hurting the cheese! Just slice the damn thing open! Very good, you're getting to be really good with the knife. Lord help us all. Now take the block of cheese out and lay it on the counter. Just lay it on the counter, who cares if it's dirty! Like you're gonna be living long at this rate anyway! OK. Again with the knife, cut yourself a few slices of cheese. Thinner than that, you want more than two slices out of your block. Thinner. Thinner. Thinner! Just...measure with your pinky! Your pinky should be at least two sllices thick. What are you...DON'T SLICE YOUR PINKY!!! God! You know what? Forget it! Throw the cheese away. Throw it away! You're just having a baloney sandwich today, I can't deal with this. Don't look at me like that, throw the cheese in the garbage! Now pick up one slice of bread and put it down on the other. Miracle Whip-side down. Well turn it over, you can't eat a sandwich with the Miaclre Whip side facing out! Because I said so!!! OK. Pick up the sandwich. Congratulations! You've made a Baloney Sandwich! Dufus. |