A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk.  I had just gotten off the phone after calling 722-4832 and yelling, "You're a jerk!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial).

I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this guy, too.  After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said, "Hello."  I said, "Is this the man with the black camaro for sale?"  "Yes it is." "Can you tell me where I can see it?"  "Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street.  It's a yellow house and the car's parked right out front.  I said, "What's your name?"  "My name is Don Hansen."  "When's a good time to catch you, Don?"  "I'm home in the evenings." "Listen Don, can I tell you something?"  "Yes." "Don, you're a jerk!"  And I slammed the phone down.  After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.

For a while things seemed to be going better for me.  Now when I had a problem I had two jerks to call.

Then after several months of calling the jerks and hanging up on them, the whole thing started to seem like an obligation.  It just wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some serious thought and came up with a solution.  First, I had my phone dial Jerk #1.  A man answered nicely saying, "Hello."  I yelled "You're a jerk!"  But I didn't hang up.  The jerk said, "Are you still there?"  I said,"Yeah.."  He said, "Stop calling me."  I said,"No."  He said, "What's your name, Pal?"  I said, "Don Hansen."  "Where do you live?"  "1802 West 34th Street.   It's a yellow house and my black camaro's parked out front."  "I'm coming over right now, Don.  You'd better start saying your prayers." "Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jerk!" and I hung up.

Then I called Jerk #2.  He answered, "Hello."  I said, "Hello, Jerk!"  He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."  "You'll what?"  "I'll kick your butt."  "Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now Jerk!"   And I hung up.

Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I told them a big gang fight was going down at 1802 West 34th Street.  After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole thing. I turned onto 34th Street and parked my car under the shade of a tree half a block from Jerk #2's house.  There were two guys fighting out front. Suddenly there were about 12 police cars and a helicopter.  The police wrestled the two men to the ground and took them away.

A couple of months go by and I get a call for jury duty.  I was picked to be on a trial of two guys charged with disorderly conduct. As luck would have it, it happened to be the same two guys.  I might have influenced the jury, because when they announced the verdict, they said, "We the jury find the defendants to be guilty, and a couple of jerks!"

10 Ways to Know if You Have PMS:

1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.

3. The dryer has strunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumpersticker that says, "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-*****".

6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You're convinced there's a God and he is male.

8. You're counting down the days until menopause.

9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibunprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Men Are Like...

1. Men are like department stores.... their clothes should always be half off.

2. Men are like vacations.... they never seem to be long enough.

3. Men are like computers... hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

4. Men are like coolers... load them with beer and you can take them anywhere

5. Men are like chocolate bars.... sweet, smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

6. Men are like coffee.... the best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you up all night long.

7. Men are like horoscopes.... they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

8. Men are like plungers... they spend most of their lives in a hardware store or the bathroom.

9. Men are like cement.... after getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.

10 Q: Why are men like laxatives?    A: They irritate the shit out of you

11 Q: Why did God create man?    A: Because vibrators don't mow lawns

12 Q: What are two reasons men don't mind their own business?     A: No mind - No business

13 Q: How are men and parking spots alike?    A: The good ones are taken and what's left is ugly

14 Q: Why is it hard for a women to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? A: Because those men already have boyfriends

15 Q: How is a man like a snowstorm?    A: You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get for how long it will last

16 Q: Why are men given larger brains than dogs?    A: So they don't hump women's legs at cocktail parties

17 Q: Why can't men get mad cow disease?    A: Because they're all pigs

Ways To Annoy Public Bathroom Stallmate

1. Stick your open palm under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Say, "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't have put my lips on that."

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Say, "Damn, this water's cold."

5. Drop a marble and say, "Oh shit! My glass eye!"

6. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a height of 6 feet. Sigh relaxingly.

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!"

11. Say, "Interesting... more floaters than sinkers."

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop the wad under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here please?"

13. Say, "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me."

14. Fill a balloon with creamed corn. Rush into the stall with your hand over your mouth and let out a lengthy vomit impression while you squeeze the balloon and splatter cream corn all about. Apologize profusely and blame it on the fettucine alfredo you had for breakfast.

15. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot."

16. Say, "Damn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

17. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

18. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

19. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall, adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

20. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free."

Surprise

Dear Abby: If any of your readers are casting around trying to figure out what to give their sweethearts for Valentine's Day, let me tell you about a surprise that backfired.  I decided to give my boyfriend a special surprise last Valentine's Day. I bought a big red bow, tied it around my waist and prepared to deliver my surprise. I called my Valentine to let him know that I was on my way - and left my house wearing a coat over nothing but the bow.

When I arrived at his house, I rang the doorbell, and as the door opened, I opened my coat and said, "Happy Valentine's Day." I found myself face-to-face with MY surprise.  He had flown in my parents for a visit!  As my boyfriend rolled on the floor with laughter, my dad said, "Surprise!"  My mother just stood there in shock.  It's the last time I'll ever try a gift like that.  No name, please - just sign me ... SURPRISED IN SAN DIEGO

Dear SURPRISED: No wonder red is the color for Valentine's Day.  Just be grateful it wasn't HIS parents.