| If you can't drink and drive, why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots? If you dive into a pool of dry ice, can you swim without getting wet? If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the driver end up owing you money? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? If you have a friend who works for the Psychic Friends Network, should you plan a surprise birthday party for them? If you have an open mind why don't your brains fall out? If you have your finger touching the rearview mirror that says -- "objects in mirror are closer than they appear", how can that be possible? If you keep trying to prove Murphy's Law, will something keep going wrong? If you play a blank tape at full volume and have a mime for a neighbor, will he complain? If you put freeze-dried coffee in the microwave, will you go back in time? If you spend your day doing nothing, how do you know when you're done? If you steal a clean slate, does it go on your record? If you take a shower, where do you put it? If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty litter? If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read correctly? If you're traveling at the speed of light and you turn your headlights on, what happens? Instead of talking to your plants, if you yell at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure? Is a castrated pig disgruntled? Is it possible to be totally partial? Is it progress if a cannibal learns to eat with a fork? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? Is there a Dr. Salt? Isn't hot water already hot? Can you grow birds by planting birdseed? Just before someone gets nervous, do they experience cocoons in their stomach? Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? Shouldn't it be called a "near hit"? Shouldn't it be some things in moderation? Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"? There are 24 hours in a day, and 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? What came first the chicken or the egg? What color is a chameleon on a mirror? What color would a smurf turn if you choked it? What did we do before the Law of Gravity was passed? What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? What do sheep count when they can't sleep? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? What does it mean if you break a mirror with a rabbits foot? What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man? What happened to the first 6 ups? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? What happens when you call a 1-800 number collect? What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free? What is another word for "thesaurus"? What is the speed of dark? What part of the monkey do you use a monkey wrench on? What should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant? What's another word for synonym? When blind people go to the bathroom, how do they know when they are done wiping their butt? When people lose weight, where does it go? When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When vultures are on their deathbed, are they ever tempted to eat themselves? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? When you're sending someone styrofoam, what do you pack it in? Where are Preparations A through G? Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"? Who invented accents? Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it? Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why are the cabs from the Yellow Cab Company painted orange? Why are there never any artist's materials in a drawing room? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? Why are we afraid of falling? Shouldn't we be afraid of the sudden stop? Why aren't there bulletproof pants? Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? Why didn't Luke Skywalker tell Darth Vader to turn to the light side of the Force? Why do airlines call flights nonstop? Won't they all stop eventually? Why do bars advertise live bands? What does a dead band sound like? Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? If your feet smell and your nose runs, are you built upside down? Why do guys wear underpants? Why do people who only eat natural foods drink decaffeinated coffee? Why do they call it disposable douche? Is there a kind of douche you keep after using? Why do they call them "apartments" when they are all stuck together? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do they report power outages on TV? Why do they sell a pound cake that only weighs 12 ounces? Why do 'tug'boats push their barges? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why do we have hot water heaters? Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays? Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase? Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why do you weep and sniffle over a TV program and the imaginary Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it begins ringing? Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is? Why don't you ever hear about gruntled employees? Why don't you ever see baby pigeons? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist? Why is a women's prison called a penal colony? Why is it called a "building" when it is already built? Why is it called a bust, when it stops right before the part it is named after? Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one? Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light? Why is it so hard to remember how to spell MNEMONIC? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? Why is it when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open it's not adoor? Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a "near miss"? Why is it, whether you sit up or sit down, the result is the same? Why is Mickey Mouse bigger than his dog Pluto? Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? Why is the word "abbreviate" so long? Don't you have to get up to get to the tape? Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream? Why is there only ONE Monopolies Commission? Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Would a fly without wings be called a walk? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Can fat people go skinny-dipping? After eating, do amphibians have to wait an hour before getting out of the water? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs? Have ex-bankers become disinterested? Have ex-civil lawyers been distorted? Have ex-locomotive engineers been derailed? Have ex-mathematicians become dysfunctional? Have ex-punsters been expunged? |
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