Nun and Whiskey
Sister Mary Katherine lived in a nunnery, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."
"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"
"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."
So Jack sold her the brandy.
Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the nunnery, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine. And she was 'wasted'. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk.
A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"
Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to shit!"
How You Can Tell When It's Going to Be a Rotten Day
-You wake up face down on the pavement.
-You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.
-You call Suicide Prevention and they put you on hold.
-You see a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
-Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
-You want to put on the clothes you wore home from the party and there aren't any.
-You turn on the news and they're showing emergency routes out of the city.
-Your twin sister forgot your birthday.
-You wake up and discover your waterbed broke and then realize you don't have a waterbed.
-Your car horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.
-Your wife wakes up feeling amorous and you have a headache.
-Your boss tells you not to bother to take off your coat.
-The bird singing outside your window is a buzzard.
-You wake up and your braces are locked together.
-You walk to work and find your dress is stuck in the back of your pantyhose.
-You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
-Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife.
-Your income tax check bounces.
-You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
-Your wife says, "Good morning, Bill" and your name is George.
Dealing With Telemarketers
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Alternately, you can tell them, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems; my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died... " When they try to get to the sell, just keep talking about your "problems"
3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This one works better if you're male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter & Siegel services..." You: Hang on a second. [a few seconds' pause] Okay, [in really husky voice] "What are you wearing?" Telemarketer: [Click.]
5. Cry out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh, my GOD! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out GOAT blood? How about HUMAN blood?" Alternate: "Sorry, my floor is made of stone."
9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh", "Really" or "How fascinating". Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them you couldn't just give out your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from WaterTronics." You: "WaterTronics! Hey, I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh...Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather?!?" Telemarketer: "Sorry, we can't sell to employees." You: "Oh, okay. Bye!"
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, Shout or scream "Oh my God!!!" and then hang up.
12. (Jerry Seinfeld version) Tell the telemarketer your busy at the moment and if they give you their phone number, you'll call them back. Telemarketer will say "We're not allowed to give out our number". You say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at work, right? Telemarketer will agree. You say "Now you know how I feel!" Hang-up.
PRINT THIS OUT and keep it by the phone so you can use it !!!
50 Fun Things to do at Walmart!
1. Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and stranding them at strategic locations.
2. Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store. 3. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
4. Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
5. Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air fresheners.
6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
8. Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
9. When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially thin narrow aisles.
10. Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think we've got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
11. Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and turn the volumes to "10".
12. Play with the automatic doors.
13. Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so long!..." etc. See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
14. While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud enough for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
15. Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
16. Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for a "test drive."
17. Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet away. Continue to do this until they leave the department.
18. Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your playing field.
19. As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized and say, "Wow. Magic!"
20. Put M&M's on layaway.
21. Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
22. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
23. Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other aisles.
24. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
25. Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
26. TP as much of the store as possible.
27. Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
28. Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
29. When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people just leave me alone?"
30. When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them, yelling, "Red Rover!"
31. Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are any in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
32. Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
33. Take bets on the battle described above.
34. Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
35.While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are. Act as spastic as possible.
36. Hold indoor shopping cart races.
37. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission: Impossible."
38. Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
39. Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
40. Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your Twinkies?"
41. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store. ]
42. Two words: "Marco Polo."
43. Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle, etc.
44. "Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
45. In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various funnels.
46. When someone steps away from their cart to look at something, quickly make off with it without saying a word.
47. Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
48. When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
49. Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
50. Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
*BONUS* Attempt all of the above during the same visit.
Getting Old
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
You're getting old when... you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
Middle age is when work is a lot less fun - and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. *Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?*
You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?
Breaking Up The 90's Way
Men often find blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever come to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But there is now a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you. It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail! That's how all the happening, 90's kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard. And you can delete her response without ever reading it. What could be more painless?
Following is an email rejection letter: Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice.
The text of the letter follows:
Dear (her name),
I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. (your last name). As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.
So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition:
(men will check those that apply)
_____Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.
______Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.
______You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.
______The only question you did ask was how much money I make.
______You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.
______My breasts are bigger than yours.
______Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.
______Your repeated comments such as, "Is it still called a penis when it's this small?" were both uncalled for and thoughtless.
______The way you enthusiastically jumped on stage at the alternative bar and danced with the lesbians demonstrated that you are far too impressionable and have a disconcerting lack of commitment to heterosexuality.
______Your revelation that you would most certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but makes it difficult to take you seriously.
______Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.
______I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.
Sincerely,
(Your name)