| I was born when mom was 34, and therefore I didn't know her when she young and had her whole life in front of her. From what I have heard, I understand she was a little on the wild side for those days. By today's standards however, she would probably be considered a nun. In the '40s and early '50s however it was a different story. I only knew her after years of being in a bad marriage, in which she refused to give up on, and 3 children under her belt. Most children wish more than anything to have their parents stay together forever. I, on the other hand, wish she would have left the marriage long before she finally did. Even if it meant me never seeing the light of day. I don't think I recall ever seeing my mom truly happy. Even the last few years of her life, when she finally had a little bit of money and a decent house, she found herself having to take care of her own mother who was completely reliant on others. It was like a prison to her and she would not even consider the option of a nursing home. She was constantly on edge and the stress of taking care of a 90+ year old who couldn't remember one minute to the next, finally killed her. It would have been nice to see her get to enjoy life for once. One year prior to her death (August 3rd, 1997), her longtime 'male friend' passed away. As August 3rd, 1998, the one year anniversary of his death, came closer, I began to realize how much she actually missed him. Mom wasn't one for sharing feelings but I could tell she was feeling the loss. She even talked of placing a memorial tribute in the newspaper for his one year passing. That wasn't like mom to do something like that. And as we sat around mom's house hours after her death, someone was looking at the newpaper and found the tribute she had placed. It was kind of an affirmation of sorts that, yes, Mom was truly gone. Mom found herself in the worst circumstances her whole life. Never catching a break, but never complaining either. Not to any of us anyway. Even so, I think she deserved a year, or even a month of happiness. I find myself believing that maybe, before her children, before meeting our father, there was a time when she was. I've seen some of the pictures of her before 'us', and it's hard not to believe that. Big old smile like there was no tomorrow. Still...it would have been nice to have her around a while longer... I've contemplated the making of some sort of tribute site for my mother for a long time. The reasoning for not creating a site sooner was based on the idea that I would be faced with having to bring my feelings back to the surface again. I was reluctant to do that because the feelings of loss are still very strong and I try to push them into the background of everyday life. I tried not to miss her as much as I do. I knew the task of organizing this site would be hard...and I was right. It is difficult. Every emotion I felt then, I feel now. As fresh in my mind as they were that hot August day in 1998. I was afraid of that happening, but now that I've done it, I wish I'd have started on it long ago. I don't want to forget, for it makes me feel closer to her even as I type now. One last thing...Mom, I don't think I ever said this to you while you were here, and maybe I should have. Thank you for all you did for me. I know I probably took advantage of you at times and I'm sorry. I Love You and I'll Miss You Always. Tim |
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Created on ... October 30, 2003